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Can you be in love with someone regardless of their sexual orientation / gender?

Lil1

By Lil1
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Lil1 Established Member

Lil1

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Hello, I'm having a very difficult time understanding this and could really use some of your insight!

 

Is it possible to be in love with a person - to the point where you are willing to spend the rest of your life with them - regardless of their gender?

 

It's a beautiful concept, that you can romantically love someone for their qualities/characteristics regardless of what they look like or what gender they are - but how is this really possible? Where does physical attraction fit into this?

 

Perhaps a little background to my current dilemma would help:

 

A man I'm currently dating, and completely in love with, disclosed that the first time he fell in love was with another man, but he himself is not a homosexual. When I asked how that's possible to have physical intimacy with another man yet not be gay he responded by saying that he was in love with him and who he was as a person.

 

Understandibly it's something that deeply concerns me. I do not want to judge him from his past and I know we all have to discover ourselves, but I can't help wonder if he may ever fall in love with another man again.

 

My guy was a late bloomer and I guess the first time he felt any sort of attraction directed at him was from another man and it was also a time when he was experimenting with drugs like extacy. The guy he fell in love with was very popular and they partied a lot together. The relationship eventually ended because my guy got a taste of female intimacy and he realized that he in fact liked women and not men. He said he never had any sexual feelings to any man - even the man that he claims to have been in love with, and that he felt very sad that he couldn't continue the relationship with this man because he liked women too much. He said he was broken hearted for a long time and couldn't understand why he wasn't a homosexual, how he could be in love a man yet be grossed out by the physical intimacy with him.

 

We have talked about this at length. In fact this weekend we had a pretty heavy talk and he tried to reassure me that he is not gay and will never be gay because he does not get turned on at all by penis or even the idea of gay sex (he even told me he felt like I was castrating him by questioning his attraction for me but was willing to 'defend' his love for me). He tried his best to explain to me how he was in love with another man yet not the physical aspect of it.

 

I just dont understand it. He has a brother who recently divorced his wife because he discovered he likes men. My guy says he feels comfortable with his masculinity and doesn't get offended when other men try to hit on him (if he's hanging out with his brother).

 

I don't want this to be an issue with us. I think it's the sort of thing that I just have to accept and trust him with. I do love him, he's a beautiful person, but I'm only human and can't help being a little sketched out by

his past.

 

Does anyone out there have any insight that could help me get over this hburdle? I love him and could see myself with him for a long time to come but I'm afraid to wake up 10, 20 years from now next to a man who is having an affair with another man.:(

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Lil1 Established Member

Lil1

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.. I hear crickets chirping! :laugh:

 

Nobody has any thoughts they can share with me about this? bump?

BetheButterfly Established Member

BetheButterfly

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.. I hear crickets chirping! :laugh:

 

Nobody has any thoughts they can share with me about this? bump?

 

I think it's very possible to love or be in love with a person regardless of their sexual orientation or gender!

 

I do understand though why you are afraid of him leaving you.

 

Sorry, I don't have any helpful advice for your situation or for his, but I very much hope that neither one of you hurts the other!!!

 

Love includes the risk of being hurt. For example, I love my husband and I trust he won't leave me or cheat on me. In the same way, he loves me and trusts I won't leave him or cheat on him. Both of us trust in each other, and both of us are able to (have the capacity) to break that trust to smithereens, but both of us are firm in wanting to love each other and be faithful to each other till death truly does us part. Time will tell. :)

Edited by BetheButterfly
TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
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Does anyone out there have any insight that could help me get over this hburdle? I love him and could see myself with him for a long time to come but I'm afraid to wake up 10, 20 years from now next to a man who is having an affair with another man.:(

 

Yeah, sure.

Your guy is bisexual.

But also in denial.

  • Like 1
ltjg45 Established Member

ltjg45

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I personally can't. I was raised knowing that I (a male) can only truly love a female.

 

I can't "love" another male. That is beyond anything my mind can handle. The only person I can even considering "loving" as a male is my father and I outright HATE him.

 

So no, I can't do it. That will drive me to the point of insanity.

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Lil1 Established Member

Lil1

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Thanks for your thought out response butterfly, I agree with you that as long as there is trust and love in the relationship then fidelity should not be an issue. He also made that point when we discussed his past - that if I am ever worried about him cheating on me (regardless if it is with a woman or a man) then we have no trust and we cannot have a successful relationship without it.

