dreaming4ever Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 I'm a really sensitive woman so sometimes I cry when I'm upset. But I don't really think there's anything wrong with that. I mean, I'd MUCH RATHER cry then bottle up my emotions and become a cold, distant person. Yet we got into a discussion last night and my boyfriend told me he wishes I could control my emotions better. He thinks that when I cry when we're talking about something or arguing or whatever that I'm "playing dirty". But I'm just being myself and reacting....how is that so bad?? Am I supposed to just turn this off? I don't want to stop being me because when I cry sometimes he happens to feel guilty. I don't do it all the time or anything, just once in a while and sometimes I can't even control it. He thinks that I cry when we're arguing so he will look like the bad guy and to evoke sympathy from him and make him feel bad when that's not it at all. What do I do about this?? I can't just stop being me for him but he won't believe me when I say I'm not MEANING to cry, it's just my reaction.
Author dreaming4ever Posted August 27, 2004 Author Posted August 27, 2004 What do you guys think of this??? What about girls?? Do you have this problem? I TRIED to tell my bf that I'm crying because I'm me and I don't cry OFTEN or anything so I don't see the problem but he says crying is not usually an appropriate reaction to the situation. I know it doesn't solve anything but...is it wrong to react that way?
tiki Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 Exactly how much do you cry? You've been dating for how long? How many times have you cried to him in the past 6 months or so?
meanon Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 No it's not playing dirty if you don't do it on purpose. On the other hand, if you cry a lot I can see how that may be tiresome I usually cry if I argue with those I love. It's a very rare occurrence, generally I am happy. As with you, it's part of who I am. In other situations I can handle a very high degree of conflict without being disturbed at all. My solution is not to argue, we discuss instead. It's not always a good thing, sometimes people need to see the emotion as well as hear what you have to say. My mother and best friend are both much more volatile than me (shouting, swearing, even throwing things are fairly common occurrences for them). My husband is generally placid but when he loses it I leave the vicinity . They have adapted their approach to me over the years as I have to them to accommodate their personalities. That's what relationships are all about. Maybe it would help if you told your bf what to do when you get upset. He clearly feels awkward. He wants to comfort you but is annoyed, God Damn it . That creates confusion for which he is blaming you. Do you prefer to call a temporary truce for a cuddle before resuming the argument? Do you want him to ignore the tears and listen to what you are saying? Be clear about what you expect.
Author dreaming4ever Posted August 27, 2004 Author Posted August 27, 2004 We've been dating for a year. I cry like once a week maybe. Sometimes he'll just say something that I take as very hurtful even if he doesn't mean it that way and the tears come. Like for an example, he doesn't like PDA's too much but sometimes it's ok and one time we were at the movie theatre and during the movie I rested my head on his shoulder and he shrugged me off and pushed me away...so that hurt and a few tears fell and I felt awful and unloved. Other times....um....like once he yelled at me cuz I'm not very good at remembering directions so he was just expressing his disappointment in me over that and that made me upset so I cried. But it's not like when I break a nail or something. I'm definitely NOT doing it on purpose....I just don't know how I'm supposed to refrain from crying when it comes to me automatically. The main reason my bf hates it is because he thinks that I'm crying to make him feel guilty for something he said in the argument or whatever...when that's not it at all!! I can't tell him to ignore the tears and listen to what I'm saying cuz the tears make him feel like he's done something wrong. I've even told him that most of the time I can't control when I cry or when I don't, it just happens. But he thinks they're crocadile tears...the girl who cried wolf....
tiki Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 Ok you've been dating for one year, crying approximately once a week. Um, that's 52 times if my mathematics are correct. That's a bit much, eh? I hate for someone to see me cry, I hate to cry. But when I do cry, you better know something's wrong. Choose your battles. Try and be more selective with your crying spells. Imagine if you've seen him cry over 50 times. It may freak you out too.
Author dreaming4ever Posted August 27, 2004 Author Posted August 27, 2004 You're making it sound like I cry on purpose!! Ok maybe I've only cried once every 2 weeks...sometimes once a month. It depends on what's going on. I've seen him cry twice.
CurlyIam Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 I don't live with my bf, so as we don't see eachother all that much, we don't argue that much. Of course, sometimes we do get into fights and the worst that it gets is when he sometimes says cruel things to me. Of course I hurt a lot and as I hate crying in front of him, I don't speak. I am just so angry and afraid I'll actually say all the things thet get me mad that I cannot speak. And it drives him wild, but I cannot help it. I need to clear my thoughts and then I show him calmy just how he hurt me. And after I do that, after I let it go, I cannot help but crying a bit. I hate it ! It's so strange as we've never had a real fight so far... but I do admit he has a tremendous ability of hurting me. And I cannot hurt him back just to get even... I'm the type that buids up things inside, as I'm too nice to say it all at their due time. Dreaming, how do you feel when you cry? Is it just letting go? Or do you feel vulnerable to him? This the part that I hate, the power that he does have upon me. It is normal, as we are inlove, but it should never ever be about dominating the other person. Girl, he is just mean to say that you use the tears in an argument. He has no idea how his words hurt you, you are a woman, gor crying out loud ! Tell him to date Arnold should he want a rock! And if he hates that you cry, then he should stop making you cry. He should understand that this is just how you react in stressful situations and Respect that, not consider it a trick to win a fight. Tell him that women are smarter than that and he shoud think more of what his words do to you, as once a week, even if you do cry easily, it is a lot . If I feel that I'm about to cry, I just go to the toilet and wash my face with cold water. 'Cause worst things that one person can say to another one are not on a high not!!!
