leahnc Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Ok, so my situation is a little complicated, isnt everyone's? LOL. I am technically (legally) still married, basically waiting on paperwork. However in the separation agreement my ex and I had, we are to be considered as "single free people" living "separate lives and apart with no intention of reconciliation" and to add to that fact, we were only married 1 year and have no children. Suffice it to say that being young, (30) and having just gone through that experience, it took me a little while to recover. About 7 months after we legally and fully separated, (after months of living like roomates) I met someone despite the fact that I was in no way looking for anyone or anything. I met this guy Brian through a mutual (casual) friend. He and I hit it off from the get go and quickly began dating, we spend a lot of time together. Probably 4 nights a week at least, and the rest of the week one of us is either away or I stay at my house (we both travel frequently for business) In any event, about a month ago (so 3 months in) we were out and having some drinks and laughs and I was a bit buzzed but not drunk. Brian said something that I cant remember now, but it was really cute, and I looked at him and said "Oh my gosh, I love you" and even though I completely did NOT mean for it to come out that way, I clearly couldnt undo what had been done. Yes, I have strong feelings for him, and love, but have not brought the subject up since that night because the aftermath that evening of me saying "I love you" was a disagreement between us. He brought up the fact that "You arent even divorced yet!" and at one point he had even said he was not sure what (if any) serious future we would have together for some logistical reasons, (our schedules, my political affiliation etc.) which seem like excuses. Well, since then, we obviously made up and things have been really great. I have never brought up that subject of "love" again and even after that night he told me he was really sorry he had said those things and that NOW, yes, he definitely could see a future with me. The other thing is that, when he is away, I often will watch his dog for him, which includes staying at his house (something I dont like very much with him not there) but he is always so thankful about it, and always does something nice after I watch the dog like taking me out to dinner. I guess my questions is: Is my divorce what could be holding him back? If the divorce were finalized tomorrow (which is quite possible) would that change something for him? Should I wait for him to fall in love with me? Or is he just buying time so he wont have to have the "breakup" talk with me? How long do I stick around, or should I even EVER bring the subject up again? Also, we never use terms like "boyfriend, or girlfriend" but we have both agreed we are "exclusive"
pteromom Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I guess my questions is: Is my divorce what could be holding him back? If the divorce were finalized tomorrow (which is quite possible) would that change something for him? Should I wait for him to fall in love with me? Or is he just buying time so he wont have to have the "breakup" talk with me? How long do I stick around, or should I even EVER bring the subject up again? Heck, I don't know. Only ONE PERSON knows whether it is your divorce or something else holding him back - HIM. You need to have a serious talk with him about his feelings, his intentions, and what he sees for the future. If you can't talk to him openly, then you shouldn't even be thinking about him in a serious way anyway. I would also recommend spending more time on your own. Spending 4 nights a week with him isn't giving you a lot of space to keep finding out who you are as a divorced woman.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I think the way he handled it the first time speaks for a lot...and he does already seem to be spitting out the excuses. I ultimately think he won't offer you a relationship, after all you guys spend all this time together and don't even discuss any serious emotions? I really don't see much materializing from that and as a man no I don't think your divorce has a lot to do with it, because at this point he'd understand the situation and be accepting of it...after all, what does he have to lose? he obviously already got himself involved in this situation yet he's unsure or unwilling to have a relationship with you out of it? that means to me you're just a convenient companion for intimacy, you spend a lot of time with him and he's soaking it up. Once you've got nothing holding you back I think you're going to spill over with what he can take and he's going to bail. That's what I see from what you've written. I think he'll claim trust and commitment issues or something along those lines...I think he's going to remain "indecisive" until he can't control the situation, right now you are controlled by an external factor such as not being fully divorced...which is working in his benefit as it keeps the pressure off him to commit or any possibility, it's likely nice for him not have to cross that bridge..he doesn't have to make up any excuses yet since you're married technically. Personally for you though, I think you should look at this as a thing that you enjoyed after your failed marriage and nothing more, probably helped you get a lot out of your system and served as a nice change of pace and distraction...I think it would be a really bad idea for you to hop into another relationship at this time...so I think you've met at this point for a reason. However to pretend you can continue with this guy and maintain this situation is silly, it's nearing that time you should make an exit....and start concentrating on getting your own life together and forming your own personal space and lively hood once again after moving out from your ex-husband...I wouldn't go shooting for the stars with this guy, I'd just get over it and chalk it up to a good time for what it was and while it lasted. 1
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