jlindemann Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 So, for valentine's day, I don't have a bunch of money to spend on the BF. I decided to do 14 days of valentines, each day I have a heart taped to his fridge with a reason why I love him, and a small gift. He told me yesterday how he has a friend who had an ex that bought him a car, tv, and other ridiculous things. I asked him what he meant by that, and he said he's not used to it. He also says he feels bad, because he can't buy me nice things in return. I don't know if my attempt at being silly and cute with my "14 days" is now backfiring on me?? Seriously, these small gifts are not expensive, and just my attempt at showing him that I love him. Some days I was just planning on baking or cooking him something as opposed to a gift. Should I stop?
MidwestUSA Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I think your idea is great. Even without the small gifts, the "reason a day" is awesome. Sounds as if he feels guilty about not having a lot of money. I do hope he (and you) realize the big gifts of cars, etc., are more about stroking the ego of the giver. (and my personal opinion is that it's a totally overblown 'holiday'). If I had a guy who came up with your idea, I'd know he's a keeper. 1
Njeanne Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Valentine isn't about spending money to show you love someone. Valentine should be about spending time with your SO. I wouldn't care if I didn't get anything special, a kiss, hug and one rose or going out to dinner would be good enough. Love isn't about money.
Author jlindemann Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 I didn't know if he brought up the friend's situation because he felt like I was doing too much also (but not to that extreme). I do think he feels bad because he can't buy me things in return...but honestly I don't expect things. I'm really the kind of person that likes to give rather than receive something in return.
MidwestUSA Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I'm really the kind of person that likes to give rather than receive something in return. A lot depends on whether he can accept this rare quality. I hope he embraces it, because you deserve someone who does!
Keenly Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 What your doing is fantastic. I wish I had a girl that even had one reason to love me lol and you apparently have 14. 1
Author jlindemann Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 A lot depends on whether he can accept this rare quality. I hope he embraces it, because you deserve someone who does! For Christmas, I bought him a few things, nothing overboard. But he told me that he wanted me to go shopping and pick out something that I wanted but didn't get. I politely declined and informed him that I prefer to give gifts rather than receive them. On another occassion, he also told me he wishes he could buy me things, because he used to be "quite the gift giver". But ever since he bought his house, he hasn't had much extra money. I try to keep letting him know I don't expect things in return, I just love giving gifts. But I think maybe he is starting to feel really bad about always getting something but never giving anything??
MidwestUSA Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 For Christmas, I bought him a few things, nothing overboard. But he told me that he wanted me to go shopping and pick out something that I wanted but didn't get. I politely declined and informed him that I prefer to give gifts rather than receive them. On another occassion, he also told me he wishes he could buy me things, because he used to be "quite the gift giver". But ever since he bought his house, he hasn't had much extra money. I try to keep letting him know I don't expect things in return, I just love giving gifts. But I think maybe he is starting to feel really bad about always getting something but never giving anything?? If he wanted to take you shopping so you could pick out something that you wouldn't normally buy for yourself, you should have done it. For him. IF he was sincere and could afford it at the time. He is definitely feeling guilty about not being able to afford things for you. Maybe you should cut back on purchased gifts and exchange handmade coupons for back rubs, foot massages, etc. Be sure to let him know how much you appreciate the fact that he handles his money well and is a responsible homeowner.
Author jlindemann Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 Thanks! I declined because I felt like he was doing it because he had to (he probably also wanted to), but I don't want to make someone broke because they bought me something. I would feel awful!! I also do things around his house, because i'm there a lot. I feel like its my way to contribute since I don't pay rent or bills there. i'm starting to worry he thinks i'm mothering him which would be awful! I really am not. I just like to show affection, and I also feel like I should chip in with the cleaning and stuff around his house since i'm there often.
MidwestUSA Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Thanks! I declined because I felt like he was doing it because he had to (he probably also wanted to), but I don't want to make someone broke because they bought me something. I would feel awful!! I also do things around his house, because i'm there a lot. I feel like its my way to contribute since I don't pay rent or bills there. i'm starting to worry he thinks i'm mothering him which would be awful! I really am not. I just like to show affection, and I also feel like I should chip in with the cleaning and stuff around his house since i'm there often. You may have to simply come out and ask him. Some men take "mothering" as an affront to their manhood. Fear of what their friends will say and all that BS. It sounds like you are doing a lot of things right. Can you ask him what he meant by that one comment?
Els Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 IMO, he is uncomfortable because you're not allowing him to reciprocate, for instance not allowing him to get you a Christmas gift. You prefer to give rather than receive, but what if he likes to give too?? Shouldn't you allow him to do so if he wants? If you're staying over at his place rent-free I don't think it's a bad idea to chip in with the housework. It's likely to be a separate issue if it's one at all. In your position, I'd continue to help out with the housework, but allow him to give gifts if he feels so inclined to.
Author jlindemann Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 to clairify, he did get me two small gifts for christmas. I think he felt bad that he didnt get me more, which is why he told me to go shopping. I declined because I didnt want him to spend more then he could afford. In my mind he already bought what he could afford. He was actually super excited about his gift I left for him yesterday though. I didn't see him at all, but left it at his house for when he got home.
Got it Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 to clairify, he did get me two small gifts for christmas. I think he felt bad that he didnt get me more, which is why he told me to go shopping. I declined because I didnt want him to spend more then he could afford. In my mind he already bought what he could afford. He was actually super excited about his gift I left for him yesterday though. I didn't see him at all, but left it at his house for when he got home. See to me this isn't him giving you a gift that required any effort. He is having you go out and pick it up and he is just going to foot the bill. A very lazy way to gift give. Why not, instead, plan things for you two to do together so it gifts both of you. A wine tasting, parachute jumping, snorkeling, hiking, etc. Spending money is easy to do and you can buy some amazingly expensive things but that doesn't mean it takes effort or heart. Your 14 days takes heart. Maybe he is stressing that he has to raise his bar?
candie13 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I couldn't care less about the V.Day... but if I'm not getting flowers, he's out. Yes, totally irrational. I don't even know if we're going to last until the VDay, but I don't care. one lousy flower, that's all I want. and NO, he has no idea I am expecting that, he actually said he doesn't think much or celebrate much the VDay. oh, we're also in a sort of denial period . it's gonna be so much fun!!! to come back to the OP: that is truly wonderful! Way too much, but truly wonderful. One thing, as in one big cake (you can invite all your friends for left overs), one big surprise, one poem, one gift... more than enough. 14 is ... a LOT! Stick to nicely written love quotes that you can hide in his pocket, next time !
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