Ninjainpajamas Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Base on what my friend has told me, they agreed to not have sex and go on dates with other people. Oh gosh, that always works! it's a good thing you mentioned that....::updates profile pics, replies to messages:: I mean seriously, this is a red flag because he's still keeping his options open...this means they aren't likely on the same page, this is how poor communication works. I like how people try to obtain exclusivity...that like little inbetween phase where it's like "oh...well you don't sleep with someone else because we're sleeping together and I kind of want to know you're somewhat mine and invested in or respect this" but seriously, no guy is going to blink an eye at that if some hotty comes along, after all what rule is he breaking? some semi-exclusive/premature relationship clause? of course he's breaking her trust but if he's not even sure what he wants with her then...who cares? especially if the other girl is more desirable overall...and chances are she will never find out if he is dating others at the same time..he'll just say something like "I don't think this is working out" of course while sleeping with her and pretending to uphold this semi-commitment to her...but in reality she's got nothing, it's his actions and intent that's going to reveal the most...if she can't look at that and things she can wave this imaginary paper around that says "we're semi-exclusive" remember? isn't going to do you much good and the guy will kinda shrug at it, make some excuses as usual then peel away anyway or just leave and say she's too much drama or controlling. She either needs to put a fire under his @ss by playing the same game he is (if he's even checking her profile at all) or just realize that this guy is at least keeping the door open to another possibility, someone better. But I'm sure as time continues on and even in this situation, there are flags waving about that she is either skirting under the rug or just ignoring..that's kind of how the majority of women are in this phase when they really like someone, they just passively stand by to "see what happens" then they whine on LS or somewhere else and the guy walks with the nice side of her and the sex....good deal for him, bad deal for us 1
candie13 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Well, as I was saying, if he doesn't notice it, she'll tell it to him. And if he doesn't care, she has more than an elegant way of getting out of this relationship, with her head high. He doesn't appreciate her? Plenty of guys on the dating site apparently do. Like my boss used to say "you either shyte the pot, at some point or get off of it and move on".
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 If they are exclusive he shouldn't be talking to other girls and changing his pics I think she should confront him! Something happened to me and I wish I would have had that convo
Drseussgrrl Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 What's a conversation going to accomplish? They aren't bf/gf at this point. And it's not going to inspire him to commit to her. Probably the opposite. Ninjapajamas is right on with this one. She should start dating other people since he is obviously aiming to.
Author Miss1122 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 The thing is we don't know when he uploaded the picture, if it was after or before the they become exclusive.
Drseussgrrl Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 The thing is we don't know when he uploaded the picture, if it was after or before the they become exclusive. Sorry but I still stand by what I said. The very fact that the two of them still even HAVE online profiles says to me that they aren't that serious about each other. If you're on an online dating site, you're not exclusive, you're still looking and it ain't that serious. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 The thing is we don't know when he uploaded the picture, if it was after or before the they become exclusive. Yeah...but even then, let's not be stupid here...if there wasn't a concern or an instinct that something wasn't right here, she wouldn't be concerned about this little thing in the first place..she'd at least be foolish enough to turn her pretty little head and "give him the benefit of the doubt" but I'm sure he's doing other things that are creating this whole little insecurity/questioning phase where she's already feeling like maybe this isn't going anywhere or reasons to doubt him in some way shape or form, based on words or actions. We only get a small tidbit of information on LS...people either like to withhold BIG things, or give one piece of the pie which is why someone like me has to try and play detective and use that small inkling of information to create the bigger picture...thankfully human beings are pretty much predictable and react to situations in very similar ways therefore you can imagine a much bigger picture than is actually being revealed. 1
Star Gazer Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Oh gosh, that always works! it's a good thing you mentioned that....::updates profile pics, replies to messages:: I mean seriously, this is a red flag because he's still keeping his options open...this means they aren't likely on the same page, this is how poor communication works. I like how people try to obtain exclusivity...that like little inbetween phase where it's like "oh...well you don't sleep with someone else because we're sleeping together and I kind of want to know you're somewhat mine and invested in or respect this" but seriously, no guy is going to blink an eye at that if some hotty comes along, after all what rule is he breaking? some semi-exclusive/premature relationship clause? of course he's breaking her trust but if he's not even sure what he wants with her then...who cares? especially if the other girl is more desirable overall...and chances are she will never find out if he is dating others at the same time..he'll just say something like "I don't think this is working out" of course while sleeping with her and pretending to uphold this semi-commitment to her...but in reality she's got nothing, it's his actions and intent that's going to reveal the most...if she can't look at that and things she can wave this imaginary paper around that says "we're semi-exclusive" remember? isn't going to do you much good and the guy will kinda shrug at it, make some excuses as usual then peel away anyway or just leave and say she's too much drama or controlling. IYO, how specific does it have to be to not be semi-exclusive?
