i want my husband back

[Betrayed&Stayed]

We were seperated at the time i was seeing this other man, all his friends had told him, so he knew i was there with this OM. My husband never asked me if i was seeing anyone else, he never questioned me about this OM. When we seperated just last august it was his friends who pressured him into getting a PT done. In a way im glad we did, cause at least its happend before my D got old enough. at least for now she will be able to still live life like nothing happend.

 

To me this isn't cheating. Is that how your husband sees it?

 

Has he spoken openly about what the crux of the problem is? Is it you, the child, other relationship issues? What is it that he thinks that you want that he can't give?

 

I would recommend that he goes to IC.

[drifter777]

We were seperated at the time i was seeing this other man, all his friends had told him, so he knew i was there with this OM. My husband never asked me if i was seeing anyone else, he never questioned me about this OM. When we seperated just last august it was his friends who pressured him into getting a PT done. In a way im glad we did, cause at least its happend before my D got old enough. at least for now she will be able to still live life like nothing happend.

 

Did you come to an agreement with your husband that you were both free to date and have sex with others during your separation? Did you tell him you were going to start dating this OM? If not then stop using the "we were separated" excuse. If not then you cheated - period.

[drifter777]

To me this isn't cheating. Is that how your husband sees it?

 

Has he spoken openly about what the crux of the problem is? Is it you, the child, other relationship issues? What is it that he thinks that you want that he can't give?

 

I would recommend that he goes to IC.

 

From what OP has said she and her now-husband were back-and-forth with their relationship and actively trying to make things work. It was not a legal separation with clear intentions to end the relationship. When you are in a committed relationship and you have sex with another person without your partners knowledge then you are cheating.

[LILLY_LOUISE]

To me this isn't cheating. Is that how your husband sees it?

 

Has he spoken openly about what the crux of the problem is? Is it you, the child, other relationship issues? What is it that he thinks that you want that he can't give?

 

I would recommend that he goes to IC.

 

 

He does believe i cheated on him, i guess its each to thier own when it comes to seperations, see we never spoke about the 'rules' or what was aloud while apart. He has said to me that its hard for him to get over it, and i've given him time over and over again, he however contacts me and we start over again (without anyone knowing). Only for him to shut me off and walk away once his friends get to him AGAIN. I feel like we do need to talk this over like mature adults and get it all out onto the tables, but how do you get someone to talk to you when they believe there is nothing to talk about?..... I know he still loves and cares for me, he has told me this time and time again. He still expects me to call him dad to my daughter, and when i dont call him daddy to her when we are around eachother he gets upset. I get the feeling he is terrably confused and doesnt know what he wants. He is the kind of person who takes on board what his friends say and i believe that is because it was his friends who told him about this other man and to get the PT done, therefore he might see them as always beeing correct?

[ver13]

He does believe i cheated on him, i guess its each to thier own when it comes to seperations, see we never spoke about the 'rules' or what was aloud while apart.

 

A. You are right seperation means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. So does having unprotected sex that results in babies, rules discussed or not your D will always be a reminder to him of what happened while you were apart. If you guy's were divorced and you got preg then decided to get back together he might be able to work around that.

 

 

He has said to me that its hard for him to get over it

 

B. If he got some woman preg while you two were seperated I think it might take you a few to get over it if you ever did at all. Give the man a break and stop being selfish you are acting like you broke the XBOX by accident and he is throwing a fit. You need to focus on you and your D first let him make up his own mind in due time. Who told you that there was a time limit to this situation that you put yourself in?

 

 

i've given him time over and over again

 

C. You haven't given him anything that he already doesn't have he has the rest of his life to work on this. Remember D, You then the man...

 

it was his friends who told him about this other man and to get the PT done, therefore he might see them as always beeing correct

 

D. And they were right to tell him that since you failed to do it first, what did you think. I'll just have unprotected sex with both of them and pick the best out of the two? Right now he can't trust a word that comes out of your mouth since you failed to let it slip out that you had intimate relations with someone while you two were apart that resulted in a baby.

 

Bottom line up front your a single parent right now and it may be that way for a few so get yourself together and looking at whats best for you and the baby.

