I would be interested in a Day in the Life of the Faithful Spouse

[coollady_1974]

Just reading posts from OW in this forum, I find it sad the lack of responsibility and being so eager to point their finger at the MM rather than own their part in the affair. It is understood that the MM brought the problem do the OW's doorstep for whatever reason they chose to do so and that the ultimate wrong was on his part. We all know that, but yet it gets argued about constantly, which makes no sense to me.

 

The REAL issue here is what the OW does with the situation that is presented to her. If she doesn't know, then she doesn't know and she can honestly claim no fault. But if she DOES know, then what type of character does this woman have? What kind of person is she to contribute to the MM's lies, betrayal and deceit? That is the real question and OW need to take responsibility for the hurt and pain they have caused by helping this MM do wrong.

 

I want to see an OW take that responsibility. The ones who do walk away from their MM are teh ones who take an honest look at the big picture and know that they do not want to be responsible for hurting someone else. The ones who don't make excuses of why they stayed, when it really comes down to pure selfishness on both parties.

 

The main reason why me and my man's OW do not get along as she has yet to take responsibility for her actions. He took responsibility and is paying for them everyday. She feels that he owes her something when in fact he owes her nothing and gets her heart broken whenever she speaks to him (read my earlier post regarding why she is still around). She knew what she was getting into and she chose to ride that wave and when the wave stopped, she was kicked to the curb. That's how it will go 95% of the time. Why put yourself through that kind of hurt and pain?

 

So blame the man all you want, as he is not blameless, but also take a hard look at yourself and see how your actions contributed to all the hurt and pain that was caused.

[HokeyReligions]

People keep saying "we all know it's wrong" and I think the majority of people are speaking of Morally Wrong.

 

But, if the wife knows that her husband will continually cheat on her, she deals with it by breaking up the affairs and accepts the situation----doesn't that change the "wrong" dynamic?

 

If the MM tells his gf's that he's married and she accepts his explanations of why he hasn't left his wife and continues the affair with him, how is that wrong?

 

This thread reminded me of another OW/MM story where the MM was flitting from one OW to the next and all the OW knew that he was married, and they didn't care because they were each crazy about the guy. The wife knew he was fooling around, but she kept breaking it up because she wanted to keep her family together. This went on for their whole lives together.

 

The MM was a liar---but we've all probably dated singl men who have lied before.

A law was broken, but that has nothing to do with morality.

 

If all the parties involved know what it going on, accept it and deal with it their own way (withough leaving the situation) is it still morally wrong?

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by coollady_1974

Just reading posts from OW in this forum, I find it sad the lack of responsibility and being so eager to point their finger at the MM rather than own their part in the affair. It is understood that the MM brought the problem do the OW's doorstep for whatever reason they chose to do so and that the ultimate wrong was on his part. We all know that, but yet it gets argued about constantly, which makes no sense to me.

 

The REAL issue here is what the OW does with the situation that is presented to her. If she doesn't know, then she doesn't know and she can honestly claim no fault. But if she DOES know, then what type of character does this woman have? What kind of person is she to contribute to the MM's lies, betrayal and deceit? That is the real question and OW need to take responsibility for the hurt and pain they have caused by helping this MM do wrong.

 

I want to see an OW take that responsibility. The ones who do walk away from their MM are teh ones who take an honest look at the big picture and know that they do not want to be responsible for hurting someone else. The ones who don't make excuses of why they stayed, when it really comes down to pure selfishness on both parties.

 

The main reason why me and my man's OW do not get along as she has yet to take responsibility for her actions. He took responsibility and is paying for them everyday. She feels that he owes her something when in fact he owes her nothing and gets her heart broken whenever she speaks to him (read my earlier post regarding why she is still around). She knew what she was getting into and she chose to ride that wave and when the wave stopped, she was kicked to the curb. That's how it will go 95% of the time. Why put yourself through that kind of hurt and pain?

 

So blame the man all you want, as he is not blameless, but also take a hard look at yourself and see how your actions contributed to all the hurt and pain that was caused.

 

 

The REAL issue here is that somewhere, somehow in your marriage a breakdown in communication, love, and understanding to the point where your husband sought out sex with someone else.

 

The REAL issue is not so much of character-but the amount of BS an OW will tolerate. If not ended by the MM, the affair will only end when the OW has reached her maximum tolerance of the situation. Sometimes, that takes YEARS, and won't happen until she's ready for it.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by coollady_1974

Mr. Spock,

 

Have you ever been cheated on? Correction...have you ever been with a man who has committed to be with you exclusively and he then goes to someone else? (Being the OW, you are being cheated on, from the start.)

 

Until that has happened and are faced with the choice of having a relationship with your man or walking away, you cannot tell me that it is undignified for a married woman to stay with her man.

 

See, I've been down that road and am dealing with this situation. I chose to stay because:

 

1. I truly do love this man.

2. We have a good life together.

3. I have sacrificed for my relationship for 12 years and put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into it and I don't want to give that up for his mistake.

