Parkka Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Well lets start out by saying my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years now. In the beginning he used to tell me things like I don't need porn I have you, and sex was ok it's was great for him but he's not so good in the sack. Well now that we've been together for 4 years we still have sex at least 4-5 times a week and I am very open to things if he wants to try it ill do it no matter how weird it may seem to me I put my game face on and do what my man needs me to. I'm a good girlfriend I don't cheat or flirt. Well one day on his computer I searched and all this porn popped up and I didn't think anything about it and for some reason my stupid fingers couldn't help but look at the history and there was all kinds of porn. I felt my heart drop and sick to my stomach when I confronted him he said he wasn't happy with our sex life I wasn't giving it to him enough. Well I begged him to please stop that it made me feel really uncomfortable and I would do anything he wanted just to not look at it anymore, well long story short he continued to look and we had this fight about 3 more times and I finally told him be smart about it don't do it when I'm home (bc he did it while he was laying in bed next to me on his phone and while I was in the bath tub he was looking at porn instead of me). And to be smart enough to delete his history. I told him those were my 2 rules that if he needed to look just show me that respect and if I found it again I'd make him choose. Well I did find it again and I told him to pick either me or the porn and he got really mad at me and he told me he wasn't going to stop looking period. That he guesses we were just going to break up because he has always looked at porn and would never stop. It obviously broke my heart to hear this and I love him so it's hard for me to leave him not to mention we have 3 kids together. So I guess I'm just wondering what some of your opinions are and what you guys think I should do? I can't talk to my friends or family because its to embarrassing. Hey mom my bf would rather look at porn then care if he breaks my heart doesn't really work as a dinner convo... So if you guys could give me a little input is appreciate it! Should I leave him, is it normal, how do I get over it? I just feel like he's cheating on me with these porn wh**es and its making me resent him not to mention making me think about having relations with someone else just bc he's turned me off so much. I know that's not right but just being honest.
CarrieT Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 You said this: we still have sex at least 4-5 times a week Which indicates he is not choosing porn OVER you. And porn is quite normal. I think you are over reacting.
jlindemann Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I had an issue where I felt like my bf wasnt respecting my feelings on something (not porn). So in that aspect, I know how you feel. It was an issue weeventually worked out. I dont get upset when my bf watches porn. I do too. On a rare occassion, we will watch together. Ive never been one to get jealous or insecure about porn though, so im sorry I cant help you there.
dannyt Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 It's normal. If you guys are still having sex then nothing to worry about. If he stops having sex and just starts paying attention to that than you have something to worry about. If not, its fine! 3
BetheButterfly Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Well lets start out by saying my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years now. In the beginning he used to tell me things like I don't need porn I have you, and sex was ok it's was great for him but he's not so good in the sack. Well now that we've been together for 4 years we still have sex at least 4-5 times a week and I am very open to things if he wants to try it ill do it no matter how weird it may seem to me I put my game face on and do what my man needs me to. I'm a good girlfriend I don't cheat or flirt. Well one day on his computer I searched and all this porn popped up and I didn't think anything about it and for some reason my stupid fingers couldn't help but look at the history and there was all kinds of porn. I felt my heart drop and sick to my stomach when I confronted him he said he wasn't happy with our sex life I wasn't giving it to him enough. Well I begged him to please stop that it made me feel really uncomfortable and I would do anything he wanted just to not look at it anymore, well long story short he continued to look and we had this fight about 3 more times and I finally told him be smart about it don't do it when I'm home (bc he did it while he was laying in bed next to me on his phone and while I was in the bath tub he was looking at porn