stevie_23 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Whether you’re the OW / OM or the MM / MW, how did you first ever begin to commence your affair? In my case, in April 2011 I got together with my ex-MM on a songwriting discussion forum we had both been active members on since November 2008. We had no idea who the other was until early 2010, but we’d both joined the forum within 3 months of each other in 2008. Hung out in different sections at first. I have recently gone back to the very beginning of my email account and have read some of our earliest emails to each other. We first began talking via private messages on the songwriting forum and then moved to emails about 2 weeks later as it was easier (no restrictive character limit, as both of us tended to write very long letters to each other). I had forgotten how long it took us to actually get together. When I remember it, I felt like we were together almost immediately but reading the emails now, it was more a case that we “danced around” our feelings for a while. We both knew we loved each other, but spent a hell of a lot of time analyzing it (we’re both very introspective and deep thinkers) and talking about it together. What it meant. How we couldn’t allow our feelings to “step on” our respective partners. He called me “sister” for a while back in those days, which I found endearing. He said later he felt such strong love and affection for me but didn’t really know in what specific way. Then he realised it was NOT sisterly at all. Lol. It was interesting to read through these emails (didn’t make me sad, thankfully) and see the progression and transition as all the “boundaries” we’d discussed (not hurting our partners, not ever getting serious because nothing could ever happen, etc) fell away as our feelings grew and we began justifying and ignoring things in our minds. Within 2 months of getting together, we were in a full on routine and in almost constant contact everyday, infatuated with each other. Just wondered how everyone else’s affairs began…was it slow? Was it sudden and intense? Did you discuss your feelings before actually getting together? Did either of you intend to NOT go further but then…you just did anyway, despite everything?
Realist3 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Intense and sudden. Totally unexpected. I met her at my kids elementary school. I knew who she was because of social circles, but I didn't know her. Never paid much attention to her for about a year or so. Started over small chit chat in an area where parents wait for their kids after school. After about three weeks she emails me asking something about the PTA committee I was chair of, which started a level of communication. A week or so later she asked me to meet her for coffee and it was on. It turned physical soon after. Ever since then we have talked with each other every day.
Author stevie_23 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Did you feel a “spark” when you first began talking just before you had that email interaction for the week before you met up in person again for coffee? At what point did you feel…something? Anything?
wanderluster Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Mine just began as an ego boost, I just liked the attention, and it made me feel good about myself. But gradually this developed into emotions. After discovery day, and after separation from my spouse, I felt disgusted with myself. The ego-boost was not worth the devaluation I feel about myself today. 1
Realist3 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Did you feel a “spark” when you first began talking just before you had that email interaction for the week before you met up in person again for coffee? At what point did you feel…something? Anything? Yep, a definite spark before the email. Didn't really know to make of it or expect anything. Just knew I liked her. Interestingly enough, despite the spark the first time we met for coffee I was very skeptical of her motives. I didn't know her at all, and I have other female friends that I have coffee with and lunch. Our second coffee date she opened up a whole bunch, and that is when the spark became a flame and I decided to go along for the ride.
Author stevie_23 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Go along for the ride, eh? Were / are you married? How did you feel about "going along for the ride" if you were married?
Realist3 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Yes, I'm married, so is she. How I felt about it? Reserved, but curious. Not necessarily sure where it would go. It was a bit overwhelming. I slowed it down after the first month or so because I felt like we were headed towards a Thelma and Louise ending. After taking a few steps back I decided it was something I wanted to do. I knew the dangers were high for both of us, but at the same time knew it was something I would regret if I let it slip.
