It seems at times I can't go on...

[Hopeful79]

I posted earlier (no one seems to comment much when I do post...is it that I'm new)...but i need to write...even if it's not read. I just need to vent. I miss my ex. I feel I was the one who ruined everything. For 2 1/2 yrs. we were together. At one point he was thinking of asking me to marry him, was shopping around for a ring. I got jealous about women back then (this was a year in). Then things just got weird when I moved in. I became pathetic and needy and so dependent. My world revolved around him. I wasn't the confident, independent woman he fell in love with. He's a physician so makes a lot, he had intiially told me to quit the job I hated, and said he'd be happy to financially support me...but I just got pathetic. It's been a little over 2 mos...I am not speaking to him, emailing or texting. Now he has emailed me a few times...again today. This one was all about how wonderful he thinks I am, how he needs to work on his empathy...but he makes it clear he is glad we broke up, he is moving on, that's his priority. Yet he wants a friendship. When we did hang out he treated me like his g/f again, it was if we were together...I am so confused. I know he used me, I know to not respond to this email he sent today, saying he also misses me. He just wants sex, to spend time with me b/c he thinks I'm doing fine. We are still facebook friends and he says how he sees the old me coming back again...yet inside I am suffering. I am getting better, day by day...I know we weren't good together, I know he brought me down (not on purpose, it's just how he is...very emotionally selfish, huge ego, a bit narcissistic, he believes he is never wrong, etc..)...he does lack empathy. I just don't know what to do. My therapist told me to ignore the emails. I was going to write to him today - just something like - I can't be just friends with you...but she said don't even do that. I told him this two weeks ago when we did hang out (when I got used). I know he's reaching out now b/c I am ignoring him...but why bother answering? It's not like I can get him back...and I know in the long run I am better without him...I need a man with empathy. I am almost 34...I do want to be with someone, married, one day have kids...

 

I JUST WANT THIS PAIN TO GO AWAY. I just want to be over my ex and yet I'm still pining after him. I think about him all the time. I want to be in his arms, with him. HELP!!!

[wanderluster]

Your therapist is right, stay strong.

If he was a real man, he would take you as the woman you are, you probably became needy and dependant because he made you feel insecure and worthless, if this is the case you are better off alone.

he can't only want you when he thinks you are doing fine. He needs to be there for you when you are not.

Think of yourself first. I know its hard to lose someone you loved, I know its hard to imagine someone better out there, and your mind will keep wondering to the best of times and you will idealize him, but if you must, write a list of all the things you hate about him, write down all the times he hurt you, write emails to him and never send them, just to let it all out and get your emotions into perspective. Read them over and over.

Remind yourself that you deserve better, and better will come.

[Suziee]

Cut all communication from him! Why would you want to continue being friends with someone who does not love you any more and just wants you for sex?

 

This should help you:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/358208-how-i-survived-my-breakup

[H3Drvr]

So you know his faults, correct? Now think about the first time you met him, if you could have peeked into the future at that precise moment, would you still want him? My guess is that probably not! That guy wiped the floor with your heart!

 

You were once a confident and secure woman, you CAN be again! Its all about reinventing yourself for a newer and better you. Stop dwelling on what happened and focus on what CAN happen. Theres lots of men out there who would kill for a woman with your dedication and conviction towards a healthy and true relationship...present company included.

 

Now pick yourself up, take your heart to the cleaners and wear it like a freshly cleaned and crisp shirt! I don't know about you, but I know I definitely feel a bit more dapper wearing a clean & crisp shirt...heart!

[Hopeful79]

 

You were once a confident and secure woman, you CAN be again!

 

Now pick yourself up, take your heart to the cleaners and wear it like a freshly cleaned and crisp shirt! I don't know about you, but I know I definitely feel a bit more dapper wearing a clean & crisp shirt...heart!

 

Thank you. Your comments made me smile. Yes, I was very confidant and secure when my ex met me...this is precisely why he was so drawn to me. Looking back there were many red flags. I fell in love with him and well...we probably should not have stayed together as long as we did to be honest. I am such a sensitive person that it has taken me longer to get over him I guess...when I love I love with everything. I know things will eventually get better, just have to get through this.

