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I would be interested in a Day in the Life of the Faithful Spouse

Karlise13

By Karlise13
in The Other Man / Woman

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Karlise13 Established Member

Karlise13

Posted
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I once had a one-night stand with a married man. I didn't know he was married at the time ....

 

I found out later when he left his house keys at my dorm room and HIS WIFE tracked me down at the restaurant I was waitressing at.

 

She actually didn't rip me a new a**hole or bawl me out or anything.

 

She sighed, asked for his keys back and said, "Do me a favor and call me? I'm leaving you my number because I want to tell you a few things..."

 

I was scared to call her, but I did because I was burning with curiousity.

 

She told me that her husband was a pathological liar. That he was an exceptionally talented pathological liar who told women all kinds of things and she didn't really blame me much because she knew he HAD to have lied to me (he did) about just about everything.

 

She proceeded to spend the next hour telling me about her life with him. They had three kids together and she hadn't found out about his dalliances right away....because he was SUCH a good liar.

 

Eventually she did catch him, but he lied very convincingly and told her he'd give up other women.

 

As the years went by, she out about several women he'd been seeing for two, three years. Each one of them was convinced he was in love with her, that the marriage was essentially over and that he'd be leaving her any day now.

 

"I was sorry to be the one to enlighten them," she told me. "But you know....once he got busted, he'd always end it with them. I knew it was just a matter of time before he started up again with someone new...but for a time he'd be faithful,"

 

I asked her why she stayed with him.

 

She told me the kids adored him, he was a good father and she couldn't bear the thought of breaking up their family. She said of herself, "I am a broken woman who has been lied to so many times...it don't (sic) matter. I am never going to trust any man anyway. At least with him, I know what I have to deal with,"

 

One of the saddest, weirdest conversations of my life.

 

 

 

There is always someone at the other end of the MM/OW or MW/OM affair. Someone who is probably in great pain.

coollady_1974

coollady_1974

Posted
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Thank you for making us real people. OW beware...we do exists and you contribute to this.

 

Find a man who is not married or in a committed relationship. If you didn't know and you found out, have some dignity and let him go.

 

Someone needs to have some dignity with this.

littleflowerpot Established Member

littleflowerpot

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by coollady_1974

Thank you for making us real people. OW beware...we do exists and you contribute to this.

 

Find a man who is not married or in a committed relationship. If you didn't know and you found out, have some dignity and let him go.

 

Someone needs to have some dignity with this.

 

most of all, the man who married you and made promises to you.

kellydontwanttasleep Established Member

kellydontwanttasleep

Posted
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i never get upset with men they're just big dumb animals. you have to trust your natural feminine instincts

Mr Spock Established Member

Mr Spock

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by coollady_1974

Thank you for making us real people. OW beware...we do exists and you contribute to this.

 

Find a man who is not married or in a committed relationship. If you didn't know and you found out, have some dignity and let him go.

 

Someone needs to have some dignity with this.

 

Right back at you coollady. Beware. OW do exist and they are real people.

cheeks Member

cheeks

Posted
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Karlise13,

 

That sent a chill down my spine. What the W told you about the OW in his life for 2 and 3 years sounds chillingly familiar to my own story( if he had 2 kids instead of 3 I'd think it WAS him). The only problem is my x is still trying to get me back. I dont know if he IS a pathalogical liar, but for someone to be able to live a double life as well as he did, he may be. He is saying he left her for REAL this time( ofcourse i dont know for sure). He does have problems but I am very much still in love with him and it just makes it that much harder with him trying to "fix" things between us. He could be lying, or he could be telling the truth. I am being strong although I feel weaker than I have ever in my entire life. It has been 8 weeks and I still cry at LEAST once a day.

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Karlise13 Established Member

Karlise13

Posted
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What do you mean 'Beware' ???

 

"Beware wives...'cuz we exist and we're real people, too?"

 

That's not the point of this thread.

 

My point was not 'Beware...'cuz the wifey is gonna getcha..."

