Eternal Sunshine Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Courageous, forgiving, peacemaker...I'm keeping a tally of your high quality characteristics. You can put these on your next OLD profile and if they don't believe or want more info, they can PM me you are too kind 1
apple OR orange Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I cut out anything in my past, although i dont go out with anyone now, got fed up of the whole thing, being dumped was the worse thing so i dont put myself in that situation anymore (dont really do social media either).
Sanctionne Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 My last breakup and reason why I joined this site is because of my ex that broke it off and never tried to contact me again. I'm 34 and this is the 1st time that an ex has completely cut me out of their life after the split. I have always remained friends or in contact w/my exes so this experience is very new for me and very painful. I can't understand how a person could cut off all contact immediately following a breakup? I guess I'll never know. All I can do is move on.
ltjg45 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 It really depends on how I feel. If she happens to be more of an enemy to me after the break-up, I rather have no contact. However, if she's a generally good person and things just didn't work out (like due to minor issues that annoys either of us severely), I have no objections to being friends.
pbjbear Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I havent ever dated a guy friend so I cut all contact with men I have dated somewhat seriously (like longer than 2 months) If I dated a guy friend I wouldnt just because my social circle is too precious to me. Most people who keep in contact with their exes do it for the attention and ego stroking...I also hate to say alot of people who keep in constant contact with their exes have no sense of boundaries. I see very few cases otherwise. I do take it on a case by case basis though...I have dated a few men who were close with their exes but they were exceptions. You can usually tell if a guy isnt over his ex or is the type who needs to have his ego stroked all the time...
Harradin Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I'm not over my ex (first and only girlfriend, I don't attach easily.) But I had to cut contact because she wanted me in her life as a friend as I was a "massive part of her life" whereas I loved her. I refused, she got angry about it and tried to turn it around on me, thought it was weird. But not spoken to her since then (3 and about 3/4 months NC), I can't imagine being in contact with her again unless she wanted to reconcile.
pbjbear Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I do not. I am in near daily contact with 2 of my exes. And recently seemed to have lost touch with two others that I was communicating with weekly. Strangely enough, the latter two seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth since I change my number (I gave it to them and know that they know it) and since I started dating new gf (they don't know about her yet). Anyhoo, no, I try to maintain a relationship with exes as far as they are comfortable with it. Thats because people keep in contact with their exes for attention and ego boosts.
Janesays Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I don't believe in the concept that people are disposable, so of course I stay friends.... Unless they did something unforgivably wrong to me, of course. If I become involved with someone else, I do adopt a fair bit of professional distance, though. 1
ltjg45 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Thats because people keep in contact with their exes for attention and ego boosts. Then those people have issues and it will show up again in future relationships. I will have to keep that in mind: At some point in a relationship, I will ask my spouse if she minds if I take a quick peek at her FB friends list. If she does mind, I need to remember that as time goes on since something is probably up. If she asks me about anything, I tell her because I got no demons in my closet that I care enough to keep hiding. If she does, however.....
Emilia Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Thats because people keep in contact with their exes for attention and ego boosts. I don't understand how that follows. You broke up, they will likely end up dating someone else soon. The attention you will get will be minimal and only for the phone call or coffee. Unless you pick attention whores to date of course.
pbjbear Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I don't understand how that follows. You broke up, they will likely end up dating someone else soon. The attention you will get will be minimal and only for the phone call or coffee. Unless you pick attention whores to date of course. Most people will take any attention they can get...I know lots of people that keep in contact with their exes that never get coffee dates and they most def do it for an ego boost People like to feel validated and good about themselves. I could go on and on about the number of people I see who have inappropriate boundaries with their exes while in relationships...some dont though (more mature people)
Els Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I have very sporadic contact (think 1-2 conversations a year) with one, who has been in a LTR for a few years now and has a kid. Fairly regular contact (every few weeks or so) with the other, who has had one short-term gf in the interim. I think both NC and contact are valid routes, depending on the circumstances of the breakup and the people involved. My bf is doing NC with his ex, of his own volition. No complaints from me there. No complaints either if he hadn't chosen to do so.