 

I feel certain that he is deeply in love with me and I understand that cheating can happen to anyone at any time if the relationship is weak. Our relationship is strong and we are working on building a good foundation for it - hence the full disclosure of each other's past.

 

My issue is not that I'm afraid that he will cheat on me, I just want him to be the happiest person he can be and that means being true to himself. I would hate for him to go through his adult life convincing himself that he is something he isn't (100 percent heterosexual). Of course I also wouldnt want to be the one who holds him back from living his own life the way he wants to. He has told me he is certain that he is not interested in men that way. I guess I just have to trust that he is being honest with himself. I think it would just help me to be able to understand how he was able to be in love with a man while being a heterosexual.

 

I'm a pretty open minded person and it's bothering me that I can't seem to wrap my head around this concept. Ive come to LS in hopes to hear other viewpoints on this matter because it will help me reconcile my own thoughts. Thanks for sharing your opinions:)

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TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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Thanks for your thought out response butterfly, I agree with you that as long as there is trust and love in the relationship then fidelity should not be an issue. He also made that point when we discussed his past - that if I am ever worried about him cheating on me (regardless if it is with a woman or a man) then we have no trust and we cannot have a successful relationship without it.

 

I feel certain that he is deeply in love with me and I understand that cheating can happen to anyone at any time if the relationship is weak. Our relationship is strong and we are working on building a good foundation for it - hence the full disclosure of each other's past.

 

My issue is not that I'm afraid that he will cheat on me, I just want him to be the happiest person he can be and that means being true to himself. I would hate for him to go through his adult life convincing himself that he is something he isn't (100 percent heterosexual). Of course I also wouldnt want to be the one who holds him back from living his own life the way he wants to. He has told me he is certain that he is not interested in men that way. I guess I just have to trust that he is being honest with himself. I think it would just help me to be able to understand how he was able to be in love with a man while being a heterosexual.

 

I'm a pretty open minded person and it's bothering me that I can't seem to wrap my head around this concept. Ive come to LS in hopes to hear other viewpoints on this matter because it will help me reconcile my own thoughts. Thanks for sharing your opinions:)

 

I hate to say it, but that smacks even more of being in denial.

 

He had a relationship with a man, before he discovered he liked women.... and his brother is bisexual... maybe he cannot possibly imagine that he would be too... and I know twin guys, one of whom is gay, the other straight - so it's not beyond the realms of possibility that he would swing the same way as his brother.

 

I'm sorry, but you're not holding him back from anything - you're not inhibiting him, or preventing him at all.

He's doing it all himself.

He has convinced himself he can be in love with another man without it being physical.

Fine.

But that still makes him bi-sexual.

 

And if he refuses to face it, admit it, or finally give into it - that's on him, not you.

he's made that choice.

 

Don't lose sleep over it. he's made his decision.

You can't head-probe, particularly as I don't truly believe he's being honest with himself.

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Lil1 Established Member

Lil1

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He has convinced himself he can be in love with another man without it being physical.

Fine.

But that still makes him bi-sexual.

 

And if he refuses to face it, admit it, or finally give into it - that's on him, not you.

he's made that choice.

 

Don't lose sleep over it. he's made his decision.

You can't head-probe, particularly as I don't truly believe he's being honest with himself.

 

 

Thank you TaraMaiden, it seems as if you think it can't be possible to be in love with someone of your own gender and still be heterosexual. I'm also having difficulty understanding this. You think he is in denial but he is very open with me about his feelings in regards to all of this and it doesnt make sense that he would be in denial about his sexuality, he just seems so self assured. If he is not being honest with himself then he is not being honest in our relationship. How do I reconcile this? Should I invest my life/energy/love into this man? (rhetorical question) I want to love him unconditionally and that means I need to trust in his love for me.

 

I think time will tell how I feel about all of this. Our relationship is still young and I want to forge ahead with an open, fearless heart. For now I will just enjoy his company and accept his love. I know this little fear will always be in the recesses of my mind though so I will need to come to terms with it eventually.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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Thank you TaraMaiden, it seems as if you think it can't be possible to be in love with someone of your own gender and still be heterosexual.

Not in the way he's demonstrating, no. Relatives? Life-long friends? Sure. Other men? In the way he's describing? I honestly can't see it, no....

 

I'm also having difficulty understanding this. You think he is in denial but he is very open with me about his feelings in regards to all of this and it doesnt make sense that he would be in denial about his sexuality, he just seems so self assured.

