becks77 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I was going along quite happily one morning and then it hit me...I hadn't thought about him for at least an hour. I actually congratulated myself for not thinking about him and then rewarded myself with...yep, that's right, more thinking. About him. Grrrr! I'm addicted to it - I actually think about him because it has become a habit - I don't know if that really is the case but it feels like I only think about him because my mind has got used to doing it. Oh here comes that memory again...you know, the one where he surprised me with...made me dinner....kissed me for hours...We all know how it goes - these little memories become like friends, we get to know them inside out, they glow, we cling to them, we make those moments seem infinitely better than they actually ever really were. Oh look there's that restaurant we ate in...the motorbike he drives....that film we watched in bed...There goes my mind again, injecting the drug that I can't quite stop taking. Yes I miss him, yes I want him to want me back. Will it happen? I'm quite sure that it won't. I know this but I choose to ignore it and take another hit of the 'missing him' pill. I hope I am just addicted to the pain because then maybe one day I'll be clean and free! 2
cdt76 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Some times only the pain makes us feel better. I know I'm going through exactly what you wrote. It's awful. 1
candie13 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 afraid of letting go, huh? been there, done that... as long as you're not destroying your life in the process, you've got at least that. I've always thought that the most difficult part of a relationship, when you were very much involved, isn't leaving, but letting go... 3
Author becks77 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 I guess it does...and you would almost feel lonely without it - it's like a dark little shadow that follows you around all day tapping you on the shoulder - if you don't think about your ex, you suddenly remind yourself to - because that's what you're used to. Oh boy.
Author becks77 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 afraid of letting go, huh? been there, done that... as long as you're not destroying your life in the process, you've got at least that. I've always thought that the most difficult part of a relationship, when you were very much involved, isn't leaving, but letting go... I want to let go but my brain is not cooperating! one minute I'll think 'yeah, it's fine, I'm fine' and then the next minute it's not, I'm not. I'm past the crying every day and thinking about him all day phase, but the sadness is still there.
316 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I want to let go but my brain is not cooperating! one minute I'll think 'yeah, it's fine, I'm fine' and then the next minute it's not, I'm not. I'm past the crying every day and thinking about him all day phase, but the sadness is still there. Believe it or not you're actually making progress. Everything your feeling now is 100% natural and all part of the cycle. The pain we feel after relationships are over is actually a good thing (in the grand scheme of things)... It makes us stronger and allows us to improve on the things that went wrong in the relationship. I guess the old saying "no pain no gain" is disturbingly accurate. 1
candie13 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I would literally get panic attacks every time I would try to force myself to let it go, I totally feel you. But it's a toxic pattern, because you keep coming back to the same place, asking for another kick of adrenaline. I think there is some truth in the title of your thread: some people need the suffering / pain just like they need excitement, to feel alive. Ever heard of addictive personalities? Google this term, it helped me understand how my brain was working and why. Watch what you're eating and do some sport, it'll give your body a break. When you are suffering, you body is actually in pain as well. At this point, you need all the help you can get, so take care of yourself.
candie13 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I guess the old saying "no pain no gain" is disturbingly accurate. what would the gain be, other than her suffering like a little dog, here ?
Author becks77 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 Believe it or not you're actually making progress. Everything your feeling now is 100% natural and all part of the cycle. The pain we feel after relationships are over is actually a good thing (in the grand scheme of things)... It makes us stronger and allows us to improve on the things that went wrong in the relationship. I guess the old saying "no pain no gain" is disturbingly accurate. You're right and I know everything I'm going through is natural - just wish I had more control over my thoughts - one minute I'm looking ahead, next minute I'm trying to convince myself that if I contact him it will make him wake up and miss me. I'm not going to contact him but it takes alot of control not to...
