karebear872 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I don't even know where to start. I am 25, and I have been with my husband for a little over 5 years, and we have been married for 2 1/2. We have been going through a rough time for a while. I no longer find myself attracted to him, and we argue all the time. These problems have been going on for a long time. I do still love him, but I feel as though I see him more as my friend than as my soul mate. We do get along for the most part, but argue frequently and have sex only once a month or so. Most of the time that is only because I am trying to get him off my back. The one thing that really pushed me to start thinking about divorce was a about 4 months ago, my husband made multiple comments about not wanting to hear about my job. I love my job and spend most of my time there and it really hurt me and made me angry that he has said this many times. About a month and half ago, I cheated on him with someone I work with. My husband found out and still wants to try to work things out. I told him I need some time to decide what is best for me right now. I really like this guy from work. I have talked to him a lot about what is going on in my life right now. He says he does not want a relationship right now, but I feel as though if he did, I would be gone without question. I feel as though that is not fair to my husband to stay with him when I think that. I find myself still wanting to continue being with the work guy. He has said that he doesn't want any more to happen until I file for divorce. I think that has pushed me to want to file sooner, but part of me is still slightly unsure. If I do decide to work on my marriage, I feel as though I can't quite trust myself around this guy from work. However, we work very closely all day so it's not as though I can cut all ties with him either. I have been leaning towards divorce, but there is still part of me that is scared to death that I'm making the wrong decision. I know that no one can make this decision for me; however, if anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it.
wanderluster Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 (edited) I think you should leave. Move out, separate. Cheating on someone who has committed 5 years of their lives to you, for a man who doesn't even want to be in a relationship at the moment, is just not worth it. But I think you need some real time apart from your husband to gather into perspective what you really want. I cheated on mine, for similar reasons. And it was not until my husband found out that I realised I'd done something foolish. If i was to go back in time, I would first try to resolve all issues with my husband, seeking what I lacked from another man only exasperated the situation. Try to fix it first and then throw in the towel. And do as you please with anyone you like... Edited February 5, 2013 by wanderluster
Darren Steez Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 You want to have your cake and eat it don't you? You don't want to work on your marriage but you want to continue this relationship to see where it goes since this other man is not showing the same commitment that you want. If it doesn't work out I'm guessing then you'll want your husband back. You're scared to be alone, you get a divorce, this other guy who just wants his fun but up and leave. Be fair to your husband. Let him go. 4
TaraMaiden Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I swear I began reading your post, and immediately I thought - "she has another guy she's interested in..." Damn, it's so predictable. Nobody posts about their spouse, and how long they've been married, and we're not really cutting it, without the 'other person' kicker. Sorry, I agree with Darren Steez: leave your husband. you would actually benefit from being on your own for a while, to see whether there's something about yourself needs 'fixing' before you consider a relationship with anyone else, let alone this 'someone you work with'. That in itself is fraught with problems. Doesn't make for a healthy business environment. Leave, and stay single. You're not really in a fit state of mind to give the best of yourself to anyone. And if that's the case, why would anyone want something flawed? You're confused, and in a fog. Clear that up before venturing into the dating scene again. 4
TheOW Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I swear I began reading your post, and immediately I thought - "she has another guy she's interested in..." Damn, it's so predictable. Nobody posts about their spouse, and how long they've been married, and we're not really cutting it, without the 'other person' kicker.QUOTE] Of course there is someone else this is the infidelity forum after-all its not predictable at all. OP i am in a similar situation but i have went full circle and i am in an A with a MM, do not do it is the best advice i can give you. If you like me have lost all love and feeling for your husband i would sugest going on vacation on your own or go away visit friends, family. You need time to clear the air and have some "alone" time to sort through your thoughts. 1
TheOW Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I swear I began reading your post, and immediately I thought - "she has another guy she's interested in..." Damn, it's so predictable. Nobody posts about their spouse, and how long they've been married, and we're not really cutting it, without the 'other person' kicker. Of course there is someone else this is the infidelity forum after-all its not predictable at all. OP i am in a similar situation but i have went full circle and i am in an A with a MM, do not do it is the best advice i can give you. If you like me have lost all love and feeling for your husband i would sugest going on vacation on your own or go away visit friends, family. You need time to clear the air and have some "alone" time to sort through your thoughts.