 

 

It's BEWARE....SOME MEN LIE AND USE YOU....AND THERE'S BROKEN PEOPLE ON THE OTHER END....AND YOU ARE CONTRIBUTING TO THEIR EMOTIONAL ABUSE...

 

It's not 'Beware...we're out to get you,'

 

It's BE AWARE.

KissMyTiara Established Member

KissMyTiara

Posted
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Originally posted by Mr Spock

 

 

Right back at you coollady. Beware. OW do exist and they are real people.

 

 

Spock - Coollady was talking about the W, not us OW.

Mr Spock Established Member

Mr Spock

Posted
Posted
Thank you for making us real people. OW beware...we do exists and you contribute to this.

 

Find a man who is not married or in a committed relationship. If you didn't know and you found out, have some dignity and let him go.

 

Someone needs to have some dignity with this.

 

I took this to mean she was telling OW to beware, as wives do exist and they are real people.

 

Karlise, I wasn't talking to you. I'll make sure to quote exatcly who my comments are directed to.

coollady_1974

coollady_1974

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Since there is so much discussion over what I meant, I feel I should clarify.

 

Putting the men aside as we can all agree that their actions are dispicable and wrong.

 

The men are not able to do what they do if OW don't let them. Yes, there may be times when you don't know that you are the OW and that happens. But when you do know, keep in mind that this is not about you anymore. There's someone on the other side of this who will go through more pain and anguish than you as the OW will ever feel long after you're gone.

 

Women who are with their men have invested time and energy with them and will be devastated knowing what he was doing. We have compromised and made sacrifices. You as the OW, when doing this woman's man, need to think about the pain you are contributing to and look deep down and see would you want to be in that same position. Make us real people, not just "the wife". We're not bad people, just married to a bad man, and we don't deserve the hurt and pain which you are contributing to.

 

So remember us and think about what you're doing. We are not taboo, we are real, with real feelings and real lives that you are helping to destroy. Have some dignity and let him go. Believe me, there is a man out there who will love you for you. Don't get caught up in his lies and it will save you, and the wife, a long life of hurt, pain and regret.

Mr Spock Established Member

Mr Spock

Posted
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The men are not able to do what they do if OW don't let them. Yes, there may be times when you don't know that you are the OW and that happens. But when you do know, keep in mind that this is not about you anymore. There's someone on the other side of this who will go through more pain and anguish than you as the OW will ever feel long after you're gone.

 

Wow. How you've simplified that. What you forget is that many OW love their MM. Why should they give up that love? Why should they give up the chance that they might have a meangingful valid relationship? Truth enough, the statistics don't support that theory the majority of the time-but why should she give up trying until she knows for sure?

 

Women who are with their men have invested time and energy with them and will be devastated knowing what he was doing. We have compromised and made sacrifices. You as the OW, when doing this woman's man, need to think about the pain you are contributing to and look deep down and see would you want to be in that same position. Make us real people, not just "the wife". We're not bad people, just married to a bad man, and we don't deserve the hurt and pain which you are contributing to.

 

 

Uh huh. Listen, if you're married to a bad man perhaps you should yourself get rid of him and find one that won't mess around on you. I am not saying ANY W deserves to be cheated on-but you're offering simple solutions to a complicated situation.

 

 

So remember us and think about what you're doing. We are not taboo, we are real, with real feelings and real lives that you are helping to destroy. Have some dignity and let him go. Believe me, there is a man out there who will love you for you. Don't get caught up in his lies and it will save you, and the wife, a long life of hurt, pain and regret.

 

Never thought the subject of wives was taboo. That's what confuses me the most. If your husband (you, as in any wife not just YOU)is cheating on you, and is in love with someone else, why do you try to hang on with white knuckles to a relationship that may in fact not be worth saving?

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Karlise13 Established Member

Karlise13

Posted
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Many wives would probably be better off without their man.

 

However, many OW would probably be better off without their man, too.

