scipio Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I'm in grad school, I met this girl (a classmate) during orientation this past August. We instantly clicked. We first had sex toward the end of September, then started dating. To make a long story short, I never made myself vulnerable to her and although we had fun together and had good sex she never felt the total affection that she needed (although i had that affection in my heart). I didn't compliment her enough, and didn't spend enough time w/ her in general. We had a few arguments relating to this and I always said i would do better, and I usually did. Things would get better. She actually tried to break up with me, but i fought for her and convinced her to stay. On a specific weekend, she had a girls hockey game that i said i would attend, but it totally slipped my mind. This hurt her badly and she said we were done. I didn't want to lose her so I fought for her and convinced her to give me another chance. Things got much much better. But to add another layer of complexity, we have some fundamental differences. I don't drink alcohol, she does. And sometimes she feels she can't be herself because of that. I think she believes that the relationship has no future because of our differences. So after things were going so well, she said we should breakup. The third time I simply said OK. This was partly because the weekend before, there was a party we were supposed to go to together,...when i texted her she replied that it would be better that I didn't go to the party because she would be drinking,....bottom line she felt she would have more fun without me and she didn't want me to be there. So i took that as a sign and let her go. However, I still love her and I believe she loves me. Should i still fight for her? As soon as she said we wanted to breakup I obliged, and have maintained No Contact for 3 days. This is complicated because we go to the same school and i see her everywhere, so its extremely painful. She wants to remain on speaking terms, I went by her the other day and she said hello, i replied quickly but moved on. I think she was hurt by that. Should I maintain no contact? Should I fight for her one last time, to make her understand that according to me we have a future and that I love her? Please help.
Mer91 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 A casual fling that ended? Dont bother youll only get hurt worse.
Author scipio Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 A casual fling that ended? Dont bother youll only get hurt worse. We were dating for 5 months,...hardly a casual fling. And "casual fling" does not reflect what we felt about each other, its quite insulting to our relationship actually. I'm not sure how you read what i wrote as a casual fling. If you're trying to help, you basically just tried to minimize what i'm going through, and thats not helpful at all.
lovelifexx Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Nobody knows you or your relationship. And I think the majority of us are jaded on here. Don't let comments those comments get to you. I have heard it too. I wouldn't go and tell her that you love her and want to get back together with her. When people know that you are waiting for them, they don't come running back. If anything it almost encourages them to go see what else is out there. They feel safe knowing you are waiting for them. But, I understand that you are worried if she thinks that you don't care at all that will cause her to move on. Actually it does the opposite. Don't be cold to her. Be friendly and caring, but let her see that you are moving on and not waiting for her. It's best for your reovery too. Moving on, you might meet someone who would never leave you.
TaraMaiden Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I hate to say it but I think she believes you're just not on the same wavelength - and she might be right. My H. Drinks. I don't. it's not an issue. But she thinks you're a stick-in-the-mud, and you think she gets uncontrollable and 'silly' when she's had a few. There are fundamental differences in the way you socialise and 'hang loose' and I think she feels judged by you, so she's decided she would rather be a free spirit, than have to conform for someone else. And the affection you had 'in your heart', should have been a lot more obvious to her. A valuable lesson to learn here, is that if you love a woman, she wants to be able to tell. If you want to be together, then you're BOTH have to take a slightly different approach to each other. And honestly? If it means compromising (both) your values - I'd seriously question whether you're prepared to do that. Study the NC guide in my signature. Any questions, feel free to ask. 1
Author scipio Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 I hate to say it but I think she believes you're just not on the same wavelength - and she might be right. My H. Drinks. I don't. it's not an issue. But she thinks you're a stick-in-the-mud, and you think she gets uncontrollable and 'silly' when she's had a few. There are fundamental differences in the way you socialise and 'hang loose' and I think she feels judged by you, so she's decided she would rather be a free spirit, than have to conform for someone else. And the affection you had 'in your heart', should have been a lot more obvious to her. A valuable lesson to learn here, is that if you love a woman, she wants to be able to tell. If you want to be together, then you're BOTH have to take a slightly different approach to each other. And honestly? If it means compromising (both) your values - I'd seriously question whether you're prepared to do that. Study the NC guide in my signature. Any questions, feel free to ask. I think you're spot on. She does feel judged. But I'm honestly not trying to judge her, and i'm fine with how she socializes. The question is, is it worth trying to convince her of this? I feel like I have to fight harder for her. But I understand that it may not go over well. I'm just lost. No Contact is hard because we literally live a stones throw away from each other and go to the same school. We're in the same vicinity at all times.