4. He has truly hurt so many people, not just me, with his lies and deceit that I doubt very much that he would do this again.

 

So for me, for the sake of my relationship and what I truly wanted in this life, it was more dignified for me to stay than to go. It is my opinion that it takes more strength and dignity for a married woman to choose to stay and make her marriage work, than to leave.

 

One of my friends broke it down to me today stating that men cheat because they have an "itch" and when they scratch that itch, they are ready to come home and deal with their home life and be husbands to their wives and fathers to their children. It doesn't matter what type of woman they have at home...home is where the heart is and where they are going to go. I don't necessarily condone this behavior, but it explains why the OW very rarely gets the MM at the end.

 

The OW in this case has been ostracized by his and her family and others. She gets no respect and even her sisters called her a ho. There was no real relationship between them two. He went over her house once every three or four months, did her and then left. He didn't lie to her about the situation and she knew about me. They have a child together because he was stupid to not protect himself, but she does not call my house. When she sees me, she doesn't look me in the eyes. She knows that I think she is nothing and she has to deal with that. They communicate through a third party because his sister, who is temporarily staying with us, calls her all kinds of b****** and ho's whenever she calls. It is really a bad situation for her because she cannot remove herself.

 

The day I found out about the "affair", he immediately told her that he could not see her anymore. I did not tell him to do that, he did it on his own. This is not the first time she was in this predicament and now she has two kids and no man and on welfare living in a trailer park. Is that where you want to be? Economically you may not be in that situation, but really, that's sad. Where is the dignity in that? She could have easily chosen not to get involved and found her own man.

 

Meanwhile, we're in counseling and our relationship is better than ever. We truly enjoy each other and our lives. Yes, I was hurt, still am. That type of betrayal runs deep. But I feel no shame in staying. I love where I am with him right now and if took an affair to get us there, then so be it. It took more strength and guts to stay than to leave. So really think about where she is and where I am. Do you still feel that a married woman staying with her man is undignified?

 

For shame on your husband then, for contributing to the burden this woman is already put on taxpayers. And for shame on you, for revelling in it.

 

I most certainly can tell you it's undignified. Perhaps, your marriage is salvagable. But I see many that aren't.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO

Hmmm...I wonder if you'd be up to proving that theory? Stop having sex with your married men and let us all know what happens.

 

Please, please, change my humble opinion and prove me wrong!

 

 

Snide remarks aside, there are MANY affairs that contain love and emotion that is just as real and valid as that within the marriage. Usually, it's more intense.

[supermom]

Just because there are problems in the marriage, it's not fair that either spouse cheats on their spouse. What does that mean, does that mean that if the husband goes outside the marriage because he feels his wife is nagging, lack of sex, etc whatever why does that make an affair okay? Why?

 

That tells me I'd better be the perfect wifey, do everything so that another women isn't allowed to f**k my husband? The wife or husband owes it to their spouse to try, not to find another piece of a$$ on the side. I feel that's MY husband, no other women should be with him. If he chooses on his own to have an affair, it's up to me weather or not I want to stick it out, or break up the marriage and my kids life. Does that mean the OW can say "oh well it's her fault she didn't put out" or whatever probs there are in the marriage. I'm just using myself as an example, but married = taken. No ifs ands or butts about it.

 

If the man doesn't want to be taken anymore, that's why there is divorce.

 

Just my opinion

[Mr Spock]

And I agree. I'd rather divorce than cheat-simply because I've seen ALL sides of it. I've fallen out of love with an SO to that point-there was no getting that love back, for me anyways. So I left.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Snide remarks aside, there are MANY affairs that contain love and emotion that is just as real and valid as that within the marriage. Usually, it's more intense.

 

It's been my observation that the passion and intensity of affairs are fueled by lust, not "love." Although I admit it is often easy to confuse the two.

 

While I agree that affairs ignite intense emotions, they are more the result of the relationship addiction and/or sexual attraction. If you strip it down to its bare bones, the SEX is what fuels the affair. So if you remove THAT from the equation, do you think, in your honest opinion, that the affair relationship would continue to thrive on "emotions" alone?…or might the passion and intensity fizzle out (just as it inevitable does in any marriage and/or long-term relationship).

 

"I love her/him, but I'm not in love with her/him." Is something we read on this forum all the time. Probably something the OW/OM has heard their married partner say about their spouse many times. It's sad to think how many people out there equate lust with love.

 

Passion and lust, in ANY relationship is short lived. Once the brain chemicals have done their job, the fog clears and we are forced to confront the warts on our lover's face. The strongest relationships…those that survive the test of time; those which have evolved beyond passion and lust; those that are able to continue after the emotional wreckage of an affair, do so because they are grounded by "love", a deeper commitment and stronger emotional bond. Unfortunately, lust can't compete with that for long because it simply doesn't have the stamina. And that may well explain why affairs seldom last while the marriage often goes on.