[wanderluster]

Oh LILLY!! What a tough situation you are in?

like we discussed in my thread earlier, you have to both be in this.

He is a broken man.

It takes a lot to be able to ride on the emotional roller-coaster he will be going through, but at all times understand what he is going through,

and understand that you were the person to put him through this.

Then it will be easier to stand by him.

With a child in between it all, this makes it so much harder for you both.

Just make sure he knows where he stands, and that you deeply love and care and want to be with him.

But that's all you can do, it seems it is too much for him, and you do have to let him decide if he is willing to work through this trauma with you.

 

My husband and I separated after the infidelity, And I just made it clear that I'm not moving on, and that I wanted to work on this marriage.

I didn't bombard him with messages and calls while he was gone, but I did offer help and comfort when he needed, so just make sure you are available when he needs you. You are still the best, if not the only person he can confide in.

I don't think he is using you, I think he still loves you very much, and is just deeply hurt.

[LILLY_LOUISE]

Oh LILLY!! What a tough situation you are in?

like we discussed in my thread earlier, you have to both be in this.

He is a broken man.

It takes a lot to be able to ride on the emotional roller-coaster he will be going through, but at all times understand what he is going through,

and understand that you were the person to put him through this.

Then it will be easier to stand by him.

With a child in between it all, this makes it so much harder for you both.

Just make sure he knows where he stands, and that you deeply love and care and want to be with him.

But that's all you can do, it seems it is too much for him, and you do have to let him decide if he is willing to work through this trauma with you.

 

My husband and I separated after the infidelity, And I just made it clear that I'm not moving on, and that I wanted to work on this marriage.

I didn't bombard him with messages and calls while he was gone, but I did offer help and comfort when he needed, so just make sure you are available when he needs you. You are still the best, if not the only person he can confide in.

I don't think he is using you, I think he still loves you very much, and is just deeply hurt.

 

 

I agree, I have hurt him badly and im trying to regain his trust, im giving him space and i've told him im here when he is ready to talk. Its terrable that things have got to this point, but in all fairness its out of my hands, its up to him how he wants to deal with this and what he wants for his future.... all i can do is be here if he needs or wants to see me. He is deeply confused, he has all these unfair friends telling him to move on and forget us..... when he should be taking time out to himself to think it over! it seems that when he is on his own he calls me to talk, its when he gets advice from his friends, thats when he turns away. im not saying i dont deserve it, cause i do! He raised this OM childs for a whole year, to me Father hood is measured by the amount of love given, NOT BLOOD in some situations. However its up to him too see this not me! i have spoken to his parents and they agree that everything is worth trying for! thats coming from his family who in return still want ella in thier lives, I couldnt possibly of asked for better parents in law. I have seeked out proffessional help, and my husband knows this. Who knows whats going to happen

[drifter777]

He raised this OM childs for a whole year, to me Father hood is measured by the amount of love given, NOT BLOOD in some situations. However its up to him too see this not me!

 

I agree when the situation is that you already have a child when you met or adopt a child or things of that nature. When you wife has a kid by another man while you are married/committed then it's a lot different. You have no right to measure his "fatherhood" the way you are.

 

i have spoken to his parents and they agree that everything is worth trying for! thats coming from his family who in return still want ella in thier lives, I couldnt possibly of asked for better parents in law.

 

I'm a grand-dad and if my daughter-in-law came to me with your story I don't know how I would react. Neither of your children would be blood to me, but I wouldn't want to be cruel to them or you. I might say something like "hang in there and do the best you can - that's all you can do". Maybe she would take that as some kind of endorsement that the two of you should reconcile when that is not what I said. Anyway, his parents really are not involved in the decision and will end up supporting their son no matter what he decides.

 

If you are truly staying away from other men and giving your husband all the space he wants you may still have a chance to reconcile. Are you really sure that is what you want at this stage?

[nofool4u]

the most recent one has just happend and i dont know what to do? he has told me to move on again because he will never be able to give me what i want. i dont want to loose him again! but i dont want him to string me on. what do i do?

 

This is what infidelity does to a person. It confuses most people and they don't know what they want(referring to the BS knowing what they want).

