Mentor/ Entrepreneur or Lover?

[ephillips1986]

Ladies,

 

I have a doosy of a story for you, and need some advice... or rather reassurance that I wasn't completely off base.

 

It all started back in December. As an aspiring entrepreneur, I sought out a man whose company I briefly worked for. I was inspired by his story because we had similar backgrounds and characteristics. So, I found myself very drawn to him after reading his bio and blog entries. Then, one night after a few too many glasses of wine, I looked him up on facebook, and I sent him a message. In the message, I told him all of those things, that I was inspired by his story, and wanted to hear about how he finally made it happen. Several weeks went by with no reply from him. So, I thought, "Oh well. He is a very busy, successful entrepreneur with a large company to run. He's too busy for me. I am just one in a million young people who reach out to him on a yearly bases." Then, one day, there it was in my inbox, a reply. The message said, "Elise, I am sorry. I am just now finding this. Please feel free to add me as a friend, or if you would like to call me, feel free." And, he listed his number. Of course, I never got the courage to call him. I stored his number and sent him a text thanking him for getting back with me, and I look forward to talking with him sometime soon.

 

As, time went on we started commenting back and forth on eachothers facebook posts, pictures, and what not. Kind of boarding on flirtatious. Then, he started texting me occasionally. Usually, about business stuff or just some random comment about his day. Then, one night I just came out and told him, "I think you're a stud." He replied with, "Careful. Flattery will get you everywhere." So, that began our "mixed signal" texting. Every other text would be flirtatious, and then every other text would be about business.

 

Then late December, he traveled to Mexico. He makes a comment to me late one night that he tried to get me a ticket down there, but it was too late. I thought, "Hmmm? Well, I think this guy might be interested in me." So, he gets down to Mexico and we continue texting and sending emails daily. By this point, hardly any of them are about business at all. And, late one evening, we had both been drinking, and we started flirting via text. The flirting lead to dirty picture sending, which lead to full-on phone sex. It was so much fun! We both got off. It was great.

 

The next morning, he texts me first thing when he wakes up, ":)" and we have phone sex AGAIN! (I never thought phone sex could be so much fun.) So, then he texts me later, "I hope you are having a great day!" So, now I am thinking this is heading somewhere, somewhere more then just mentor/ mentoree.

 

You should also know he is 42, single and never married with no kids. And, he is a millionaire.

 

Okay, so back to the story. So, I am just flabbergasted with excitement and the possibility of this man being in my life romantically! We have so much in common, and he is everything I could have ever wanted in a man. Smart, successful, strong, attractive, driven... and just an amazing person all around.

 

He returns from Mexico, meanwhile we have continued texting and emailing several times daily. Then, he comes up with this idea. He says he is starting a new company and would I consider moving out to California (where he lives), I can live with him, help him with the company and he'll "mentor" me. Of course, I say to him, "My bags are packed!" He laughs, and says, "Well let's think about it and not rush into anything too fast."

 

The New Year approaches, we continue to talk, text, email regularly. After the new year he tells me that the California plan is still on, and he's even got me a possible part-time job waiting to help ends meet while we start the new company. I am becoming more and more excited about it. Then, one day he says, "Just think... in a month or so we'll be snuggled up on the couch together." I am smiling ear to ear.

 

We engage in more phone sex, texting, flirting on facebook. He is giving me plenty of attention on a daily basis. Then he tells me he will be coming to Tennessee (where I live), on business, and that we should meet to talk about California and what not. So, he gets here. We are supposed to be meeting towards the end of his trip, but he calls me the day he arrives and asks me to come that day. So, I pack an overnight bag and head over to meet him. We meet and it's just so much fun. There is no awkwardness. He is a wine lover/ collector and opens a bottle of wine from the year I was born, 1986, and we drink, laugh and get to know eachother better. Everything is going great.

 

Later we are shooting pool at the mansion were we are staying. He comes over, and kisses me. And, then we are kissing and kissing. Then we end up in bed together. We have sex a total of 4 times during my 2 day visit with him. And, it was amazing. So much chemistry. But, he never mentions California...

 

So, as I am going to leave we have one last embrace and long kiss. He tells me to plan on coming back later on that week to talk about California. So, I plan on it. Then, I don't hear very much from him until a couple of days later. He sends a text that says, "Hey, Hey! I am going to call you in a bit!" So, he calls and says he doesn't think California is going to be a good place for me, and not is it necessary for me to come back over to talk about it. Now, I will also mention that he had already bought me bedroom furniture and everything for the California move. I also quit my job to be available for it. Now, suddenly, he decides it isn't going to happen.

 

So, understandably I am hurt, and he can't understand why. I tell him that I have developed feelings for him during the time we had talked, he said he did not feel the same way. And, said he was completely "caught of guard" by the fact that I had these feelings towards him. So, I lash out and write some negative things on my facebook. He gets mad about it and hides me from his newsfeed. Then everything just goes down hill at an incredible rate. We stop communicating very much. No more texting, no more playing, no more "liking" eachother facebook posts or comments, everything just stopped.

