What is my gut trying to tell me?

[loredo21]

He never got angry? That doesn't sound healthy. Kind of like he's suppressing his feelings.

 

Maybe that's what's causing your bad vibe?

 

He got angry when I told him. More angry than I've ever seen him. But he's not angry anymore. He's actually wasn't angry for that long at all. He is religious and just a happy guy.

The only time we have EVER fought about the A was the week of DDay. after that, if it was ever brought up or triggered, we would have a completely natural open conversation about it.

[Pierre]

When ever I have felt sick about,/around a long term bf, I leave.

 

Leaving a BF is a 1000 times easier than ending a marriage.

 

I suspect Loredo is in the confused post affair state. She has to mourn the end of the affair and at the same time rekindle with her H. That cannot be done simultaneously.

 

She knows MOM is flawed, but she needs to get over the affair.

 

As of now she cannot connect with her H. No different than an OW that tries to date single men after ending the affair. It is not going to work. She needs to get over the MOM and then give a try.

[promises]

Leaving a BF is a 1000 times easier than ending a marriage.

 

I suspect Loredo is in the confused post affair state. She has to mourn the end of the affair and at the same time rekindle with her H. That cannot be done simultaneously.

 

She knows MOM is flawed, but she needs to get over the affair.

 

As of now she cannot connect with her H. No different than an OW that tries to date single men after ending the affair. It is not going to work. She needs to get over the MOM and then give a try.

 

 

True. And this is why I probably will never marry.

[loredo21]

ok. I will try to give some of my thoughts here.

Pierre I think you bring up some good points. H is very passive and almost stoic sometimes. But he IS truly happy all on his own. But I also make him happy. (I don't know why) But for some reason he has decided to give me another chance. H did get angry and even went to see OM on Dday, and when H got angry on Dday I WAS NOT more attracted to him in the least bit, the exact opposite actually. I was disgusted with his behavior. He did fight for me at first and I didn't like it at all.

A was very short. It was only 2 months. Only knew the guy for 4 months. YES it highly affected me when he threw me under the bus on DD. But I have come to terms with the fact that he was a liar, and that I was affected more by the rejection from him than anything. I have NO interest in xMOM whatsoever. Though I feel the longing and missing sometimes, it is for the carefree, fun, and exciting feelings I got when I was with him. Not for him as a person.

I don't think H wants to know details as even without a therapist we talk openly about the A and it has never once turned out bad. Anything he asks me, of course I answer truthfully, but he really hasn't asked all that much. I don't know why this works for us, but it does. We've always had that type of communication. I can talk to him about anything. And I will tell him that my gut is giving me these issues right now. I just don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. He DOES deserve better than me. I think I have always felt this way even before A, but a lot of that is my own insecurities and issues coming out.

I can't tell if my gut is giving me the thought that this isn't right or if i'm just feeling uneasy and uncomfortable because it is supposed to be uneasy and uncomfortable. I never thought we would R, but here we are. And now I am scared that things will only end badly. It honestly feels like I am having an allergic reaction to this R. weird I know. But everything has been just fine under the same roof in this separation when there was no pressure. Now I feel all the pressure again instantly!

[amaysngrace]

I really think you should stick with the IC because it sounds like you may be having anxiety. Is it the commitment that's freaking you or what?

 

And loredo I owe you an apology from before. I was very rude on one of your threads and I'm sorry about that.

[loredo21]

I really think you should stick with the IC because it sounds like you may be having anxiety. Is it the commitment that's freaking you or what?

 

And loredo I owe you an apology from before. I was very rude on one of your threads and I'm sorry about that.

 

No worries we all have our thoughts and opinions....

I want to thank everyone for helping my confused ass. I know not everything is what I want to hear, but that's okay because I'm not even sure what I want to hear

[promises]

If you like reading, I might suggest a book called, "Daring Greatly". It's about having the courage to be vulnerable and transforming that into your life and relationships.

 

It's calming me down a bit. You might like it.

[Lillyfree]

ok. I will try to give some of my thoughts here.

Pierre I think you bring up some good points. H is very passive and almost stoic sometimes. But he IS truly happy all on his own. But I also make him happy. (I don't know why) But for some reason he has decided to give me another chance. H did get angry and even went to see OM on Dday, and when H got angry on Dday I WAS NOT more attracted to him in the least bit, the exact opposite actually. I was disgusted with his behavior. He did fight for me at first and I didn't like it at all.