 

What to do? Move on. Find out exactly whose baby it is, and if its your H's do right by him. If its not, don't hold your H to the letter of the law. That being that even if the baby isn't his, he, by law, is decided to be the legal parent. Don't do that to him if the baby isn't his. You find the father and hold HIS feet to the fire, not your poor husband's.

[nofool4u]

and yer the other man knows but has chosen to not have anything to do with our child.

 

So you know its the OM's child?

 

The OM knows its his child?

 

But your husband only deep down "thinks" its not his?

 

Looks like everyone knows the truth except your husband.

[nofool4u]

I did not tell the OM to have nothing to do with her, he has chosen not too know her. He is paying child support though.

 

Ok, this is all confusing. You say that your H only thinks this isn't his child, but this OM is paying child support. So I am assuming now that your H does know unless he doesn't know where this money is coming from?

[LILLY_LOUISE]

Ok, this is all confusing. You say that your H only thinks this isn't his child, but this OM is paying child support. So I am assuming now that your H does know unless he doesn't know where this money is coming from?

 

 

Ok look, when i fell pregnant i had no idea if the child was my husbands or this OM, i should of told my husband then but i didnt. when my daughter was born, we both thought she was my H! only we both werent sure (his friends were telling him otherwise). we never confronted eachother about it, only when we seperated (on other issues) that he went and done a PT with my daughter, a yr after she was born. the test confirmed that she wasnt my H, and even though we were seperated he still took her on board for a little while, then one day decided it was too much for him. we have been on and off ever since, only this time he has walked away again and im trying to seek advice on how to regain his trust, or what to say and do.... im currently not talking to him unless he contacts me. i dont talk to this OM as he has made it very clear he wants nothing to do with me or our daughter.

[LILLY_LOUISE]

Ok look, when i fell pregnant i had no idea if the child was my husbands or this OM, i should of told my husband then but i didnt. when my daughter was born, we both thought she was my H! only we both werent sure (his friends were telling him otherwise). we never confronted eachother about it, only when we seperated (on other issues) that he went and done a PT with my daughter, a yr after she was born. the test confirmed that she wasnt my H, and even though we were seperated he still took her on board for a little while, then one day decided it was too much for him. we have been on and off ever since, only this time he has walked away again and im trying to seek advice on how to regain his trust, or what to say and do.... im currently not talking to him unless he contacts me. i dont talk to this OM as he has made it very clear he wants nothing to do with me or our daughter.

 

 

We were not married at the time i fell pregs, he married me after my daughter was born.

[BetrayedH]

What she wants is, I think, a very significant question.

 

Something that has bothered me since the original post (and I may not articulate this well) is the idea that she's waiting for him to hurry up and decide. It's like she's got options she's passing up.

 

She's married. That's not supposed to be a temporary condition. You give up your single life permanently when you marry. Not understanding the nature of a commitment is what caused this problem in the first place.

 

If I caught even the slightest vibe of you having a plan B all lined-up, I'd be tempted to tell you to go right the **** ahead with getting on with your life. Doesn't sound like true remorse to me.

 

OP, if you want you husband back, you'd better stop pretending like he's an option and start acting like he's your husband for life, period. None of this, "he's had his time" business. Either fix your marriage or have the courage to admit that you're the one that doesn't have the patience to fix the problem that you created. Why is the pressure on him to hurry up and do anything? You need to be somewhere?

 

I'm not trying to be unkind. I just know that's what would be going thru my mind.

Edited February 8, 2013 by BetrayedH

[LILLY_LOUISE]

What she wants is, I think, a very significant question.

 

Something that has bothered me since the original post (and I may not articulate this well) is the idea that she's waiting for him to hurry up and decide. It's like she's got options she's passing up.

 

She's married. That's not supposed to be a temporary condition. You give up your single life permanently when you marry. Not understanding the nature of a commitment is what caused this problem in the first place.

 

If I caught even the slightest vibe of you having a plan B all lined-up, I'd be tempted to tell you to go right the **** ahead with getting on with your life. Doesn't sound like true remorse to me.

