Coping with Wife's Sexual aversion

February 7, 2013

All I care about when with a woman is whether I am happy with her, not the other way around.

Now my wife would be REALLY unhappy with you...

Mr. Lucky

February 9, 2013

Try this, just an idea. Get a babysitter. Take her out to a nice dinner, make sure there is plenty of wine (or maybe another alternative to lower her inhibitions). Take her back home before she gets too tired. Light candles in your bedroom and maybe some nice music, or incense. Then give her a massage with oil if you have it. Then....this is the most important part....give her oral sex:) Good oral sex for a long, long time. Then move in for the penetration. Slow and soft at first then speed it up. Give it a shot.

February 9, 2013

Try this, just an idea. Get a babysitter. Take her out to a nice dinner, make sure there is plenty of wine (or maybe another alternative to lower her inhibitions). Take her back home before she gets too tired. Light candles in your bedroom and maybe some nice music, or incense. Then give her a massage with oil if you have it. Then....this is the most important part....give her oral sex:) Good oral sex for a long, long time. Then move in for the penetration. Slow and soft at first then speed it up. Give it a shot.

Sounds like an ideal night out to me, and we have plans to go out for Valentines Day. I am open minded, but my experiences of late have taught me I will not get past wine.

I appreciate the input though.

February 9, 2013

If she had a psychosomatic STD, then I can only imagine how she determined that she has an aversion to sex. ...her feelings about the past started with this article. She is fitting her problems into a mold perhaps as a way to validate her problem. Then it isn't her problem but a condition. This is harder to tackle unless she takes responsibility and assumes it is "our" problem and solvable.

This is spot on. She is myopically focused on the issue as being hers alone, and refuses to allow that it has some impact on me, or rather that the impact it has on me is consequential enough to justify attention.

Advice from a guy who had your exact feelings: enjoy every time and appreciate every moment. Don't act at all like the sex was less than perfect...Treat sex like the mutual expression of love that you want.

I will have to work on this. I do not express openly my distaste for the methods of lovemaking we employ, but it is likely I am conveying it during sex through efforts to incorporate other dimensions/positions.

I know the feeling. And if I could give advice again, then I will say...don't ever mention how you wish she would have an orgasm.

I have left it completely off the table and unmentioned anticipating exactly what you stated.

I am guessing that oral sex is blacklisted? That is the best way for her to enjoy an orgasm.

Absolutely. Since her tear, I am not allowed to look at her.

It happens...don't kick yourself. The issue here is that she needed to initiate to avoid your pouting ( I know...I did it too ). Then it no longer was an expression of mutual love but it was a way to make you happy. She loves you but sex was not for her an expression of that. It became a validation of your manhood.

Nailed it again. It is frustrating. I waiver on whether or not I am ever going to be able to live it down. She has rubberbanded so far back the other way that she is admittedly unable to concern herself with me and my needs in this regard

Did she feel as if she were being raped

Yes. It is shameful. I feel that for her to hold the belief that I am capable of doing that to her reflects on how poorly she must think of me and what she believes me capable of. She asserts that she does not view me in that light, but maintains her perception of the act. These things to me are not mutually exclusive.

Question: has she ever been raped or sexually abused?

No. Not that she has professed to me anyway. During therapy, she did assert that the delivery of our first child was traumatic and she felt violated.

Good. It got that bad, huh? As for her not wanting to read, I am not surprised at all. You seem like the one who does the research. My wife doesn't like to read either.

Actually, the opposite. Typically, she reads avidly. I used to read heavily as well, but prior to finishing the 5 books I read back to back on various subjects related to our issues, I hadnt completed a book cover to cover in years. She insists that she cannot focus on our relationship. She maintains that her first priority is our kids and being a good mom. She cannot give our marriage any attention until she feels she has achieved that. It is so ambiguous and open ended, that I know I am in for a long haul just waiting for her.

What does she need to recover from?

She is clinically depressed. Refuses to take medication or pursue therapy. Rather maintains that she can address the issue independantly through diet and exercise.

I want to support her in this, and have unequivocally thus far, however, it is draining every time she relapses and time passes with no progress.

Her parents are both on anti-depressants, and my wife wants to be nothing like them.