 

Then, the other day, as I was starting to heal and move on, he starts communicating with me through a game app on the phone. We start playing this game with eachother multiple times a day. This game app also has a chat box, he's is talking with me through it. Nothing sexual or flirtatious though. Then about 2 days ago, he send me an email saying that the reason why he is not commenting on my facebook anymore is because of "how things went down" he does not want to overstep any boundaries, but that he wants nothing but the best for me. I reply that I understand, and that I am sorry he feels that way. That I never intended anything to get weird between us and just wish everything would go back the way it was. I told him that I should have been more honest with him because I am not capable of casual sex. And, that I am just sorry it ever happened.

 

He then replies with an email stating that I am showing tension towards him and at this time he is going to unfriend us on facebook and move on. Not only does he unfriend us on facebook, he blocks me, he cancels the game we had been playing on the phone, he unfollows me on instagram, the whole 9 yards. So, I am devastated. I start crying and trying to call him... he tells me to stop calling. I am so confused and hurt. I cry off and on for 2 days, banging my head up against the wall trying to figure out what went wrong.

 

So, last night I send him one last heart felt email. He calls me this morning and we talk. He says he is doing this because of some of the things I was posting seemed hostile towards him, which was an exaggeration. If anything, I thought we were on the path back to being friends again. He spins it to be 100% about him not being about to be a mentor towards me anymore because I was obviously too hurt by the situation. Says it just best if we aren't about to see each other facebooks or anything.

 

So, ladies... here is where I need advice. How could I have been so wrong about this man? It just seemed like in the beginning he was interested me as I was him and did like me. But, then everything changed after I told him I liked him. Whats the most hurtful is he claims to have NEVER had these feelings. Was I being played? Did he just change his mind about me after he met me? What happened? Where did I go wrong?

[mitchell]

Wow, a successful millionaire. I hope the sex and the old wine were good for you because that's all you got from this encounter.

 

He sounds like he is married or has a serious GF and was happy to use you for his pleasure.

[ja123]

he is a single, millionaire player... you fell for his game hook, line and sinker...

 

sorry to be blunt, but you've been used and abused...

 

delete all numbers etc, learn from it and move on...

 

don't blame yourself... naive yes, in the wrong... no.. just young I guess...

 

 

 

This, unfortunately.

 

He lead you down the garden path.

 

Sorry, it had to happen; but, look at it as a learning experience.

 

Then go out and chase your dreams! Keep it professional with people! Get some women mentors!

 

Build yourself up by yourself, then you'll know you really did it! Instead of piggy-backing on someone else's success. Nothing's for nothing, you know.

[Divasu]

Hmm. Sounds like something I would read in a book with a picture of Fabio on the cover.

[clia]

I'm going to start at the end:

 

So, ladies... here is where I need advice. How could I have been so wrong about this man? It just seemed like in the beginning he was interested me as I was him and did like me. But, then everything changed after I told him I liked him. Whats the most hurtful is he claims to have NEVER had these feelings. Was I being played? Did he just change his mind about me after he met me? What happened? Where did I go wrong?

 

I've read through your entire post, and I don't see anywhere that he said he had feelings for you, wanted a relationship with you, was in love with you, or wanted a future with you. I'm not even sure that he misled or played you considering that he never said any of these things. He seems to think you were having a casual, sexual (albeit long distance) relationship, and I can't find anywhere in your post that he led you to believe it was anything more serious than that. I mean -- he's 42 and a millionaire. Do you think he doesn't have women falling all over him in California?

 

Where you went wrong is that you -- like many women -- started to develop feelings for him, and automatically assumed that he was developing the same feelings for you. He wasn't. He didn't. And when he realized you had those feelings in what he thought was a fun, casual, sexual relationship, he bailed.

 

Let's now go back to the beginning and parse this out:

 

It all started back in December. As an aspiring entrepreneur, I sought out a man whose company I briefly worked for...So, I found myself very drawn to him after reading his bio and blog entries. Then, one night after a few too many glasses of wine, I looked him up on facebook, and I sent him a message. In the message, I told him all of those things, that I was inspired by his story, and wanted to hear about how he finally made it happen... Then, one day, there it was in my inbox, a reply. The message said, "Elise, I am sorry. I am just now finding this. Please feel free to add me as a friend, or if you would like to call me, feel free." And, he listed his number.

 

You approach him; he sees a (I assume) attractive, young woman. He thinks: GREAT!

 

As, time went on we started commenting back and forth on eachothers facebook posts, pictures, and what not. Kind of boarding on flirtatious. Then, he started texting me occasionally. Usually, about business stuff or just some random comment about his day. Then, one night I just came out and told him, "I think you're a stud." He replied with, "Careful. Flattery will get you everywhere." So, that began our "mixed signal" texting. Every other text would be flirtatious, and then every other text would be about business.

 

You made the first move.

 

Then late December, he traveled to Mexico. He makes a comment to me late one night that he tried to get me a ticket down there, but it was too late. I thought, "Hmmm? Well, I think this guy might be interested in me." So, he gets down to Mexico and we continue texting and sending emails daily.

