Author dreaming4ever Posted August 27, 2004 Author Posted August 27, 2004 meanon, he says he CAN'T ignore it....it hurts him to see me cry, that's why he doesn't like it, cuz it makes him feel guilty when he knows he didn't do anything really bad.
meanon Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 Well then he needs to give you a cuddle and get over it. Seems to me like all he is doing is making you feel worse by making you feel guilty too. Why not both try to toughen up a bit and promise to be more understanding when you fail?
Author dreaming4ever Posted August 27, 2004 Author Posted August 27, 2004 How exactly do i go about toughening myself up?? Should I pinch myself and breathe deep breaths when I feel the tears coming or???? what?? I definitely want to try, I just don't know how. And you're completely right....he's actually manipulating ME by making me feel like I'm making him feel guilty when I'M actually the one HE is making feel guilty...lol...that makes sense right? I think so! Thanks
meanon Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 Yes! Deep breaths are good . Perspective is good too - it feels like the end of the world but..... is it really? Wait for the feeling to pass before you speak - it will. Don't worry if it doesn't work at first, you'll master it with practice but you may always be a little more sensitive than most. That's no bad thing. Do try and get your boyfriend to stop feeling got at by your tears. His response to you is counterproductive. He doesn't even get that crying makes me feel embarassed and vulnerable and I HATE it.... Keep trying to explain. Maybe you should show him this thread
Author dreaming4ever Posted August 27, 2004 Author Posted August 27, 2004 Thanks I thought of showing him this thread....but I dunno...I've written a lot of things on this site I don't want him to see. Just personal stuff u know....
lurkaholic Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 A couple of (late) thoughts. First, I know you love this guy, but he's making you cry an average of once a week, then there might be a communication problem -- like he doesn't understand how to communicate to you so as to make you not feel unloved and alone, or you don't know how to hear what he's saying in a way that doesn't make you feel stupid. I would be worried for one of my friends if she was crying every week in a relationship. As for his complaint, maybe he's upset because he feels that once you start crying, he has to go from disagreeing with you (or whatever) to comforting you, so he can't ever get his point across. So maybe you can agree that once you start crying, the argument or discussion is over for the moment, but once you get yourself together and he's finished comforting you, he can bring up whatever it was again (maybe even the next day) and make sure that he feels as if he's being heard. It might mean that you cry 3 or 4 times over one issue (I've had that happen in really rough times with an ex) but at least at the end both of you feel like you're getting something out of the discussion. Just my 2 cents...
binturong Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 I'm also a crier. If we get into even just a heated discussion and I get frustrated or upset, the tears come. Just the other week, I was standing in line at the store for an hour before I decided to leave empty handed and was so frustrated when I came home that I cried. After 6 years now, I finally got it into my fiance's head that I cry when I'm angry, frustrated, or really upset and that it's not always because of something he's done. It could be just stress related, it could be work, or it could be something stupid like standing in line for an hour. He's learned what my tolerances are and he's learned how best to deal with them. If I'm fighting with him (a real fight), we'll just take a time off from each other. If it's due to just an argument gone out of control, we drop the subject and he gives me a big hug. If it's not from anything to do with him, he tries to cheer me up (and I get lots of hugs and cuddles). It's not something YOU can change. Believe me, I've tried. It's something he needs to understand about you and he should figure out a better way of reacting to your tears.
Author dreaming4ever Posted August 28, 2004 Author Posted August 28, 2004 binturong, I cry in the same situations as you. I would've cried after leaving the store frustrated too! I got lost once and I cried b/c I had no one to help me with directions and I didn't know what to do. We definitely need to work together to figure out a way for him to react when I'm crying so that he doesn't get angry and so he just tries to UNDERSTAND. It's just so hard to explain....guys and girls are SO very different. lurkaholic, My bf and I communicate pretty well in our relationship. Better than i ever have with anyone. We tell each other if even the slightest thing is bothering each other. But he's not perfect and either am I so heated discussions happen and I cry and thus chaos ensues. Now of course b/c of all this crying makes me feel worse. But you're completely right! When we're arguing and I start crying he DOES feel a need to comfort me, yet that bugs him b/c sometimes he's angry. So he feels torn. That's why this is a problem. I dunno....I'm going to try to control my crying a bit better and pick my moments. I'm just so friggin emotional and have always been that way and I don't even know why....like I can remember being 10 and just getting through the day without crying was a struggle, but it was something I was determined to do every day and often failed. I'm just weird like that.
pretty_petal Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 What are the things that make you cry? I would find that by indentifying the main things it would help. So lets say i felt like crying when my bf raises his voice at me - i'd avoid any situation like that. If i felt like crying when he says something hurtful - next time he said something i would say that although i'm sure he didn't mean to hurt me, he did. then he would try not to say the things like that. If i felt like crying in an arguement i would avoid all arguements. I apologise dreaming4ever if i am completely off the mark. I have never been in this situation as my bf and i aren't like u or ur bf. (i'm not saying that as a bad thing. just that-obviously-we are different people). I just hope that whatever you do works and you can become a happier person and your bf could become a little more sensitive to your feelings! Good luck, love petal x
honey2005 Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 I cry when I get in a heated argument or when something really upsets me. Sometimes I will just start crying for no reason. I think it's pretty common for girls to cry and I think you boyfriend should be a little bit more supportive. If you're not doing it on purpose you're not "playing dirty".
Author dreaming4ever Posted August 29, 2004 Author Posted August 29, 2004 When do I cry? Lots of times....I dunno....when he raises his voice with me....when he makes it clear he's disappointed in something I did...when I feel stupid...when I feel frustrated...when I feel like I hate arguing with him....lots of times.....like when I feel like life is just too much sometimes. It's hard to KNOW when I cry...sometimes I just do and I never just sit there and pinpoint what made me cry. It's a reaction. Sometimes I cry without even knowing WHY I'm crying, like I'll just feel the tears well up and spill down my face. I've told my bf that sometimes I cry and I don't know why I'm crying.....ugh....it's all so complicated. What a mess!
Recommended Posts