96nole Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I don't even know where to start. I am 25, and I have been with my husband for a little over 5 years, and we have been married for 2 1/2. We have been going through a rough time for a while. I no longer find myself attracted to him, and we argue all the time. These problems have been going on for a long time. I do still love him, but I feel as though I see him more as my friend than as my soul mate. We do get along for the most part, but argue frequently and have sex only once a month or so. Most of the time that is only because I am trying to get him off my back. The one thing that really pushed me to start thinking about divorce was a about 4 months ago, my husband made multiple comments about not wanting to hear about my job. I love my job and spend most of my time there and it really hurt me and made me angry that he has said this many times. About a month and half ago, I cheated on him with someone I work with. My husband found out and still wants to try to work things out. I told him I need some time to decide what is best for me right now. I really like this guy from work. I have talked to him a lot about what is going on in my life right now. He says he does not want a relationship right now, but I feel as though if he did, I would be gone without question. I feel as though that is not fair to my husband to stay with him when I think that. I find myself still wanting to continue being with the work guy. He has said that he doesn't want any more to happen until I file for divorce. I think that has pushed me to want to file sooner, but part of me is still slightly unsure. If I do decide to work on my marriage, I feel as though I can't quite trust myself around this guy from work. However, we work very closely all day so it's not as though I can cut all ties with him either. I have been leaning towards divorce, but there is still part of me that is scared to death that I'm making the wrong decision. I know that no one can make this decision for me; however, if anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it. You've been going through a rough time with your husband. Probably because you've been spending most of your time at work. Probably because you're cheating with a co-worker. And of course because your husband said he doesn't want to hear about your job. Perhaps you do nothing other than talk about your job when you're with your husband. Do you talk about other things? If I could talk to your husband I'd tell him to run for the hills. You're not committed to fixing the marriage. You're only committed to the familiarity of it. You want to keep him as an option while you explore the possibility of a relationship with the OM. Your spouse should never be an "option". You know your husband wants you. Nothing exciting there. But the OM got your attention but then said he doesn't want a relationship. That's a challenge to you. You're thinking: "Why doesn't he want a relationship with me"? "Can I make him want a relationship?" "Can I change him?" It's a challenge. A puzzle to be solved. Something that excites you. Go to the OM. If you have a shred of respect for your husband, divorce him so he can find someone who will want him, and not some fantasy. You're not going to get the OM out of your head. You'll always wonder. That's not fair to your husband. It also seems you were too young and immature to get married. It seems you want to play the field a bit more. You said you're scared of making the wrong decision. You already did. You cheated on your husband. 3
Jonah Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I swear I began reading your post, and immediately I thought - "she has another guy she's interested in..." Damn, it's so predictable. Nobody posts about their spouse, and how long they've been married, and we're not really cutting it, without the 'other person' kicker.QUOTE] Infidelity forum - no kidding! going on vacation on your own or go away visit friends, family. You need time to clear the air and have some "alone" time to sort through your thoughts. Yup. One month minimum. Good call OW.
road Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Why do you want to leave your BH for an OM that only wants you as a FB? You will never lose feelings for the OM and recover feelings for your BH is you still have contact with the OM. You must leave that job and go NC with your OM.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Why do you want to leave your BH for an OM that only wants you as a FB? You will never lose feelings for the OM and recover feelings for your BH is you still have contact with the OM. You must leave that job and go NC with your OM. Not going to happen because, in order, her priorities are: 1). Self 2). Job 3). OM 4). Husband karebear872, I say without judgement you should follow your instincts and divorce your husband. At least right now, you're not someone who should be married... Mr. Lucky 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Of course there is someone else this is the infidelity forum after-all its not predictable at all. OP i am in a similar situation but i have went full circle and i am in an A with a MM, do not do it is the best advice i can give you. If you like me have lost all love and feeling for your husband i would sugest going on vacation on your own or go away visit friends, family. You need time to clear the air and have some "alone" time to sort through your thoughts. Some of us are BSs
TheOW Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Some of us are BSs I meant it in the sense that someone has been cheating ....
