LILLY_LOUISE Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Four years ago my now husband asked me to marry him, of course i said yes and things were great for a while. we had been seeing eachother for a year before hand. after we were engaged, he started to spend more time with his friends then me and to add to the pressure we had to moce in with his parents, while we worked out where we were going to live. after about 3m of begging him to spend more time with me, i got frustrated with him and told him i was falling out of love with him! of course i realise now i wasnt. however at this time i was seeing another man!..... biggest mistake of my life! My now husband and i at the time were seperated, but after asking him to sort things out with me he did, and things got back on track. i broke it off with the other man and didnt tell my now husband about him, after all it would of added more confusion into the mix. i made my choice, and i chose to be wih my now husband. however a few weeks later we found out i was pregnant! i thought the baby was his(husbands) but further down the track got the feeling she wasnt my husband. we went on living, however deep down i got the feeling he knew the baby wasnt his. after we got married, he turned back into this man who just wanted to spend all his time working and with friends, but this time i assumed it was because he couldn face our baby. we seperated again because of this, however this time we found out the truth about our baby... she wasnt his. Now we have been on and off for 6m now, none of his friends or family know we have been on and off, for all they know we have been apart. sometimes he will call me and ask to meet, and ill go rushing, he just tells me to give him time but not to see anyone else. but then the next day he will text me and tell me it was a mistake and that i should move on, then i ignore him and in four days he will do the same thing to me again! the most recent one has just happend and i dont know what to do? he has told me to move on again because he will never be able to give me what i want. i dont want to loose him again! but i dont want him to string me on. what do i do?
Lillyfree Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 does your xOM know about the child? is your husband willing to be the father figure regardless of what happens with your relationship? it seems that both of you are unsure of what you want, him especially. in the meantime, there's a child growing up in the middle of the huge mess you've created. sorry to be blunt, but there needs to be some growing up on both sides.
Author LILLY_LOUISE Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 no i agree! i did make a mistake and ill admit that, however my daughter is here and i wouldnt love her any less regardless of who is her father. he was willing to be there for her and i after we got the results, its only now that he is having second thoughts on and off all the time, i just dont know how to deal with it, and show him that he was all i wanted despite the choice i made 4 yrs ago! i dont blame him for anything, but like i said i dont want to loose him and deep down he doesnt want to loose me because he wouldnt keep coming back otherwise.... right?
Author LILLY_LOUISE Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 and yer the other man knows but has chosen to not have anything to do with our child.
Lillyfree Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 you need to sit down and have a nice, long conversation with him. you need to say, openly, what it is you're hoping for and the kind of relationship you would like to have with him. and he needs to decide what he wants to do. either stay and work on building a solid relationship and a family for your young child, or go. and most of all, you need marriage counselling. from what you've written there seems to be a huge communication problem between the two of you. 1
Author LILLY_LOUISE Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 i couldnt agree with you more, only everytime we try to talk he shuts down and tells me to move on, only for him to return. when he leaves i always contact him and ask to talk, but sometimes his answer is blunt "what is there to talk about?"..... i am currently seeing someone to try and shed some light on the matter. everyone is telling me to give him time, i feel he has had his time and he needs to make a choice, only i dont want to push him away :/
Darren Steez Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 i couldnt agree with you more, only everytime we try to talk he shuts down and tells me to move on, only for him to return. when he leaves i always contact him and ask to talk, but sometimes his answer is blunt "what is there to talk about?"..... i am currently seeing someone to try and shed some light on the matter. everyone is telling me to give him time, i feel he has had his time and he needs to make a choice, only i dont want to push him away :/ Woah there. He hasn't had his time! That's another man's child. That's forever, he can love her but it will never be his blood. It will always be a remainder that you were with someone else. As much as he may have taken you for granted by hanging with his friends, you cheated on him. Now on top of that you have a child that is not his. It takes time to deal with infidelity but now you asking him to sweep everything under the rug and be fine with everything because you feel "he's had his time" He's obviously having a hard time dealing with everything. He wants you back but then he can't deal with the betrayal and he pushes you away. If you love him then give him all the time in a the world. Take care of your baby. You can't force him to trust you, love the child or want to stay on the marriage. 8
Jonah Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Woah there. He hasn't had his time! but it will never be his blood. . I disagree on "blood" being a block. I have a pal that was the only illegitimate but by the time all was grown, he was the only son that dad trusted. Further, I would love to be a father for my step daughter. Her excuse being that I am not her dad. (she has none). Unless of course she needs something. Then I am dad for those few moments right up until I give her what she wants. Very cold and narrow minded. It does not have to be that way. A person is who a person is. Dad is dad. A POS is a POS. Bottom line. 2
stillafool Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 and yer the other man knows but has chosen to not have anything to do with our child. Did you tell this OM that he can chose to not have anything to do with his child but he still has to pay child support? I hope you told him of his financial responsibility to his child. Your H has been hurt to his core and right now he doesn't have another woman but that could change while you are separated. If that happens I don't see him taking you and your baby back. 2
stillafool Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I disagree on "blood" being a block. I have a pal that was the only illegitimate but by the time all was grown, he was the only son that dad trusted. Further, I would love to be a father for my step daughter. Her excuse being that I am not her dad. (she has none). Unless of course she needs something. Then I am dad for those few moments right up until I give her what she wants. Very cold and narrow minded. It does not have to be that way. A person is who a person is. Dad is dad. A POS is a POS. Bottom line. I would say your situation is different than what the OP's husband is experiencing. It would be different if she had the child before they married but OP's baby was conceived by another man while OP was married to her H. He more than likely resents OP and the baby.