ItxWillxGetxBetter Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I was going along quite happily one morning and then it hit me...I hadn't thought about him for at least an hour. I actually congratulated myself for not thinking about him and then rewarded myself with...yep, that's right, more thinking. About him. Grrrr! I'm addicted to it - I actually think about him because it has become a habit - I don't know if that really is the case but it feels like I only think about him because my mind has got used to doing it. Oh here comes that memory again...you know, the one where he surprised me with...made me dinner....kissed me for hours...We all know how it goes - these little memories become like friends, we get to know them inside out, they glow, we cling to them, we make those moments seem infinitely better than they actually ever really were. Oh look there's that restaurant we ate in...the motorbike he drives....that film we watched in bed...There goes my mind again, injecting the drug that I can't quite stop taking. Yes I miss him, yes I want him to want me back. Will it happen? I'm quite sure that it won't. I know this but I choose to ignore it and take another hit of the 'missing him' pill. I hope I am just addicted to the pain because then maybe one day I'll be clean and free! You are HILARIOUS!!! I was laughing at work and people are looking at me. Got close my office door next time. lol. Well...look on the bright side....at least your in the acceptance stage. You recognize that its an addiction and you know what the say...acceptance is the key to recovery...lol.
candie13 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 You're right and I know everything I'm going through is natural - just wish I had more control over my thoughts - one minute I'm looking ahead, next minute I'm trying to convince myself that if I contact him it will make him wake up and miss me. I'm not going to contact him but it takes alot of control not to... sounds silly, but yoga and meditation do wonders too, I forgot about that! 1
LostOne1 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 yeah I been there too. sometimes it's like we dig in the past and it bites us. I've been there in fact it feels like the past always comes back to bite me when I am finally feeling good and letting go. Almost like it is torturing me at times.. so it's tough.
Author becks77 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 You are HILARIOUS!!! I was laughing at work and people are looking at me. Got close my office door next time. lol. Well...look on the bright side....at least your in the acceptance stage. You recognize that its an addiction and you know what the say...acceptance is the key to recovery...lol. I bloody hope so - because I am so bored of it all!!! I'm glad I gave you a chuckle
316 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 what would the gain be, other than her suffering like a little dog, here ? What a lot of people fail to come to grips with post-breakup is that you and your SO broke up for a reason. SOMETHING went wrong in the relationship that caused the breakup. There's always a lesson to be learned/something to improve on after a breakup. And as bad as things seem now remember the pain is only temporary if you make the proper steps needed to get to where you want to be. Only YOU can control your own true happiness. 1
Author becks77 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 yeah I been there too. sometimes it's like we dig in the past and it bites us. I've been there in fact it feels like the past always comes back to bite me when I am finally feeling good and letting go. Almost like it is torturing me at times.. so it's tough. Yep - I'm feeling it today and then other days I'm fine - you think you've turned the corner and then it all comes back - weird how the mind works. That's why it feels like an addiction - almost like just when you've almost kicked the habit, your mind takes over and wants just one more hit, you know, because you've had a bad day or feel lonely...I've thought about times with my ex so much they almost feel like a movie now - all rose tinted and perfect - when it really wasn't.. 1
Author becks77 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 What a lot of people fail to come to grips with post-breakup is that you and your SO broke up for a reason. SOMETHING went wrong in the relationship that caused the breakup. There's always a lesson to be learned/something to improve on after a breakup. And as bad as things seem now remember the pain is only temporary if you make the proper steps needed to get to where you want to be. Only YOU can control your own true happiness. I totally agree about the 'break up because it was broken' idea - I know that there were things wrong, but like a little junkie, like the smoker that I am, even though I know it's bad for me..I take another drag - but I am absolutely determined to give it up - might need one of those patches though
Suziee Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I feel like I'm purposely wallowing in pain and just saturating myself with thoughts of him, even though I know, deep in my heart and mind, that I do not want him back in my life. I do think it's part of getting over. Better to have these thoughts now than repress them and have them resurface again and again later. I think, in due time, these thoughts will have less and less effect on my emotions. I've had break-ups, which I felt worse about, and I was able to recover from them so I know I'll get over this one, too. How long though, time will tell. Cheers, everyone. 1
ItxWillxGetxBetter Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 what would the gain be, other than her suffering like a little dog, here ? Usually when we are hurt we tend to center ourselves and work on improving things in our lives (physically, emotionally, career, etc) Some people (myself included) lose their self identity when they are in a relationship. Once out they try to rediscover themselves again. At least thats whats happening to me. 1