Betrayed&Stayed Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Marriage is not the same as "going steady". You're married! Marriage is not all roses all the time. From the limited info that can be conveyed in this forum, it sounds like you don't know what love or marriage is about. Maybe it's a generational thing. You expect a soul-mate that will make you feel all warm and giddy 24/7. That's Hollywood, not reality. Your marriage has hit a new phase of love: Realistic Love. The honeymoon is over, and a new reality is setting in. When this happened in our marriage, my wife cheated on me because she missed the "fun" of dating and being "in love". She was not mature enough to accept the responsibilities of life and marriage. This might be helpful: Passages of Marriage: Five Growth Stages | Marriage Missions International 1
SmokeRat Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I'll chime in on this as well, in a point form kinda format. 1. You are a cake-eater. Of the worst degree. And I would know, as my Wife is on par with you, but the thing that seperates her from you, is that she truely loves me. You are not even sure if you fully love your Husband. 2. See the last sentence in Point 1. If you are questioning it, then are are not. Leave. Spare this poor man the grief and anger he's going to feel soon enough. 3. The OM said nothing until you file for divorce? Really. You believe that? Let's lay it out like this: - OM doesn't know if you're a good lay, so he'll try the milk before he buys the entire bag. - OM has an affair with a MARRIED Woman; now your a Woman and you two get together, what's to say he isn't going to find some OTHER WOMAN, and do the same thing to you. Especially once he tires of the 'fresh milk' he's tasting. 3. Another poster pointed out, that your spouse isn't an option. Your spouse is your reality, and should be the ONLY person you are with. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. 4. Get out and go be with your OM. I give you 2-3 years before you become a BS because of this dirt ball. 5. Enjoy ruining someones life, because it isn't all about you, all the time.
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 You seem to want to leave your H and divorce him only IF the OM co worker will be there for you and want a relationship with you. If you decide on divorcing do it because you'd be better off alone, being ON your own with no man to rely on at all. The OM wants no part of your life until you are D and even then he isn't sure if he wants a R with you. Have you tried going to counseling? If not, go. With your husband and on your own. To throw in the towel on your marriage so quickly without really trying to reconnect with your husband and give him a chance to reconnect with you, you may regret one day. Obviously you loved your H enough to marry him. letting petty fights get in the way, letting someone else come between you two in such a short period of time during your rough patch isn't good. Really think about this before you decide to pull the trigger on your marriage. Separate and go FULL ON No Contact with your OM. meaning only deal with him on a professional level if you can. this way you have space and time on your own to figure out what you actually want. 1
96nole Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Obviously you loved your H enough to marry him. As soon as I read the line above the question that came into my head was: Did she really love him enough to marry, or was she more in love with the idea of "The Wedding"?
ver13 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Did you actually read what you have posted and if so let me ask you this. If you were one of answering the posted what would you tell the OP based off what you have been told so far? I mean work can be a wonderful place but at the end of the day it's not who you truly are. Sounds like your H might have wanted to talk to you about things that are more important to him or maybe your relationship as a whole. But that's not going to happen is it? The OM is just that an OM like there are OW etc... There are over 300 mil people in the USA today everybody fit's this label in some way or form. But our H that is a different matter totaly. If you can't see past yourself you will never be able to enjoy those who may try and get close to you. M is drama on the high seas that's for sure there will always be distractions ie... Jobs, OM, OW the weather etc... But the chance to live your life with a partner that you have traveled the long road with that respects you and misses you when you are gone is a rare thing to behold. Let him go his own way to find that someone special, that woman he can have babies with without regret and call her his wife...
drifter777 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 This is really how most marriages end, it's just that it's never happened to you before so you are a bit confused as to what to do. Listen to the people who are urging you to end your marriage and start a new life. You just need to grit your teeth and pull the bandage off quickly. Starting over is the best thing for both of you.
2sure Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Since you are in the process of makng a decision that affects only you and your husband, and affects you both 100%, and is based on both of your lives, feelings, expectations , and futures....why not have a full on, all the cards on the table , honest discussion.....with your husband? How on earth can he make any decisions unless he knows exactly where you stand?
Author karebear872 Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 I wanted to thank everyone for their input...even the brutally honest ones. I think that is what I needed to hear. Many of you seemed to hit things right on the head as to how I feel. And I do think a large part of the problem is that I got married because I wanted to be married not because I was truly ready for the commitment. Those of you that said I clearly don't love my husband, I disagree. I do still love him, but I think that I just love him differently than I used to. Also, I don't feel as though I will ever fully gain is trust again and I don't blame him for that. I am the one that made the decision to have an affair. I am the one to blame. But, I do know that I will always wonder "what if" no matter what decision I make. I can only hope that as I move forward I can hopefully be happy with where ever my life takes me. I am very grateful that I do not have children to complicate this situation. I couldn't imagine trying to sort this all out with children involved. As of right now, I am going to talk to my husband and explain everything to him the best I can. I do plan to go through with the divorce. Thanks for the help again!
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