Doitright Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I am still very attracted to my Fiance. But, we have been having less sex. He recently told me the old "after you've been together for so long sex is less exciting" explaination. When we do have sex, it is usually very passionate, at least to me. But, he bearly ever wants to have sex anymore. We have been together for 1 and 1/2 years. Is this a normal amount of time for passion to start vanishing? I was married before and our passion lasted about 5 years. Does this mean we are not as sexually compatable as I thought?
kamani Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 It looks like a red flag. If he says so just after 1 1/2 years, how could you live with him the rest of your life? Discuss this openly and come to a settlement. 9
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 A few questions: How is the rest of your relationship? Any changes?Is it possible he might be getting it elsewherePorn? How much time is he devoting to watching this? Possible he's watching more than you realize?Mental state? Seem depressed lately?Ages? Yours and his? Regardless of how long you've been together, a fall-off in sex and/or loss of interest in sex is something worth paying attention to IMO. There is invariably a reason. Investigate. Start with the usual suspects and go from there. 1
Author Doitright Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 The rest of our relationship is great. But, we argue occasionally, and I will say he is more effected when we argue. We recently got engaged. I don't think he is cheating. In the past he has watched a lot of porn, but he said he doesn't have time for that anymore. We are in the process of getting a loan to buy a house and he has been stressed about that. He is 30 and I'm 36. I am a physically fit person. We are both very athletic and maintain our appearances well. I had a long talk with him about it and he said he has been really tired lately and stressed on buying the house. We have sex about 1-2 times a week now, but it use to be almost everyday. Maybe I am expecting too much??? What is the average amount of sex to have after 1 and 1/2 years?
Author Doitright Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 I'm not saying its about porn use. Our beginings were not conventional at all and I wouldn't care if he watched porn. Actually, when we met our relationship was based solely on sex. We had such good sexual chemistry, it blossomed into something more. True, he could be having second thoughts, but I doubt it would have anything to do with my physical appearance or how kinky I am....trust me. It's about him being distracted with something and taking me for granted. LIK, people who are super negative should not offer advice due to corrupted perspective. 1
GoodupsEvil Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Everybody is different, and you know him better than any of us. I don't want to make any generalizations about men, but if his interest in sex is waning, I would reason it stems from something else. If you believe him that it is in response to the house buying, then take some of that pressure off of him, overtly (let him know you are doing it and why) and see what happens. I would imagine he would respond positively to having his stated needs met and respond in kind. Lik is negative, to be sure, but also candid. Take it with a handful of salt, vomit up the evil, and see if anything sticks. 2
moomin Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 If he is really stressed out then can you not tackle this head on as saying your stressed out is a front to bigger issues as someone above posted about concerns. Maybe its all too much for him can you slow down a bit to give him time to catch back up again? In my experience a 26 and a 36 year old woman depends mostly on the woman and not her age so if you are keeping well then I wouldnt worry about this previous comment, my wife is 4 years older and she looks 4 years younger than me. If there is truth around the children front then has this come up and its scared him slightly? I would happily settle for 1-2 a week as for time on porn that sounds like a bullxxxx answer, and you can tell this by the quantity of his load when you do get it together as if he is not DIY'ing he should deliver a weeks load in 1 sitting.. sorry for being crude but its a pretty good check. If you can use his computer check his internet history. If he is genuinely too tired and stressed out then you either make his life easier or accept that you may just have a lull that you 1
Author Doitright Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 Thank you for the good advice GoodupsEvil:) Do you have any estimates on when the passion of sex starts to fade for men? Months, years???
Author Doitright Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 Thank you for the insight moomin:) And, as for my age and bearing children, he has never expressed any concern at all. As for the masterbation thing, I don't care at all as long as he still takes care of me.
Author Doitright Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 I don't think so. I am VERY sexually open, and we have always had a very exciting sex life to the fullest extent. I am always suggesting new things. Some of it he shows interest in, but no interest in the super extreme.