candie13 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 WTF is not be semi-exclusive? IMO, you can't play fair with a guy who's sneaking around. The guy is playing the field, irrelevant of when why and how. Your friend can either level up and play along or leave.No in between. Sure she can also stall... and she'll be the one played along. don't say I didn't tell you so.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 IYO, how specific does it have to be to not be semi-exclusive? IMO a man will push for exclusivity if he feels you are worthy of a relationship with him, if you're the kind of girl he is looking for. He won't leave things to chance. A man who is dating you and doesn't press or push for anything exclusive in any way then he's not just "taking it slow"...he just doesn't care enough or interested enough, that means he's willing to let other guys who are possibly interested you sweep you up...It's kind of like Beyonce's song "If you like then you better put a ring on it...if you like it then you better put a ring on it...oh uh oh, oh oh oh" oops sorry, got carried away! But the premise of that is, if you like it, then you've got to make the effort and show the commitment and at this stage of the game it should be leaning/heading towards a relationship. But women don't get that...think they time is a factor for indecision, and his decision making is in some kind of "process"...like really what the hell is it that women think men are thinking? "let's see...carry the one, minus the two...yeah, yep yep oh she's the one...woohooo!"...If a guy is into it, it hits him like a truck just like with women. He can't stop thinking about you, he's all wrapped up in it, over-analyzing, nervous, wants to do things right, make a good impression...essentially be more than any stupid little commitment clause that a woman will throw at you to try and force some kind of potential commitment. It just doesn't work that way. Men break rules all the time, it just doesn't make any sense. Sure communicate for communication sake, but he's not into it he's not into it....it's best to get over it and move on because the difference between a guy who is and a guy who is not is like night and day...and yet women are impatient and decide they want "that man" so they "see where it goes" and "give him the benefit of the doubt"....it's just such a ridiculous and time wasting process for those who are looking for a relationship, and then they either walk away feeling used or like nobody is out there for them, or even more ridiculous just happy they met this person...trust me, you don't know what that guy felt and was thinking...but I guarantee you no matter what he told you he was absolutely lying to you and not revealing his true intentions and feelings completely...If baby jesus came down from heaven right before my eyes and told me to swear on that I'd slam my pathetic human fist into the ground like a wannabe Thor without hesitation and say "f@ck yeah I know that ***** is true! them mother fers knew better!". You want real exclusivity? let the man push for it...and you wind your little watch and If he doesn't offer it by the time the big clock strikes 12 (you determine that time, with what you are comfortable with but no longer than 3 months IMO...hell I'd say even two max even is reasonable)...you take your Cinderella @ss out of the ball and start over with someone else...that's what you would do if you really wanted exclusivity because any man who really wants it and is into you will not have to be twisted or seduced into it....it's like women and their feelings, they do it all by themselves, it's in their own heads...you can't push little buttons on a man to make him do something he doesn't want to (well yes to an extent because women know what men like) but it won't ever last...he'll always be looking out the window at the other ladies walking by...at some point he's going to screw around and the joke will be on you..there's no way to change a mans desire and motivation for an exclusive relationship with you...and more are looking than you think, they just don't know where to settle since the majority of women are looking for...what seems like anyone to be in a relationship with from a mans perspective. Why would men be enticed by your desire to have a relationship? 4
candie13 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I don't totally agree to your post. Men don't want things easy. Women don't want things easy. But give them something they like and then take it away from them... bum, interest, there you go! Ideally, he'd be committed 100% and all there. But we are humans. Men are hunters, women like to be chased... we can only do the best we can with what we have. I'm not saying "play screwed up mental games" but it's not all lost. I say fight a little bit for this relationship before letting go. yeah, he's a dog. But he's your dog. What if he had made a profile on another site? At least you know how to handle this one. relationships are never easy, never a walk in the park...