A was very short. It was only 2 months. Only knew the guy for 4 months. YES it highly affected me when he threw me under the bus on DD. But I have come to terms with the fact that he was a liar, and that I was affected more by the rejection from him than anything. I have NO interest in xMOM whatsoever. Though I feel the longing and missing sometimes, it is for the carefree, fun, and exciting feelings I got when I was with him. Not for him as a person.

I don't think H wants to know details as even without a therapist we talk openly about the A and it has never once turned out bad. Anything he asks me, of course I answer truthfully, but he really hasn't asked all that much. I don't know why this works for us, but it does. We've always had that type of communication. I can talk to him about anything. And I will tell him that my gut is giving me these issues right now. I just don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. He DOES deserve better than me. I think I have always felt this way even before A, but a lot of that is my own insecurities and issues coming out.

I can't tell if my gut is giving me the thought that this isn't right or if i'm just feeling uneasy and uncomfortable because it is supposed to be uneasy and uncomfortable. I never thought we would R, but here we are. And now I am scared that things will only end badly. It honestly feels like I am having an allergic reaction to this R. weird I know. But everything has been just fine under the same roof in this separation when there was no pressure. Now I feel all the pressure again instantly!

 

 

my situation seems so very similar to yours... i could have written most of the above post.

 

the only thing is i'm still in limbo, and finding excuses not to tackle my marriage issues head on almost 3 months after the A. sigh

[loredo21]

my situation seems so very similar to yours... i could have written most of the above post.

 

the only thing is i'm still in limbo, and finding excuses not to tackle my marriage issues head on almost 3 months after the A. sigh

 

I feel for you! I think it has more to do with us getting over the affair. (not necessarily the OM, but getting over the fantasy world of the affair. And realizing that reality takes a lot of hard work and effort. Not sure I am ready for that.

Good luck with it all. I hope it all starts to make sense in time. 3 months is still pretty early. I'm at 6 and was wayyyyy worse at 3 months.

[Lillyfree]

I feel for you! I think it has more to do with us getting over the affair. (not necessarily the OM, but getting over the fantasy world of the affair. And realizing that reality takes a lot of hard work and effort. Not sure I am ready for that.

Good luck with it all. I hope it all starts to make sense in time. 3 months is still pretty early. I'm at 6 and was wayyyyy worse at 3 months.

 

thank you

 

and same to you - maybe your response applies to you also, the anxiety you feel is all to do with real life.

 

i'm over the OM, but not over the fantasy. you are very right there.

[amaysngrace]

He made the choice to forgive and stay married based on half truths and lies. Would you like to make your choices based on the lies someone else tells you? He has a right to know the truth.

 

He knows the truth that she liked the guy enough to cheat with him. Why elaborate on that? Why can't that just be enough?

 

Dday happened a while ago if I'm not mistaken and he knows about the affair, he knows she cares for the guy (or did) so tell me what purpose does it serve at this stage of the game to rehash how deep her feelings went?

 

Why do that? So they can go back to square one? And he can feel bad again?

 

It seems like you want them to go backwards now instead of forward. Why?

[amaysngrace]

Becoming radically honest in a relationship is not going backwards. Even if it leads to seperation it's still moving forward. Rugsweeping is a great way to keep a marriage stuck and going nowhere.

 

I don't think loredo ever said he meant nothing to her.

 

You know for a fact that she said that? Because I don't recall ever reading that.

 

And yes...going on and on about her feelings for MOM now would be going backwards because they've already dealt with the affair and the feelings that led up to it. And if I recall correctly, I believe loredo thinks the MOM is a piece of crap.

 

Her feelings changed. Why dwell on the feelings from before that no longer apply? That sounds like it is counterproductive. And going backwards.

 

If you were cheated on would you want to know how much your spouse cared for the other person even if they no longer feel that way now?

 

You'd want to talk about that? And you'd want them to volunteer that information freely after you already know they obviously cared enough about the person to become involved with them?

 

I don't think I would. I think I'd have enough in my information bank to make my decision. And her husband did too.

[Realist3]

I keep coming back to your post where you weren't sure if you wanted to reconcile, how you sounded so... sure that this is not the life you wanted.