 

 

Why hang on, white-knuckled, to a relationship that drags on and on with no conclusion?

EnigmaXOXO Established Member

EnigmaXOXO

Posted
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Listen, if you're married to a bad man perhaps you should yourself get rid of him and find one that won't mess around on you. I am not saying ANY W deserves to be cheated on-but you're offering simple solutions to a complicated situation.

 

But don't you think that's over-simplifying the situation too, Spock?

 

In most cases, the spouses aren't even aware that their partners are cheating. The game requires dishonesty and betrayal…a deceptive art which requires much skill, effort and careful planning. And those who aren't getting caught are just as skilled at lying at home as they are to their OW/OM.

 

And where does one go to find someone that won't mess around? Is there a listing in the phone directory somewhere that we have missed? Some psychological testing we can impose upon our potential partners to predetermine the likelihood that infidelity might occur some time down the road?

 

By god!...Send in the clairvoyants, I want to sign up!! :confused:

 

And while you claim that the OW/OM has the right to hold onto the "love," in the same respect, the spouse has every right to hold onto their marriage and family (if they darn well choose to do so!) The OW/OM has no jurisdiction or bargaining power over that…which is why they frequently loose out to the spouse in the end. Believe it or not…there is more to a real relationship than just hot sex.

 

Let's face it ladies: In the end, the ayas will spread and the boobies will fall. When your once youthful body and ravenous sexual appetite is no longer the desired married-man commodity de'jour…what will that lonely, aging lady in the mirror have to account for it all? Will her memories of how beautiful and desirable she once was be enough to keep her company when the men stop calling?---Or might she envy those women who struggled to hold their marriages together and are now spending their quiet years surrounded by the love of family…and that now bald, limp-d*** old man in the recliner beside her. He may no longer be another woman's "prize"…but darn it, she earned her life companion, fair and square. Sagging boobies and all! :laugh:

 

Perhaps to some THAT'S worth fighting for?

Mr Spock Established Member

Mr Spock

Posted
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In terms of a long standing affair, I ask coollady why the OW needs to be the one who walks away? I would imagine a wife walking away from a cheating spouse would also be about maintaining dignity.

 

Many, many affairs are about more than hot sex enigma.

EnigmaXOXO Established Member

EnigmaXOXO

Posted
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Many, many affairs are about more than hot sex enigma.

 

Hmmm...I wonder if you'd be up to proving that theory? Stop having sex with your married men and let us all know what happens.

 

Please, please, change my humble opinion and prove me wrong! :bunny:

coollady_1974

coollady_1974

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by Mr Spock

In terms of a long standing affair, I ask coollady why the OW needs to be the one who walks away? I would imagine a wife walking away from a cheating spouse would also be about maintaining dignity.

 

Many, many affairs are about more than hot sex enigma.

 

Mr. Spock,

 

Have you ever been cheated on? Correction...have you ever been with a man who has committed to be with you exclusively and he then goes to someone else? (Being the OW, you are being cheated on, from the start.)

 

Until that has happened and are faced with the choice of having a relationship with your man or walking away, you cannot tell me that it is undignified for a married woman to stay with her man.

 

See, I've been down that road and am dealing with this situation. I chose to stay because:

 

1. I truly do love this man.

2. We have a good life together.

3. I have sacrificed for my relationship for 12 years and put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into it and I don't want to give that up for his mistake.

4. He has truly hurt so many people, not just me, with his lies and deceit that I doubt very much that he would do this again.

 

So for me, for the sake of my relationship and what I truly wanted in this life, it was more dignified for me to stay than to go. It is my opinion that it takes more strength and dignity for a married woman to choose to stay and make her marriage work, than to leave.

 

One of my friends broke it down to me today stating that men cheat because they have an "itch" and when they scratch that itch, they are ready to come home and deal with their home life and be husbands to their wives and fathers to their children. It doesn't matter what type of woman they have at home...home is where the heart is and where they are going to go. I don't necessarily condone this behavior, but it explains why the OW very rarely gets the MM at the end.