Author stevie_23 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Yeah, I can relate to that. When my affair started, I didn’t even think anything would happen, nothing serious. It was all these little steps and at some point there must’ve been (and I can ever-so-vaguely recall it happening) some stage where I decided to just go for it, no matter what the consequence. 1
Got it Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 We worked together and had started working on some projects together. I knew him for a few years and other than a passing thought that he was a decent looking man nothing outside of that. I really was impressed with his breath of knowledge, dedication and passion for the company and the industry. I really liked his logic on issues as well, just really respected him. He helped me out with an issue at one point and that is when I thought I noticed some sparks. But I am pretty dumb in that and confuse if someone is flirting with me or just being friendly. I am a pretty reserve individual so extroverts are enigmas to me. I figured it out when he kept asking if I was going to this one outing and knew that his interest level was more than normal. And being the dude like chick I am, I just blurted out the question on whether there was something going on between us. And the rest is history. 1
Brian1 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I had a chance at having an affair 7 years ago. Big attraction on both sides, but a lot of guilt also. I ended passing after about 3 months of flirting. Later I regretted the missed opportunity but I was happy I still had my marriage intact. Two years later, almost an exact opportunity came along (single, much younger lady) and I was thinking for about 2 months, I can't let another opportunity go by because this is most like going to be my last. After 4 months of knowing her and flirting lightly, I made my move. She was extremely receptive. One month later we were having sexual relations(with condom). About 8 months later she got pregnant even though we were trying not to. Now, 5 years later I'm in a complicated affair (See my post for more info, Complicated Affair). It's been a great 5 year affair but now, due to our daughter, it has come to a decision point.
cocorico Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Whether you’re the OW / OM or the MM / MW, how did you first ever begin to commence your affair? Just wondered how everyone else’s affairs began…was it slow? Was it sudden and intense? Did you discuss your feelings before actually getting together? Did either of you intend to NOT go further but then…you just did anyway, despite everything? It was slow. I met him in a work-related capacity. I liked what I saw, and did my research, very thoroughly, for about a year. During that time I also contacted him casually abut a couple of things related to our first meeting, but nothing that wasn't innocent. The research all checked out positively, and his responses to the contact were good, and so I organised a second occasion to meet up and at that event I made my proposal. He considered it carefully and agreed. So it was slow, we did discuss our feelings, intentions, and requirement beforehand. We did agree parameters, but these changed with time as the depth of our feelings grew, and we had to renegotiate the terms of the liaison.
Pierre Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 It was slow. I met him in a work-related capacity. I liked what I saw, and did my research, very thoroughly, for about a year. Your guy was not a cheater. He had an exit affair. IN other words, he passed inspection. If most potential OWs were like you they would feel no pain.
BrokenPrincess Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 We worked together (long distance, different states) for about a year & a half, with no EA going on, but the 3 times we'd been together in person, there was some inappropriate physical boundary crossing, which I guess we both ignored (walk arm-in-arm, hand on legs, brushing my hair off my face, etc) An affair never crossed my mind & I just felt so natural with him, it really didn't seem strange til later. Then on our 4th visit, we didn't say goodnight in the hotel elevator. He led me off, and we had a looooooong hug (actually first full hug ever). I remember thinking, oh my god, is this really happening? Is he giving me the longest hug ever while he decides whether to go for it? Can he just kiss me already?! Then he led me to his room & we ended up just kissing all night til we fell asleep. Very PG. And confessed attraction to each other, both didn't know the other felt the same way. So kind of backwards because once we both got home, we ended up developing an EA, talking all day, every day, etc. Eventually flirtation escalated & we'd venture into more risqué chats interspersed with everyday stuff. The next time we saw each other, we embarked on the full blown PA.
loredo21 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Work. How original. He was my boss and it all happened very quickly. We "bonded" over one topic and everything else just grew from there. Lots of late weekend nights working "overtime" and alcohol that gave us stupid courage. Two young, attractive, unhappy at home people + late nights and alcohol: DO NOT MIX!
RickFox Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Intense and sudden. Totally unexpected. I met her at my kids elementary school. I knew who she was because of social circles, but I didn't know her. Never paid much attention to her for about a year or so. Started over small chit chat in an area where parents wait for their kids after school. After about three weeks she emails me asking something about the PTA committee I was chair of, which started a level of communication. A week or so later she asked me to meet her for coffee and it was on. It turned physical soon after. Ever since then we have talked with each other every day. Mine was eerily similar, minus the PTA part. It was a year in the making as we got to know each other and built the relationship.
BondiGirl Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 A chance encounter as we hadn't seen one another for years. He dated 2 of my friends many years ago and I was already with my H. We exchanged numbers and he sent me a msg and it started from there. Chit chat, flirting, sexting then a hook up. It all came out of the blue and was all consuming. For the short period it lasted it burned bright. Then guilt set in.... I am going NC at the mo but I miss those little messages as we had so much in common. Things that my H finds boring he got. I'm focusing my time and energy on my marriage now.