instead of me). And to be smart enough to delete his history. I told him those were my 2 rules that if he needed to look just show me that respect and if I found it again I'd make him choose. Well I did find it again and I told him to pick either me or the porn and he got really mad at me and he told me he wasn't going to stop looking period. That he guesses we were just going to break up because he has always looked at porn and would never stop. It obviously broke my heart to hear this and I love him so it's hard for me to leave him not to mention we have 3 kids together. So I guess I'm just wondering what some of your opinions are and what you guys think I should do? I can't talk to my friends or family because its to embarrassing. Hey mom my bf would rather look at porn then care if he breaks my heart doesn't really work as a dinner convo... So if you guys could give me a little input is appreciate it! Should I leave him, is it normal, how do I get over it? I just feel like he's cheating on me with these porn wh**es and its making me resent him not to mention making me think about having relations with someone else just bc he's turned me off so much. I know that's not right but just being honest. Hi Parkka, Around 30 years ago, it really hurt my Mom when she found out my Dad was addicted to porn and masturbating to it. He had gotten addicted when he was a boy, due to finding a magazine (not in his house). Because he loved my Mom, he promised to stop but had a hard time stopping. After he had daughters, that's when he realized that every woman in porn is the daughter of someone, and realized how degrading porn is to women, and he stopped. He went to support groups to help free himself from this addiction. There are also support groups for women who suffer from the men they love being addicted to porn. It would be good to see if there's a support group in your area. I understand why it hurts you. To some people (though not to all people) lusting after another person's body is cheating. It's not at all your fault that it hurts you for the person you love to lust after another person and masturbate through fantasying of having sex with someone that's not you. Again, it would be good to find a support group for ladies whose boyfriends/husbands are addicted to porn, because it is a painful experience that many ladies go through in this day and age.
BetheButterfly Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Good, no grown man should bow to the demands of anyone. It has nothing to do with choosing porn over you, it's displaying testicular fortitude to not allow himself to be controlled by you. It's a matter of principle. I am so glad my Dad loves my Mom and unselfishly and lovingly renounced porn because he did not want to emotionally hurt my Mom anymore and because he did not want to participate in what he believes (and I believe too) degrades women. They have been married for 38 years now are love each other just as much as they did when they got married at 18 years old. They are great role models to my sisters and me, as well as their sons-in-law. They are also wonderful members of the community and my Dad can be counted on for helping whoever he can. He is honest and caring and has an awesome heart. I love and respect him and am so grateful that he is my Dad. If he is not "masculine" enough to you, I don't care. What I care about is how he helps others and the love that leads him. Love is stronger than "testicular fortitude" and does not allow others to control, but rather gives and cares about the feelings and wellbeing of others. While he most definitely had the "testicular fortitude" to produce offspring, that is not what kept his family together. What keeps our family together is Love. My Dad is a great role model of Love. Even though he's not perfect, the Love he has for my Mom, for us, and for others is clearly seen. 2
BetheButterfly Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Right, as long as he bows to the insecurities of your mother. Love takes into consideration the feelings of the beloved. 4
pteromom Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 When you are in a relationship, it's not a competition. It's not about a winner and loser, or "bowing to someone's insecurities". It's about growing together and making each other's needs a priority. Personally, I don't think porn is evil or get jealous of it. But the OP doesn't like it. OP, here's the deal. You and your boyfriend have different values about porn. He doesn't see the big deal about it, so he is never going to stop viewing it. The real issue is that he thinks your sex life is bad, and that you aren't giving it to him enough. This FEEDS your insecurities about the porn, because now, the porn is meeting a need you feel you aren't meeting. You also say he isn't great in the sack. So you need to talk to your boyfriend about fixing what's bad about your sex life, NOT about trying to control his porn use. What would make sex better for him? Is it something you are willing to try? Is there anything he can do/say to make it better for you? THIS is what you need to focus on. I think if you can fix the sex issue in your marriage, the porn issue will kinda just fade away. 5
