green333 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 So, long story short, I was involved with a guy for almost two years. He came on super-strong at the beginning, saying sweet things and talking about how he wanted "something serious." Of course, he also texted me things he'd never say in person, like, "What color panties are you wearing?" Soon, our dates turned into him inviting me over to his place. I NEVER had sex with him, but it become impossible to get him to stop texting about sex and what sexual favors I'd be willing to do for him or he'd be willing to do for me. Eventually, he said he only wanted me for dirty reasons and told me about the girls he'd "*ucked" and how they were only alright because he was the one doing most of the work. I mean, I was pretty shocked. In person, he'd be such a sweet gentleman, but sometimes he'd say stuff like, "Shut your mouth" or "You wanna suck it?" He also stonewalled me for weeks before we contacted each other again. He'd tell me about how he's cut off friends and stopped talking to family members, even. He doesn't seem to have a high opinion of most of his current friends. So I hear from a mutual friend that he's dating someone now. They're not in an official relationship yet, but this woman is a doctor who's pretty well off. He hasn't even graduated college yet (although that's something he might not have revealed to her), though he is employed. Pictures of them are popping up, and it looks like he's been spending nights at her loft (obviously doing the hanky panky, too ). He's sending her flowers and all this sweet stuff he never did with me (though maybe that's because I never had sex with him?). My question is do guys like this change? He pretty much broke my heart. Was he a player? And is he still playing the game now? For reference, he's in his late twenties.
stevie_23 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Oh wow. Well…you’re lucky this guy is now with someone else because frankly? He seems to absolutely SUCK. Not only does he lack respect for his friends and for you as his partner (when you were. Not now), but he seems PROUD of how poorly he treats people. Maybe he’s a very insecure and scared person and feels the need to use this sort of behaviour as a way of maintaining some sort of power over people. He’s rude in terms of sexual and intimate things, he’s bluntly and unnecessarily hurtful to you when he told you he only wanted you for that purpose, and he brags about dropping his friends. STAY AWAY FROM HIM! 1
Author green333 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 STAY AWAY FROM HIM! Thanks for the advice, stevie_23! There's still so much doubt I'm dealing with, and I guess he's manipulated me into confusion. Our mutual friend never thought he seemed like the type for flings, but my story has thrown her into confusion about him, too, lol. When I hear about how sweetly he's treating this new woman, I get into shaky territory. I'm guessing you don't think he's changed at all?
Sugarkane Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 From what I've experienced so far they don't change. They just seem to move onto someone who will put up with their lies and BS. They just want someone to blow smoke up their bum and stroke their ego. 1
LostOne1 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Not sure why a Girl would want a guy back like that? I know for me I respect the girls I've gone out with and never pushed any girl towards sex. I mean I'm not dating someone for sex, but rather to find someone I can share life's good and bad moments with! Sex is just a way for us to be closer, but I never pressure a girl. So from what I can see he doesn't respect you and if he doesn't respect you he will treat you like ****. He will use you till there is nothing left of you and then he will move on to someone new.
Ladybugz Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Why do u worry about such a *******. He showed you from the first text about sex what he think of you. Not as a gf .but as sex buddy. I think you need to move on and he is sick and have to get better Before dating any woman
Author green333 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 I'm caught up with this issue, I think, because--LUCKY ME--this was my first relationship-ish experience. Yay. Eventually, I grew to care about him because he made such a good impression. He was sweet and well-mannered, etc. We even had a talk where he said he'd wait until I was ready, but just a week later, he began those overly sexual texts. I know that loads of people are having sex on the third date now, but if a guy meets a girl who wants to take things slower, will he just lose interest? Was I the weird one? But even if he lost interest, why would he still keep trying to get in my pants and start disrespecting me? It looks like he's wining and dining this new woman now, but they've obviously had sex. Are there guys who deem a woman worthy to date only after they've had amazing sex? He seems to have slept with some women who were only alright in bed and never pursued them after. Right now, it SEEMS like he's still pursuing this woman, so I'm going to assume the bed action is pretty good in his book. Or is he the type of person who confuses lust with love? He did come on strongly with me at the beginning, texting me that he missed me and wanted to see me whenever I was free--and this was after the second date, which threw me off. Do guys come on that strongly after only seeing someone twice in the span of two weeks? Or is he simply a womanizer and player for life?
flitzanu Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 answering your title, no. people don't change, especially not into brand new people. 1
KatZee Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 He sounds disgusting, but to be fair, he didn't lie to you. He tried to sweet talk you but then was admitting he only used people for sex, and was trying to get it out of you. He didn't even work for it like he's doing for this doctor he's dating. (flowers, etc.) Bullet dodged. And no he's not going to change. Why would he? He's got a pretty sweet deal. Sex when he wants, and plenty of women ready and willing to fall for his BS.