 

I think he's just being extremely insistent because he's doubled his efforts... he has to convince you - but himself too.... He may even actually be completely convinced. That doesn't mean he's not in denial, however.

 

 

If he is not being honest with himself then he is not being honest in our relationship. How do I reconcile this? Should I invest my life/energy/love into this man? (rhetorical question) I want to love him unconditionally and that means I need to trust in his love for me.

There is no question whatsoever in my mind that he loves you whole-heartedly. Because he can.

If he is bisexual (and let's just for one second, presume he is) he can just as fully love and commit to you, as he could to another man. he has two avenues. he's chosen the one with you.

 

I think time will tell how I feel about all of this. Our relationship is still young and I want to forge ahead with an open, fearless heart. For now I will just enjoy his company and accept his love. I know this little fear will always be in the recesses of my mind though so I will need to come to terms with it eventually.

 

I wish you nothing but happiness, fulfilment and a good future.

 

let me just add a caveat: if he ever insists on seeing other men - even without any form of sexual connection - there would be a question in my head about his conducting an EA.

 

The gender is immaterial; to connect with a person on an emotional level, and to fulfil a specific desire for that kind of mentally intimate relationship, while you are in a committed relationship with someone else - is still wrong.

 

Good luck, be strong:

But above all, be happy, whatever that entails.

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BetheButterfly Established Member

BetheButterfly

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Thanks for your thought out response butterfly, I agree with you that as long as there is trust and love in the relationship then fidelity should not be an issue. He also made that point when we discussed his past - that if I am ever worried about him cheating on me (regardless if it is with a woman or a man) then we have no trust and we cannot have a successful relationship without it.

 

He has a good point.

 

I feel certain that he is deeply in love with me and I understand that cheating can happen to anyone at any time if the relationship is weak. Our relationship is strong and we are working on building a good foundation for it - hence the full disclosure of each other's past.
Awesome!!! :bunny:

 

My issue is not that I'm afraid that he will cheat on me, I just want him to be the happiest person he can be and that means being true to himself. I would hate for him to go through his adult life convincing himself that he is something he isn't (100 percent heterosexual). Of course I also wouldnt want to be the one who holds him back from living his own life the way he wants to. He has told me he is certain that he is not interested in men that way. I guess I just have to trust that he is being honest with himself. I think it would just help me to be able to understand how he was able to be in love with a man while being a heterosexual.
I understand. From what I understand though about some people who consider themselves bisexual, that doesn't mean that they would be unfaithful to the person they loved. If I understand correctly, they don't see being bi to mean they have to be in sexual relationships with both men and women, but rather they can choose based on the person and not on the gender.

 

Let me see if I can ask a person who is bi to write you on this thread and give you advice.

 

I'm a pretty open minded person and it's bothering me that I can't seem to wrap my head around this concept. Ive come to LS in hopes to hear other viewpoints on this matter because it will help me reconcile my own thoughts. Thanks for sharing your opinions:)
I think it's awesome that you are willing to love a person who has had homosexual experiences and who might possibly be bi.

 

When I was 15, I thought I was bi, but after praying about it with my Mom, I decided I had merely been curious and my mind was affected by the lesbian porn I had seen. Before that, I had not considered myself bi. I consider myself 100% straight since that defining moment of praying with my Mom. However, my experience has helped me see that being sexually attracted to people of the same gender is something many people naturally experience, sometimes as a result to certain stimulli and is a decision that people can decide to act on or decide that they do not want to be/do for whatever reason.

 

It's possible that this man you love has deliberately decided not to be bi or homosexual, in spite of the experiences of his past. It seems that he has decided not to be due to his present experience. Now, does that mean he won't someday be affected by other stimuli/experiences? It really depends on where he goes, who he meets, and what he decides to be and do.

 

It is very possible that he will never "go back" to men. It is also possible he might. If you truly love him, that is a risk you are going to have to take. Love includes the risk of being hurt. For example, it is a risk that my husband or I will decide someday to break our promises. The risk is low because we both hold firmly to the decision to love (love is action) each other "till death do us part" and we strive to make sure to keep our love strong, like keeping a plant healthy and growing. Time will tell what happens. I don't think any sexual relationship is guaranteed to last forever in a state of bliss; it takes hard work to keep a relationship strong, blissful, and healthy!

 

Dangers and temptations always lurk nearby for any sexual relationship. It's up to each individual whether he/she will succumb to those temptations and hurt the relationship or not.

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Mrlonelyone Established Member

Mrlonelyone

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Sure you can be in a relationship with someone regardless of their gender.