TaraMaiden Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Right now, NC is the best thing you could do. Try to arrange a schedule where you're less likely to run into her. And at school, avoid eye contact, and only speak with her if the context of schooling dictates it. Otherwise, 'look the other way'. She may approach you and ask to talk about this. Then, perhaps you can try to communicate a bit more openly with her. Maybe part of the problem is that you play your cards a bit too close to your chest....? You may feel something, but not feel the need to express it. She would see the silence as disapproval. Remember, the Silence of NC is hard for dumpers to bear, which is why dumpers feed breadcrumbs. They want a reaction. In a similar way, your silence and reticence would have unnerved her....but not in a way you wanted.
Author scipio Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Right now, NC is the best thing you could do. Try to arrange a schedule where you're less likely to run into her. And at school, avoid eye contact, and only speak with her if the context of schooling dictates it. Otherwise, 'look the other way'. She may approach you and ask to talk about this. Then, perhaps you can try to communicate a bit more openly with her. Maybe part of the problem is that you play your cards a bit too close to your chest....? You may feel something, but not feel the need to express it. She would see the silence as disapproval. Remember, the Silence of NC is hard for dumpers to bear, which is why dumpers feed breadcrumbs. They want a reaction. In a similar way, your silence and reticence would have unnerved her....but not in a way you wanted. Wouldn't playing my cards close to the chest be a good thing in this context? Based on the one time i walked by her as she said hello, and later that day in class when we caught each others eyes and i quickly glanced away (after which she seemed quite upset), I think acting like she doesn't exist hurts her deeply, my only fear is that it will confirm to her what she feared about our relationship. While the opposite is true, I love her a lot.
TaraMaiden Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Well... how has being reticent, reserved and tight-lipped helped you in the relationship, so far?
Author scipio Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Well... how has being reticent, reserved and tight-lipped helped you in the relationship, so far? Not well,...but isn't it too late to reverse that If i'm doing NC? I would love to be more open about my feelings,...but how do you suggest i do so in this current predicament?
Author scipio Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 any more advice? I just saw her as I walked into my building and my heart started racing. Not sure how much longer i can handle this.
cotts1 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Talk to her! Let it all out, tell her exactly how you feel. NC is for the bitter and emotionally unstable. Maybe she won't take you back but at least you tried. I'm of the belief that you shouldn't just give up on someone or something you want. Good luck.
316 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Talk to her! Let it all out, tell her exactly how you feel. NC is for the bitter and emotionally unstable. Maybe she won't take you back but at least you tried. I'm of the belief that you shouldn't just give up on someone or something you want. Good luck. I agree with everything you said except the part I highlighted. NC is for the strong-willed that put themselves before others. I have a hard time believing you would be all "buddy buddy" with your ex if you got cheated on/dumped. Anyways, judging by your scenario OP, I'd say this is a rare case where you need to let everything out and don't hold back. You need to tell her everything you've just told us and make the best impression that you could possibly make. If you really love this girl then you should fight for her. She clearly isn't aware of how much you truly care about her. But only try once... If she denies you again then it's over and then you can go NC to move on. Don't take too long though! Good luck man! Let us know how it goes!
cotts1 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Sorry I should have clarified that. Of course nobody would want to be friends with a girl who cheated on them. I was just referring to the relationship the OP laid out which seems like a fairly amicable break up.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Talk to her! Let it all out, tell her exactly how you feel. NC is for the bitter and emotionally unstable. Maybe she won't take you back but at least you tried. I'm of the belief that you shouldn't just give up on someone or something you want. Good luck. Your post on here in a couple weeks should be incredibly ironic to read. Should be fun lol
316 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Sorry I should have clarified that. Of course nobody would want to be friends with a girl who cheated on them. I was just referring to the relationship the OP laid out which seems like a fairly amicable break up. Regardless of whether he got cheated or not the bottom line is that he wants her back and if she doesn't want him back then there's very little reason for him to remain friends with her. Being friends with an ex-lover who you still love is one of the most painful things a person can go through. That's why NC is almost always the best option.
cotts1 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 I'm friends with almost all of my ex's. Some people can handle it better than others I suppose. I'm not immune to heartbreak but you move on and find someone else. Just because the romantic aspect of a past relationship didn't work out doesn't mean the friendship needs to die.
