spooky48 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 If you've been on numerous dating sites (both paid & non-paid), been out in the "real world" too, by going to activities, events, sporting events, clubs, bars, church, volunteer groups but, STILL no-one has approached or asked you out in all of the years of sincerely trying...would it be a good idea then to surrender all of your accounts, swear off looking & just concentrate on making your life the best as possible? What if you surrender it all off but, you are very alone because, your family lives far away or they can't "take you in at holidays"? What if ALL of your friends & work colleagues are all married with children & your the only one in your pool who isn't? How do you "go out, have fun & not be alone"? Finally & furthermore, if you've even changed your physical appearance, went to classes to change your shy/reserved behaviorisms & even hired life coaches, are these then, classic signs to just surrender & give-up? Are all of these then, classic signs after you've tried MANY options that, you should just give-up, resign & be alone then? Bottom-line, have you ever just firmly surrendered it all based upon your countless ways you've tried to meet someone let alone be asked out, approached?
Keenly Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I'm going to say that it is what I want to do definitely, but I just can't surrender like that. It hasn't been years yet for me, but if it gets to that mark, I probably will.
pbjbear Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I havent dated for the past 5 months or so. By choice. Ive turned down men that have asked me out. I want this year to be a year free of dating to focus on myself. I have dated a ton the past few years (meaning dating a guy for at least a month) and Im burnt out. The only "dating account" I have is here. This is a good time killer for when I get stuck fulfilling a secretary shift at my job (they laid off the secretary so us staffers have to take turns now) I think people in general today look for love too much and should focus more energy on themselves and this doesnt apply to people who only want relationships (I know tons of men who only want casual relationships but yet are incapable of ever NOT doing that...they cant be alone!)...I hear love comes when youre not looking. I dont know I havent found it yet maybe one day. Plus, it helps to be the most attractive person you can be when you do meet someone good
Yellowteacup Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 When dating failed me, I decided to meet new friends by thinking outside the box. If I liked someone, I would not wait for them to ask me, I asked them.
KathyM Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Some people do give up searching for a romantic partner and they fill their lives with others instead, like developing good friends, and bringing other people into their lives in other capacities. Being without a romantic partner does not mean you have to be a hermit. I know a man who is about 50 years old who has found happiness by investing his time with his friends, his volunteering pursuits, his job, and his hobbies and interests that don't include a romantic partner. It can be done, and there are plenty of people that are not actively pursuing a romantic partner. I also know other young and middle aged and older people who are perfectly happy without a romantic partner. Nothing wrong with making the most of your life and ceasing the active pursuit of a romantic partner. Besides, if you are involved in life and meeting others through your own activities, hobbies, and interests, you are not really taking yourself off the market. You are just ceasing the active pursuit of a romantic partner, but you would still be open to meeting new people in your normal activities. Nothing wrong with that. If you've been on the dating websites for many months without so much as one date, then it's time to discontinue that route and instead spend the time on improving yourself and investing your time in ways that are beneficial to you and to others.
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Great responses from others! My sense is that you have tried to date, want to date and be in a relationship, and haven't been able to accomplish either for some period of time. I wouldn't "surrender" or stop trying if you truly want a romantic companion. Sounds like you picked all the right things to do. Possibly the issue isn't putting yourself out there, which you are doing, but rather how you went about it and how you interacted with others. These are suggestions, not a critique. Can you take a step back and think about that? Maybe take a few months break from all these activities and instead ask friends for their input? How you might act differently? Maybe what you might change about your appearance and style of interaction. That will do two things btw: get you constructive feedback and let them know that you are single, available, and actively looking to change that by finding the right guy. Often if you never seem to date, people assume you just aren't interested in dating or being in a relationship. You mentioned that you are never approached. That's probably useful information. Are you friendly with random strangers? Or do you keep to yourself? Do you smile? Do you know how to flirt? Are you comfortable flirting with guys? If not, learn to do this. Even when you aren't actively flirting in the moment, it changes your overall demeanor towards guys in general. You "seem" warm and approachable rather than aloof, cold, or icy. (I'm sure you're kind and sweet. The issue is the impression you might give.) Smiling and otherwise signalling that you're approachable makes you more attractive to guys. Have you ever been to a speed dating event? If not, it might be a great place to practice. Not only might you meet someone, but you'll also interact with a bunch of guys in a semi-controlled environment. It's also a great way to observe how your fellow women dress and interact with guys. If I may, when was the last time you dated or were in a relationship? How did that come about? Maybe try that type of approach again? Good luck. I sense your frustration, but outright giving up will be a surefire way to get more of the same. I do hope you meet someone wonderful and find the companionship you desire.