 

I think that often people push down their true feelings in order to conform to what the expected society "norms" are and it was only a few weeks ago that you were talking about how you felt trapped and that you weren't ok with your husband for over 3 years before the affair.

 

I'm not telling you to stay or go, I'm telling you to listen to yourself and determine if this is something you are 100% committed to, because otherwise I suspect it will happen again in the future and that any reconciliation will either not be effective, or will in fact be a false reconcilliation.

 

The part that I worry about for you the most is that you had said you and your husband are still very good friends, that you are not at odds and fighting and feel that you could effectively co-parent. I'm afraid that if you AREN'T totally committed, that lack of animosity could change, espeically if he feels you didn't commit or if you are inclined to cross boundaries again.

 

Just something to think about. Please know your own mind. I know you said the two of you are going to counseling together, are you going to go individually as well?

 

What struck me was that a few weeks ago you were pretty sure about moving out. You and your H had pretty much agreed on the arrangements of the D, and you sounded very comfortable and confident about your new life. Now you have reversed from that position. Such an abrupt change could be causing anxiety. Are you sold on reconciling 100%?

[loredo21]

What struck me was that a few weeks ago you were pretty sure about moving out. You and your H had pretty much agreed on the arrangements of the D, and you sounded very comfortable and confident about your new life. Now you have reversed from that position. Such an abrupt change could be causing anxiety. Are you sold on reconciling 100%?

 

100%? I would have to say honestly, no. I think I was having a weak week and the timing of everything threw me in to this R. I KNOW we can have a wonderful relationship. If we both work on ourselves and want to work on it 100%. But I am not sure I am there yet. I need to tell him how I am feeling.

If and when we find the right therapist, I am sure they will know what to tell us we NEED to talk about and what we SHOULD NOT talk about.

I thin we need therapy moving forward whether we R or not. We have such a cool relationship, I don't want to lose that.

[Realist3]

I just know for me, such a 180 would cause me pause internally. The thing is, no decision you make right now is final. You may take this path for a bit and decide you need to chose another one in the future.

[Got it]

I don't think loredo ever said he meant nothing to her.

 

You know for a fact that she said that? Because I don't recall ever reading that.

 

And yes...going on and on about her feelings for MOM now would be going backwards because they've already dealt with the affair and the feelings that led up to it. And if I recall correctly, I believe loredo thinks the MOM is a piece of crap.

 

Her feelings changed. Why dwell on the feelings from before that no longer apply? That sounds like it is counterproductive. And going backwards.

 

If you were cheated on would you want to know how much your spouse cared for the other person even if they no longer feel that way now?

 

You'd want to talk about that? And you'd want them to volunteer that information freely after you already know they obviously cared enough about the person to become involved with them?

 

I don't think I would. I think I'd have enough in my information bank to make my decision. And her husband did too.

 

Isn't this a bit of rugsweeping?

 

And I am fine with someone making the decision but shouldn't he be able to make the decision for himself? Asking him if he wants more information or that there is more to discuss if he'd like to. I believe that most BS are quite upset with the fact that decisions were made for them, or perceived to be made for them, without their knowledge or consent, during the affair. Isn't this perpetrating the same line of thinking?

[amaysngrace]

Isn't this a bit of rugsweeping?

 

And I am fine with someone making the decision but shouldn't he be able to make the decision for himself? Asking him if he wants more information or that there is more to discuss if he'd like to. I believe that most BS are quite upset with the fact that decisions were made for them, or perceived to be made for them, without their knowledge or consent, during the affair. Isn't this perpetrating the same line of thinking?

 

I honestly think it depends on the person and what details they find to be useful.

 

You may be right. Maybe being completely honest and open about all the feelings is the best way to go to have complete communication. I was just thinking that at this point I don't see how it would make much difference because he already chose to forgive her.

 

I think the additional information will just rehash things and make him question his worth to loredo even more. That's why I think it would do more harm than good.

[Got it]

I honestly think it depends on the person and what details they find to be useful.

 

You may be right. Maybe being completely honest and open about all the feelings is the best way to go to have complete communication. I was just thinking that at this point I don't see how it would make much difference because he already chose to forgive her.

 

I think the additional information will just rehash things and make him question his worth to loredo even more. That's why I think it would do more harm than good.

 

I don't disagree but how do you know (the bolded piece) unless you let him know that he has that option. Right now he thinks in that subject they are at the end of the road, there isn't more. Shouldn't he know that the road actual continues if he so choices to go down it?