Ninja'sHusband Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 MY wife got pregnant, possibly with another man's child (weren't sure), she miscarried a week after we found out. I was going to attempt sticking it out, but things didn't pan out for us even without an illegitimate child. That's going to be an insanely difficult thing to get past. I think you should just detach yourself, he's told you to do it multiple times. Chances are it won't work out, how could it? If it does work out by some miracle it won't be because you try to force your H to come back and just "get over it". No, probably it will be because you actually do start to move on and he decides he wants you that bad. I wouldn't count on it though. Some things in life just have huge consequences... Probably best to count your blessings and make the best of what you know you have; strive to be a better new you in the future. 3
Darren Steez Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I disagree on "blood" being a block. I have a pal that was the only illegitimate but by the time all was grown, he was the only son that dad trusted. Further, I would love to be a father for my step daughter. Her excuse being that I am not her dad. (she has none). Unless of course she needs something. Then I am dad for those few moments right up until I give her what she wants. Very cold and narrow minded. It does not have to be that way. A person is who a person is. Dad is dad. A POS is a POS. Bottom line. Of course it doesn't have to be a block for everybody. But the statement still stands it will never be his blood, and that matters a hell of a lot to some people especially if it's also the product of unfaithfulness. Whether or not he can forgive and look past it enough to take the child up as his own is another thing. But his actions show he might be struggling with that one.
ComingInHot Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 LILLY_LOUISE; Have you allowed your husband to talk to you about this? What I mean to ask is when you two have discussed the situation, have you just LISTENED? I mean REALLY listened to HIM? Without thinking things like, "but it doesn't matter whose baby it is, I want You to be the father", or "My cheating was a mistake and long ago and this little girl only knows You.", or thinking, "I know he is saying ________, but if I can get him to look at me or have sex with me or see it from My perspective... then everything will be fine"???? Listening like this is REALLY hard to do (at least for me). It takes being COMPLETELY "open & venerable" to whatever the person has to say. There is no place for "what about me" in this type of listening. There is No interrupting with "but" or "No" or "that's not it". You may not like to hear what he has to say. It may mean the end of your relationship/marriage. It could mean that he needs you to truly understand where he is right now and what it will take from You for him to consider a second chance. But that would at least be something and he would know that you really do hear him. Lilly_Louise, it sounds like what you have done so far isn't working. It's time to try something else. Listen to what he is saying to you. If he says don't call then don't call. If he then calls you, it is because he wants to tell you something. Invite him for a face to face and listen some more. Listen without an agenda and with an open heart. 2
drifter777 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 i couldnt agree with you more, only everytime we try to talk he shuts down and tells me to move on, only for him to return. when he leaves i always contact him and ask to talk, but sometimes his answer is blunt "what is there to talk about?"..... i am currently seeing someone to try and shed some light on the matter. everyone is telling me to give him time, i feel he has had his time and he needs to make a choice, only i dont want to push him away :/ You having another man's child while married to your husband is very likely a deal-breaker and you really should move on with your life. Recovery for a man whose wife cheated is insanely difficult at best but in your situation he will trigger on all the horrible memories every time he looks at the child. That's not fair to an innocent and it's up to you to do the right thing. As far as him "returning" every few days or so, that's what guys refer to as a "booty call". You can either continue begging him and being used for sex or be strong enough to see reality for what it is.
lukas Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 You having another man's child while married to your husband is very likely a deal-breaker and you really should move on with your life. Recovery for a man whose wife cheated is insanely difficult at best but in your situation he will trigger on all the horrible memories every time he looks at the child. That's not fair to an innocent and it's up to you to do the right thing. As far as him "returning" every few days or so, that's what guys refer to as a "booty call". You can either continue begging him and being used for sex or be strong enough to see reality for what it is. This is exactly what you want to think about. Very very few men would accept raising another man's child that was born during their marriage. It may be best for the two of you to go your separate ways
Author LILLY_LOUISE Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 my child was not born while we were married, i fell terribly ill while pregnant and couldnt go on with organising the wedding. He made the calls to post pone it because of this, after my child was born, we then planed for the wedding, she was 5months at the time we tied the nott.
