loredo21 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I'm back guys. already. haha. I'm posting in infidelity but I guess I am not as comfrtable there.... Ever since H and I decided to R, I have had a pit in my stomach. I am anxious all the time, and having major flare-ups (I have chronic pain from nerve disorder and bone disorder)...It's only been a few days! What is going on with me? What is wrong?
2sunny Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Have you been completely honest with your H? My gut kicks me when something isn't right.
BrokenPrincess Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 What do you think it's trying to tell you?
Pierre Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I'm back guys. already. haha. I'm posting in infidelity but I guess I am not as comfrtable there.... Ever since H and I decided to R, I have had a pit in my stomach. I am anxious all the time, and having major flare-ups (I have chronic pain from nerve disorder and bone disorder)...It's only been a few days! What is going on with me? What is wrong? You minimized the affair gory details to your H. Maybe you have some remorse.
jwi71 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I'm back guys. already. haha. I'm posting in infidelity but I guess I am not as comfrtable there.... Uncomfortable is GOOD. How else can one expect to grow or learn if one doesn't face what one has not? Of course its uncomfortable. Its supposed to be. That is a GOOD sign. Ever since H and I decided to R, I have had a pit in my stomach. I am anxious all the time, and having major flare-ups (I have chronic pain from nerve disorder and bone disorder)...It's only been a few days! What is going on with me? What is wrong? I would guess loss of the A (grief) and that "uncomfortable" of having to look not only within yourself but the M as well. Perhaps, somewhere in your heart, realizing you may lose both AP and H. And there is nothing wrong with that - provided you continue to learn and grow... 1
Author loredo21 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 You minimized the affair gory details to your H. Maybe you have some remorse. That could be true Pierre. I told him it was just a fling. I wanted to believe that. And still trying to make sense of it all. But I feel like my rush of feelings for the OM was more about the rejection rather than me actually liking him. How do i explain that to H? That I "think" I may have felt more for OM than I thought I did or that it all may be a psychological thing? It doesn't make sense to me, how could it possibly make sense to him? My mind is playing major tricks on me right now. Getting our butts back into counseling may help.
Author loredo21 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Uncomfortable is GOOD. How else can one expect to grow or learn if one doesn't face what one has not? Of course its uncomfortable. Its supposed to be. That is a GOOD sign. I would guess loss of the A (grief) and that "uncomfortable" of having to look not only within yourself but the M as well. Perhaps, somewhere in your heart, realizing you may lose both AP and H. And there is nothing wrong with that - provided you continue to learn and grow... That's good to know. It is all very overwhelming!
waterwoman Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 H tells me he has spent the last 7 months terrified that he would lose me. Despite the fact that we both wanted to reconcile. He knew how much damage he had done, and knew I could (and frequently do) blow up at him at intervals. It's not a good place to be. I can't see a way of being in your position without having a horrible feeling in your gut. But if you haven't told the entire truth perhaps that is also contributing - fear that there is more to learn and that he may learn it at any time? 2
underwater2010 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 That could be true Pierre. I told him it was just a fling. I wanted to believe that. And still trying to make sense of it all. But I feel like my rush of feelings for the OM was more about the rejection rather than me actually liking him. How do i explain that to H? That I "think" I may have felt more for OM than I thought I did or that it all may be a psychological thing? It doesn't make sense to me, how could it possibly make sense to him? My mind is playing major tricks on me right now. Getting our butts back into counseling may help. As a BS...your husband might find comfort knowing it was a mind game rather than your reality. I know that it helps to know that the affair is more about fantasy than real life. Continue with IC and MC, but only if you want to stay married. 1
Pierre Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 That's good to know. It is all very overwhelming! Loredo: Many people in affairs do stupid things. Once out of the affair it is hard to face the bizarre actions. I would think it could cause anxiety. 3
amaysngrace Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 If anything I think it should help to know what a jackass the MM is and everything he ever said was a lie. It may make you appreciate your husband even more for not being like that and for genuinely caring. 1
LFH Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I keep coming back to your post where you weren't sure if you wanted to reconcile, how you sounded so... sure that this is not the life you wanted. I think that often people push down their true feelings in order to conform to what the expected society "norms" are and it was only a few weeks ago that you were talking about how you felt trapped and that you weren't ok with your husband for over 3 years before the affair. I'm not telling you to stay or go, I'm telling you to listen to yourself and determine if this is something you are 100% committed to, because otherwise I suspect it will happen again in the future and that any reconciliation will either not be effective, or will in fact be a false reconcilliation. The part that I worry about for you the most is that you had said you and your husband are still very good friends, that you are not at odds and fighting and feel that you could effectively co-parent. I'm afraid that if you AREN'T totally committed, that lack of animosity could change, espeically if he feels you didn't commit or if you are inclined to cross boundaries again. Just something to think about. Please know your own mind. I know you said the two of you are going to counseling together, are you going to go individually as well? 2
Author loredo21 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 I keep coming back to your post where you weren't sure if you wanted to reconcile, how you sounded so... sure that this is not the life you wanted. I think that often people push down their true feelings in order to conform to what the expected society "norms" are and it was only a few weeks ago that you were talking about how you felt trapped and that you weren't ok with your husband for over 3 years before the affair. I'm not telling you to stay or go, I'm telling you to listen to yourself and determine if this is something you are 100% committed to, because otherwise I suspect it will happen again in the future and that any reconciliation will either not be effective, or will in fact be a false reconcilliation. The part that I worry about for you the most is that you had said you and your husband are still very good friends, that you are not at odds and fighting and feel that you could effectively co-parent. I'm afraid that if you AREN'T totally committed, that lack of animosity could change, espeically if he feels you didn't commit or if you are inclined to cross boundaries again. Just something to think about. Please know your own mind. I know you said the two of you are going to counseling together, are you going to go individually as well? I can understand a lot of what you're saying. I am going to IC. He said he doesn't thin he needs to.
