I know what I should do.....

[Nicsav4]

My story

I've had a rough start. I am now 52, had really difficult health issues that prevented me from completing college (car accident, psoriatic arthritic at age 26, undisgnosed). Ended up with a loser, due to low self esteem, health issues. He was a drug abuser. Stayed clean for much of the 18 year relationship. We had two children. It was an emotionally abusive relationship, one which I knew I had to get out of. As soon as my arthritis was diagnosed and I could walk, I put my kiddos (then 3 and 5) in school and daycare and dedicated myself to partite college and work and motherhood.

 

I tried the best I could to shield my kids and myself from his abuse and thought we were doing okay. As soon as I got my degree and landed a teaching position, the relationship self destructed. I didn't realize how damaged I really had become after 18 years of verbal abuse.

 

He started using drugs again and stalked the girls and I for the summer while we tried to get our footing and move out of the house that was in his name. That summer I dated a bunch of men. No one worth much, no connections. Except for one guy

 

He was spending time in my area for the summer and was looking for someone to go to dinner with, etc. we went to dinner. Boom. Instant attraction. We kissed. No idea he was married. Set up a next date for next time he would be in town

 

His nephew was killed in Iraq two days before his scheduled visit here. He still had to make the trip. The moment I saw him, my heart just melted for this guy. I was so needy at the time and so was he. I couldn't leave him alone in a hotel room that night. Something told me that he needed me. I stated with him

 

All throughout the funeral planning and consequent trips to the area for those things I was a shoulder to lean on, and he was mine. He always knew when to call as my ex was stalking me, stealing my computer, I was getting my masters degree and this man would stay up late at night doing research for me

 

Never in my life had anyone seemed to care so much. I was hooked. He was everything my ex was not. Educated, straight edge, extremely smart, degree in nuclear engineering, masters in business. Anything I needed to know, he knew the answer

 

My daughters and I were struggling. They were 12 and 14 and we moved to a tiny apartment with a very small income. I was working three jobs and getting my masters. He was my life line.

 

Then my ex overdosed and died. He helped md through that. My mom got very sick and was hospitalized. His mom got ill and passed away.

 

I know what everyone says. They are all liars etc. but he had a need. I had a need. I found out he was married. He didn't tell me earlier because of all the crisis. That was wrong, wrong, wrong. I wouldn't give up what I learned from him and the times we shared for anything.

 

We made so many trips to historical places, we are history nuts. Countless hours on the phone. We are 19 hours away. My job is here. His job is there. His grandchildren are there. Wife too. Yes. House too. Yes. It's all part of it.

 

I can't move. Who would hire a 52 year old teacher? My kids need me here. I am providing them with health insurance for another 8 years! That's my job. How could I abandon them for my own selfish wants? I can't! But I can continue to see my love every school vacation, take long road trips in the summer and spend hours on the phone everyday.

 

I have tried so many times to break it off. I have tried dating. We are so in tune to each other and share the same sense of humors, similar interests, and I am just so il love with this guy.

 

I know he lied to me in the beginning. I know he is married but I also know that when you look outside your marriage for emotional support, it means you are not getting it in your marriage. She is aware of the affair and pretty much has turned a blind eye. She has no work skills outside of babysitting and from what I gather doesn't want to give up her financial comforts and the ability to be super grandma. Which is her number one priority. All fine and well.

 

I have come to grips with the idea of not settling for someone I don't love (been there, done that) not fun. As opposed to having the relationship part time with the man I adore

 

Comments anyone? Do you think I'm crazy??

[veryhappy]

How old were you when you got divorced and how old were you when the affair started?

[Elfie]

Hey there, I don't think I'm going to be of much help to you at the moment, but I just wanted to let you your post has been seen and to know we care, and hopefully you'll get some postings that will help.

 

I'm struggling at the moment with ending an A - have actually been crying the last half hour after spending several hours listening to him trying to make me believe he loves me, so I wouldn't want to advise you yet

 

So my advice to you is to keep logging in and see what others advise, those who have come through the other side, or been in similar situations to yours.

 

Read lots of other threads too and you'll pick up bits and pieces as well as from your own replies.

 

((HUGS))

[Nicsav4]

I was never married to my ex. I was 45 when we split. The relationship had been dead for years due to the abuse

 

The affair began about 5 months after the ex moved out. It just began as dating

[Nicsav4]

Thank you so much.

[veryhappy]

Sigh...he got you when you were vulnerable. Everyone here agrees that men who don't disclose they are married are the lowest of them all. It's very different to go into an A knowing it's an affair vs. being fooled into thinking it's a real R. When did you find out he was married? How long has he maintained the charade?

 

You've been involved with him for 7 years now. That's a really long time and it will be hard to continue either way you choose to go.

 

Do you have anything to think his wife knows andturns a blind eye other than his words?