ls32ssibm Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 OP, it's what I've done. I've been single (on dates, but still single) for going on two years now. It sucks, but my life is NOT where I want it to be right now career-wise so that is coming first. I am slowly dismantling my internet presence on OLD sites. If they haven't worked over about 2 years now they aren't going to.
Titania22 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Well I have sworn it all off, and if I didn't have the kids and thus the social life with them and their friend online gaming, then I would make sure I still went to meetup groups of things that I am interested in, not to find someone, but rather to have a full fun life and socialise (maybe make new friends). I am an introvert and like my own company, but I feel for a balanced life a person needs human interaction and fun. Since my life is full and fun without that, I have just opted out.
Author spooky48 Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 Great responses from others! My sense is that you have tried to date, want to date and be in a relationship, and haven't been able to accomplish either for some period of time. I wouldn't "surrender" or stop trying if you truly want a romantic companion. Sounds like you picked all the right things to do. Possibly the issue isn't putting yourself out there, which you are doing, but rather how you went about it and how you interacted with others. These are suggestions, not a critique. Can you take a step back and think about that? Maybe take a few months break from all these activities and instead ask friends for their input? How you might act differently? Maybe what you might change about your appearance and style of interaction. That will do two things btw: get you constructive feedback and let them know that you are single, available, and actively looking to change that by finding the right guy. Often if you never seem to date, people assume you just aren't interested in dating or being in a relationship. You mentioned that you are never approached. That's probably useful information. Are you friendly with random strangers? Or do you keep to yourself? Do you smile? Do you know how to flirt? Are you comfortable flirting with guys? If not, learn to do this. Even when you aren't actively flirting in the moment, it changes your overall demeanor towards guys in general. You "seem" warm and approachable rather than aloof, cold, or icy. (I'm sure you're kind and sweet. The issue is the impression you might give.) Smiling and otherwise signalling that you're approachable makes you more attractive to guys. Have you ever been to a speed dating event? If not, it might be a great place to practice. Not only might you meet someone, but you'll also interact with a bunch of guys in a semi-controlled environment. It's also a great way to observe how your fellow women dress and interact with guys. If I may, when was the last time you dated or were in a relationship? How did that come about? Maybe try that type of approach again? Good luck. I sense your frustration, but outright giving up will be a surefire way to get more of the same. I do hope you meet someone wonderful and find the companionship you desire. Hi, First off, thanks to EVERY one of you people for replying & responding. I appreciate it. Secondly, I'm writing to quote & answer a few of your questions you posed Cutiepie1976, that I feel may be the answers to some things. I mean, that's what I thought about after I read your post. Here goes nothing: 1) I never smile at random strangers, I notice too, if someone looks at me across the room I immediately look away & if I see that person still looking at me (no smile either) then, I just look away again. I am always keeping to myself unless I am with someone I'm comfortable talking to & with. 2) I do not flirt with men. I was raised very "traditional" in the sense that, if a man is "THAT" interested, he'll do anything & everything in his power to approach me, ask me out, etc. I would NEVER flirt nor change to flirt since, I am so not that type of woman. Call me a wallflower or whatever but, that's just me. I don't really want to be flirtatious either because, I see it in my mind as being overly slutty, whorish & too desperate. 3) I actually have more men friends than women. I am not very "girly" I guess b/c I hardly wear make-up & I do not go to get myself pampered. I was raised that, if you go to the salon, spa, get yourself overly made-up or buy too many materialistic girly items that, you're putting yourself overly out there as whorish, slutty too. I mean, I HAVE to dress very, very professional at my job but, on weekends, it's jeans, sweatshirts, nice blouses to go out with & boots/casual slip-on ballet shoes. That's about it. My hair is chin length and straight, dark blonde. I have blue-gray eyes & no glasses or braces. I have a very, very round face and my eyes & cheeks look too bulgy at times. I am overweight but, not obese. 4) I've never been to speed-dating. I probably would never either b/c of my personality. That's b/c of my shyness & reservation & my traditional values too. 5) The last time I was in a full, real relationship was 2004. That happened b/c I had an ad on a telephone dateline. I was asked out then. It was weird b/c I was WAY fatter then too. So, that's about it for now. I hope you understand me better. Thanks again everyone. Cheers.
