Emissary Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 At my job in the mall I know a ton of girls that I'm well acquainted with, with fair possibilities I could ask them out for coffee if I really wanted to. It's one thing I'll admit, I'm very sporadic with my various crushes. It usually boils down to which suitable girl I've had the most flirty and positive interactions with recently, I lose interest in most girls if I don't see them for even a week, they can easily win it back, but that's my attention span for you. There's one girl though that really just dominates my attention at the mere sight of her, she's really good looking, but she's such a character, very funny girl, and she likes to play along with me most of the time. Sadly, I was under the impression she was taken, so I never really took her seriously. However, it now appears I was mistaken, but that's where I'm not impressed with myself. I served her today, she was very quiet, at first I inquired if she was under the weather, I didn't mean to press, but I didn't catch on until it was too late that it was a personal issue, basically that she's not having a good day due to the way "some people" have treated her. I finished her order and I think I was sincere in saying I hope her day goes better. After work I walked over to the little store across from my mine to buy some breath mints, but I was really there to say hi to her mom (we've known each other for years) who happens to manage the store and inquire if her daughter was doing ok. I didn't expect to get any details, but she told me everything right off the bat, I didn't have to push for anything, not that I was going to, I guess she was angry. Long story short, the guy I thought she was seeing was just a friend, but he's a huge dickwad and now is putting severe pressure on her to have a friends with benefits relation with him, I think the fact she's already vented to her mother indicates he completely blew it. What I don't like is that I'm actually quite happy about all of this. When I realized she was dealing with a personal issue, I immediately suspected she had a row of sorts with her "boyfriend", I didn't want to get my hopes up but it was a bit of a warm feeling, and when I got the truth, I was grinning all the way home. I just think it's kind of messed up that this is a person that I would ideally like to say I'm in a loving relationship years down the road, and here I am treating her misery as a personal victory. I'm almost considering playing the sympathy card to get closer to her and nail that coffee date. Is that normal, or am I a bit messed up? I kind of feel like I'm in the same boat as the guy who wanted to sleep with her, even though my intentions are to win her heart and not her vagina. Still, I feel bad for purring this late at night.
Keenly Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 If she rants about this again try and act like you have to go do something work related but slip her the number and say that you would actually like to hear what she has to say. Or something smoother than that, feeling too lazy to do all the work for you tonight But there is nothing "Not nice" about that. As far as I am concerned, you are a nice guy for sitting there and listening to what she has to say on her rant. I don't think you did any damage to your nice guy status.
JuneJulySeptember Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 At my job in the mall I know a ton of girls that I'm well acquainted with, with fair possibilities I could ask them out for coffee if I really wanted to. It's one thing I'll admit, I'm very sporadic with my various crushes. It usually boils down to which suitable girl I've had the most flirty and positive interactions with recently, I lose interest in most girls if I don't see them for even a week, they can easily win it back, but that's my attention span for you. There's one girl though that really just dominates my attention at the mere sight of her, she's really good looking, but she's such a character, very funny girl, and she likes to play along with me most of the time. Sadly, I was under the impression she was taken, so I never really took her seriously. However, it now appears I was mistaken, but that's where I'm not impressed with myself. I served her today, she was very quiet, at first I inquired if she was under the weather, I didn't mean to press, but I didn't catch on until it was too late that it was a personal issue, basically that she's not having a good day due to the way "some people" have treated her. I finished her order and I think I was sincere in saying I hope her day goes better. After work I walked over to the little store across from my mine to buy some breath mints, but I was really there to say hi to her mom (we've known each other for years) who happens to manage the store and inquire if her daughter was doing ok. I didn't expect to get any details, but she told me everything right off the bat, I didn't have to push for anything, not that I was going to, I guess she was angry. Long story short, the guy I thought she was seeing was just a friend, but he's a huge dickwad and now is putting severe pressure on her to have a friends with benefits relation with him, I think the fact she's already vented to her mother indicates he completely blew it. What I don't like is that I'm actually quite happy about all of this. When I realized she was dealing with a personal issue, I immediately suspected she had a row of sorts with her "boyfriend", I didn't want to get my hopes up but it was a bit of a warm feeling, and when I got the truth, I was grinning all the way home. I just think it's kind of messed up that this is a person that I would ideally like to say I'm in a loving relationship years down the road, and here I am treating her misery as a personal victory. I'm almost considering playing the sympathy card to get closer to her and nail that coffee date. Is that normal, or am I a bit messed up? I kind of feel like I'm in the same boat as the guy who wanted to sleep with her, even though my intentions are to win her heart and not her vagina. Still, I feel bad for purring this late at night. Wow. You REALLY are a nice guy, man. Like a real good, sensitive dude. You remind me of when I was younger before I became all bitter and jaded. I'm not so sure that your disposition and nature is going to be an asset when it comes to women, but I'll just leave it at that and wish you good luck. I sure as h@ll hope you succeed.
ltjg45 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Sounds normal to me. I did the same quite a few times where I hear a piece of news that got me excited, like my brother getting arrested on the day of my 23rd birthday, and I just laugh about it for the next 2 hours on my way back home. Best day ever! Felt like I got some vengeance off of my back. In a way, it worked out great for you. That "friend" demands too much, has made a fool out of himself, and is now considered as an enemy, which is rightfully so. I don't see why you shouldn't be laughing at him for his stupidity.