Have you completely laid off asking for sex? And for how long? Act like sex with her is totally unnecessary for awhile (weeks). Still kiss and cuddle with NO indication that you need more (even if that means you take care of yourself periodically).

No completely. As per her request, I have given her the "space" she desires. I do still, on occasion (once every 2 weeks, give or take) make overtures for sex. I will try to extend the period between requests.

Some things are a necessity even though they seem like a luxury. This may be a necessity for her while a luxury for you. Keep it on the list.

Will do.

Strange. Why do you think it is?

I attribute it to her depression. It is like she views it as an obligation that she gets around to when she remembers it.

Perhaps it may be best to let her initiate this conversation? You know best. Let her take responsibility. Could she feel pressured if you keep after her? Let her give progress reports when she is ready.

Acknowledged. I made mention of it last night, and it did not go over well. I am more interested in her expressing any concern than really getting a status update. I have been lost in this process of her recovery for a while, and I am starting to feel like I am losing my bearings. I am searching for a means of getting her to connect me to the process and its implications on our marriage.

February 11, 2013

This is spot on. She is myopically focused on the issue as being hers alone, and refuses to allow that it has some impact on me, or rather that the impact it has on me is consequential enough to justify attention.

And if the problem is hers, then there is nothing you can do about it. Her attempt at keeping it her problem gives her all of the control and keeps you helpless. My wife said this often that it was her and not me. She may have meant it to comfort me but in reality, it made me more resentful. It left me helpless and yet inside I knew that I must have some blame.

I did.

I will have to work on this. I do not express openly my distaste for the methods of lovemaking we employ, but it is likely I am conveying it during sex through efforts to incorporate other dimensions/positions.

While I would find it hard to not be able to do oral, it may be necessary to live by her rules for awhile, understanding that this part truly is her problem. And trying to push or persuade her to accept herself may not be the answer. This is where a counselor would be handy.

Relax and enjoy the ride even if it isn't as exciting as you would like.

I have left it completely off the table and unmentioned anticipating exactly what you stated.

Good. The thing is with us men is...we assume that lovemaking cannot be enjoyable without an orgasm. And for women it can...although not quite as much. She will derive some/much pleasure from knowing that she has made you satisfied IF you leave the impression that she has. You can focus on what you enjoy rather than on what you don't have. If you are like me, then her having an orgasm is a mark of how well you did and how well she enjoyed it. For now, enjoy the fact that she enjoys the fact that you enjoy it.

Absolutely. Since her tear, I am not allowed to look at her.

This is a bummer. I understand. And during the last many years of less sex, she did not have an orgasm and oral was not even enjoyed. Lately she has begin to enjoy it. However, in our case, it wasn't because she didn't want me to look at her.

BTW, did you EVER make a negative remark about how she looked? Did you make a comment that she perceived negatively?

Nailed it again. It is frustrating. I waiver on whether or not I am ever going to be able to live it down. She has rubberbanded so far back the other way that she is admittedly unable to concern herself with me and my needs in this regard

In time you can. Simply enjoy every little step and every little kiss or cuddle that you get. Do not expect more and in time more will happen. Don't put a timeline on how soon you will be back to "normal" either. Even now, we have gone a couple of weeks without sex. How to handle it is a question for me, too.

Yes. It is shameful. I feel that for her to hold the belief that I am capable of doing that to her reflects on how poorly she must think of me and what she believes me capable of. She asserts that she does not view me in that light, but maintains her perception of the act. These things to me are not mutually exclusive.

To her they are not. She does not consider you a rapist, but the act seemed like rape to her. I actually understand what she is trying to convey. She feels that she was forced to please you when she did not want to do so. It does not mean that she felt YOU raped her per se but that the act became something that she needed to endure.

As hard as it is (having been there), don't take it too personally. It is an emotional state for her. She doesn't think YOU are capable of rape. She was comparing her feelings that she had when the unenjoyed sex happened to what it might feel like if raped. She doesn't mean that it was as bad as rape just somewhat similar.

No. Not that she has professed to me anyway. During therapy, she did assert that the delivery of our first child was traumatic and she felt violated.

