Heartfail Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I've spent many months and a lot of posts since I discovered this forum 48 hrs ago talking about and feeling how hard done by I am that the man I love doesn't love me anymore. But that's not the whole story. I wasn't with a guy who made me feel like sh**t, I wasn't more into him than me. He wasn't a philanderer, a liar, a cheat, arrogant, uncaring. I found a man who was prepared to love me, who wanted to love me, who extracted all the best parts of my personality from my soul. And I resented him for it. I wanted something deeper. I wanted something darker. I wanted something more 'filmic' I didn't get broken up with. He did. He hurt, he felt damaged, he felt rejected. He tried his level best to be the man who got a girl who he cared about and I chipped away at him because deep down I didn't feel like he was the one. He wasn't good enough for me. We didn't connect in the way I wanted as much as he wanted. He manned up when he left me. He realised that there was nothing wrong with him- that other women would find him as wonderful as he knows he is who would make him feel special and wanted and needed and loved because he deserves that. That is why I am here. That is why I'm heartbroken because it has taken loosing him to realise that I am the selfish,heartbreaking cruel element. If I got so much as a glimmer of a chance to be with him again I wouldn't be that person. I would cherish every second I got to be so lucky as to have a lover, friend, person in my life who would wrap me up in that kind of love. But I won't get that opportunity again because I have behaved so appallingly, so selfishly so transparently that someone as good as him could never find love where I am. And not many people have the energy to fight hard enough for people like me. I wish he knew how sorry I am x
destroyed4sho Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 (edited) Well, if you really feel that way, then do NC for a month and then recontact him and explain how you have changed? See if he takes you back? But, I suspect that you are in the "its all my fault" stage and you are just bashing yourself. You are idealizing him and making him to be this magnificent blameless godly human being. If he was so great, why didn't you think so when you were with him?? If he was so great, why did he leave you instead of trying to work things out? Btw, your post has some contradictions. For example, if he brought out the best in you, why did you behave so appallingly and selfishly??? I suspect he brought out the worst in you and now that you lost him you are concentrating on euphoric memories. I have gone through this too and still going through it. Sorry. Edited February 5, 2013 by destroyed4sho
becks77 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I've spent many months and a lot of posts since I discovered this forum 48 hrs ago talking about and feeling how hard done by I am that the man I love doesn't love me anymore. But that's not the whole story. I wasn't with a guy who made me feel like sh**t, I wasn't more into him than me. He wasn't a philanderer, a liar, a cheat, arrogant, uncaring. I found a man who was prepared to love me, who wanted to love me, who extracted all the best parts of my personality from my soul. And I resented him for it. I wanted something deeper. I wanted something darker. I wanted something more 'filmic' I didn't get broken up with. He did. He hurt, he felt damaged, he felt rejected. He tried his level best to be the man who got a girl who he cared about and I chipped away at him because deep down I didn't feel like he was the one. He wasn't good enough for me. We didn't connect in the way I wanted as much as he wanted. He manned up when he left me. He realised that there was nothing wrong with him- that other women would find him as wonderful as he knows he is who would make him feel special and wanted and needed and loved because he deserves that. That is why I am here. That is why I'm heartbroken because it has taken loosing him to realise that I am the selfish,heartbreaking cruel element. If I got so much as a glimmer of a chance to be with him again I wouldn't be that person. I would cherish every second I got to be so lucky as to have a lover, friend, person in my life who would wrap me up in that kind of love. But I won't get that opportunity again because I have behaved so appallingly, so selfishly so transparently that someone as good as him could never find love where I am. And not many people have the energy to fight hard enough for people like me. I wish he knew how sorry I am x Well I knew we had something in common! You've basically just described my last relationship - I did exactly the same thing as you and that's why I'm struggling to come to terms with it all. I tried to write a post like yours but I couldn't have put it better than you just have...it's like you read my mind 1
destroyed4sho Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Read this thread. I think it may offer good advice. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/369762-letter-my-former-love-2.html#post4559085
Author Heartfail Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Thanks Destroyed4sho- I hear what you're saying! I dont think I'm in a blaming myself situation and the contradictions aren't because he didn't bring that out of me- it's because I was being very self absorbed. Literally no-one could've bought that out in me at that point- I had a lot of stuff going on external to our relationship. He basically loved me and wanted to help me and in turn wanted my support back but it was all about me in my head- that's not how relationships work and that's where my struggle comes in. I took everything he was prepared to give and I gave him little back. He needed to know that I could look outside myself and hold him and his life as delicately and with as much care as he did mine- and I didn't do that. Sadly no amount of NC will repair that damage. I am definitely glorifying him to a degree but in general he really was as great as am describing. Thats why I am so gutted... because it's only through loosing him I have learnt all this and now I will never get to apply my knowledge to us again. And I would do anything to be able to. I think in 3 months post his heartache with a new less intense girlfriend- he won't need to hear any of this. But hopefully by then I can have started moving forward and apply some of these breakthrough's to my life and possibly someone new. Thank you for response and feedback it's genuinely so helpful
Author Heartfail Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 becks77- it's literally awful. As you know. But again trying to be positive about things you would hope that we might be able to apply this new knowledge to someone else somewhere down the line. There will be someone else. It just won't be them. I also think they kind of know this about us and that's why they had to leave and protect their own hearts and find someone less complicated. I can only really wish him luck and happiness in that respect.
Author Heartfail Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 (edited) Read this thread. I think it may offer good advice. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/369762-letter-my-former-love-2.html#post4559085 thank you! the advice from the responses really resonates! Edited February 5, 2013 by Heartfail
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