Author green333 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 He sounds disgusting, but to be fair, he didn't lie to you. He tried to sweet talk you but then was admitting he only used people for sex, and was trying to get it out of you. He didn't even work for it like he's doing for this doctor he's dating. (flowers, etc.) Bullet dodged. And no he's not going to change. Why would he? He's got a pretty sweet deal. Sex when he wants, and plenty of women ready and willing to fall for his BS. Yes, he never lied to me, but he did lead me on for the first month and a half, which I must admit is quite a while for a player to hang on. He admitted that he wanted ME for "dirty reasons," and apparently his hook-ups with women before were also for the same reasons. He did mention exes to me, so how does a guy who normally doesn't have to work for sex with multiple women choose to be in a relationship with one? Why is he working for it with the new woman now?
Simon Phoenix Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 If he is going to change, it's not going to be with you. I mean, he acts like an ass to you yet you for whatever reason still want him. Why would he change with you? He doesn't have to.
Hopeful714 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 This guy sounds like a d-bag. Certainly they like the multiple women but something about this new one struck his fancy that he "appears" to be "working" for it now. Chances are he sees her of great value for one reason or another and maybe a bit difficult to "reel in?" He's most likely thinking wow an immature d-bag like myself can get this doctor? Don't be fooled with this type. Once she's hooked is when he will revert back to himself and his usual tactics. I swear I can't believe the shi* some of these guys pull....but then again, as long as there's women to eat it, they will certainly continue to dish it out.
stevie_23 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Some further thoughts… You said he was nice and impressive to you at first? Well, I assume he’s doing the same thing with the new girl he’s with. You view this as “Why is he so good to her? He must’ve changed.” , but I guess it’s more to do with how he behaves early in a relationship being much better than how he behaves later, when he gets comfortable and/or complacent. Also, yes, people can change, but I don’t think he will. It just seems like this is the person he is and he’ll most likely remain the same. If he DOES change, (1) it will probably take a very long time (like if he grows up gradually, or if something happens to him that changes his whole outlook on things and the way he treats people) but it wouldn’t happen just like that – he leaves you, then meets someone else and SNAP! He’s changed. No way. (2) even if he HAS changed just like that, if he DID go back to you (and you shouldn’t want that. He didn’t treat you well at all), he would be the same as he always was. He is a certain person with you, and even if he’s a different person with someone else, it’d be very hard for him to change who he is with YOU.
Author green333 Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 Thanks for all the words of wisdom, everyone! It really means a lot, and I'm confident when I say that I'm putting this behind me and moving on each and every day. Bottom line is I DON'T want to get back with him, but I didn't want to believe that people have ulterior motives. The fact is he knew it was my first venture into relationships, and he should have known and been mature enough to treat me considerately. I have to admit that he's the most complicated person I've ever met, and that was probably what intrigued me in the first place. Not to mention, I studied psychology in college, and some part of me wanted to really know where he was coming from and what made him this way. Except I got hurt in the process. I just hope that the new girl he's with realizes him for who he really is, but I guess it's not my job to worry about that. Also, going back to what Hopeful714 said, girls eat up BS from guys because they want to believe in a person's goodness and think that maybe he's just always been misunderstood. The whole "I can change him, I can understand him" mentality. Plus, I've realized that once a guy makes a good first impression, a girl is more accepting of the BS he consequently pulls because first impressions are pretty hard to let go of.
stevie_23 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 That's true. If the first impressions / early days are good, then any subsequent crap / bad times will be attempted to be justified, explained and understood by the partner because everything is based on those early impressions. If the early impression is good, then everything after that doesn't fit with that impression doesn't make sense, so it can't be true or accurate. Very rarely does anyone ever work backwards and realise sooner rather than later that the early days may have been the stuff that wasn't true or accurate.
Sugarkane Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 I've been sweet talked and lied too before. Not one of those guys has changed yet.
stevie_23 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 It kind of depends why they behave the way they do. Do they sweet talk and lie and present a false exterior at first because it gets them the girl they want? (and why DO they want the girl in the first place if they don't care or respect them? I'd understand doing this sort of thing just for sex and fun, but why then stay in a relationship for any length of time?) Do they feel if they showed their true flawed and insecure selves, that nobody would like them so they present a front and then when it falls away due to lack of effort, they don't care because by now their girl is in love and they're confident she won't leave? Meh.