TheZebra Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 While it's something that a lot of people do (it's basic human instinct to want to see our enemies fail), I don't recommend it. It's just not healthy to wish negativity on anyone and in the long run it just makes you more miserable. If you're feeling happy about people failing, you're likely feeling sad about people succeeding as well. It just breeds negativity. I was feeling incredibly bitter abou my ex and his new gf (for example) and found myself secretly wishing death to their relationship. But what's the point? I'm sitting here, bitter and upset, while he's out there happy. He probably wants me to feel bitter. The best thing I can do is be happy for him (trust me, it's hard, I have a lot to learn myself). It's not about being a nice guy or not, it's about not driving yourself crazy and into a depressed wonderland because of the people around you.
JuneJulySeptember Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 While it's something that a lot of people do (it's basic human instinct to want to see our enemies fail), I don't recommend it. It's just not healthy to wish negativity on anyone and in the long run it just makes you more miserable. If you're feeling happy about people failing, you're likely feeling sad about people succeeding as well. It just breeds negativity. I was feeling incredibly bitter abou my ex and his new gf (for example) and found myself secretly wishing death to their relationship. But what's the point? I'm sitting here, bitter and upset, while he's out there happy. He probably wants me to feel bitter. The best thing I can do is be happy for him (trust me, it's hard, I have a lot to learn myself). It's not about being a nice guy or not, it's about not driving yourself crazy and into a depressed wonderland because of the people around you. There's a difference in degree though. From OPs story, I can tell that he is a nice guy to almost a ridiculous degree. Why do you wish ill will on your ex? What did he do to you?
ThaWholigan Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 It happens. When younger, every time I heard my old crush was single, I smiled inside - and instantly felt like sh-t afterwards . I am legit nice these days - not THAT nice though. 1
Talak7 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Wtf...you are too nice for considering not going for it. Go for the gold! Practically everyone who is single was dating someone. We all take care of number one first. You think he goes "oh that poor guys been crushing on my ex I feel bad she doesn't have a chance to meet someone better i should **** off" Right... Wanna be a nice guy? Ask her out and treat her and appreciate her like she deserves. She left him because she's happier without him.
Author Emissary Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 Today saw through a positive development in a ways. On Thursday I was surprised to see her still hanging around the guy, at the time my logic centre simply told me it had to be another guy who was troubling her, that there's no way she would be hanging around a guy who pretty much wants to rape her. I was wrong though, I spotted her in the line-up today, she must have been staring at me the entire time because every time I glanced towards her gradually approaching we made eye contact. Anyway, when she got to my till, I followed up asking if she was doing any better. She said she wasn't, but the surprising thing is she opened up about what was actually troubling her (remember before I wasn't supposed to know). We talked about it a bit, and she said the guy she was hanging around so much ended up locking her out of the apartment they were sharing because she wouldn't shag him. I ended up paying for her order, which I could tell meant something to her. The good part of this is that she's confided a personal matter to me which means we have more than just a customer/server relation, and she's not going to be hanging around that douche bag anymore, kind of a slap in her face to wake her up to reality, he doesn't care about her.
ltjg45 Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Today saw through a positive development in a ways. On Thursday I was surprised to see her still hanging around the guy, at the time my logic centre simply told me it had to be another guy who was troubling her, that there's no way she would be hanging around a guy who pretty much wants to rape her. I was wrong though, I spotted her in the line-up today, she must have been staring at me the entire time because every time I glanced towards her gradually approaching we made eye contact. Anyway, when she got to my till, I followed up asking if she was doing any better. She said she wasn't, but the surprising thing is she opened up about what was actually troubling her (remember before I wasn't supposed to know). We talked about it a bit, and she said the guy she was hanging around so much ended up locking her out of the apartment they were sharing because she wouldn't shag him. I ended up paying for her order, which I could tell meant something to her. The good part of this is that she's confided a personal matter to me which means we have more than just a customer/server relation, and she's not going to be hanging around that douche bag anymore, kind of a slap in her face to wake her up to reality, he doesn't care about her. I have to admit: I do envy you. I wish I can get that lucky and possibly get an attractive female that way.
SJC2008 Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 You're "happiness" over her finding she is infact single is perfecly normal. I wouldn't play the sympathy card though but my most important advice is don't try to win a woman over by being the guy she can talk to; Unless you wanna shoot a b-line to the friend zone. She can talk to her frineds or parents about her problems.
the_entertainer1 Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 You sound like a nice guy. I think everyone feels slightly happy when someone they like breaks up with their bf/gf. Don't feel guilty about that. I know someone (a guy in his 60s now) who threw a snowball at his now-wife, blamed it on her then-boyfriend, and then went over to 'comfort' her. She broke up with her boyfriend and she's been married to this guy for 35 years! But, even though it was successful for him, don't be like him! lol (that's a warning to everyone, not just you!) I think what you're doing sounds ok. It seems like you genuinely care about her. Just be wary of being the 'rebound guy'.
callingyouuu Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 I know someone (a guy in his 60s now) who threw a snowball at his now-wife, blamed it on her then-boyfriend, and then went over to 'comfort' her. She broke up with her boyfriend and she's been married to this guy for 35 years! But, even though it was successful for him, don't be like him! lol (that's a warning to everyone, not just you!) Just wanted to jump in and say that's the most amazing "how we got together" story ever. I pretty much agree with what everyone has said. It's normal to be happy to find out you have a chance with someone you like. Just be observant and tread carefully.
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