Author Miss1122 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 WTF is not be semi-exclusive? IMO, you can't play fair with a guy who's sneaking around. The guy is playing the field, irrelevant of when why and how. Your friend can either level up and play along or leave.No in between. Sure she can also stall... and she'll be the one played along. don't say I didn't tell you so. This is what she told me. She told this guy before that she doesn't multidate. She said that she would talk to him and ask him if he still wants to stay exclusive.Shes deciding what to tell him next. She's deciding between the two, 1) If he says yes, she would tell him she would like to delete her account because she's getting tons of messages and have no intention of meeting those people. She would ask him if he's ok if he delete his account as well. If he says he doesn't want to, she would tell him she can't date him anymore because she doesn't like to multi-date and she's hoping the guy she's seeing don't multidate as well. 2) if he says yes, she would tell him exactly what happened and how she found out he had uploaded a new pic. Then ask him if he's still looking around. If he says no, then suggest to delete their accounts because she doesn't like to multi date and she likes the guy she's seeing doesn't multi-date as well. If he doesn't agree, she will dump him. If he doesn't agree to stay exclusive , she will dump him because she doesn't like him seeing other girls while seeing her. My friend said that she feels that she has the upper hand by the way this guy has been treating her. Her gut feeling is telling her that he may agree to delete his account. Either way, if she ends up loosing him, she has other options. My friend is an attractive lady.
Drseussgrrl Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 This is what she told me. She told this guy before that she doesn't multidate. She said that she would talk to him and ask him if he still wants to stay exclusive.Shes deciding what to tell him next. She's deciding between the two, 1) If he says yes, she would tell him she would like to delete her account because she's getting tons of messages and have no intention of meeting those people. She would ask him if he's ok if he delete his account as well. If he says he doesn't want to, she would tell him she can't date him anymore because she doesn't like to multi-date and she's hoping the guy she's seeing don't multidate as well. 2) if he says yes, she would tell him exactly what happened and how she found out he had uploaded a new pic. Then ask him if he's still looking around. If he says no, then suggest to delete their accounts because she doesn't like to multi date and she likes the guy she's seeing doesn't multi-date as well. If he doesn't agree, she will dump him. If he doesn't agree to stay exclusive , she will dump him because she doesn't like him seeing other girls while seeing her. My friend said that she feels that she has the upper hand by the way this guy has been treating her. Her gut feeling is telling her that he may agree to delete his account. Either way, if she ends up loosing him, she has other options. My friend is an attractive lady. You know, this is an anonymous board. You don't have to pretend to post "for a friend."
Fondue Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I read this entire thread, and I'm very much confused. Keep in mind, I do not do OLD. But with that said, communication is very much lacking between them both, is I suppose is adding to much of the stress. There are questions that arose from reading that I would like a female opinion on. One poster mentioned that if they are in some sort of exclusive relationship, then they shouldn't even have profiles. How does one make this judgement without communication? You girls are ready to put his skull on your pike without really considering a few things. We do not know when he updated a the picture (or his profile), we also are well aware that SHE didn't turn off her profile either. He may be thinking the same thing as her, "well, she's still looking, so I should, too." This is perfectly reasonable, is it not? He may also be keeping his profile open to appear less clingy, less available, and "busy." As we all know, clingy behavior and consistent availability are quite unattractive. He hasn't deactivated that profile or had that conversation with her for those reasons, perhaps? Some other poster mentioned that exact thing, that the girl should NOT talk to him about deactivating these profiles because she will come off as desperate. Is it not the same issue on his end? Anyway, in the end, I think these two people are communicating in signals. And as many signals go, they are often misinterpreted. They have to have a face to face conversation, using spoken word, and no bull****. I'm sure it is easily solved .