[Hopeful79]

Your therapist is right, stay strong.

If he was a real man, he would take you as the woman you are, you probably became needy and dependant because he made you feel insecure and worthless,

 

Other people who know me have said this as well. Some of my closest friends who have known me the longest said they noticed a huge change in me during this relationship and they didn't like it. My ex did make me feel insecure...not on purpose...it's just how he is. His lack of empathy most certainly did not help.

[williamshakespeare]

Why would you want to be with someone who lacks empathy? This is one of the most important characteristics that you should look for in a partner.

 

What if you got really sick? I know he's a doc and all but would he really care?

 

Re: Empathy - Would you buy a car that didn't have an engine?

ok

a steering wheel then.

 

Logically this was broken to begin with and was never going to work.

 

You sound like a wonderful person and there's a lot of guys who'd love to meet someone who's caring and giving like you are.

[Hopeful79]

Why would you want to be with someone who lacks empathy? This is one of the most important characteristics that you should look for in a partner.

 

What if you got really sick? I know he's a doc and all but would he really care?

 

Re: Empathy - Would you buy a car that didn't have an engine?

ok

a steering wheel then.

 

Logically this was broken to begin with and was never going to work.

 

You sound like a wonderful person and there's a lot of guys who'd love to meet someone who's caring and giving like you are.

 

It may sound nuts, but when I began to realize his lack of empathy it's like I didn't believe it. I am an incredibly empathetic person, so it just boggles my mind when someone else is not. There was so many other things to love about my ex...but looking back now I realize his lack of empathy is what destroyed our relationship and emotionally affected me very negatively, almost like abuse (but abuse he did not do on purpose).

 

Last year (10 mos ago actually), I spiral fractured my right tibia and fibula in a bike accident and had to get intemedullary rod surgery (titanium rod and 5 screws). I was in a wheelchair for awhile, as well as crutches (3 mos. no weight baring). I never felt so alone. He would help medically with cleaning the wounds, etc...but it was amazing to me how he just didn't seem to get that life was more difficult for me, that maybe I need some extra love, comfort, hugs...

 

I know I am so better off without him, I'm beginning to feel angry even writing this. I think I miss the idea of him more than anything.

[coffeebean201]

Some people have an irrational fear that bad luck is contagious and right when you need them most, they scram.

 

Sounds like he is Mr. Perfect on the outside, and at home you would have to be the strong one.

 

He probably makes a very good friend/roommate. But what you see is what you get.

[Hopeful79]

Some people have an irrational fear that bad luck is contagious and right when you need them most, they scram.

 

Sounds like he is Mr. Perfect on the outside, and at home you would have to be the strong one.

 

He probably makes a very good friend/roommate. But what you see is what you get.

 

He is Mr. Perfect on the outside. A well off physician, intelligent, tall, nice looking, sense of humor, etc...what you see is NOT what you get.

 

Emotionally he was needy, and I was there for him- he just would not be there for me emotionally.

[KatZee]

He is Mr. Perfect on the outside. A well off physician, intelligent, tall, nice looking, sense of humor, etc...what you see is NOT what you get.

 

Emotionally he was needy, and I was there for him- he just would not be there for me emotionally.

 

Omg we dated the same person apparently! My ex was just like this. On the outside he was Mr. Nice Guy. Everyone loved him. Friends/family/strangers/coworkers. Yet the person he was around ME was not the person he was when he was putting on his front.

 

He too was emotionally unavailable/emotionally immature. Selfish, huge ego, narcissist, he never did anything wrong. If he did something and I became upset, he would twist it around so I WAS the wrong one. He was emotionally abusive at the end and basically had me walking on egg shells b/c I was too scared to do or say the wrong thing or else he'd dump me. Meanwhile he was so completely self-absorbed, a constant liar, AND he cheated on me with his ex!!!!

 

I was totally insecure with him. Lacked all confidence. Everything I did was wrong. My life, my job, where I lived, my friends. And I was never that insecure before him either! He totally brought me down.