 

Many therapist will caution to someone that they have the right to the information but be careful what you ask for, you can't unlearn something. But you know, then, it is your choice to know it or not.

[amaysngrace]

I don't disagree but how do you know (the bolded piece) unless you let him know that he has that option. Right now he thinks in that subject they are at the end of the road, there isn't more. Shouldn't he know that the road actual continues if he so choices to go down it?

 

Many therapist will caution to someone that they have the right to the information but be careful what you ask for, you can't unlearn something. But you know, then, it is your choice to know it or not.

 

I think it is the end of the road though for MOM. loredo called him a liar and I don't think she'd go back to him if he asked. But maybe she would?

 

Maybe I'm under the wrong impression? If she'd go back to him if he asked then yes, you're right and forget everything I said.

[ComingInHot]

Loredo;

Question;

If you weren't going to be w/your husband, married. Who would you be with?

[Got it]

I think it is the end of the road though for MOM. loredo called him a liar and I don't think she'd go back to him if he asked. But maybe she would?

 

Maybe I'm under the wrong impression? If she'd go back to him if he asked then yes, you're right and forget everything I said.

 

I still don't understand your thought process. So if someone finds out their spouse had an affair 20 years ago, since it is obvious that they didn't/weren't going back they should know, or have the ability to know, the nitty gritty details if they so choose?

 

That their spouse could say, well since I am never going back to them, you don't need to know more?

 

I am sorry, that just seems pretty cold and uncaring. For dMM, that is basically what he was told when he found out about his wife's affair. It was a few years later, so he was told that it was done and over, the guy had moved on to others so she was never going back to him and basically suck it up and move on.

 

Ask me how well that helped his healing?

[Decorative]

He knows the truth that she liked the guy enough to cheat with him. Why elaborate on that? Why can't that just be enough?

 

Dday happened a while ago if I'm not mistaken and he knows about the affair, he knows she cares for the guy (or did) so tell me what purpose does it serve at this stage of the game to rehash how deep her feelings went?

 

Why do that? So they can go back to square one? And he can feel bad again?

 

It seems like you want them to go backwards now instead of forward. Why?

 

Because you cannot rebuild on a lie. It's a bandaid over a bullet wound. It won't repair because the lie is still there.

[amaysngrace]

No. The lie is out. It's been exposed and unless loredos husband is obtuse he'd recognize that she once cared for MOM enough to become involved with him.

 

She no longer has those same feelings for MOM unless I'm mistaken but only loredo can help me out on that one.

 

I'm not talking about hypothetical marriages of 22 years and blah blah blah.

 

I'm commenting on this situation and this one only.

 

ETA I didn't mean to thumbs down this but I cannot remove it.

[Decorative]

No. The lie is out. It's been exposed and unless loredos husband is obtuse he'd recognize that she once cared for MOM enough to become involved with him.

 

She no longer has those same feelings for MOM unless I'm mistaken but only loredo can help me out on that one.

 

I'm not talking about hypothetical marriages of 22 years and blah blah blah.

 

I'm commenting on this situation and this one only.

 

ETA I didn't mean to thumbs down this but I cannot remove it.

 

What she is doing is called trickle truth.

 

It kills reconciliation.

 

I am not convinced reconciliation is what Loredo truly wants. And I like her. I want her to be happy. I respect her openness on this forum.

 

But withholding information after an affair am not telling the scope of it all- it undercuts true reconciliation. And true reconciliation can be amazing. But it's a narrow path to get there. So that BOTH marital partners will be happy.

[Got it]

No. The lie is out. It's been exposed and unless loredos husband is obtuse he'd recognize that she once cared for MOM enough to become involved with him.

 

She no longer has those same feelings for MOM unless I'm mistaken but only loredo can help me out on that one.

 

I'm not talking about hypothetical marriages of 22 years and blah blah blah.

 

I'm commenting on this situation and this one only.

 

ETA I didn't mean to thumbs down this but I cannot remove it.

 

But what if he is obtuse? You are assuming tacit agreement on this that he may not agree to.

 

Listen I am not saying spill the bean. I am just saying that one (Loredo) should do her due diligence to make him aware that they are a few more beans in case he wants to keep tipping. He can't get mad at her later for saying, well you didn't tell me. He has the ability to make that choice. I think it lends to the whole transparency piece.