candie13 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 This is what she told me. She told this guy before that she doesn't multidate. She said that she would talk to him and ask him if he still wants to stay exclusive.Shes deciding what to tell him next. She's deciding between the two, 1) If he says yes, she would tell him she would like to delete her account because she's getting tons of messages and have no intention of meeting those people. She would ask him if he's ok if he delete his account as well. If he says he doesn't want to, she would tell him she can't date him anymore because she doesn't like to multi-date and she's hoping the guy she's seeing don't multidate as well. 2) if he says yes, she would tell him exactly what happened and how she found out he had uploaded a new pic. Then ask him if he's still looking around. If he says no, then suggest to delete their accounts because she doesn't like to multi date and she likes the guy she's seeing doesn't multi-date as well. If he doesn't agree, she will dump him. If he doesn't agree to stay exclusive , she will dump him because she doesn't like him seeing other girls while seeing her. My friend said that she feels that she has the upper hand by the way this guy has been treating her. Her gut feeling is telling her that he may agree to delete his account. Either way, if she ends up loosing him, she has other options. My friend is an attractive lady. Putting him with the back against the wall, all men appreciate that, for sure. Your choice, girl! remember this, if it looks like a duck and it walks like a duck, it prob is a duck. Your bf is a player. A very well behaved and affectionate player. A player still. I know, I've met one just like yours... not quite, a lot worse, really best of luck, whatever you decide.
Author Miss1122 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 You know, this is an anonymous board. You don't have to pretend to post "for a friend." I know. Im really posting for a friend. She doesn't want to create an account since I already have one. Im just trying to help her out.
Author Miss1122 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Putting him with the back against the wall, all men appreciate that, for sure. Your choice, girl! remember this, if it looks like a duck and it walks like a duck, it prob is a duck. Your bf is a player. A very well behaved and affectionate player. A player still. I know, I've met one just like yours... not quite, a lot worse, really best of luck, whatever you decide. He's not my bf. So your saying if he uploaded the picture before they became exclusive, he's still a player?
ascendotum Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 They have been seeing each other for a month. She has not logged on for a while...maybe 3-4 weeks. The assumption is that maybe he just added it, but maybe he added it 3-4 weeks ago, only just after say having their first date. At that stage he had no concrete idea that a relationship was going to blossom with her. So many 1st or even 2nd dates lead no where as the girl drops the guy in preference for other prospects she is also seeing. If he added it back then it is entirely legit in my book, as he was not assuming he was off the market back then. If he added it a week ago then that's a little different.
Drseussgrrl Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 He's not my bf. So your saying if he uploaded the picture before they became exclusive, he's still a player? The point is if he's really into her, and they're having sex, he wouldn't be risking her being swept up by another dude at this point. It's SO SIMPLE.
ltjg45 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 He's not my bf. So your saying if he uploaded the picture before they became exclusive, he's still a player? If he's not your BF, then you two is nothing more than sex buddies or friends with benefits. In which case, what he is doing is perfectly fine.