Author green333 Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 (edited) It kind of depends why they behave the way they do. Do they sweet talk and lie and present a false exterior at first because it gets them the girl they want? (and why DO they want the girl in the first place if they don't care or respect them? I'd understand doing this sort of thing just for sex and fun, but why then stay in a relationship for any length of time?) Do they feel if they showed their true flawed and insecure selves, that nobody would like them so they present a front and then when it falls away due to lack of effort, they don't care because by now their girl is in love and they're confident she won't leave? Meh. I do believe that the second possibility applies to some guys out there. The guy who's the subject of this thread is normally pretty meek and quiet around his friends and in public. Yes, he'll talk about how much a friend is a jerk or annoying behind their backs, but when he's around them, he is very nice and respectful. As for the first possibility, I've been thinking about that myself. It could be that the guy who's out for sex isn't satisfied with just a one-night-stand (although he certainly wouldn't refuse it with a girl who wants to). Some guys feed off of romance--even if it is fake--in addition to getting the girl. I've read a lot about how it's actually NOT true that guys only want sex, but after knowing this guy, I'd have to disagree. He seriously wanted JUST sex, and since he asked me a bunch of questions about whether I'd be willing to do different sexual acts with him, I'm guessing he's not satisfied with good sex. He wants, like, EXTREME sex, lol. Which is probably why he ditched the girls who were just "alright" and made him do most of the work. So I can only guess that he's found this new woman, and she's up for anything in bed, and maybe they have amazing sex. Plus, she's a doctor--SCORE. He's probably going to milk her for all she's got until he gets tired or feels an emotional bond creeping up. (I might be completely wrong about him, but the way he's acted toward me seriously makes him seem like a womanizer douchebag.) He told me about some of his past relationships, and he's broken up with a girl after 6 months because he "wasn't feeling it anymore." I don't know, but 6 months is usually when you start to get serious and develop a bond with someone. So I do believe some guys who are out for sex will enter into a relationship (that's built on foundations that are completely wrong) with a woman who's really good in bed. If she's also successful and well-off, even better. The worst-case scenario would be he actually keeps this woman, marries her (for the money and sex), then lives a secret life of sleeping around with lots of other women on the side. The most disturbing thing is, besides annoyance and brief flashes of happiness, it almost was like he never actually FELT anything. Edited February 6, 2013 by green333
Author green333 Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 Great. Now he's cooking for her. I'm really conflicted, guys. Is this a classic player/womanizer at work? GAH, this is confusing. Help!
Simon Phoenix Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Great. Now he's cooking for her. I'm really conflicted, guys. Is this a classic player/womanizer at work? GAH, this is confusing. Help! Who cares? It does not matter. How he treats other women has nothing to do with you. What matters is how he treated you. And he treated you like crap.
A n t h o n y Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I think the bigger question here honestly is do women ever realize that douches will always be douches. My Ex left me, went back to her abusive tool of an Ex here recently after she told me how much she hated him for what he to her blah blah blah. she will never go back to that blah blah blah but oh boy he shows back up and all of a sudden he's a saint.
Author green333 Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 I think the bigger question here honestly is do women ever realize that douches will always be douches. My Ex left me, went back to her abusive tool of an Ex here recently after she told me how much she hated him for what he to her blah blah blah. she will never go back to that blah blah blah but oh boy he shows back up and all of a sudden he's a saint. Is he still an abusive douche? Yes, the bottom line is he didn't treat me well, and I will never consider getting back with him. BUT...I guess it's a question of human nature. I didn't decide to join the dating world until now because I chose to concentrate on other things, and now it feels like everyone's miles ahead of me. If what everyone says on here is true, and he's always going to be the same crappy guy, then what is he motivated by? Are some men purely motivated to pull out all the stops for a woman because of sex and money? He hurt me more than anyone in my life, and I'm just having a hard time trusting any other guy who comes along. I want to be with someone good, and if I thought he was good when he turned out to be so horrible, then I can't trust my own judgement. I feel like he's ruined me. He knew how much I trusted him, and he CHOSE to manipulate me anyway.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Why do you care what this guy is motivated by? That's an absolute waste of your time. Turn the page. As far as dating again, after dating a douche like this, you should have picked up on some red flags from him, stuff that he did that you hated. So remember them and move on when you meet other guys that do those things. This guy will only ruin you if you allow him to ruin you. And the more you focus on irrelevant things in his life, the more you'll be ruined.
Author green333 Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 Why do you care what this guy is motivated by? That's an absolute waste of your time. Turn the page. As far as dating again, after dating a douche like this, you should have picked up on some red flags from him, stuff that he did that you hated. So remember them and move on when you meet other guys that do those things. This guy will only ruin you if you allow him to ruin you. And the more you focus on irrelevant things in his life, the more you'll be ruined. I did pick up some red flags early on, which is why I told him I wanted to take things slowly because he was coming on pretty strong (willing to drop everything just to drive a long distance to see me for a little while, missing me after we'd only seen each other twice, etc.). Well, it seems like this new girl is letting him come onto her, and everything's hunky dory. Should I have swooned and succumbed to his advances? Everything I've learned about men and relationships while growing up has been turned upside down by this experience, and I just need some advice and preparation so it won't happen again. Do people move that fast now? Like, second/third date sex, followed immediately by spending loads of time together, cooking dinner for the lady, sending her flowers, etc.? In just the span of a seeing each other a couple of times over the course of a few weeks, how do people establish a real emotional connection and foundation for a meaningful relationship?
Simon Phoenix Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 How he treats her has nothing to do with how he treats you. At all. How this guy acts has nothing to do with how the next man you'll meet acts, and he'll have nothing to do with the man after that. What you need to do is find out what you want. Not what your ex wants. Not what society wants. Not what your friends want. What you want. And go for that. And stop snooping/paying attention to what your ex is doing with other women. That's a complete waste of your time. Stop that now!
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