BetheButterfly Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 When you are in a relationship, it's not a competition. It's not about a winner and loser, or "bowing to someone's insecurities". It's about growing together and making each other's needs a priority. Personally, I don't think porn is evil or get jealous of it. But the OP doesn't like it. OP, here's the deal. You and your boyfriend have different values about porn. He doesn't see the big deal about it, so he is never going to stop viewing it. The real issue is that he thinks your sex life is bad, and that you aren't giving it to him enough. This FEEDS your insecurities about the porn, because now, the porn is meeting a need you feel you aren't meeting. You also say he isn't great in the sack. So you need to talk to your boyfriend about fixing what's bad about your sex life, NOT about trying to control his porn use. What would make sex better for him? Is it something you are willing to try? Is there anything he can do/say to make it better for you? THIS is what you need to focus on. I think if you can fix the sex issue in your marriage, the porn issue will kinda just fade away. I do think porn is sexual exploitation (I think exploitation is evil) and masturbating/lusting after another person's body is cheating (I think cheating is evil too), but I agree very much with the very helpful advice in your post. I love this quote of yours, "When you are in a relationship, it's not a competition. It's not about a winner and loser, or "bowing to someone's insecurities". It's about growing together and making each other's needs a priority." Can I make it my signature please??? 2
Phoebe Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 It sounds to me like your husband is addicted to porn, and regardless of how many times the two of you have sex he is choosing porn over you. I had a similar problem with my ex-husband, although he wasn't just looking at porn but also prostitute websites. I didn't have a problem with him looking at porn at the beginning and I had told him I had no problem with him going to strippers with friends (even though at the time he said he would rather be with me), it was only after I discovered that he visited a prostitute that I started keeping an eye on his internet use. Up until a year after his infidelity I tried to make things work with him, I asked him three seperate times to attend marriage counselling with me - he told me that he was happy but I could go if I wanted to. I cried and told him that porn was destroying our marriage - he told me that he liked it, it wasn't hurting anyone, that I should know he wouldn't visit another prostitute and that if I didn't like it I shouldn't check up on him online. I left him and it's been one of the best decisions I ever made. I understand your feeling of shame, but you have nothing to feel ashamed about. You have tried with your husband, being open to things that you consider weird just to try and please him. I bet he doesn't put half the effort into it with you if after 4 years you still don't consider him good in the bedroom. In my personal opinion when you watch too much porn then it can warp your mind about what a healthy sex life is. You seem concerned about the kind of porn that he is watching too. Porn in itself is not necessarily bad, and it can have it's place in a healthy relationship. However, just like alcohol though it can be fun in moderation once someone comes to depend on it, to need it. When it is negatively effecting someone's life and relationships then yeah there's a problem. You have to decide what you are willing to live with. If he is addicted to porn (which is my suspicion based on what you write here), then he will only change if he wants to...and he doesn't want to. So are you willing to say ok this is the way the rest of my life is going to be. He has the right to say that he is not going to stop looking at porn no matter how much it hurts you. But you also have the right to say that you deserve better than someone who cares nothing for your feelings on the matter. Whatever you do don't get involved with someone else while you are still with your husband. You're hurting now, but you will just cause yourself more pain and confusion by going down that road. Good luck, I hope things get better for you.
Mer91 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Maybe he knows hes not the best in the sack and trying to train himself to last longer/do better.
