marriedman2 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Hi everyone, My story is long and complicated but let me lay out the events and try to explain them. My wife and I have been married just over 5 years and have been together 8 years. Over those 5 years, we were separated for about 15 months in total. The first time when I left from Sweden for 10 months to go to my home country of Ukraine. The first separation came a result of my decision alone to leave. At the time, I believed I couldn't live with this woman and I wasn't sure I loved her. We were fighting every day and our fights were very long, loud and destructive. Most of the source of the fights had to do with her being jealous and feeling unloved and my insistence on maintaining the few friends I had in a foreign country.Upon coming back, I had an emotional affair a few months later. I truly did not intend to leave my wife but got far too close to a woman who I was sharing intimate details about my marriage problems. It was a very difficult time, during which she starting physically hitting me and our fights got worse and worse. During this time, we had 2 more separation for 2 months each. We have always loved each other and have always supported each other but didn't always click on an every day basis. I was not a good husband to her in terms of emotional support or emotional understanding but I would contend that I was kind and did everything I could for her and her family in order to make their lives easier. It was the way I showed love. However, in retrospect I have realized this was not what she needed. Finally, 3 months ago we just decided almost nonchalantly that it was time for divorce. We talked some during this time but mostly kept our distance. We at times reached out to the other about our doubts but pressed on with the divorce. Then, about a month ago I received a phone call from her telling me she had something to tell me. Something that would make me hate her. She had slept with a former coworker that she had had a crush on earlier. But not only that, but that the day after he stopped calling her and told her he had no emotional feelings. I was aware that she had some feelings for him and indeed it was a bit hurtful. However, it was really the fact that she was used in such a way that hurt me. I was less jealous and more sympathetic. I was so touched that she would open-up to me about this that I couldn't think about anything else. She revealed to me that it was tearing her up because she thought it might mean we could never be together. It was a paradigm shifting moment for me. She revealed this remarkably difficult thing and something she expected to hurt me and yet it brought us closer together. I now thought of all of the times that I've withheld this sort of information as a loss to our relationship. I wish I had been more open with her and that we had never gotten to this point. Another thing that she revealed to me was that she had been dating a guy for the last couple of weeks and that he had told her that he had herpes and she wasn't sure she was willing to continue. I was honest with her in that I didn't think that it should be an issue, even if it did make me feel jealous. The next day I sent her an e-mail about wanting to open up and work things out. Since then, I've been very open about all the emotions I have been having and trying to apologize for all the times I've been closed and all the times I've been selfish. Never before, have I felt this way and never have I tried to hard to be open and communicative. Initially, she said "I'm not sure. I haven't made a decision". However, increasingly it's been: "I'm dating someone and I don't think it's appropriate for us to talk". I don't know what to do anymore. She's still replying to me in terms of simple requests but seems to have disengaged emotionally ever since opening up to me and especially since I have opened up in return. I asked her to go to counseling together to see if there's anything we can do. I asked her to talk to her mom or sister to try to show that I'm willing to change and become a better person. There doesn't seem to anything I can do to prove myself to her. All she says is "I need more space", but I wonder if the space will prove anything to her at all. I want to give her space if that's what she wants or needs but time is running out and I don't know what to do. I have even considered submitting a stop-divorce request to create dialog but I feel like that would be incredibly unfair to her because it would be against her will and throw a monkey wrench into current relationship. All I want is a chance. I know I've messed up. We've both messed up, but there is still a chance to fix it and I'm willing to. She seemed willing to but this new guy seems to have taken her heart in a serious way and she seems intent of keeping me out of her life in every way despite the fact that we are still married. What would you recommend?
mkrainy Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I kind of understand how she feels. my h and I fight quit alot and I always said he didn't love me. He always said he loved differently..as a result of many fight, now he decided to divorce and think we will never be happy. Even though your wife and you agree divorce together three months ago..obviously she still has emotional attachment to you. she felt the pain and so wanna date others to erase the pain. it take her certain level of courage to sleep with other because that almost mean she thought there is no return to the marriage. she might not like the new guy she's dating now that much, however, since she told you that she slept with her coworker, it's hard for her to convince herself to get back to the marriage. she felt that the damage would never be recovered. That will be how I feel if I am in your wife...because she sound like who I was. ...and you sound like my h except he now wants to divorce me. Were you so firm about your divorce? And what makes you change your mind
ver13 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 All things are possible under the sun when it comes to people and relationships. But you both have to truly want it to make it so... The tag along buddy thing has to stop if you have any hopes of repairing your M. That's up to your W to decide whether she is capable of acting like an adult and finishing this thing with you before she strikes out on her own. As for the friends that you insisted on maintaining after you got married I hope that you learned something from it. No want wants to compete with an adversary that that don't know, I mean how can they if they can't see what they are up against. If you really have had some insight on your behavior in your M and found that you have made mistakes go to her and tell her. But bear in mind that she may not want to hear what you have to say. Also are you really ready to except what she has been up too...ie dating while married? If you say that you are fine with it carry on. But I think that most people would have some resentment lingering around. Which means that you will both have to go to some real relationship counseling.
GuyInLimbo Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I'm a lot more pessimistic than ver13. You guys clearly don't belong together. The relationship has been toxic and immature since the beginning. Why are you trying to force things? What the hell do you get out of staying in something so destructive and unhealthy? And she's already dating!! MOVE ON, MAN!!
amaysngrace Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I'd go through with the divorce if I were you. It sounds like her feelings for you have changed and that's why she opened up to you because in her mind the marriage is over so why not be honest? You're seeing it as a connection where I think it shows a disconnect.
Author marriedman2 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 The biggest difference is that I am actually able to feel for the first time in my life. I was closed down, refused to feel anything, even when we decided to come together before I was trying to do it logically and with my own agenda for the relationship and not for the sake of creating a union. I also denied the fact that I was in fault in any way during those times and have accepted my faults and want to work on them. That's the biggest difference I see right now. As far as why she told me those things - I disagreed that I was friend-zoned at the time. She specifically said she was afraid to tell me because she thought it might mean I'd hate hurt and that it would kill any chance at reconciliation. That being said, I'm pretty sure it's pretty intense with this guy and in the past 8 years, she's been fiercely loyal so I think she's switched alliances and don't see her wanting to come back unless something happens. It's only been about a month that she's been with this guy but they seem like they're hanging out a lot and that it's already pretty serious. It seems that my best hope is that he either ****s up or that something happens that will show her that he's not for her. I wish I could convince her to come back but I don't think that's gonna work when she says she needs "space". I just don't know what to do to be honest... she doesn't want contact.
GuyInLimbo Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 It seems that my best hope is that he either ****s up or that something happens that will show her that he's not for her. I wish I could convince her to come back but I don't think that's gonna work when she says she needs "space". I just don't know what to do to be honest... she doesn't want contact. Stop "hoping." You're acting desperately and that will only push a woman further away. You need to break free and find your own happiness with someone else.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 The biggest difference is that I am actually able to feel for the first time in my life. I was closed down, refused to feel anything, even when we decided to come together before I was trying to do it logically and with my own agenda for the relationship and not for the sake of creating a union. I also denied the fact that I was in fault in any way during those times and have accepted my faults and want to work on them. That's the biggest difference I see right now. I don't think you'd be successful in a relationship with her - or anyone else - until you understand why her disclosure caused the difference in your feelings and thought process. You sound very passive/aggressive in terms of being closed off to her while married but hyper-interested now that you're getting divorced and she's seeing someone else. Not a healthy paradigm and a process best explored in IC... Mr. Lucky 1
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