Eclypse Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I have a flair for the dramatic. I'll cut contact with someone for the smallest things. If I had an ex, an actual former girlfriend, you can bet that chick is getting NC'd Something obviously happened between us that caused us to break up. I see no point in talking to her. I understand your perspective however this was a person who you shared your most intimate moments with and arguably they knew you better than almost anyone else. I'm not saying you should be bffl's but if you completely cut out someone who you were this close with then it suggests you ever never that much in love to begin with. Of course this assumes the break up was amicable. If not, then no reason to keep interacting with them.
pbjbear Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I understand your perspective however this was a person who you shared your most intimate moments with and arguably they knew you better than almost anyone else. I'm not saying you should be bffl's but if you completely cut out someone who you were this close with then it suggests you ever never that much in love to begin with. Of course this assumes the break up was amicable. If not, then no reason to keep interacting with them. Some people have the ability to let go I think the main reason someone should let go is so they can give someone their full emotional attention later down the road (dating wise) Too many people spend too much energy on the past...
veggirl Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 NC at the beginning is the way to heal. and that includes deleting from FB--if you are sad about a break up do you really want to see your exes happy go lucky updates and stuff? no thanks. Why put yourself through that? If you are over your ex...at the time of break up, that would indicate there were no strong feelings there to begin with so I guess that might work staying FB friends. Or I guess if it was a short relationship, like people who have 10 exes or something when they are like in their 20s, obviously those were probably dumb short relationships that never should have even began so I guess I could see staying fb friends because you're prob then the type who gets "in a relationship" with practically anyone.
Mary7720 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 When I was in my teens/20s I would stay friends, but now I do NC, and I stick to the no "just friends" rule with guys. Mainly because I feel like if I'm talking to a guy I can't really focus on finding someone new, and it's pretty inevitable that one or both of us will have feelings.
soccerrprp Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Thats because people keep in contact with their exes for attention and ego boosts. Yup, starting to feel that is why...i've really degenerated since dating....
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I go NC. It is just easier that way. The boyfriend keeps in touch with quite a few exes, respectfully so. It is rare that he talks with them, but I always know when he does out of common courtesy he tells me.
Sugarkane Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Why does everyone love staying contact on this site? Yet My exes don't? I've only had vindictive dumpers wanting to blame everything on me despite them cheating on me. I never want to see/ talk to them again. I hope their lives are happy cheating on someone else.
Sugarkane Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Why does everyone love staying contact on this site? Yet My exes don't? I've only had vindictive dumpers wanting to blame everything on me despite them cheating on me. I never want to see/ talk to them again. I hope their lives are happy cheating on someone else. They never had one iota of decency with me.
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I understand your perspective however this was a person who you shared your most intimate moments with and arguably they knew you better than almost anyone else. I'm not saying you should be bffl's but if you completely cut out someone who you were this close with then it suggests you ever never that much in love to begin with. Of course this assumes the break up was amicable. If not, then no reason to keep interacting with them. Yes. I don't understand how it can be otherwise. If someone is that disposable after sharing everything, there wasn't much there to begin with.
Sugarkane Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Sorry for the double post. Also because I don't want an ex to use me for sex. Have had nasty breakups and never got an apology. Why should I be nice?
Emilia Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Why should I be nice? Because everyone is a human being and everyone gets emotional.
serial muse Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I tend to go full NC right after the breakup - for precisely the reasons that Pyro listed. IME "staying friends" immediately post-breakup is always fraught - somebody isn't really done, and I think it's cruel to hold out false hope, and I certainly don't want to experience false hope. Breakups are painful enough as it is. I just think some time has to pass first. But after that time passes, I can be friends with my exes, in a "we're good" kind of way. Not best friends or anything, but friendly. Most of them are FB friends, but it's not like we talk a lot. We just kind of wish each other well. The only ex who I have actively rejected friendship from is my cheating exH; the lies were just too much and I felt like I didn't know who he really was in the end, which is also a barrier to friendship.
candie13 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 my ex texted me a few days ago to tell me that one of his friends who is ridiculously well connected in the art world might be organizing an event in the city where I live. So I was sort of following up on that ... when he tells me he got very sick and had to go to the ER at the hospital, because of his throat. he was bound to his bed, and had nothing in his house. He's an expat, just like I am, with a few acquaintances and little friends... anyways, I brought him fruit, water, tea and milk - literally just dropped these in his kitchen, chatted 3 minutes and left. Gave him my GP number. I feel like an arse! I mean, I am glad to help out, I would have done a lot more for any of my friends, but yeah, awkward as sh*t, as a situation!
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