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 (edited) Hi again! 1) I never smile at random strangers, I notice too, if someone looks at me across the room I immediately look away & if I see that person still looking at me (no smile either) then, I just look away again. I am always keeping to myself unless I am with someone I'm comfortable talking to & with. Work on changing this. Maybe start by smiling, maintaining eye contact, and chit chatting with the cashier where you shop. 2) I do not flirt with men. I was raised very "traditional" in the sense that, if a man is "THAT" interested, he'll do anything & everything in his power to approach me, ask me out, etc. I would NEVER flirt nor change to flirt since, I am so not that type of woman. Call me a wallflower or whatever but, that's just me. I don't really want to be flirtatious either because, I see it in my mind as being overly slutty, whorish & too desperate. And how has this worked out for you? In fairytales, yes. He slays dragons and comes galloping in on his white horse to save the beautiful, young, helpless damsel in distress...or the beautiful young girl mistreated and abused by a wicked, evil stepmother and ugly, jealous stepsisters. Notice she has no choice in who Mr. Savior is. He decides. Reality is a little different and more nuanced, yes? Many nice, "traditional" guys are not going to shove themselves on someone who is clearly not receptive. You have to give off an aura that his head won't get bitten off if he made a mistake in approaching you. Of course it's preferable if you also signal some interest. There is nothing whorish, slutty, or desperate about smiling and maintaining eye contact with another human being. Personally, I want someone who looks for signals of interest from me. Who is considerate enough and sufficiently socially adept to care about whether he makes me uncomfortable. Do you really want someone who pushes himself on you even when you have zero interest or, demonstrate through your actions that you don't want him bothering you (by avoiding his glance, etc.)? Who is focused only on what he wants? Who couldn't care less that you seem not to want him? Think carefully about the implications of this fantasy of yours, who you select for with your preferred behavior, and who you are likely to get should it ever become reality. Why would you ever want someone who doesn't care how you feel? Who insists on dating you even as you give off signs signs that he is not appealing to you as a potential dating partner?:confused:Are you pining for a predator or an abuser? Besides, why wouldn't you want some choice in who becomes your partner? Why should he do all the work and bear all the risk? Perhaps part of the issue is less about being "whorish," and more about not dealing with the blow to your ego of having a guy decline or ignore your signs of interest? Is some of this a self-esteem issue? I don't know. Think about whether this might be contributing to what is essentially a self-defeating approach. 3) I actually have more men friends than women. That's great that you have male friends. It shows that you're comfortable with guys. I'm also going to guess that you've missed a lot of signals of interest along the way. Pay closer attention. I am not very "girly" I guess b/c I hardly wear make-up & I do not go to get myself pampered. I was raised that, if you go to the salon, spa, get yourself overly made-up or buy too many materialistic girly items that, you're putting yourself overly out there as whorish, slutty too. I mean, I HAVE to dress very, very professional at my job but, on weekends, it's jeans, sweatshirts, nice blouses to go out with & boots/casual slip-on ballet shoes. That's about it. My hair is chin length and straight, dark blonde. I have blue-gray eyes & no glasses or braces. I have a very, very round face and my eyes & cheeks look too bulgy at times. I am overweight but, not obese. How you dress has very little to do with it. I've been cold-approached while out and about in sweats with my hair up and in need of a shower. There are times when I want to ask the guy, "Seriously? What about this is even vaguely attractive to anyone? Have you lost your mind?" I look that bad! Instead I smile and have a quick chat. It's not about make-up. It's not entirely about weight. People date at all weights, however your choices and the number of options improve dramatically as you get closer to the norm. You also become much more confident and perceive yourself as more attractive, which also helps. Your weight may contribute somewhat, but it's not responsible for zero dates. Don't worry about you other flaws. We ALL have flaws! 