Author LILLY_LOUISE Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Did you tell this OM that he can chose to not have anything to do with his child but he still has to pay child support? I hope you told him of his financial responsibility to his child. Your H has been hurt to his core and right now he doesn't have another woman but that could change while you are separated. If that happens I don't see him taking you and your baby back. I did not tell the OM to have nothing to do with her, he has chosen not too know her. He is paying child support though. 1
stillafool Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 So are you saying you had an affair while engaged to him and that your husband never wanted to marry you in the first place?
lukas Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 my child was not born while we were married, i fell terribly ill while pregnant and couldnt go on with organising the wedding. He made the calls to post pone it because of this, after my child was born, we then planed for the wedding, she was 5months at the time we tied the nott. Personally if I were your husband I probably would still walk away regardless when I found out the kid wasn't mine. I would not want to have to look at this child for the rest of my life and know that my wife's indiscretions led to this baby. Sure I might learn to love the child at some point, but would I be resentful? Most undoubtedly.
lukas Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Oh and I don't mean this to be a witch hunt or anything. I know you didn't set out to cause this or to try and go out of your way to deceive him. This is just the really unfortunate part of it all. I just don't see how he will be able to process this emotionally. If he can, he is a far stronger man than I.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 however at this time i was seeing another man!..... biggest mistake of my life! My now husband and i at the time were seperated, but after asking him to sort things out with me he did, and things got back on track. i broke it off with the other man and didnt tell my now husband about him, after all it would of added more confusion into the mix. i made my choice, and i chose to be wih my now husband. however a few weeks later we found out i was pregnant! i thought the baby was his(husbands) but further down the track got the feeling she wasnt my husband. we went on living, however deep down i got the feeling he knew the baby wasnt his. after we got married, he turned back into this man who just wanted to spend all his time working and with friends, but this time i assumed it was because he couldn face our baby. we seperated again because of this, however this time we found out the truth about our baby... she wasnt his. Now we have been on and off for 6m now, none of his friends or family know we have been on and off, for all they know we have been apart. sometimes he will call me and ask to meet, and ill go rushing, he just tells me to give him time but not to see anyone else. but then the next day he will text me and tell me it was a mistake and that i should move on, then i ignore him and in four days he will do the same thing to me again! the most recent one has just happend and i dont know what to do? he has told me to move on again because he will never be able to give me what i want. i dont want to loose him again! but i dont want him to string me on. what do i do? This is one big Jerry Springer-style train wreck: You cheated on your fiance You got pregnant by another man You lied about the affair You lied about the bio father You deceived/conned your fiance into marriage and fatherhood Of course he is distant. You've broken him. How did he find about the affair and child? This is important to help us understand where he is right now. I can't think of any man that would be able to handle this horrible situation. As unfair as it is to the child, that child is a trigger. I don't think that you husband can be a fully committed father for this child. If he can, then he should be canonized as a saint. From a betrayed husband's perspective, this is too eff'ed up to be fixed.
ver13 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Ms Lady, What you want right now only matters to you, your H has his own issues to work with. Sometimes when we reflect on the life choices that we have made. Looking back we can see that Shyte happens and we have to deal with it no matter what. I don't know what type of man your H is but for most of us men babies from other people while in a relationship is hard to get over. You might want to focus on what you need to do as a single mom instead of wondering what it is that your H plans to do with the rest of his life. Sometimes you do something that's so out there that you really don't want the other person to pretend that they got your back. Because at the end of the day they don't, how could they after something like this. Your H doesn't have to choose anything right now it's up to you to look at what is best for you and your D. That baby doesn't need to go through some of the games that you two are going to play. She doesn't know why something is wrong but she can feel it. The time to worry about your H is over that ship left port when the paternaty test came back and he wasn't responsible for getting you preg. Stop the drama for your D sake and start working your single mom plan to the fullest and leave that man alone. If he wants to be involved he will get involved. 1
lukas Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 You lied about the bio father I don't think she actually lied. From what she said she didn't know but suspected. I do think she should have been honest about her indiscretions and doubts about the paternity though. That would have saved a lot of trouble and caused everyone a lot less grief. 1
Author LILLY_LOUISE Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 So are you saying you had an affair while engaged to him and that your husband never wanted to marry you in the first place? No he wanted to get married and so did I, we had talked about the marriage the intire time i was pregnant, it was himself along with his and my family to beg me to post pone the wedding because i was so sick at the time. after my girl was born, we both picked up the slack and got back onto organizing the day. He took most of the planing on himself while i looked after 'our child'. you have to understand that at the time i found out i was pregnant i was convinced that the child was my now husbands! everyone is helping me try to understand his point of view and yes it would SUCK, but i myslef am trying to come to terms with it all.
Author LILLY_LOUISE Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 We were seperated at the time i was seeing this other man, all his friends had told him, so he knew i was there with this OM. My husband never asked me if i was seeing anyone else, he never questioned me about this OM. When we seperated just last august it was his friends who pressured him into getting a PT done. In a way im glad we did, cause at least its happend before my D got old enough. at least for now she will be able to still live life like nothing happend.
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