[Nicsav4]

Actually it's been 5 1/2 years. Yup, he got me when I was vulnerable and built my self esteem back up. I saw lots of red flags from the beginning, but found out about a year in. It was me who continued it. Probably because I didn't want a "close by" man in my life after what my kids had gone through with their father. I couldn't imagine bringing a man into my home. This affair allowed me to be loved and have a deep connection with a man (albeit a false one that really felt real) that wouldn't endanger my kids. It actually helped my kids becaused he had raised thousands of kids in the Navy and always knew the right thing to do when I was falling apart as a parent. I know without a doubt, that his advice saved my kids. I am being real here. He may be a liar and a cheater to his wife, but he really helped me.

[Nicsav4]

I'm pretty sure his wife has turned a blind eye, as I have access to her FB... She is kinda clueless with the privacy settings, and I have been able to follow along with many many things that he has told me about the relationship.

[Pierre]

[e]I'm pretty sure his wife has turned a blind eye[/b], as I have access to her FB... She is kinda clueless with the privacy settings, and I have been able to follow along with many many things that he has told me about the relationship.

 

Trust me on this one. The wife has no clue. She is probably an innocent woman that trusts MOM 100%. He is probably a good liar at home. You are probably saying that she knows to rationalize your part in the affair. If she finds out she and the kids will be destroyed.

 

You have low self esteem and you are an easy target for a married man that knows how to tweak your need for validation, reaffirmation, etc. Sadly, you are not likely to find a single man that will have this much dedication to you. Single men have a ton of options and they are less attentive.

 

I say hang in there and try to be not too demanding. As of now your guy has the best of both worlds. A loyal wife and a loyal OW. This arrangement works for many men.

[CautionaryTale]

Yes, he definitely got you when you were the most vulnerable..

 

The question you have to ask yourself is Are you happy with being second fiddle?

 

Let's say he's telling you the truth and his wife knows and is just turning her head to it. You realize what that means, it means this is as far as it goes, as it will ever go. You ok with that?

 

You will not fall in love with someone else instantly period. It won't happen, it's going to take months to get really warm fuzzy feelings for a new person. You won't get them at all if you keep this man in your life. As long as you're still entwined with this guy, you're just that. Entwined and unavailable. You're thoughts and feelings will remain the same.

 

You're driving down the highway, you hit a patch of ice and swerve out of control, get into an accident and wind up at the hospital. You're really hurt, alone, and scared. He's at a dinner party with his wife and family so you can't call him. You have to go through this all alone without a hand to hold.

How does that feel? How fair is that? You give him what he needs, but what about you?? What do you get out of this? Because when the chips are down, where is he going to be? He's not going to out himself in front of his whole family.

 

If she does know, and is turning a blind eye and you're ok with all of what you're getting from this, then... Who is anyone else to say it's wrong? As long as you can honestly say you're happy with the way things are. If you're not, it's going to be a long hard road.

 

There are 7 BILLION people on earth. If this isn't what you want, take all that new found self esteem and continue with your dating. You deserve to have someone who wants to be with you. You can get it. Keep posting here and people will help and listen when you need some advice. People here are great and there are lots going through the same stuff.

 

You have to decide what your goal is, what you want. I wish you all the luck. You'll get wherever you want to be, once you know where that is.

 

hugs

[Nicsav4]

What if it is just as simple as two people falling in love? What if the circumstances are what are complicated? Could that ever be possible? Why does it always have to be so evil and sinister? Sometimes life just isn't fair, and there are people who you have to put before you. Like your kids and your circumstances

[SunshineToday]

Because,

 

a. if he was so in love with you he would have left his wife 5 years ago when this started.

 

b. if his marriage was as terrible as he is telling you, read a. again.

 

c. how can you believe a liar? he is a liar, right?

 

I feel sorry for your kids & his wife, I hope they are not invested in this MM.

Good Luck.

[Nicsav4]

Because,

 

a. if he was so in love with you he would have left his wife 5 years ago when this started.

 

b. if his marriage was as terrible as he is telling you, read a. again.

 

c. how can you believe a liar? he is a liar, right?

 

I feel sorry for your kids & his wife, I hope they are not invested in this MM.

Good

 

 

I suppose he could have left five years ago, but I didn't want any relationship with any physical closeness until my daughters were in college.is it so hard to understand that I wanted to raise my kids without a substitute daddy?

 

They had a hard enough life with their dad. When he died, I never wanted to subject them to seeing me with another guy in my house. They never did. I always traveled to meet my MM. They were and are very aware of him and have met him. Our plan was to wait until the girls were out of high school.

 

That wasv5 years ago. My youngest is a senior now. I now realize that I cannot leave to move down south with him. My daughters need health insurance, I am a tenured teacher and transferring certification is not easy, nor is finding a job or abandoning your ailing mother.

 

He cannot leave his job, we live 1200 miles apart. The housing market sucks and who in their right mind would want to take a loss?? I mean really people. His wife has no skills. No job. Will take half of everything and deservedly so.

 

We are taking it one day at a time. He makes me laugh. He causes me to think deeply about many things. We can talk about anything and everything for hours and hours. We travel all over the east coast and share a love for history and we want to travel the country visiting historical sites. He helps me write my lesson plans and myriads of other things that no one would ever know

 

All people see on here is cheat, lie, married. Sometimes there is a whole lot more to a person than that. I am not a stupid woman. I can see the depth in a persons soul.