Why did she feel violated? And if she did, then why did she want another and still want one more? She must love her children.

There must be something else behind that...perhaps not. Did she feel that her rights were being violated? Did she feel that she had no say in what happened? Do you remember what all happened during that birth? Some women have called it "birth rape" because it felt like they were having all sorts of instruments and hands shoved into them against their will.

Don't know if this describes it at all but here is a link to read:

What?s Birth Rape? | Birth/Rape

And this one may be helpful:

Women Who Cry Birth Rape: Does Birth Rape Really Happen?

Perhaps discussing the incident will uncover what all happened. There may be something to it that has caused her to feel sickened by anything involving her vagina. And if she tore during that pregnancy, then this may be part of it.

Actually, the opposite. Typically, she reads avidly. I used to read heavily as well, but prior to finishing the 5 books I read back to back on various subjects related to our issues, I hadnt completed a book cover to cover in years.

Good for her. If she did not, then it would be harder for you. Now if she just picks up the one book that helps the most...whatever that is.

And I admire you for doing all of the reading you have especially when it is not as enjoyable for you.

She insists that she cannot focus on our relationship. She maintains that her first priority is our kids and being a good mom.

Part of being a good mom is being a good wife just as part of being a good father is being a good husband.

BUT...it is excellent that she wants to be a good mom. Imagine if you had a wife who gave you all of the sex you wanted and yet did not want to be a mother! Imagine if she went out every might and partied or shopped and yet came home ravenous for sex? You would be taking care of the kids and wishing they have a good mother. Count the blessings that you have and then work on what you don't have.

She cannot give our marriage any attention until she feels she has achieved that. It is so ambiguous and open ended, that I know I am in for a long haul just waiting for her.

Could be. Could also be that in a short time she changes her mind. One never knows with women.

She is clinically depressed. Refuses to take medication or pursue therapy. Rather maintains that she can address the issue independantly through diet and exercise.

THIS is a problem. She needs to address it the best way that works. If diet and exercise was working then great, but apparently it is not. Convincing her to add therapy will be hard but necessary. She is probably more adverse to drugs than therapy. Has she tried St Johns Wort?

I want to support her in this, and have unequivocally thus far, however, it is draining every time she relapses and time passes with no progress.

I totally understand. My wife has dealt with depression. She also deals with weight issues and pain. She discovers ways that help her based on her own findings and yet she does what makes it worse! And she will eat knowing that she will gain weight. The big question...how do you convince someone to do what is good for them when they know it yet don't do it? Tell me when you figure it out.

Her parents are both on anti-depressants, and my wife wants to be nothing like them.

And yet she is.

No completely. As per her request, I have given her the "space" she desires. I do still, on occasion (once every 2 weeks, give or take) make overtures for sex. I will try to extend the period between requests.

As hard as it is, act like you no longer need her for your sexual satisfaction, You could figure out some ways so that you don't. However, do try to cuddle and kiss and hug without letting her think that you need or want more.

I made mention of it (recovery) last night, and it did not go over well. I am more interested in her expressing any concern than really getting a status update. I have been lost in this process of her recovery for a while, and I am starting to feel like I am losing my bearings. I am searching for a means of getting her to connect me to the process and its implications on our marriage.

This is where you need to get a life...nicely said. Begin doing what you need to do to "recover." Become the man who attracted her. Do you weigh what you weighed when the two of you married? (I asked you earlier but don't see where you answered it). Are you overweight? Are you fit? Do you act sullen when you are with her? Do you act as you did? Are you making her laugh? (Oddly, I realized that I wasn't like I used to. Now I can get her to laugh more often.)

Just some thoughts. Hopefully on this Monday, you can say you had a good weekend overall. If not, then I hope this week brings you some answers.

February 20, 2013

Good,

If you elect to have a third child your wife will take that to mean you are ok with how she is treating you. Consciously making an effort to have a child with a wife

who is acting badly sends her the message that you are ok with how she is acting. Doesn't matter what you say. Adding a child is a vote of approval.

QUOTE=GoodupsEvil;4595324]This is spot on. She is myopically focused on the issue as being hers alone, and refuses to allow that it has some impact on me, or rather that the impact it has on me is consequential enough to justify attention.