4) I've never been to speed-dating. I probably would never either b/c of my personality. That's b/c of my shyness & reservation & my traditional values too. 5) The last time I was in a full, real relationship was 2004. That happened b/c I had an ad on a telephone dateline. I was asked out then. It was weird b/c I was WAY fatter then too. A telephone dateline is even further away from "traditional" than speed dating, I would think. I suggested speed dating because I think it would be great practice for you to learn how to interact with guys one-on-one when the goal for both of you is to find someone to date. You'll be overlooked by guys if you go to a bar, dance, party, or other social environment...because you aren't approachable. Because of the structured format in speed dating, they'll end up talking to you and you get a chance to practice, adjust, and practice for an evening with a range of different guys with different personalities. You can go to all the groups, churches, and social activities in the world. If you don't know how to connect with someone when you're looking to date, you'll just be spinning your wheels pointlessly. "How" you put yourself out there, as I mentioned before, is just as important as putting yourself out there. You need both. Why not commit to going to two speed dating events? Don't worry about getting a date. Just relax and focus on seeing and treating guys as men, not just friends. Hope that helps. It's a process. You'll eventually find someone wonderful! Edited February 7, 2013 by Cutiepie1976
JMCOSU838 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 If you've been on numerous dating sites (both paid & non-paid), been out in the "real world" too, by going to activities, events, sporting events, clubs, bars, church, volunteer groups but, STILL no-one has approached or asked you out in all of the years of sincerely trying...would it be a good idea then to surrender all of your accounts, swear off looking & just concentrate on making your life the best as possible? Why are you waiting for someone to approach you and ask you out? What if you surrender it all off but, you are very alone because, your family lives far away or they can't "take you in at holidays"? What if ALL of your friends & work colleagues are all married with children & your the only one in your pool who isn't? How do you "go out, have fun & not be alone"? If you don't feel like you belong in the pool you're in, find a new one to swim in. Finally & furthermore, if you've even changed your physical appearance, went to classes to change your shy/reserved behaviorisms & even hired life coaches, are these then, classic signs to just surrender & give-up? Are all of these then, classic signs after you've tried MANY options that, you should just give-up, resign & be alone then? No, you should not give up. Either refine and work on your current approach or try a new approach. Bottom-line, have you ever just firmly surrendered it all based upon your countless ways you've tried to meet someone let alone be asked out, approached? No, I've never firmly surrendered. Realize that there are seven billion people in the world and chances are pretty high that there is someone out there who would love to meet you and get to know you. If you give up, then there is 0% of you ever finding that person.
ChelleBelle08 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 i wouldn't say "give up" but taking a break might be healthy. After putting pressure on myself and being upset that so many of my friends are married and explaining to them why im single...i decided to take a break. I found friends that are single...i relate better to them and make me less anxious... Ive also just made the choice to change my mindset when with my married friends, i am thankful i can buy whatever i want, and do/go wherever i want whenever i want while my best friends have to answer to their husbands and seem to have their life somewhat controlled. Ive accepted the fact that maybe I won't find "the one" when in the past the thought of this made me very upset. I know i have a lot to offer and the fact that i havn't found anyone is surprising... i also took time working on myself, making myself happy. During this time i realized what amazing people and family i have in my life. What is also surprising is the number of men that asked me out during this time of being not interested in dating. I in turn have been dating and have met people when least expected, during a time i was enjoying being alone and happy with myself...funny how that works...yet, the choice i made to be happy alone sticks by me and i feel that i am a stronger person both in and out of relationships.
Author spooky48 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 Thank you again for several more of you people posting. I've read everything and appreciate your thoughts. I am trying to work-out what I can do b/c being alone too, at holidays (no matter how family oriented or not) they are the worst. Especially if your family doesn't want you over, or doesn't celebrate & all of your other work colleagues & friends have plans with their spouses/significant partners/friends of their own. I know I have some items to correct but, on the same path, certain items I'm remaining as the same. Does anyone though, have any suggestions about the holidays & if you have NO-ONE to be with? Furthermore, does appearance/body language really count in terms of weight & mate selection?
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