Sigh..

[A n t h o n y]

Before I start I just wanted to say i'm sorry if this is extremely long but like I need like all the help I can get so I want to make everything as clear as possible also I have been reading these forums for almost a year now but never made an account which is crazy to think about but this problem is unique in my opinion.

 

Anyways ..... about 4 months ago I had finally gotten over a long term relationship ( 2 and a half years ) and I met this girl I work with and we hit it off extremely well. We had same music, taste, hobbies, interests, and needless to say she was absolutely stunning. I had noticed her at work all the time, she'd always smile at me, flirt with me, nothing all that serious but we never really talked much. Well she ended up breaking up with her BF of 4 years and she happened to message me on FB and we literally poured our hearts out to each-other. I told her how my Ex cheated on me while I was in the hospital etc etc and She told me how hers did the same to her and we literally talked for hours and hours and ended up meeting each-other that night and literally I don't think I've ever connected so fast with anyone in my entire life on so many levels. So a month goes by, we have literally seen each-other every day since that night, went on a few dates, kissed a few times. Well I couldn't wait anymore, I finally decided it was time to take things to the next level and I asked her out. She was shocked and told me she was hoping I would ask her that and that was probably one of the better nights of my entire life. So another month goes by we are extremely happy, not a day goes by that I don't love this girl more and more. Then it happens .... something everyone told me would happen, My EX shows up at my house begging for me back. I was a much stronger man at this point I finally had the nerve to stand up for myself and I did just that and shut her down and told her there's no way i'm going back to that life and I'm happy with the new girl. I'm pretty sure this proved to the new girl I was 100% into our relationship and I wasn't just rebounding her. So ... Christmas Eve comes around .... Her Ex shows back up and starts texting her .... I trust her, I tell her do what you need to do. Yeah awful idea ..... She has all these feelings rush back to her ... Needless to say this guy is a complete immature, childish, prick that has done so many wrong things to her like cheated on her with her cousin, beat her, ran her over with his car etc etc. Just think of all the bad **** a douchebag could possibly do and it would describe him. Anyways ... we are at her parents Christmas Party and she is completely distant from me ..... We leave later and here comes the dreaded "I'm not over my Ex" talk. We broke up, I told her i'm not ever going to be second best to anyone and I wont be strung long. We didn't talk the rest of that night and I found out she ended up hanging out with her Ex that night .... Skipping ahead we remained friends we still had sex, made out and I was still there for her but she still wasn't over this guy and I tried my very best to be there for her because I know how hard it is to get over an EX because I had just went through it ....... But ..... Here's my biggest hurdle to overcome. She was 14 when she met this kid. He lived with her, slept in the same bed as her for 3 years and it's like he is all she knows and Even though she tells me i'm the best thing to ever happen to her and that she never wants to lose me she can't let him go because he was such a huge part of her life. Again ... I stuck right by her side gave her all the advice I could but in the end she couldn't let him go even though he treated her like she was trash. Everything has changed, she doesn't talk to me at all unless we are working and when we are working she flirts with me, touches me, jokes with me but outside work its like I don't exist. This is driving me insane. I really loved this girl, I did everything I could for her, I showed her she deserved and could do better and her Ex shows up and it all crumbles apart. I really just need advice help because I don't know how I should approach this situation. Should i go NC and avoid her, should I stick by her and keep trying? I literally don't know what to do. however I know for sure I'm better than this guy and I know he's just going to hurt her time and time again. This is really stressing me out and I really need help, im going insane thinking about her all the time.

[A n t h o n y]

Anyone at all? I literally have no clue on what to do anymore. I feel lost as hell.

[H3Drvr]

You got over the previous ex, with the new ex. Why can't you do the same here?

 

Just by this example don't you think there's always another door that opens when one closes? You could try slowly working your way back to the previous ex but that's like taking two steps back.

 

Some hard, matter of the fact advice, ya gotta learn to protect your heart better.

[A n t h o n y]

You got over the previous ex, with the new ex. Why can't you do the same here?

 

Just by this example don't you think there's always another door that opens when one closes? You could try slowly working your way back to the previous ex but that's like taking two steps back.

 

Some hard, matter of the fact advice, ya gotta learn to protect your heart better.

 

Ehh that came out wrong I suppose. I didn't get over her by meeting her, I was already over her by the time I met this new girl. And lol no the Ex left me for this guy and is now engaged to get married next year to him already.

[Better_Days]

Here is what I think, I could be wrong though.