 

This is empty talk. He's a millionaire -- too late to get a ticket? How many days was he there? People say these kinds of things to pretend like they are invested and act like they have an excuse for not doing it. "Oh, darn, it's too late to get a ticket." Spare me.

 

By this point, hardly any of them are about business at all. And, late one evening, we had both been drinking, and we started flirting via text. The flirting lead to dirty picture sending, which lead to full-on phone sex. It was so much fun! We both got off. It was great.

 

You just had phone sex with a man you had never met in person (right?) and had never gone out on a date with.

 

The next morning, he texts me first thing when he wakes up, ":)" and we have phone sex AGAIN! (I never thought phone sex could be so much fun.) So, then he texts me later, "I hope you are having a great day!"

 

Of course he's happy. You are having phone sex with him!

 

So, now I am thinking this is heading somewhere, somewhere more then just mentor/ mentoree.

 

Because you had phone sex? Or did he say something to give you this impression?

 

You should also know he is 42, single and never married with no kids. And, he is a millionaire.

 

So obviously he has no other options in real life.

 

Okay, so back to the story. So, I am just flabbergasted with excitement and the possibility of this man being in my life romantically!

 

Here is where I'm missing something. Why did you think he wanted a romantic relationship with you? Because he flirted with you and had phone sex with you?

 

We have so much in common, and he is everything I could have ever wanted in a man. Smart, successful, strong, attractive, driven... and just an amazing person all around.

 

Meanwhile, has he ever told you that you are everything he has ever wanted in a woman?

 

He returns from Mexico, meanwhile we have continued texting and emailing several times daily. Then, he comes up with this idea. He says he is starting a new company and would I consider moving out to California (where he lives), I can live with him, help him with the company and he'll "mentor" me.

 

This is afterglow empty talk from the phone sex. He's inviting you out to live with him and have sex with him, like one of Hugh Hefner's little bunnies. Or maybe he's just trying to reel you in...

 

Of course, I say to him, "My bags are packed!" He laughs, and says, "Well let's think about it and not rush into anything too fast."

 

And then reality hits him...you might actually take him up on the offer!

 

The New Year approaches, we continue to talk, text, email regularly. After the new year he tells me that the California plan is still on, and he's even got me a possible part-time job waiting to help ends meet while we start the new company.

 

Um...so the millionaire who wants you to live with him has arranged for a part time job for you until you start the new company? This is not the sign of a man who wants a serious romantic relationship with you. He's thinking casual sex, and he does not want to have to support you.

 

I am becoming more and more excited about it. Then, one day he says, "Just think... in a month or so we'll be snuggled up on the couch together." I am smiling ear to ear.

 

Still, has he asked you to be exclusive? Asked you to be his girlfriend? Told you he loved you? Told you he really liked you? Told you he wanted to have a relationship with you? You haven't even visited him at this point. Couldn't this millionaire cop for a plane ticket for you to California for the weekend after all this time? Didn't that seem odd to you?

 

We engage in more phone sex, texting, flirting on facebook. He is giving me plenty of attention on a daily basis. Then he tells me he will be coming to Tennessee (where I live), on business, and that we should meet to talk about California and what not. So, he gets here. We are supposed to be meeting towards the end of his trip, but he calls me the day he arrives and asks me to come that day.

 

He probably had no other sex options in Tennesse, so he figured why not meet up with you sooner!

 

Later we are shooting pool at the mansion were we are staying. He comes over, and kisses me. And, then we are kissing and kissing. Then we end up in bed together. We have sex a total of 4 times during my 2 day visit with him. And, it was amazing. So much chemistry. But, he never mentions California...

 

Why didn't you bring it up?

 

So, as I am going to leave we have one last embrace and long kiss. He tells me to plan on coming back later on that week to talk about California. So, I plan on it. Then, I don't hear very much from him until a couple of days later. He sends a text that says, "Hey, Hey! I am going to call you in a bit!" So, he calls and says he doesn't think California is going to be a good place for me, and not is it necessary for me to come back over to talk about it. Now, I will also mention that he had already bought me bedroom furniture and everything for the California move. I also quit my job to be available for it. Now, suddenly, he decides it isn't going to happen.

 

Did you actually see all this stuff he supposedly bought you for the move? How do you know he wasn't just redecorating his house? Also, quitting your job before you all finalized the plans was really silly -- but I'm sure you know that already.

 

I don't know the details about what went on the night you spent with him, but it's possible that he saw how invested you were in him and decided to cool his heels. Nothing you've posted to this point has given any indication that he was after more than sex with you.

 

I'm not going to go on...

 

You are still pretty young, so just take this from the experience: You can't assume that a man wants a relationship with you just because he is having sex (or phone sex) with you. If you aren't capable of having "no strings attached" sex, then don't have sex (or phone sex) with men who haven't committed to you. And don't assume you are in a relationship until you actually have that discussion.

 

All you can do now is move on.