 

Please don't patronize me and act condescending to me. That is not why I am here

[veryhappy]

What are you looking for here?

[whichwayisup]

I know he lied to me in the beginning. I know he is married but I also know that when you look outside your marriage for emotional support, it means you are not getting it in your marriage. She is aware of the affair and pretty much has turned a blind eye. She has no work skills outside of babysitting and from what I gather doesn't want to give up her financial comforts and the ability to be super grandma. Which is her number one priority. All fine and well.

Unless you have spoken to her - You have no idea if what he's told you about her and their marriage is true. Coming from a man who LIED and HID the fact he was married from the beginning..And you trust him? Your man picker is very off and this MM is playing you. I know you don't want to believe that, but he is.

 

Don't assume anything about his marriage and his wife. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

[whichwayisup]

What if it is just as simple as two people falling in love? What if the circumstances are what are complicated? Could that ever be possible? Why does it always have to be so evil and sinister? Sometimes life just isn't fair, and there are people who you have to put before you. Like your kids and your circumstances

 

Then he should divorce and come to you. It's evil that he LIED to you from the start and made you believe he was single and available. It's evil that he is STILL lying to you and to his wife.

 

Life isn't fair. I agree with that. But, just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to have them!

 

His wife and his kids, his whole family will be hurt by the A. I doubt very much she has ANY idea he is cheating on her..And, I highly doubt you're his first affair, considering his age.

[Pierre]

What if it is just as simple as two people falling in love? What if the circumstances are what are complicated? Could that ever be possible? Why does it always have to be so evil and sinister? Sometimes life just isn't fair, and there are people who you have to put before you. Like your kids and your circumstances

 

Make no mistake about this. The married OM is deeply in love with you. His love to you is quite obvious, but he loves you as his OW in the affair bubble. The true test to whether this love is of an even higher quality would be a d-day.

 

If you had a d-day and MOM leaves his marriage to be with you then you know for sure his love for you was strong enough to survive d-day.

 

I don't believe MOM is evil or sinister. In many ways he is a lot like you and yearns for the validation you provide. He comes in as a savior and he gets the validation he wants. MOM is your hero. OTOH, the wife already knows MOM may not be much of a hero and she does not validate him the way you do. That is why he loves you so much.

 

But, this is love in the affair bubble. Do not forget that. OTOH, your love is not in the bubble. You are not living in another compartment as he does. You only live in one universe whereas you MOM lives in two parallel universes.

[SunshineToday]

 

They never did. I always traveled to meet my MM. They were and are very aware of him and have met him. Our plan was to wait until the girls were out of high school.

 

So your girls know he is married to another woman?

Would you want your daughter to have a relationship like this?

As a former cheater, there is no way in heck I would want my daughter to have a relationship with a married man.

 

 

He cannot leave his job, we live 1200 miles apart. The housing market sucks and who in their right mind would want to take a loss?? I mean really people. His wife has no skills. No job. Will take half of everything and deservedly so.

 

 

How do you know? This sounds like (his) excuses to me. No what it sounds like to me is a CAKE EATER with an OW who will wait and live off the crumbs.

If you are okay with the crumbs, hey that's your choice. I will wish you well.

Most of us will still be here giving hardcore/real (not condescending) advice when his wife discovers the Affair (its bound to happen) and he tells you another 50 reasons why he can't leave his wife.

[Catplates]

He has had the best of both for 5 years... oh Darlin' he's very very comfortable isn't he? He won't be going anywhere.

 

If he were going to leave, he would have done it by now.

 

Cat

[ComingInHot]

..."but I didn't want any relationship with any physical closeness until my daughters were in college."

&

 

..."I never wanted to subject them to seeing me with another guy in my house"."

&

 

..."Our plan was to wait until the girls were out of high school"

 

&

 

..." I cannot leave..." & ..."He cannot leave his job."

 

& finally...

..."That is not why I am here"

 

 

nicsav4:

 

Wow. That's A-Lot!

 

After reading what you have lived through and survived, I get the sense that you are at a place with yourself where you are ready to think about You. You are ready to do what it takes to make You happy. It is time for You to experience love the way You want & need.

 

To be honest, I like to see people who are considered the "underdog" or who got a "bad rap" in life finally receive some joy and good times.

 

I am concerned that this joy is only for now or your time in this happy place is on a timer. Like, an explosive timer... counting down to what may be More pain in your and your girls' lives.

 

Just from what I put in quotes, it sounds like you have a sense of being pretty much the one in control of how this A goes, where it goes and how it ends up.

 

Be careful is all I think most of us are saying.

 

And because you have given so much of your heart to your girls and the people you love, I think you may be surprised at how bad you actually end up feeling for this stranger, this woman, his Wife, when this A comes to light. It's one thing to not think about her or to have whatever MM says about her make you feel justified in the A, but when you truly see her for who she is and what you have participated in, ending in the devastation of her, their family etc... well, I've read that realization has knocked down some of the toughest gals around here.