 

Going complete NC and cutting him out of my life is the best thing I've ever done. I was with him for 2.5 years as well and we were very entwined in our lives and I lost a lot. Friends, members of his family that I was kind of close with. But for my own mental health and emotional well-being, he had to go.

 

I wiped him out of my phone, email, Facebook. I blocked him everywhere. I did a purge in my house and dumped everything. Cards, notes, pictures, little toys. Anything that was his, or that was of us, got stuffed into a garbage bag and thrown down the garbage chute.

 

I stuck to very strict NC and it's been since 5/10/12. Not broken once.

 

I can't even tell you how much I love myself now. I love my life. I love how this experience really made me grow and evolve into who I was meant to be all along.

[Hopeful79]

Omg we dated the same person apparently! My ex was just like this. On the outside he was Mr. Nice Guy. Everyone loved him. Friends/family/strangers/coworkers. Yet the person he was around ME was not the person he was when he was putting on his front.

 

He too was emotionally unavailable/emotionally immature. Selfish, huge ego, narcissist, he never did anything wrong. If he did something and I became upset, he would twist it around so I WAS the wrong one. He was emotionally abusive at the end and basically had me walking on egg shells b/c I was too scared to do or say the wrong thing or else he'd dump me. Meanwhile he was so completely self-absorbed, a constant liar, AND he cheated on me with his ex!!!!

 

I was totally insecure with him. Lacked all confidence. Everything I did was wrong. My life, my job, where I lived, my friends. And I was never that insecure before him either! He totally brought me down.

 

Going complete NC and cutting him out of my life is the best thing I've ever done. I was with him for 2.5 years as well and we were very entwined in our lives and I lost a lot. Friends, members of his family that I was kind of close with. But for my own mental health and emotional well-being, he had to go.

 

I wiped him out of my phone, email, Facebook. I blocked him everywhere. I did a purge in my house and dumped everything. Cards, notes, pictures, little toys. Anything that was his, or that was of us, got stuffed into a garbage bag and thrown down the garbage chute.

 

I stuck to very strict NC and it's been since 5/10/12. Not broken once.

 

I can't even tell you how much I love myself now. I love my life. I love how this experience really made me grow and evolve into who I was meant to be all along.

 

Katzee,

 

Thank you for this! I definitely feel less alone now since it sounds like we were in the same type of relationship -- only my ex never cheated on me. I was walking on egg shells as well...and he always turned things around. I didn't realize this until after it ended. It's been a little over 2 mos. and I only just started to heal a few wks. ago.

 

I haven't deleted his FB or purged everything as you did...I don't hate my ex and want to look at our relationship as fondly as possible - although I am hurting a lot still. I am moving on with my life (but I do still catch myself from time to time fantasizing about the life we could have had together -- just thinking of all the positives, b/c the reality is I prob would be like one of the miserable Housewives from the reality show - rich and feeling very much alone and neglected). I do feel my ex was emotionally abusive - but not on purpose...he naturally lacks empathy and is emotionally selfich and a narcissist although he doesn't see it and would never admit to it. He has a HUGE ego.

 

I am still so annoyed with myself for all the crying, begging and pleading I did the first month of the breakup. All I did was totally feed his ego. Since I stopped answering calls/texts or emails I feel so much better. His emails started to get more personal, how he misses me etc...but I am holding strong and not answering - his ego is no longer going to be filled by me!

 

I am excited to begin a new chapter and moving to a new place where I'll work in the SCUBA diving field and instruct again. I want to be the confident, independent woman I was/am again -- before my ex.

[KatZee]

I honestly feel that's why you're not doing so great with moving on though. You need to cut him from your life. He's truly not a friend at all, and if I were you I'd be angry! It's not like he was so wonderful in the relationship and look what he turned you into. I don't think there's any reason to hang on to that, or look at what he's doing now.

 

For me, I don't like my ex at all. But again, he was a cheater and a liar, so I have more reason to hate mine than you do yours, but the anger is what fueled me forwards. I don't look back on him fondly. I look back and can't believe I was so stupid for staying with him. I would never entertain a friendship with him.

 

I think that's whats going to keep you back a bit. If down the line you're over him then fine, but right now I don't think it's doing you any favors.