 

To me it's obvious that she will not leave her ex for you but she would still want to keep you around to get that missing satisfaction from you that she can't get from her ex. So she's being selfish.

 

Unless you don't mind being that nice guy (friendzone perhaps) to help her feel good, I would definitely cut all ties and go NC.

 

You've done it once, I'm sure you can do it again.

[cotts1]

Im confused...you said you weren't going to be #2 to anybody and won't be strung along but then you skipped ahead and said you guys remained friends and kept having sex?

 

This girl sounds very selfish, you haven't invested too much time into it. Let her be with her dbag boyfriend and get treated like ****. Stay around the peripheral and bang her every now and then if she's letting you. Just remove your emotions from it.

[316]

Im confused...you said you weren't going to be #2 to anybody and won't be strung along but then you skipped ahead and said you guys remained friends and kept having sex?

 

This girl sounds very selfish, you haven't invested too much time into it. Let her be with her dbag boyfriend and get treated like ****. Stay around the peripheral and bang her every now and then if she's letting you. Just remove your emotions from it.

 

This is the 2nd time I've seen you post and you've given counter-productive advice both times. I'd strongly advise against this OP.

 

Sounds like this girl's problems are out of your control. There's probably very little you can do for her at this point. I think it's best for you to just try and move on. We can't help people who refuse to help themselves.

 

NC would be the best option here (or LC if complete NC is possible). Maybe she'll eventually break out of her cycle with her ex and come back to you some day. But in the meantime you just need to focus on yourself. She'll learn what she has lost the hard way.

[A n t h o n y]

This is the 2nd time I've seen you post and you've given counter-productive advice both times. I'd strongly advise against this OP.

 

Sounds like this girl's problems are out of your control. There's probably very little you can do for her at this point. I think it's best for you to just try and move on. We can't help people who refuse to help themselves.

 

NC would be the best option here (or LC if complete NC is possible). Maybe she'll eventually break out of her cycle with her ex and come back to you some day. But in the meantime you just need to focus on yourself. She'll learn what she has lost the hard way.

 

NC is impossible since I work with her on the weekends. And I know I've been in this position before and it just kills me because I got over my ex was happy on my own and realized I was better off. I just don't understand why she can't see she's better off without this guy. Honestly my biggest problem is her age I'm thinking, being 17 she doesn't have a damn clue what she wants.

[TaraMaiden]

Right.... so I would suggest it's extremely unfair of you to still be engaging with her emotionally (are you still having sex?? ) while her head is in a mess.

She's very young. VERY young. Just this side of legal, in some places, so very much still a child, in some ways. (how old are you, BTW....?)

 

And also, truth be told, I think you're a little resentful that YOU managed to kick YOUR ex to the kerb - but she hasn't "Done the same to hers for you.".

 

You need to go NC/LC.

 

That is to say, you see her at work at the weekends, in which case, you should keep chat to an absolute minimum, discuss 'work' or pertinent matters only, and steer as far away clear of any personal inter-connection at all.

 

I await responses to my two questions....

[A n t h o n y]

Right.... so I would suggest it's extremely unfair of you to still be engaging with her emotionally (are you still having sex?? ) while her head is in a mess.

She's very young. VERY young. Just this side of legal, in some places, so very much still a child, in some ways. (how old are you, BTW....?)

 

And also, truth be told, I think you're a little resentful that YOU managed to kick YOUR ex to the kerb - but she hasn't "Done the same to hers for you.".

 

You need to go NC/LC.

 

That is to say, you see her at work at the weekends, in which case, you should keep chat to an absolute minimum, discuss 'work' or pertinent matters only, and steer as far away clear of any personal inter-connection at all.

 

I await responses to my two questions....

 

I haven't saw or spoken to her in 4 days, blocked her on FB, deleted everything, deleted her number. However everyone always tells me how she seems all happy and what not on FB. Anyways ... We haven't had sex for like ehhhhh a week or so and I'm 20 btw.

[A n t h o n y]

And I am sort of resentful you're right. I realized I deserved better and there was no way I wanted to go back to that life of misery. I don't understand why she couldn't do the same, it blows my mind.

[TaraMaiden]

Because there's a world of difference between 'brash, cocky self-assured 20' and insecure, unsure, barely-out-of-teens, impressionable 17' that's why.

 

it doesn't make you bad, it makes you older, and at your ages, it's a big difference, developmentally....

 

Please refrain from using her for sex.

I'm sure you don't mean it that way, and I'm sure you don't feel you are - but you're certainly not helping her any to make a decision.,

And really, from the outside, admit it, it looks bad.... doesn't it?