316 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 I'm friends with almost all of my ex's. Some people can handle it better than others I suppose. I'm not immune to heartbreak but you move on and find someone else. Just because the romantic aspect of a past relationship didn't work out doesn't mean the friendship needs to die. Well that's good for you but you're in the minority. Most people do not remain friends with their ex after a breakup. However it is possible to go for a friendship after both parties have completely healed, but that usually takes a lot of time.
Author scipio Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 I literally do not know how I'll survive this. I still haven't contacted her but I'm having trouble eating, sleeping, thoughts of her are always in my head, ALWAYS. There's nothing i can do to get rid of them. I feel weak, lethargic, its just killing me. I have an appointment tomorrow with a school counselor who deals w/ stress and other issues. I'm in such a dark place right now. And the fact that only 2 weeks ago she was saying stuff like "I love every part of you" to me makes we want to scream and try to get that back.
Chi townD Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 when i texted her she replied that it would be better that I didn't go to the party because she would be drinking,....bottom line she felt she would have more fun without me and she didn't want me to be there. Bottomline, she valued partying and drinking more than spending that time with you. Or even sharing that time with you. So, you should have an idea where you stand in her list of priorities.
TaraMaiden Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 (edited) People need to understand this: We get this a lot - I mean, A LOT on LS. It seems to be more prevalent with guys though... (so I'll write it from a guy's perspective)....we get a lot of guys saying similar: Two days ago she was professing undying love/wanting to marry me/telling me i was her whole life/that she couldn't imagine life without me.... and then suddenly we're broken up... How can anyone go from *that* to *this*...?! I'll tell you how. It's extremely simple. They're somehow hoping that if they confirm it, they'll feel it. They want to convince themselves they really feel that way, so maybe by saying it, it's a last-ditch attempt to ratify the relationship. I need to ask guys, if this is the case, whether they can cast their minds back to this specific instance, this statement of definitive affection, days before the B/U - and ask: Was there a quarrel? A difference of opinion? An argument? A divergence of views? Was there anything mildly unsatisfactory about the relationship she complained about afterwards, like not enough attention, taking for granted, lack of respect....? See, these firm statements hide a quiet desperation. A last-ditch attempt to hold it all together before the final straw breaks the camel's back.... I think that's how or why they blow hot-and-cold. Why they seem to brazenly contradict themselves. Because actually, it wasn't so much a statement of fact, as a quiet desperate assertion to convince themselves everything would be ok..... Edited February 6, 2013 by TaraMaiden
Author scipio Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 Right now I'm most concerned about how to deal with the pain,...its so so intense. I've had breakups before but never felt like this.
TaraMaiden Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 In your stomach, right....? Weird - no, I mean, really weird - suggestion: eat something sweet. On each side of your forehead, next to the hairline, the cranium juts out in two raised bumps. They might be quite pronounced, they might be almost indiscernible. But they're there. Put a fingertip on the tipmost part of each bump, then 'slide down the slope' into the hairline. in other words, backwards, towards your head, not down towards your eyebrows. At the 'base of each slope', is an important acupressure point. Put the tips of index finger and middle finger of each hand, on each point. Rub in small circles, but applying pressure firmly to move the skin around, don't rub the skin... if that makes sense. Massage the points.... The combination of those two (eating something sweet and massaging the points) should provide relief from the pain.
Boy Band Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 They want to convince themselves they really feel that way, so maybe by saying it, it's a last-ditch attempt to ratify the relationship. See, these firm statements hide a quiet desperation. A last-ditch attempt to hold it all together before the final straw breaks the camel's back.... I think that's how or why they blow hot-and-cold. Why they seem to brazenly contradict themselves. Because actually, it wasn't so much a statement of fact, as a quiet desperate assertion to convince themselves everything would be ok..... I agree with this, my ex said as much when she broke up with me. Like the others, I 'never saw it coming'. At the breakup I told her that she'd seemed so warm and loving to me only the day before, and how did she 'switch that off'? She said she'd been trying to 'manufacture' that feeling in herself, it hadn't been there for a while (which was still news to me), but she tried one last time to see if she could get the 'feeling' back again, but couldn't. Tara, that's a good way of describing how the ex 'suddenly' gets over you. I thought it was interesting that you said that NC can be hard for the dumper. I think inside a part of me almost wants to believe that in some way the breakup was hard for her too, and I don't know why. It doesn't change anything.
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