 

The OW in this case has been ostracized by his and her family and others. She gets no respect and even her sisters called her a ho. There was no real relationship between them two. He went over her house once every three or four months, did her and then left. He didn't lie to her about the situation and she knew about me. They have a child together because he was stupid to not protect himself, but she does not call my house. When she sees me, she doesn't look me in the eyes. She knows that I think she is nothing and she has to deal with that. They communicate through a third party because his sister, who is temporarily staying with us, calls her all kinds of b****** and ho's whenever she calls. It is really a bad situation for her because she cannot remove herself.

 

The day I found out about the "affair", he immediately told her that he could not see her anymore. I did not tell him to do that, he did it on his own. This is not the first time she was in this predicament and now she has two kids and no man and on welfare living in a trailer park. Is that where you want to be? Economically you may not be in that situation, but really, that's sad. Where is the dignity in that? She could have easily chosen not to get involved and found her own man.

 

Meanwhile, we're in counseling and our relationship is better than ever. We truly enjoy each other and our lives. Yes, I was hurt, still am. That type of betrayal runs deep. But I feel no shame in staying. I love where I am with him right now and if took an affair to get us there, then so be it. It took more strength and guts to stay than to leave. So really think about where she is and where I am. Do you still feel that a married woman staying with her man is undignified?

cheeks Member

cheeks

Posted
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enigma-

"And while you claim that the OW/OM has the right to hold onto the "love," in the same respect, the spouse has every right to hold onto their marriage and family (if they darn well choose to do so!) The OW/OM has no jurisdiction or bargaining power over that…which is why they frequently loose out to the spouse in the end. Believe it or not…there is more to a real relationship than just hot sex."

 

 

 

I sometimes do not know how to relate to alot of the stories in this forum because my situation is a little different. I did not know for over 2 years that my x was still with his wife. When I found out, our relationship ended. But still, a marriage can be beautiful and sacred. But sometimes it IS just a piece of paper. I would not want my husband to stay with me because of a piece of paper. Love is what should keep a man and wife together. These relationships ARE real. Yeah sure there are a few that are just sex and do not go any further emotionally, but the ones that do are REAL. A piece of paper can not change that. I believe that the OW/OM that are in these true love relationships only loose out to the spouse because the MM/MW are cowards. Scared to start over.

fanou22 Established Member

fanou22

Posted
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I don't think Spock meant that the wife should walk away for the OW.

It is the MM who should walk away from the temptation of the OW.

 

Keep in mind that some of the OWs don't know from the beginning that he is married. A lot of times the MM lies.

Of course that is not the case all the time and some of us still chose to have a relationship with a MM. To each one of us her reasons.

 

I congratulate all the wives for being able to make it work after an affair. I believe that some men can be reformed ONLY IF THEY WANT TO.

EnigmaXOXO Established Member

EnigmaXOXO

Posted
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I have never seen a better example of strength and dignity (mixed with pain) then I do when I read through the posts of DazedNConfused. I am so awe inspired by his humble determination to hold his marriage and family together after the wreckage of an affair that I am at a loss for words.

 

Perhaps its just me, but never once did I see a hint of weakness or lack of personal dignity in the way he has chosen to handle their situation. Then again, maybe real love isn't about pride, dignity, entitlement or power struggles at all? :confused:

coollady_1974 New Member

coollady_1974

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by fanou22

I don't think Spock meant that the wife should walk away for the OW.

It is the MM who should walk away from the temptation of the OW.

 

Keep in mind that some of the OWs don't know from the beginning that he is married. A lot of times the MM lies.

Of course that is not the case all the time and some of us still chose to have a relationship with a MM. To each one of us her reasons.

 

I congratulate all the wives for being able to make it work after an affair. I believe that some men can be reformed ONLY IF THEY WANT TO.