 

You're 20, sexually aware and somewhat experienced, with a dead-in-the-water relationship behind you, young free and single.

 

She's al of the things I've said, so really, you're taking advantage.

it's unfair.

You need to back off.

No matter how unfair you think it is, no matter how misguided you believe her to be, no matter how resentful you are.

Having sex with her, BTW while you resent him, resent her decision, and want her for yourself, is just not a healthy frame of mind to be in.

[A n t h o n y]

Because there's a world of difference between 'brash, cocky self-assured 20' and insecure, unsure, barely-out-of-teens, impressionable 17' that's why.

 

it doesn't make you bad, it makes you older, and at your ages, it's a big difference, developmentally....

 

Please refrain from using her for sex.

I'm sure you don't mean it that way, and I'm sure you don't feel you are - but you're certainly not helping her any to make a decision.,

And really, from the outside, admit it, it looks bad.... doesn't it?

 

You're 20, sexually aware and somewhat experienced, with a dead-in-the-water relationship behind you, young free and single.

 

She's al of the things I've said, so really, you're taking advantage.

it's unfair.

You need to back off.

No matter how unfair you think it is, no matter how misguided you believe her to be, no matter how resentful you are.

Having sex with her, BTW while you resent him, resent her decision, and want her for yourself, is just not a healthy frame of mind to be in.

 

Hmmm I think you have me mistaken. I'm not one of those "guys" I actually like commitment and I've never "used" a woman in my life. Also, she's the one wanting the sex I'm not forcing her. I do see your point however it's just so hard to let go..

[TaraMaiden]

Well, I'm glad you're NOT one of those guys.

However, from an outside angle, it looks different... and it takes two to tango.

Having sex with her while she's this confused, vulnerable and impressionable is not good timing.

 

And nobody's holding a gun to your head when she comes to you.

 

There's a lot of good ol' fashioned honour in the word 'no'....

 

I didn't say 'let go', but I am suggesting you 'back off'.

 

Take the pressure off and tell her that until she makes a definite decision one way or the other, you don't intend to perpetuate this confusion.

 

You'll await her decision, but either way, she has to do this on her own.

 

But if she does choose you - it has to be final, once-and-for-all.

No bouncing from one foot to the other.

[A n t h o n y]

Well, I'm glad you're NOT one of those guys.

However, from an outside angle, it looks different... and it takes two to tango.

Having sex with her while she's this confused, vulnerable and impressionable is not good timing.

 

And nobody's holding a gun to your head when she comes to you.

 

There's a lot of good ol' fashioned honour in the word 'no'....

 

I didn't say 'let go', but I am suggesting you 'back off'.

 

Take the pressure off and tell her that until she makes a definite decision one way or the other, you don't intend to perpetuate this confusion.

 

You'll await her decision, but either way, she has to do this on her own.

 

But if she does choose you - it has to be final, once-and-for-all.

No bouncing from one foot to the other.

 

Timing is everything in relationships I suppose. Sucks but it's true

[Emilia]

How old are you now OP? How old is this new girl? Can't work out from your original post

[TaraMaiden]

Here you go....

 

Honestly my biggest problem is her age I'm thinking, being 17 she doesn't have a damn clue what she wants.

 

We haven't had sex for like ehhhhh a week or so and I'm 20 btw.

[Emilia]

Thanks. Reading through that unbroken wall of text is annoying.

 

OP, you two are way too young to work through problems like this. You will find until you get a bit older that a lot of girls will flake on you/perhaps cheat/show unreliable.

 

Try not to take dating too seriously, you are both immature, kids really, especially her.

[Chi townD]

Dude, you're young and she's still a teenager and, most likely, still in High School. Let her be a teenage kid. Let her make teenaged mistakes. It's a part of growing up. You're entering into your young ADULT life. You need to find like people (of age and experiences in life.) Things are going to change for you in the next few months. Once you turn 21, you can go to the bars and hit the clubs, she can't. You may say to me that you're not into that kind of stuff, but be honest with yourself. You are going to check out the scene because it's kind of a "right of passage".

 

Well, if she works with you, it sounds like you have a job and not a career. I would strongly recommend that you find another job. And then get into college and work towards that career.

[TaraMaiden]

('Rite', not 'Right'......)

 

[Don't please] Bite me.....

[Chi townD]

You're rite.......I mean right.

 

My degree's are in science. Not English.

[TaraMaiden]

Well, you're one up on me then.