candie13 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 He's not my bf. So your saying if he uploaded the picture before they became exclusive, he's still a player? maybe not... but a guy with some really strong hunting instincts. that's what I'm saying, maybe it's a misunderstanding. But you do not know. Let's look at it the other way around: you are right and he uploaded the pic before. Ideally he's not checking his account. Or yours. You upload your little hot pics there. He isn't checking - fine, what he doesn't know can't hurt him. But if he does, he will def check yours too... a little fire down his pants. You wait 2 weeks, you talk to him. He wasn't aware of your little scheme? Perfect! He is aware? Even better, he's got the pressure on ! in 2 weeks, you "confess". There you go, everyone happy! in a way, if he isn't a player, he'll never know and this won't hurt him. But if he is, you're giving him a lesson... you win either way!
candie13 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I read this entire thread, and I'm very much confused. Keep in mind, I do not do OLD. But with that said, communication is very much lacking between them both, is I suppose is adding to much of the stress. There are questions that arose from reading that I would like a female opinion on. One poster mentioned that if they are in some sort of exclusive relationship, then they shouldn't even have profiles. How does one make this judgement without communication? You girls are ready to put his skull on your pike without really considering a few things. We do not know when he updated a the picture (or his profile), we also are well aware that SHE didn't turn off her profile either. He may be thinking the same thing as her, "well, she's still looking, so I should, too." This is perfectly reasonable, is it not? He may also be keeping his profile open to appear less clingy, less available, and "busy." As we all know, clingy behavior and consistent availability are quite unattractive. He hasn't deactivated that profile or had that conversation with her for those reasons, perhaps? Some other poster mentioned that exact thing, that the girl should NOT talk to him about deactivating these profiles because she will come off as desperate. Is it not the same issue on his end? Anyway, in the end, I think these two people are communicating in signals. And as many signals go, they are often misinterpreted. They have to have a face to face conversation, using spoken word, and no bull****. I'm sure it is easily solved . I disagree . They both have the dating site profile active. That is because they are not bf / gf, yet, only exclusive. However, he changes his picture. That is NOT him looking less clingy, that is him making active steps to appear more attractive. To other women. That is the issue. Her asking "why" will make her look weak. Her doing the same is playing the same game. Where do you want to be: option 1: baby, why did you change your profile pic ? I want you to deactivate your account and I will deactivate mine. option 2: baby, I changed my profile pic and had sooo many messages from other guys. I feel guilty. Let's both deactivate our account, shall we? Option 1: he says NO, she looks like a loser and her ego takes a huge blow Option 2: he says NO, she says: ok, do you want to see other people? 'cause some of those guys were smoking hot Maybe I am seeing the devil everywhere, I don't know. I always say: "think of yourself first and foremost." best of luck, whatever you decide.
Ladybugz Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 does your freind not have her own hands to open a account here and ask us herself?
Author Miss1122 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 does your freind not have her own hands to open a account here and ask us herself? She asked me for an advice and I didn't really know what to tell her so I came here.
MissApple Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I disagree . They both have the dating site profile active. That is because they are not bf / gf, yet, only exclusive. However, he changes his picture. That is NOT him looking less clingy, that is him making active steps to appear more attractive. To other women. That is the issue. Her asking "why" will make her look weak. Her doing the same is playing the same game. Where do you want to be: option 1: baby, why did you change your profile pic ? I want you to deactivate your account and I will deactivate mine. option 2: baby, I changed my profile pic and had sooo many messages from other guys. I feel guilty. Let's both deactivate our account, shall we? Option 1: he says NO, she looks like a loser and her ego takes a huge blow Option 2: he says NO, she says: ok, do you want to see other people? 'cause some of those guys were smoking hot Maybe I am seeing the devil everywhere, I don't know. I always say: "think of yourself first and foremost." best of luck, whatever you decide. I just wanted to clarify. He didn't change his profile picture. He just added a picture of himself. He's profile pic is still the same, a picture that doesn't show his whole face. I would say not a good profile picture. Actually, he's profile pic and all his other pics are not really showing his face clearly. But the one he added is a clear shot. Also, he's profile is still hidden. It's been like that. While mine is open, which has been that way. So I don't think girls would email him because he has a hidden profile. He has to initiate contact to meet someone. Oh btw, I'm the girl involved. Thank you for all the help!
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