pteromom Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I do think porn is sexual exploitation (I think exploitation is evil) and masturbating/lusting after another person's body is cheating (I think cheating is evil too), but I agree very much with the very helpful advice in your post. I love this quote of yours, "When you are in a relationship, it's not a competition. It's not about a winner and loser, or "bowing to someone's insecurities". It's about growing together and making each other's needs a priority." Can I make it my signature please??? Go for it! And thank you. 1
pteromom Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Oh I know it does, as long as the man is the one required to be considerate. No - BOTH people need to have an attitude of mutuality in order for a relationship to work. It has to be equal - give and take. Dr. Phil said something I like... that a relationship isn't 50/50 - it's 100/100. Both people have to be willing to give 100%. And if BOTH people do that, it's a beautiful thing. If only one gives and the other takes, or if it turns into an exercise in score-keeping instead of freely giving love, it becomes lopsided and resentment grows in the place of love. In this case, the people involved have different views on porn use - neither is right or wrong; they are just different. So rather than make it a power struggle over porn vs. no-porn, they need to work on the underlying issue that leads to insecurity over the porn. 3
BetheButterfly Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 No - BOTH people need to have an attitude of mutuality in order for a relationship to work. It has to be equal - give and take. Dr. Phil said something I like... that a relationship isn't 50/50 - it's 100/100. Both people have to be willing to give 100%. And if BOTH people do that, it's a beautiful thing. If only one gives and the other takes, or if it turns into an exercise in score-keeping instead of freely giving love, it becomes lopsided and resentment grows in the place of love. 100% agree with the above. Beautifully stated 1
Njeanne Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I didn't read much further then 4-5 times sex a week, why are you complaining? Men watching porn is perfectly normal. Only when he isn't sexual interested anymore with you then that is a problem.
Author Parkka Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 Yea we have sex often but I wouldn't count a 2 pimp grunt and done anything to get excited over. I've talked to him about our sex and hinted and shown him how I'd like him to give it to me. He just doesn't care to put any effort into it. When he half asses it in the bedroom and then runs to his porn sites that's what bothers me. Also the lying about it. We can't even talk about it because when I bring it up to him to clear the air he get embarrassed and mad and just yells and says he isn't talking about it anymore. I can't get one word in how do I work something out with him if I can't get him to talk to me. I don't want to control him I just want a little respect. 2 rules don't do it while I'm home period and erase erase erase history it's not hard I just don't want to see it. If I can type in something and a million porn sites pop up I can just imagine what my 8 year old son will find. I do appreciate all the comments you have given me a lot of good advice aside from the dick that says women don't need to control men. I'm not controlling my husband has it great he can come and go when he please do whatever he wants and just be home for family dinner. I don't see how this one issue I have with porn and asking him to do a better job at acting like he doesn't do it is trying to control him. I don't know if I'd go as far to say he's addicted but I do think that it could become one. It's just like if I was to be looking at hot naked guys and left it in the history or up on the screen he'd be upset and I'd never hear the end of it but its ok for him to look. Up until this one issue we've had an amazing relationship that's why he does whatever he wants. I can't help that it bothers me I wish I could I don't like feeling this way I want to not care but it just bothers me. Anyone have any good advice on just dealing with it and getting over it? Thanks to all that replied with sincerity! 1
Eddie Edirol Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 You shouldnt be just dealing with it, becvause eventually you might stray to someone who will be considerate of satisfying you. Has he always been this bad in bed from the beginning of your relationship? if he has, the skys will prolly fall before he changes. For some reason he cant keep going past 2 pumps 4-5 times a day, and if he doesnt care to, then its because you let him. Sounds to me like you need to make it worth more or he doesnt get it. If he wants to choose porn and never get real sex again or change, then you have your answer. It really seems like he doesnt want to change. You could start looking at hot naked guys just to make him feel the sting, but if he is good at arguing, you have to know how to do a good counter and out argue him. I say give it to him once a week, maybe twice if he's willing to start considering you. Because if he cant even work with you as to how you can fulfill his fantasies better, I think youre SOL. I say let him suffer without you for a few weeks and see if his pride will weaken eventually, you get cold, make it seem like youre not interested in him anymore until he starts to come around. But be prepared for the possibility of him bailing on you.