Breathless Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 I was his work wife and he was safe guy! We would spend every break, lunch, after work hour events together as just friends for years - we would even text each other at night or over the weekend. Both spouses knew how close we were and never really questioned our friendship. It was strange - I always believed he thought I was A-SEXUAL and did not find me even remotely attractive. Then during one of our typical texting sessions - he asked a hypothetical question - "what if you and I...." Esh, I remember that moment clearly! I knew depending on how I responded - I could have either shut it down and we would just move on like nothing happened or I could encourage him to take another step towards the "line". I obviously encouraged him and ended up having an A. It was an intense, passionate, consuming, obsessive A for both of us. But we already shared a close emotional connection bc of our friendship - the physical part just added fuel to the flame.
ow9 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Well here's a new post: we met through work! He was the contractor and I was the client. He pursued me for several months in which I said "no" several times. But, the flattery from him and the loneliness at home got the best of me. Boom. Affair. Think about it, you spend more time at work than you do at home most weeks. So I get it. We are not proud of it, but it makes sense...
Fallen Petals Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Mine was a little more deliberate. We found each other on a dating site. My husband and I separated and a friend of mine encouraged me to get some action for myself to help let off steam and tension...I knew he was married but didn't care as it was supposed to be strictly a physical endeavor. He was just hoping for a physical fling to help ease the pain of the constant neglect he received at home. And much to both of our dismay we fell in love...
Acheron Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 I had no idea I was in an affair. I met him online and we saw eachother every 3 months in real life - but never in his hometown because he said it was cold and sucked (canada) so he always came to US or we went to resort places. I did not find out he was married for 3 years...I was total idiot and naive. but it still hurts the same now in NC- day 1 1
Yellowteacup Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 I met my OM through mutual friends. We've always had a sexual attraction to each other before and after I got married. Yet, we didn't have a full blown PA and EA until 3 months ago.
LaceyS Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I met him at the children's school; he is a partner of an old school acquaintance. I had seen him do a school run one evening; I was steps behind him. I told my friend I had to have him..saw him out in public and alone 3 weeks later, and pretty much asked him outright for sex. The feelings side happened slowly, contact was sporadic for the first few months and almost (but not totally, usually a text conversation mid week) limited to a weekly hook-up. One day, 4/5 months later, he asked me to a party with him and his friends, and came to pick me up. I was surprised, his feelings came before mine, or I sat on mine better. Feelings on both sides ever since, the feelings conversation happened days after the party.. and that was almost a year ago now (the party). We have been talking daily for 10 months or so now.
Acheron Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Can I be honest? I don't really understand anything that stevie 23 has said for months. did they meet? it was affair? she is still with partner? she even said that even if MM had wanted to move to her, she woud have stayed with partner. i don't get it I could be completely off base and I know this is someone that posts A LOT but honestly- I see a cake eater that wraps herself in the martyr / victim role. and even when she comments on other threads- it is always about her. never anything for the OP. I am new here. don't know the rules really of what I can say or not. But honestly, this needs to be said. She is out of control in her delusions of her x-mm... I feel like she comes up with these crazy topics to try and keep her affair alive for her...and it was hardly an affair. 1
carhill Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Here's an excerpt from my journal here, invisible to most, and relevant to when it was published around 5 years ago: My next significant experience is one which is still with me today, in reality, as I type this. I am currently visiting this person and her children a country away from where we both live. Today is "zoo" day, a first for her only granddaughter. Anyway, back in time.... I was 25, my dad had just died of cancer a few months prior, and I was starting to get my work and personal legs back. At the time, I was working at a machine shop and had purchased my first home about a year prior. In all ways, just a normal day in a usual life for me. One of our customers called and said they were sending over a job for me to look at and gave me the name of the parts person who would be bringing it. I was working away at a lathe and happened to look up as someone walked through the shop door. What happened next was what would become a unique and defining experience for me. When our eyes first met, I saw this sort of glow around her and the room slowly began to rotate (in my mind, of course) and about all I could choke out was "you're XXX" and, strangely, that was all I heard from her. We just kind of stared at each other, something we still do to this day, and events beyond that became sort of cloudy to remember. I would find out a number of weeks and much intimacy later that she was married. As of today, that was about 28 years ago. Water long under the bridge. What proceeded was, at the time, very intense for myself but, as I would come to realize much later, a mere walk in the park for her, having far more experience in such matters at her tender young age than I ever would. Such are the vagaries of living.
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