amaysngrace Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I can understand a lot of what you're saying. I am going to IC. He said he doesn't thin he needs to. He never got angry? That doesn't sound healthy. Kind of like he's suppressing his feelings. Maybe that's what's causing your bad vibe?
Got it Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I think you should be completely honest with your husband on everything if you are trying to reconcile. I think you need to decide if you want to reconcile as well but you can still be honest in that process. If you are reconciling, then you need to start seeing you two are a team/partners that are together overcoming this issue. So your husband can support you in your process as you can support him in his. It might be best to do some of those deep dives with a MC to help mediate and give you both a safe setting to share your deeper thoughts. And/or ask your husband, how much does he want to know? Some people want to hear about every passing thought, others don't want to know unless you are confirmed in it. Give him the entree list and see what he says. But be a team. 2
Pierre Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 He never got angry? That doesn't sound healthy. Kind of like he's suppressing his feelings. Maybe that's what's causing your bad vibe? I remember he was not angry. This may actually be a negative for Loredo. If the H was angry she would feel H is fighting for her and maybe she would be less anxious. If I was the H i would have ask Loredo to leave right away. So i don't get the passive behavior of the H. But. maybe he is just a cool guy that does not take things at a personal level. He seems to be very happy on his own. This happiness was probably interpreted by Loredo in a negative manner. 2
amaysngrace Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I think you should be completely honest with your husband on everything if you are trying to reconcile. I think you need to decide if you want to reconcile as well but you can still be honest in that process. I wouldn't be completely honest about how I felt about him. I'd say he's a creep and didn't deserve her affection which is true but I'd leave it at that. If loredos husband knows how she was hooked on the guy for a while and how it all went down, he might feel like he got her by default. Why do that to him?
veryhappy Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Your gut is telling you that you don't really want to be with your H, isn't it? I'm in a similar situation, choosing to stay although my gut is saying no. It's hard. All I can advise you is don't lie to yourself about the reality of it, and as far as I go I'm determined to not get into As as a coping strategy. It's the least I can offer in a less than ideal situation. 2
Pierre Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Your gut is telling you that you don't really want to be with your H, isn't it? I'm in a similar situation, choosing to stay although my gut is saying no. It's hard. All I can advise you is don't lie to yourself about the reality of it, and as far as I go I'm determined to not get into As as a coping strategy. It's the least I can offer in a less than ideal situation. I tend to agree. The H seems like a happy guy and was not that impacted by the affair. This may be seen as passive by Loredo and i think she needs a man that is angrily fighting for her. The behavior of the H may be seen a bit like a doormat. If H was real mad Loredo may interpret that as "Oh my God, he must love me!" If Loredo is not sure about reconciliation she must leave her H ASAP. The guy needs the opportunity to find a woman that truly loves him.
veryhappy Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Pierre, not all women are into the alpha rejecting men and are looking for drama. I know you mean well, but try to take it case by case. Or at least ask: does this apply to you?
Pierre Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Pierre, not all women are into the alpha rejecting men and are looking for drama. I know you mean well, but try to take it case by case. Or at least ask: does this apply to you? I don't think I am alfa, but I am not beta either. If I was the H of Loredo I would call her MM and ask him to pick her up. I am more than willing to forgive her, but i would only do that to someone that truly wants the marriage. Any wishy washy feelings are not acceptable. That is my take. The cheating of Loredo is certainly something that I would forgive, but i would not put up with indecision. "If she wants her MM she can have him" that would be my point of view. 1
Got it Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I wouldn't be completely honest about how I felt about him. I'd say he's a creep and didn't deserve her affection which is true but I'd leave it at that. If loredos husband knows how she was hooked on the guy for a while and how it all went down, he might feel like he got her by default. Why do that to him? I would think he would deserve to know the truth on it, don't you? If he is the default shouldn't he know that so he can make his choices? Or cause her to think deeper on why she was wanting to stay married more than just default.
amaysngrace Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I would think he would deserve to know the truth on it, don't you? If he is the default shouldn't he know that so he can make his choices? Or cause her to think deeper on why she was wanting to stay married more than just default. He already made the choice to forgive her and stay married. So no, I don't see how him knowing all those specifics is beneficial at all.
promises Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 He already made the choice to forgive her and stay married. So no, I don't see how him knowing all those specifics is beneficial at all. When ever I have felt sick about,/around a long term bf, I leave.
promises Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Usually take a trip and feel instantly better. 1
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