 

I totally agree, which is why I started my post mentioning putting the man's wrongdoing aside. That is an understood factor that I feel we all agree on. My problem is when the OW KNOWS the situation and still chooses to carry on the "relationship". There are times when she doesn't know and is an innocent party to his wrongdoings. But once she does know and still continues with the relationship, she is now a willing party in the wrongdoing and she needs to take responsibility for that.

 

Regardless of how you feel about that man, it takes more of a woman to say that she cannot cause that type of pain to another woman and walk away than it is to stay with that man. The OW would realize that she deserved more and so did his wife. I do not feel that she should tell the wife as it is not her place and you do not know how the wife will react. But if you are faced with the situation, my suggestion is to leave. If the MM truly loves you, he will do right by you.

supermom Established Member

supermom

Posted
Posted
In terms of a long standing affair, I ask coollady why the OW needs to be the one who walks away? I would imagine a wife walking away from a cheating spouse would also be about maintaining dignity.

 

 

Also though, it's the wife who has put more into the relationship and is #1. The OW in my opinion, one knowing the man is married, if she stays in the relationship, is knowingly accepting and being okay with being #2.

 

What is the deal anyway, if you know that the man is married, he is taken.

 

I just don't understand why the OW can just come into this life, be okay with it, and expect to be treated as #1 when they are just an intrusion (as well as the MM allowing her to be) into the marriage.

 

All the frustration and heartache comes along with being #2, the OW, that's why they are called the "other woman" instead of the wife.

 

Not trying to judge, but there is a fine line with being lied to and maintaining this "relationship".

 

When an OW, women gets married, doesn't she expect to hold onto her marriage? What would she do if there was an "intrusion" in the marriage. I think that being as she is #1, she would hold onto that marriage if she feels, as she has put more into it.

 

Or does marriage mean nothing to anyone anymore? It sure means a hell of a lot to me. It means that this is MY HUSBAND, not someone else's bf. MINE MINE MINE. It's like a territorial thing, as we are all animals anyway. My marriage also means an institution I've created for my daughter. I would be very territorial with another women, no matter what, in regards to my marriage.

 

Okay I'm starting to get like my old self.....need to relax

fanou22 Established Member

fanou22

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by coollady_1974

If the MM truly loves you, he will do right by you.

 

I think we can all agree that MM is selfish and loves no one but himself to put every one in this situation.

 

You cannot fault the OW as much as the MM. I understand it takes 2 to tango but it also takes a leading partner for a nice tango, who in this case it is the MM.

 

You also seem to forget that OW is not thinking of the wife. She is not his problem. I broke it off one time with MM because I thought of his wife and kids. Once he assured me that they are not mine to worry about, I was back.

 

IMO, why should I worry when he does not?

fanou22 Established Member

fanou22

Posted
Posted

Supermom,

 

I cannot talk for everyone else but my relationship with MM. I did not get into it expecting to become #1.

 

From your point of view, the OW is an intrusion. From the OW's point of view the wife is an inconvenience (Don't mean to hurt anyone just being honest).

supermom Established Member

supermom

Posted
Posted
From your point of view, the OW is an intrusion. From the OW's point of view the wife is an inconvenience (Don't mean to hurt anyone just being honest).

 

No offense taken, BUT the inconvenience is what the MM chose to marry, so inconvenience as it may be, it is her territory.

 

The OW can be an inconvenice as well, an inconvenice in the fact that it is inconvenient to have someone try to take away something that the wife works so hard to keep. ( In most cases).

 

Just discussing here, not trying to bash

fanou22 Established Member

fanou22

Posted
Posted

But the OW is not dragging him by force to her place. He is the one choosing to see her.

 

Granted the OW should walk away from such a relationship. I know I should have. Please don't tell do it. I don't want to say I am ending it. I prefer to wait and make sure it ended for good before I come posting in here.

 

I am trying to learn as much as I can about marriages and cheating. With all the things that I read about, it scares me to entertain the idea of getting married one day.

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