candie13 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Usually when we are hurt we tend to center ourselves and work on improving things in our lives (physically, emotionally, career, etc) Some people (myself included) lose their self identity when they are in a relationship. Once out they try to rediscover themselves again. At least thats whats happening to me. Oh, God, please, having my heart cut open to that extent... anyway, it's in the past, I'm over it now, and very glad to keep it there.
Heartfail Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Ha! So true! Soon someone else will have to eat his disgusting pasta bake soon- that I will NOT miss! How old are you if you don't mind me asking? I'm 30 and my ex started hooking up with a 22 year old weeks after we ended- that was kind of ouch!
Author becks77 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 Ha! So true! Soon someone else will have to eat his disgusting pasta bake soon- that I will NOT miss! How old are you if you don't mind me asking? I'm 30 and my ex started hooking up with a 22 year old weeks after we ended- that was kind of ouch! I'm 33 and it sucks to think that he's with a younger girl - I don't know that he is but I'm just going to think the worst because, well you know, I may as well It's weird because he said he would never go out with someone younger because he had in the past and they never had anything in common - and by younger, I mean younger than 30. It just makes me realise that he was talking complete sh*t - he just wants someone who will worship him and not challenge him - so hopefully that's what he will get. You sound like you're doing ok - how long have you been NC?
Heartfail Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Well we're certainly not over the hill at 30 and 33 by any stretch of the imagination! We haven't had NC yet- even if once a week, we have email contact usually initiated by me but he aways responds with a question and we end up having a bit of a chat. This isn't working for me though... he is friends with my housemates and goes running regularly with one of them- he came over yesterday to pick her up and saw me in tears and now they have agreed he won't come back again (I had asked for this a few weeks ago but his version of this was to come and get changed outside the house whilst my housemate put his belongings in our living room..!?) That was much worse.... Thats why I ended up on here today- so hopefully today is the start of NC. How long have you been separated? Sorry if I am asking loads of questions there's just something about how you are writing and what you're saying that i 'get'!
Heartfail Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 p.s very hard not to think the worse- funny how our average unmotivated exes suddenly become the epitomy of suave babe magnets living the high life partying having fun and snaring anyone they want after the break up... well in our heads at least!!
Own Worst Enemy Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 This is exactly what I am doing! Everything from the lurch when I realised I hadn't thought about him or composed a furious speech for 2 hours to the repainting of a selfabsorbed social retard into Casanova. At least we're not alone eh?! 1
Author becks77 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 No we're not! But those little doubts can creep in...you know - the 'what if I don't' doubts - although I keep telling myself that when I thought that in the past I ended up meeting someone... We split in September but then he kept me on the hook by telling me that he still loved me etc and he missed me but that he couldn't see a relationship with me at that time - but conveniently he couldn't say he never would. So for about 3 months we continued to see each other and sleep together - and he was very sweet etc - but it devastated me - I couldn't sleep and when he told me he was going to go on a dating site - well that was it - I couldn't cope with that so I told him not to contact me ever again. That was on the 24th Nov (can't believe I know that) and apart from him texting me a lovely xmas message (thanks for that little present on xmas day!) we've had no other contact. We were together for nearly 2 years but he was my first love after my first love (if that makes sense) I was with someone for 12 years before - who cheated - and it was probably my first real 'grown-up' relationship. When did you guys split? You really should go NC - it's the only thing that helps really - to the point that I would actually hate to run in to him because I don't want to go back to square one - and that's what you're doing every time you email/see him.
Author becks77 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 Well we're certainly not over the hill at 30 and 33 by any stretch of the imagination! We haven't had NC yet- even if once a week, we have email contact usually initiated by me but he aways responds with a question and we end up having a bit of a chat. This isn't working for me though... he is friends with my housemates and goes running regularly with one of them- he came over yesterday to pick her up and saw me in tears and now they have agreed he won't come back again (I had asked for this a few weeks ago but his version of this was to come and get changed outside the house whilst my housemate put his belongings in our living room..!?) That was much worse.... Thats why I ended up on here today- so hopefully today is the start of NC. How long have you been separated? Sorry if I am asking loads of questions there's just something about how you are writing and what you're saying that i 'get'! meant to quote you in that last post - my sad story
Author becks77 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 This is exactly what I am doing! Everything from the lurch when I realised I hadn't thought about him or composed a furious speech for 2 hours to the repainting of a selfabsorbed social retard into Casanova. At least we're not alone eh?! Why do we do it!!?? My ex is like the most amazing adonis that ever lived now - my brain is obviously in meltdown mode!
Own Worst Enemy Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 God knows. It makes no sense. I think it's a tangled up combination of grieving the loss of the good stuff, idealising them, glossing over the bad points, panicking about them replacing us, and the loss of the potential future together. Like a giant washing machine of trauma spinning it all around! I am capable of convincing myself of anything. Eg his sister in law, who is my only point of contact (I am as sure as I can be that she won't mention him or what he is doing; really hope I am right as I don't want to cut her off, but no contact is keeping me going) doesn't message me back on fb for a few hours? This doesn't mean she is busy with her son or her own life, or just plain doesn't have anything to say, oh no. It means he has met someone and she doesn't know what to say to me. Also, I know he will be online dating. I can cope if I don't know anything about it. But I am convinced that he is going to end up dating someone I know. Because cities of 8,000,000 people are that small, right? I think we should all tell each other our secret fears and things we torture ourselves with; we might be able to make each other laugh it out a but! 1
Author becks77 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 God knows. It makes no sense. I think it's a tangled up combination of grieving the loss of the good stuff, idealising them, glossing over the bad points, panicking about them replacing us, and the loss of the potential future together. Like a giant washing machine of trauma spinning it all around! I am capable of convincing myself of anything. Eg his sister in law, who is my only point of contact (I am as sure as I can be that she won't mention him or what he is doing; really hope I am right as I don't want to cut her off, but no contact is keeping me going) doesn't message me back on fb for a few hours? This doesn't mean she is busy with her son or her own life, or just plain doesn't have anything to say, oh no. It means he has met someone and she doesn't know what to say to me. Also, I know he will be online dating. I can cope if I don't know anything about it. But I am convinced that he is going to end up dating someone I know. Because cities of 8,000,000 people are that small, right? I think we should all tell each other our secret fears and things we torture ourselves with; we might be able to make each other laugh it out a but! Oh I always fear that I won't meet someone like him - even though I thought that about my ex before him! I have convenient memory loss in that respect! When we first broke up if i heard a motorbike engine outside my flat i would imagine that it was him coming back to get me. Ridiculous!! Even though I am pretty much resigned to the fact ot's over, there is still a small part of me that thinks he'll contact me - wishful thinking i know - and I need to keep thinking that i'm better off without him!