 

 

 

 

 

OP, if you want you husband back, you'd better stop pretending like he's an option and start acting like he's your husband for life, period. None of this, "he's had his time" business. Either fix your marriage or have the courage to admit that you're the one that doesn't have the patience to fix the problem that you created. Why is the pressure on him to hurry up and do anything? You need to be somewhere?

 

I'm not trying to be unkind. I just know that's what would be going thru my mind.

 

 

I can understand that it may seem like that to you, but after getting help to try and reconcile this issue, I have been told that time doesnt heal anything, in fact it just makes people grow apart. and i cant shack that saying from my head. i want to show him im here for the long hall but it kills me when im not talking to him ..... understand?

[road]

Recovery is a two to five year process of hard work.

 

What have you done to repair the broken trust?

 

Telling a BH that it is time to be healed by now only makes things worse.

 

What have you done to bring back the love for each other?

 

What have you done to insure the OM will stay NC with you the OC and your BH?

[BetrayedH]

I can understand that it may seem like that to you, but after getting help to try and reconcile this issue, I have been told that time doesnt heal anything, in fact it just makes people grow apart. and i cant shack that saying from my head. i want to show him im here for the long hall but it kills me when im not talking to him ..... understand?

 

Yes, I follow you. I definitely think that being separated is not going to help over the long haul. Distance in many cases creates detachment. And you can't bond when you're not talking. Do what you can to rectify those things. But also understand that separation is sometimes very necessary for a BS for the sake of their own sanity and to allow them to see your true remorse without being rewarded for it. To a real extent, it's a test. And if he even senses that you are half-hearted or ready to bolt, you're failing the test. If I were going to raise another man's child after this, I would want to be damn sure that my wife was committed.

 

In the meantime, I would make it clear that you are 100% committed to him and the marriage until such time as he files for divorce and the ink is dry on your papers.

 

It definitely sucks for you and it sucks big time for him. I just think you have to show him you're in this for the long haul or he's not even going to consider it.

[LILLY_LOUISE]

Recovery is a two to five year process of hard work.

 

What have you done to repair the broken trust?

 

Telling a BH that it is time to be healed by now only makes things worse.

 

What have you done to bring back the love for each other?

 

What have you done to insure the OM will stay NC with you the OC and your BH?

 

 

I have asked my H if he wanted to do MC, and he doesnt want that. i have offered him my passwords to everything, ie: FB (my proffessional account) i have deleted my personal account for good! my email passwords ect. I have asked him to take some time away with me, just the two of us... but he doesnt want to spend money, even though i offered to pay. The other man has a written agreement with my lawyers and i that he will not contact us unless our child seeks him out... then my daughter will have to see our lawyer to contact him. in all fairness it isnt her fualt and i dont want her to think that she has no choice in this matter, i just want to leave things up to her when she is old enough. is that fair to say? :/ i've also cut all ties with this OM friends. My H hates to even say his name,,, im at a loss as to what else to do but give him more time?

[LILLY_LOUISE]

Yes, I follow you. I definitely think that being separated is not going to help over the long haul. Distance in many cases creates detachment. And you can't bond when you're not talking. Do what you can to rectify those things. But also understand that separation is sometimes very necessary for a BS for the sake of their own sanity and to allow them to see your true remorse without being rewarded for it. To a real extent, it's a test. And if he even senses that you are half-hearted or ready to bolt, you're failing the test. If I were going to raise another man's child after this, I would want to be damn sure that my wife was committed.

 

In the meantime, I would make it clear that you are 100% committed to him and the marriage until such time as he files for divorce and the ink is dry on your papers.

 

It definitely sucks for you and it sucks big time for him. I just think you have to show him you're in this for the long haul or he's not even going to consider it.

 

 

I am trying, and i could try harder! im just scared that the more i try the more i oush him away and he just brushes off what i have to say (as though its all lies). just at a loss as to what else to do? id go to the end of the world for this man but how can i show him this? Just so lost...

[BetrayedH]

I am trying, and i could try harder! im just scared that the more i try the more i oush him away and he just brushes off what i have to say (as though its all lies). just at a loss as to what else to do? id go to the end of the world for this man but how can i show him this? Just so lost...