 

Given your experiences thus far, would you agree or disagree? I'd be interested to learn from those who have been there: both women who have been involved with married lovers, AND wives who stayed with their spouses after adultery…what it is you think cemented your relationship? Was it mutual infatuation and passionate sex, or was it due to a deeper commitment…that enduring yet lack-luster thing called love?

[meanon]

I think affairs vary enormously. Some are based entirely on lust, sometimes the people involved know this and sometimes the brain chemistry convinces them it's love.

 

Some affairs are proxy marriages, they have all the love and emotional investment that you would expect of a long term relationship. They are different too, of course. The lovers are often never tested by the day to day problems that lead to disillusionment.

 

There are gender differences too (sorry painter , generalisations only - not absolutes). Many more men than women can separate sex from love and a leading psychologist in the field has observed that married men with mistresses who are able to do this report the highest satisfaction ratings in long term marriages. Pity the OW in those relationships. Conversely, women who have affairs in long term marriages report the lowest levels of satisfaction.

[coollady_1974]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

For shame on your husband then, for contributing to the burden this woman is already put on taxpayers. And for shame on you, for revelling in it.

 

I most certainly can tell you it's undignified. Perhaps, your marriage is salvagable. But I see many that aren't.

 

Mr. Spock,

 

Her situation is the situation that SHE put herself into. This was before my husband even graced her doorstep. There are many of people who were on welfare who made something of themselves because they took responsibility for their situation an their lives. My mother was one of those people.

 

The point I was making is that her current situation is a situation based on the choices she made in her life and that it is a shame that she is there. Putting his wrongdoings aside, he pays child support for his child every week, on time, without her having to take him to court and spending more taxpayer money. AND he pays way more than the courts will ever award her. Not to mention the time he spends with this child on a weekly basis and the things that are at our house for this child. We do have an agreement that if he wanted to, in order to give this child a better life, we will take him off of her hands. So I do not see where he is contributing to her being on welfare. She has scholarships to go to school for nursing, but chose not to go. She has opportunities to change her situation, which will take hard work on her part, but she refuses them. Again I ask, where is he contributing to her being on welfare?

 

I will say that he did contibute to making a life that was already hard, harder, but she needs to take responsibility for that as well. Condoms are a wonderful thing, so are birth control pills. These are the facts of her life. Where is it undignified to state the facts? It is what it is. I didn't make the situation...I am just dealing with it.

 

Bottom line, the situation we are faced with is based on the outcome of two very selfish people who thought of only themselves. Everyone is responsible for the outcome and if hers is that she has two kids and on welfare living in a trailer park, then that is her situation based on the choices she made. If his is that he has a child with a woman he does not love and has to take care of this child even though he's not ready, then that his his bag. My choice is to accept the situation as it is and work through it, or pack my bags. My choice was to stay and I have to deal with the consequences of that choice, good, bad or indifferent. That is MY situation.

 

Is this girl's current state sad? You bet it is. And I will say so without a problem. Am I paying for her too? Yep! And it pisses me off because I feel that I am paying twice. Did he contribute to her specific situation? Absolutely not! She had a choice and she made the wrong one. Like they say...when you make your bed, you have to lie in it.

[Karlise13]

Mmmm, interesting concept.

 

My girlfriend of many years loves the 'intensity' of the start of a relationship. She also thrives on drama. She's had many many many affairs (many roses, many boxes of chocolates, many love letters)

 

She's even had a song written for her (that actually still gets airplay on the radio...she has a yen for musicians and has dated a few famous people).

 

She invariable gets annoyed, irritated and bothered by the guy somewhere along the year mark.

 

"Oh..I don't know if the LOVE is there anymore..." she'll pout. Great beauty that she is, she knows another man will probably show up. Indeed, she usually has scores of irons in the fire.

 

She gets bored, to put it simply.

 

I think there's a name for people who get a high off the endorphin/chemical rush of new attraction.

 

She loves intensity. And yes, drama follows her all over the place!

 

Is that love?

 

Who knows. I actually find the argument tiresome

 

But if you want to debate the issue of whether the OW/MM affair is 'more intense', hey I'll take your side on this one Spock. Of course it's more intense! Don't you think lovemaking is better without the kids, dirty socks, electric bills and balls of dog hair on the carpet?

 

 

Marry your MM someday. You'll get to that strange, lazy plateau where you will look at him and wonder....What on EARTH am I doing here?

 

We all do that, no matter how compatible and simpatico we are.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO

 

 

Hmmm...I wonder if you'd be up to proving that theory? Stop having sex with your married men and let us all know what happens.

 

Please, please, change my humble opinion and prove me wrong!

 

There have been quite a few times where my MM has made a special trip into my part of town (an hour away from him) just to see me, if only for lunch, or coffee (i.e., NO SEX). Our relationship is certainly passionate, and most of the time involves sex, but given our looonnngggg conversations about everything under the sun and those times when it's not sexual at all, I'd say YES - SPOCK IS RIGHT.