Heartfail Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Hahah! It is sad but you seem very sane and you sound like the kind of person who once you are out of it you will be able to look back and laugh and learn something! We broke up on November 11th... Dating site is I think an easy rebound for someone out of a relationship looking for something to distract from the break up. Even if they/you are the one doing the ending it's still completely confusing to be back out in the world as an individual having been a pair for so long. If our exes are the heroin addiction, dating websites and 22 year old girls are I suppose the E for them. Quick fix lots of physical contact and feelings of euphoric love... I completely understand first love after your first love. He was the first adult love I have ever had. This dialogue is making me feel a million times better- I dont want to wallow anymore there is definitely someone else out there for me but I really should just enjoy being me again for a while- I don't have to watch mind numbing TV anymore, I don't have to eat jacket potatoes and chicken 3 times a week, I don't have to spend the whole summer sitting in the shade because someones skin doesn't react well to heat (true story) and I these are all positives. What don't you miss about your ex?? It's such a good exercise listing it!
Author becks77 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 Hahah! It is sad but you seem very sane and you sound like the kind of person who once you are out of it you will be able to look back and laugh and learn something! We broke up on November 11th... Dating site is I think an easy rebound for someone out of a relationship looking for something to distract from the break up. Even if they/you are the one doing the ending it's still completely confusing to be back out in the world as an individual having been a pair for so long. If our exes are the heroin addiction, dating websites and 22 year old girls are I suppose the E for them. Quick fix lots of physical contact and feelings of euphoric love... I completely understand first love after your first love. He was the first adult love I have ever had. This dialogue is making me feel a million times better- I dont want to wallow anymore there is definitely someone else out there for me but I really should just enjoy being me again for a while- I don't have to watch mind numbing TV anymore, I don't have to eat jacket potatoes and chicken 3 times a week, I don't have to spend the whole summer sitting in the shade because someones skin doesn't react well to heat (true story) and I these are all positives. What don't you miss about your ex?? It's such a good exercise listing it! I think we'll both be ok - it does irk me that I have been reduced to a headcase thinking about a guy that doesn't think about me (although I tell myself sometimes that he might ... and I would never have thought I'd have to come on a site like this - not that I'm knocking it - it has been a life-saver! It definitely helps to talk to kindred spirits! You're right about the dating site stuff - I mean, no offence but what 20 yr old goes for a 40 yr old on a dating site Ok, that's a bit mean but...it makes me feel a bit better if only for a moment! Well I love your list about your ex - great to start that 'better off without him' mantra! I don't miss these things: he used to use a sunbed (yes - once a week), he was obsessed with the gym and not eating carbs, he would just walk off and leave me if we had a row, he didn't have many friends, he always took the other side in a discussion (just for the hell of it), he listened to terrible dance music, oh I could go on! I bet you've got plenty more too! You should definitely enjoy being you - I tried to date too soon and it just made things worse! You have to be happy alone - I'm getting there bit by bit - apart from the odd bad day!
Hopeful79 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 afraid of letting go, huh? been there, done that... as long as you're not destroying your life in the process, you've got at least that. I've always thought that the most difficult part of a relationship, when you were very much involved, isn't leaving, but letting go... I can't seem to let go either. My ex thinks I have...but I haven't. I want him more than ever...and it hurts. I have fantasies we are together again...I dream about him and then don't want to wake up and face the truth...he is gone, he doesn't want me anymore. The most he wants is a friend he can still have sex with...:-( I hate this.
Hopeful79 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 don't you miss about your ex?? It's such a good exercise listing it! 1. His cheese phobia 2. He would leave me all the time at events or restaurants for 20-30 min. to use the toilet...so annoying and embarrassing 3. Hours of playing Dominion (an online card game) every night 4. His lack of empathy - this was a big one 5. He would hump my leg to initiate sex 6. His constant napping 7. His huge ego 8. Putting his fingers in his ears when he didn't want to listen to me or was annoyed with what I was saying Feel a bit better now :-)
Author becks77 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 1. His cheese phobia 2. He would leave me all the time at events or restaurants for 20-30 min. to use the toilet...so annoying and embarrassing 3. Hours of playing Dominion (an online card game) every night 4. His lack of empathy - this was a big one 5. He would hump my leg to initiate sex 6. His constant napping 7. His huge ego 8. Putting his fingers in his ears when he didn't want to listen to me or was annoyed with what I was saying Feel a bit better now :-) You are definitely better off without him! Humpinf your leg! No! and number 8! Geez my dear - you had a lucky escape I think! Not to take away from the fact that you must be hurting - I'm sure there were some good things too - but you must keep your list handy - it will remind you why it is good that you broke up! 1
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