 

One quick recommendation (in case you haven't seen it) is to read the thread pinned at the top of the Infidelity page, "Things Every WS Needs to Know."

[drifter777]

I am trying, and i could try harder! im just scared that the more i try the more i oush him away and he just brushes off what i have to say (as though its all lies). just at a loss as to what else to do? id go to the end of the world for this man but how can i show him this? Just so lost...

 

I've replied a couple times on this thread but maybe today I just have a different perspective. As I read your recent posts I'm beginning to think you are pushing a rope with your continued pursuit of your husband. You are incapable of making progress unless he is willing, but you won't accept this and keep trying. He doesn't live with you anymore and it doesn't seem as though he's trying to move back. He doesn't want to go to MC. Those of us who do any research know that most BS's at least try to reconcile at first but many decide they can't or aren't willing to live with someone who has cheated. I'm betting that in the case where the WW had the OM's child the majority of BH's give it up and divorce.

 

After 4 years of holding his pain, anger, and shame inside it has finally boiled over. His real feelings finally hit him and he is now doing what he believes he should have done back then. With the constant trigger of seeing your daughter I am amazed he held it together as long as he did.

 

I think you are fighting a losing battle, but if you have any chance to reconcile I think you are going to have to go 180 with your husband. YOU file for divorce. End all contact with him unless he begs to come back and agrees to go to MC and honestly work to heal your marriage.

[LILLY_LOUISE]

I've replied a couple times on this thread but maybe today I just have a different perspective. As I read your recent posts I'm beginning to think you are pushing a rope with your continued pursuit of your husband. You are incapable of making progress unless he is willing, but you won't accept this and keep trying. He doesn't live with you anymore and it doesn't seem as though he's trying to move back. He doesn't want to go to MC. Those of us who do any research know that most BS's at least try to reconcile at first but many decide they can't or aren't willing to live with someone who has cheated. I'm betting that in the case where the WW had the OM's child the majority of BH's give it up and divorce.

 

After 4 years of holding his pain, anger, and shame inside it has finally boiled over. His real feelings finally hit him and he is now doing what he believes he should have done back then. With the constant trigger of seeing your daughter I am amazed he held it together as long as he did.

 

I think you are fighting a losing battle, but if you have any chance to reconcile I think you are going to have to go 180 with your husband. YOU file for divorce. End all contact with him unless he begs to come back and agrees to go to MC and honestly work to heal your marriage.

 

 

Thanks for the advice i saw my husband yesterday after he asked to see myslef and my daughter. I agreed at first but yesterday thought it wouldnt be fair on my daughter to see my husband, if he was just going to leave us again. when he arrived he was happy (I had dressed up in a summer dress trying to impress). The first time in a look time his first clance at me told me he was thinking how beautiful i looked . once he came inside he asked where my daughter was, i told him i had left her with my nan while he visited, needless to say he was getting upset that he couldnt see her. He said " i was looking forward to seeing the little monkey" (his nik name for her). He then told me what her had been up to with work etc, and i told him what i had been doing...... he then kissed me! i didnt want this to end up like another 'booty call'.

 

I decided to turn the tables around, and told him that i was sorry for the way things have turned out, and i gave him a letter that myslef and my sycoligest sat down to write. In the letter it had how i felt and what i want to see happen. I also state that ella is always going to come first in my life, and it also says that i will be there for my husband 100% until the devorce papers (if any) are final. I said i had to write it all down because everytime we talk, we dont always say what is needed to be said.

 

Now im pressuming he read the letter last night, he has headed out west for 2 weeks of work, im not sure if i should just leave it now and see if he contacts me, or if i should just call to see how he is going? i dont want to push the man away! when he was with me yesterday, we laughed hepas, and he even told me that his bed felt empty without me! ....... he hasnt called or texted to say he has read the letter..... so should i call to see how things are? or just let him come to me now that my intentions are clear?

[Lillyfree]

you've done the right thing, made it nice and clear where you stand and what you expect.

 

having written a letter is a good way to do it, will give him a chance to read it when on his own and he'll have time to think through things while he's on his own.

 

now, leave it. step back and let him digest all the information, and come back to you when he's ready.

[LILLY_LOUISE]

Thanks lillyfree!