 

I am bisexual and trans or maybe bi gendered, I have loved men and women while living a life that does not respect gender stereotypes and norms in any way. I am comfortable with that about me which is masculine, and that about me which is feminine.

 

The men and women who have loved me all saw past that as well.

 

Speaking as one who could be construed as a bisexual male, you need to realize why your BF is in denial.

 

People are specifically homophobic and biphobic towards bisexual males to a insane degree.

 

They deny that a biological male can be truly bisexual, while claiming that all women are bisexual.

 

They assert that all bisexual men will just go gay eventually and are all gay men in denial. While gay men fear that all bisexual men are just straight men experimenting for a while.

 

All bisexual (or "pansexual" as it is sometimes called) people face a very real phobia against them. There is a certain sexual power to being able to attract reasonably good looking members of either sex. People fear that one who has such an ability will never settle for just little old them.

 

The result of all that biphobia is that your BF is afraid to be honest because when he has been honest he has probably been rejected, hurt, and abandoned.

 

I suggest that you decide if you really love this man, and trust this man that you can totally radically accept him as he is with every fibre of your being.

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stevie_23 Established Member

stevie_23

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Yes, I definitely think so.

 

I’m a 34 year old woman and from the age of 18 until about 2 years ago I’d only ever been in relationships with women and assumed I was 100% gay. Until I met the (married) man I was in an online / long distance relationship with for almost 2 years and was deeply in love (and still am).

 

Now I don’t know if I’m gay or not, but this is not my concern. I don’t need labels. I think I am “people-sexual” in terms of my sexual orientation. It’s all about the person for me.

gaius Established Member

gaius

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Sure you can, if they offer you the dynamic you're looking for. I'm reminded of when Arnold Schwarzenegger slept with his maid. Who I would say wasn't the most physically attractive woman to ever walk the planet. From what I understand she worshiped him like a god so he had to have her. Even though she wasn't his physical type.

 

I've heard other stories like the one from your b/f. Where guys got the dynamic they wanted from another guy but tried out the sexual part only to be disgusted by it. I don't think he's in the closet or anything, sounds too honest and open about it for that to be the case.

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Lil1 Established Member

Lil1

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Now I don’t know if I’m gay or not, but this is not my concern. I don’t need labels. I think I am “people-sexual” in terms of my sexual orientation. It’s all about the person for me.

 

 

Thank you for sharing your experience with this Stevie. I think this is exactly how my guy feels as well - that it's all about the person and not their "label". I can support that all the way as I think labels often inhibit and suppress rather than liberate and allow someone to truly be who they are.

 

However I think that when there is ambiguity around your partner's sexuality it can detract from the security you may feel when you're in a relationship with them. This is my issue and I have to find a way to get past my insecurities.

 

Gaius, I'm going to believe that what my boyfriend is telling me, is the truth. We have had many honest conversations with each other and I feel that I can trust him. I think though that there will always be that nagging thought that will come whenever I see him being friendly with a gay dude... and that is completely unavoidable given the location we live in, the fact that his brother is bi, and the fact that homosexual men tend to be very open with their sexual advances (and my guy is very attractive). I can understand the psyche of women and am better prepared at 'competing' with them. I have no chance against another dude. :laugh: I know it sounds silly and like I'm an insecure little girl or something but I'm just trying to really examine what my insecurities are so I can settle this internal issue once and for all.

 

Last weekend we were out with friends and as we were about to head to another bar some dudes came up to talk to us and one of them was very openly coming on to my man - even took pics with him (somewhat provocative - dude was hanging on my guy's neck!) and got my guy's phone number. Everyone was drunk but that was such an awkward moment for me. Our mutual friends just looked right at me and I just felt soooo weirded out. Later on I asked my boyfriend why the hell he let that guy be all over him and gave him his number. My boyfriend seemed oblivious to the fact that the dude had been all over him - he thought he was just a friendly drunk dude. This is actually the incident that prompted me to begin this thread. We talked at length about this and he has promised not to give his number to anyone - male or female - again.

 

I'm processing a lot right now and just really trying to understand him. I fear that he will put himself in compromising situations because his approach to life is too idealistic which in my opinion can be naive. He is too trusting of others and their good intentions - I think most people are self serving and will take advantage of an opportunity if one is given. My boyfriend giving his number to that dude can be seen as an opportunity and not as a friendly gesture of a platonic connection.

 

Ugh. I feel myself getting worked up about this and I need to simmer down.:(

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