TheGuard13 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Wait...has he said it's not ok for you to look at porn? Yea we have sex often but I wouldn't count a 2 pimp grunt and done anything to get excited over. I've talked to him about our sex and hinted and shown him how I'd like him to give it to me. He just doesn't care to put any effort into it. When he half asses it in the bedroom and then runs to his porn sites that's what bothers me. Also the lying about it. We can't even talk about it because when I bring it up to him to clear the air he get embarrassed and mad and just yells and says he isn't talking about it anymore. I can't get one word in how do I work something out with him if I can't get him to talk to me. THIS is your issue. This man has communication and intimacy issues, which means that your relationship has communication and intimacy issues. Porn may be related to it somehow, but this is the issue you need to be concerned about, not his use of porn itself. If he really won't talk about his concerns, I would say consider ending the relationship. You may both benefit from some counseling, or from seeing a sex therapist. 1
Author Parkka Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 We don't have communication issues. We talk about everything and he's my best friend. It's just when it comes to porn he gets mad and will just say he's done talking about it and he will just ignore me. And no he's not ok with me looking at porn. Sex hasn't always been bad the first year it was good and he put effort into it, but I don't know if he got lazy and stopped trying or if he just didn't care.
sweetkiwi Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 He won't allow you to look at porn????? Your husband reminds me of my ex. Except my ex was worse. 2 pumps every single time. He hit on women infront of me and got mad if I said anything about it. He made insane comments about women on tv, fully clothed women. He would leave porn up on his computer for me to find, then complain about how insecure I was. He made me feel like crap and that my opinions were crazy because I was a woman. Then after the emotional abuse he got physically abusive. I was young and stupid and loved his son, so I stayed. I didn't leave till he threw me across a room. Then I went and fhucked his best friend. In all honesty I liked his friend very much but was immature and also liked how Id be getting "even" somehow. My advice is to not let it get to a point where you are so terribly hurt that you lash out and do something you'll regret. You and your husband should seek counseling.
TheGuard13 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 We don't have communication issues. We talk about everything and he's my best friend. It's just when it comes to porn he gets mad and will just say he's done talking about it and he will just ignore me. Except that you don't talk about everything...he obviously cannot communicate regarding the porn issue, or is unwilling to do so. This is a problem with communication, and ignoring you is an immature and hurtful way to communicate and interact with someone. And no he's not ok with me looking at porn. Sex hasn't always been bad the first year it was good and he put effort into it, but I don't know if he got lazy and stopped trying or if he just didn't care. The fact that you don't know why this happened indicates that there are communications issues. He may just not like sex. It's possible he's wildly insecure about himself. Either way, counseling is probably a good idea if he won't open up to you on his own.
Author Parkka Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 Thanks the guard you've been helpful I doubt he will goto counseling but I'm defiantly going to go myself just to kind if try and work through the emotions I'm feeling... I don't think I'm insecure I think it's the lying and ignoring that are more my issue, but maybe Im a little insecure deep down and don't realize it I don't know either way thank you for your help guys!
TheGuard13 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 It can be a good idea just to go yourself to sort through some things, and to get a different, unbiased perspective. There's not a person in the world who wouldn't benefit from good counseling. Best of luck.
AKisBaked Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 The guy may be watching it and could be influenced by the media of how porn is made perhaps? Because alot of men sometimes when they watch porn, they are expecting sex to be like what they see on the screen. So if let's say, he had watched some hardcore ****, or something that the women was really working it then he could potentially be influenced that you are suppose to also be that active in bed. But I don't know you or your situation so i'm just basing this on speculation. IMO I think you should be worried that your bf is becoming addicted to it even if you say you two are having sex 4-5 times a week. He simply could just think of it as a chore? Beats me. But that's disrespectful of him to do such thing to do when he is getting action 4-5 times a week!! ( If i was getting action from 4-5 a week I'd be a happy man =) If i was your bf I wouldn't complain about the sex im receiving lol
ltjg45 Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 We don't have communication issues. We talk about everything and he's my best friend. It's just when it comes to porn he gets mad and will just say he's done talking about it and he will just ignore me. And no he's not ok with me looking at porn. Sex hasn't always been bad the first year it was good and he put effort into it, but I don't know if he got lazy and stopped trying or if he just didn't care. Just end the relationship. He thinks that he is entitled to look at porn and yet tells you that you can't do the same? Who do he think he is? 2
Recommended Posts