Ninja'sHusband Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 I had an 18 year relationship and I don't think I ever really cooled down. Our frequency did go down slowly because of responsibilities and bad communication though. At the end I think we averaged about 2-4 times a month. 2
MuscleCarFan Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 I am still very attracted to my Fiance. But, we have been having less sex. He recently told me the old "after you've been together for so long sex is less exciting" explaination. When we do have sex, it is usually very passionate, at least to me. But, he bearly ever wants to have sex anymore. We have been together for 1 and 1/2 years. Is this a normal amount of time for passion to start vanishing? I was married before and our passion lasted about 5 years. Does this mean we are not as sexually compatable as I thought? I for one do not understand how any man can be less interested in sex. I think you should talk it over with him and maybe try different sexual positions to keep him interested. 1
Els Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 I love how lik can come up with polar opposite responses in essentially equivalent threads about sexless relationships, just by different sexes. If the OP had been a man, we'll be hearing all about how the bitch is cheating and he should man up and dump her pronto. OP, ask him to elaborate? What does he mean by 'not exciting enough'? Surely he has ideas about what ways he would like it to be 'more exciting', if that is genuinely his concern? 4
carhill Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Is this a normal amount of time for passion to start vanishing? I was married before and our passion lasted about 5 years. Every couple is different. Your last M apparently had 'passion' for five years and ended in divorce. Does this mean we are not as sexually compatable as I thought? Given what you've shared, I doubt pure sexual incompatibility is an issue. It's more likely a confluence of other relationship compatibilities which are manifesting themselves in this area. You're engaged to be married. How about exploring the 'He says sex is no longer exciting' in PMC. Worth a try, eh? Good luck. 3
GoodupsEvil Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Do you have any estimates on when the passion of sex starts to fade for men? Months, years??? I don't feel like it ever really should. I have been with my wife for 15 years, including the time we spent together before marriage. I have never lost my attraction to her, even when other aspects interfere. Everything I have read or seen in others shows me the same, as long as it is an open, expressive, and sharing experience. 1
Author Doitright Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 Wow lik.....I am shaking my head right now cause you are waayy off. True I am questioning some things, but there are a lot of things I already know about my Fiance and our relationship. First off, I doubt he would ask me to marry him if this was a FWB relationship. Sure it started out sex based, but after we got to know each other, it turned into more (at his request). Everybody is different, men are different from women, each woman is different from the next and each man is different from the next. LIK, you and your views on relationships are VERY different from my Fiance's. That I know for a fact! Some of the other members who offered advice seemed much more in tuned with the nature of my Fiance, myself and our relationship. I do have issues in my life, but you poor man, you must be miserable in life. 1
pteromom Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 - It could be he is telling the truth and he's just stressed about stuff. - It could be since the honeymoon phase is wearing off, he's going to his natural sexual pattern. Could be 1-2 times a week is just normal for him. - It could be that he has some fetish. - It could be that he has an unrealistic expectation of what sex should be. It's NORMAL for things to cool down in a LTR. I mean, it sounds like you already try lots of stuff... so when he says it isn't "exciting", what does that mean to him? What would he like more of in order to make it "exciting"? If he wants you to step up, he needs to be real clear in what he wants, or it's just not fair. As it is, he's telling you that sex isn't good enough, but not giving you much info to fix it.
Thegameoflife Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Actually, Lik isn't far off the truth. He told you the truth right from the beginning, that it's not exciting anymore. Men are straight forward right up to the point where we're about to set you off. You assumed it was stress from the house, and he agreed because it was a reason that was acceptable to you, that would get you to leave him alone for a while. He did it because he probably doesn't know why it's not exciting anymore. It was either agree or fight about a problem that he probably hasn't figured out. I can see a few things that could be issues. It seems as though you are the sexual aggressor. Essentially, you initiate sex. Taking a position of dominance over most men, is a surefire way to kill their sex drive. You're essential reversing natural roles, and that's how men respond to that; We take dominance back by withholding sex. Men almost always gravitate to a position of dominance over women. When women withold sex from a man, they take dominance away completely. This is why men get so angry about it, and will often seek out a new submissive mate. I've been in your fiance's position. Sex starts to feel like a job, and you're on your partners schedule. Killed my sex drive. Women don't seem to understand that we are like lions. A trained lion won't maul you. The way to keep us wild is to not whip us, don't cage us, and let us eat when we're hungry. If you force feed a lion all the time, eventually they just eat when they're ready. 1
BetheButterfly Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I am still very attracted to my Fiance. But, we have been having less sex. He recently told me the old "after you've been together for so long sex is less exciting" explaination. When we do have sex, it is usually very passionate, at least to me. But, he bearly ever wants to have sex anymore. We have been together for 1 and 1/2 years. Is this a normal amount of time for passion to start vanishing? I was married before and our passion lasted about 5 years. Does this mean we are not as sexually compatable as I thought? If while he was my fiance, my husband had said that to me, I would not have married him. That is a serious red flag. The boldened part above is a whiny excuse for him being boring and blaming the time y'all have together. I would seriously consider counseling or letting him go.
BetheButterfly Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 The rest of our relationship is great. But, we argue occasionally, and I will say he is more effected when we argue. We recently got engaged. I don't think he is cheating. In the past he has watched a lot of porn, but he said he doesn't have time for that anymore. We are in the process of getting a loan to buy a house and he has been stressed about that. He is 30 and I'm 36. I am a physically fit person. We are both very athletic and maintain our appearances well. I had a long talk with him about it and he said he has been really tired lately and stressed on buying the house. We have sex about 1-2 times a week now, but it use to be almost everyday. Maybe I am expecting too much??? What is the average amount of sex to have after 1 and 1/2 years? There are thousands of guys who would LOVE to have sex everyday. If you love to have sex everyday, I don't think you should marry a guy who for some weird reason is now just having sex with you 1-2 times a week. Seriously, seek counseling or let him go. From what I have learned through the trials some Loveshack members are facing, it is NOT cool to be in a sexless or little sex marriage for people who love sex!!!
Sparty97 Posted March 20, 2013 Posted March 20, 2013 Get through the home purchase before you really start to worry...2x a week? I can't remember the last time I had sex twice in the same week. 1
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