Author dreaming4ever Posted August 27, 2004 Author Posted August 27, 2004 How do I feel like when I cry? I feel like a complete idiot. Like I'm all alone in the world and no one understands me. I feel like my bf doesn't get me and it makes me even sadder when he gets mad that I'm crying because it's like he's not allowing me to be me. Like he's trying to control me or something. Like I'm unlovable. Even worse it reminds me of when I was a child cuz I can remember crying in the car when I was a little kid and got into trouble or was yelled at...and I can remember my father saying "STOP CRYING RIGHT NOW OR I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!" That was the worst. Like since when is it not ok for something to show the emotion they are feeling?
Artifact Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 When my hormones are out of whack I cry A LOT more. Are you on birth control? As long as I can remember about once a month I find myself crying- whether it be something that has upset me, something I find incredibly beautiful, or something I see that is sad. This tips me off that I'm about to get my period, before I look at a calendar. Sometimes it is either my dad or fiance who ask me if I am PMSing. (Sometimes the crying comes along with agitation )
Author dreaming4ever Posted August 27, 2004 Author Posted August 27, 2004 Oh ya....also...about how he has no idea how his words hurt me...he says I shouldn't be so sensitive and take things so personally. But how are you SUPPOSED to take words if not personally? My bf is the ONE person I love more than anyone else in the world....so what he thinks of me matters a LOT to me!! So of course I'm going to cry if he thinks I'm being stupid or an idiot or something. *sigh* even talking about this makes me want to cry. I don't know how to control it. Also....I DO hide it sometimes from him...he's just too smart. If I turn away or something or pretend I'm having a nap he'll reach over and touch my face near my eye and say "you're crying aren't you?"
Artifact Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 And I am like you in that someone telling me to stop crying brings it on harder... good luck. Maybe your boyfriend can begin to handle it better. His understanding may even ease up the crying.
Author dreaming4ever Posted August 27, 2004 Author Posted August 27, 2004 No I'm not on birth control but I'm going on it next month....and yes I THINK I notice I cry more around my period but not always....I just wish my bf would understand sometimes girls just NEED to cry. Maybe boys and men are repressed and taught from an early age it shows weakness to cry in front of others but I'm not like that. If something hurts me I cry!
tiki Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 Well, he doesn't exactly sound like he caters to your needs. Maybe you need someone more on your wavelength? Someone that caters to you? I was taught in a relationship class that when you see a loved-one cry, to drop everything and cater to THEIR needs. That if they are crying, it's bad. Also, on a communication issue...I learned to say: When you do X, it makes me feel Z. This way, it's not an attack where he automatically gets defensive. It's a soft way of stating the point in which you need to get across.
Artifact Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 It's true, a lot of guys I know hardly cry. In fact, the last time I saw my dad cry, I thought he was laughing at first. His face was all red and squished up- like he couldn't breathe. Then I saw tears. Maybe the pill will regulate your emotions some then... in the meantime, work on your boyfriend
Author dreaming4ever Posted August 27, 2004 Author Posted August 27, 2004 I would never even think of breaking up with my bf over this. But I just wish he would understand I'm a woman who is emotional...and accept that. I don't want him to "cater to my needs"...I just want him to understand that's what I do when I'm sad or upset. It just doesn't seem to be getting through. If I say to him "When you do X, it makes me feel Y"....that's like directly blaming him for me crying! I can't do that....he'll feel so guilty!
snilljente Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 I say we should be allowed to cry if we want to cry, if it is genuine...I consider myself to be a "strong" person, but if someone that I care about hurts me, I may cry....i.e. a guy that I was dating that I really cared about suddenly disappeared, stop returning my calls, and I found out via my hairdresser that he was seeing someone else....We had been together 24/7 and even though we hadn't dated long (a couple of months), I knew at the age of 35, that he was going to be someone special in my life...I cried everyday for three weeks straight when I found out what was really going...alot of the hurt was due to the fact that he chose to be secretive about what he was really up to...I think that this made it more painful..BUT, I think that if a person feels genuinely like crying, they should...I personally can't make myself cry, or make myself stop if I am crying...."fake" crying to manipulate is wrong on the other hand...
Author dreaming4ever Posted August 27, 2004 Author Posted August 27, 2004 How exactly am I supposed to "work on my boyfriend"?? How do I get him to understand where I'm coming from? He doesn't even get that crying makes me feel embarassed and vulnerable and I HATE it....
Author dreaming4ever Posted August 27, 2004 Author Posted August 27, 2004 I've never once "fake" cried.
snilljente Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 I should clarify that I had asked him several times if he wanted to break up and he said no, that we would be together after he dealt with some personal problems...he was deceitful...it wasn't just a case of being blown off. So I say cry! '
meanon Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 Also....I DO hide it sometimes from him...he's just too smart. If I turn away or something or pretend I'm having a nap he'll reach over and touch my face near my eye and say "you're crying aren't you?" Is he your first boyfriend? How old are you?
tiki Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 They do have blood tests for hormones if you think they are out of wack. Once a week crying and they might be a little high, but once a month crying, that's probably normal. And maybe you're just going through a rough spot in your life. We all have those and are entitled to those. Next time he starts crying, tell him he's playing dirty. See how he likes the statement.
Author dreaming4ever Posted August 27, 2004 Author Posted August 27, 2004 meanon, Why are you mad?? I'm 24 and no this is NOT my first boyfriend.
Author dreaming4ever Posted August 27, 2004 Author Posted August 27, 2004 tikibrandy, That won't work...the only 2 times he's cried have been 5 years ago when I broke up with him and last March when he broke up with me....so it happens only with him when it's something major.
meanon Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 LOL! I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at him. If it makes him feel uncomfortable why doesn't he ignore it if you are trying to hide it? He wants to make an issue out of it. That's mean. I hope he has lots of amazing qualities to compensate, that he is really kind and loving to you the rest of the time
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