316 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I totally agree about the 'break up because it was broken' idea - I know that there were things wrong, but like a little junkie, like the smoker that I am, even though I know it's bad for me..I take another drag - but I am absolutely determined to give it up - might need one of those patches though Lol well trust me from the sounds of things you're doing a great job of coming to grips with your "addiction." Right now all we need is time. Here's some of the stuff I've been doing to make the pain easier to manage: 1) I avoid situations where I'm sitting around doing nothing as often as possible... Those are our weakest moments. So I keep myself busy. 2) I got rid of anything that reminded me of my ex (gifts, posters, clothes, etc). 3) Exercise has been shown to help relieve stress so I try to go on a run or at least a walk every day. 4) If I'm feeling particularly down I post here or I talk to my friends It's all very cliche stuff but it really works. Hope I helped! 2
Heartfail Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 This is such a perfect way of describing it! It is a habit- you do get addicted to thinking about them. I had a whole wonderful week where every time he came into my head I could just push it out and way- I felt amazing and so in control. Then came the bad week again when every time that memory of him of us slipped into my head it exploded into a thousand sub memories and it physically hurt. Emotional noro-virus it comes in waves. You sound like you are getting there though! 1
Suziee Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Usually when we are hurt we tend to center ourselves and work on improving things in our lives (physically, emotionally, career, etc) Some people (myself included) lose their self identity when they are in a relationship. Once out they try to rediscover themselves again. At least thats whats happening to me. There are also all those things you used to do together that you now have to do by yourself or not do anymore so you're constantly reminded by this "void" in your life. Every time I think of how much I miss him, I try to counter it with the thought, "but he's such a scumbag and you're so much better off without him." Saying it out loud is even better. 1
cavalier99 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 (edited) The pain and reliving some things is our last emotional connection to them. On some level we are all terrified of letting go of the pain and thoughts completely and becoming indifferent. Science gal said a change from primarily negative emotions to more positive one is change nonetheless and uncomfortable and strange. So we hold onto the pain and become used to it. It is ironic because we want to be recovered but on another subconscious level we dont. When it is finally gone and the emotional bond is broken or reduced to a great extent we are recovered. Science Gal termed it : "The Breakup after the Breakup" It is normal apparently to go thru this. Edited February 4, 2013 by cavalier99 1
Author becks77 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 Lol well trust me from the sounds of things you're doing a great job of coming to grips with your "addiction." Right now all we need is time. Here's some of the stuff I've been doing to make the pain easier to manage: 1) I avoid situations where I'm sitting around doing nothing as often as possible... Those are our weakest moments. So I keep myself busy. 2) I got rid of anything that reminded me of my ex (gifts, posters, clothes, etc). 3) Exercise has been shown to help relieve stress so I try to go on a run or at least a walk every day. 4) If I'm feeling particularly down I post here or I talk to my friends It's all very cliche stuff but it really works. Hope I helped! I'm doing some of that stuff - the keeping busy part is great - I got rid of all his stuff pretty quickly and deleted old messages etc - sounds like you've moved or are moving on which is where I hope to be very soon! I just hate living in the past and I hate wondering about things - if I had done things differently..blah blah blah - and it kills to think that he doesn't want me and wants someone else - reality and I'm slowly getting used to it
Heartfail Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Social networking sites are the enemy... the last time I felt this heartbroken was 11 years ago when I was 19. The internet was only just becoming widely available there was certainly no Facebook or Twitter. I deleted him and many of his friends who connected me to him but it is still too easy in those weak moments to find out some of what he is up to I do try and go out lots but annoyingly most of my friends are in relationships or not needing to go out and keep busy as much for me, unfortunatley he has loads of wing men and friends to hang out with. It makes me weirdly jealous. Why didnt we used to go out to all these things together- how come when I was with him he just wanted to watch reality TV and eat jacket potatoes?! 1
Author becks77 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 Social networking sites are the enemy... the last time I felt this heartbroken was 11 years ago when I was 19. The internet was only just becoming widely available there was certainly no Facebook or Twitter. I deleted him and many of his friends who connected me to him but it is still too easy in those weak moments to find out some of what he is up to I do try and go out lots but annoyingly most of my friends are in relationships or not needing to go out and keep busy as much for me, unfortunatley he has loads of wing men and friends to hang out with. It makes me weirdly jealous. Why didnt we used to go out to all these things together- how come when I was with him he just wanted to watch reality TV and eat jacket potatoes?! I hate all that stuff too - have been pretty good at avoiding fbook but did look at his new dating profile when i heard he joined a dating site - he's 41 and he put that he wanted to meet girls aged 20 - 36! I mean, come on! 20???!!! Of course I'm just jealous but come on! Yeah, it sucks when your ex suddenly becomes mr sociable and they were never like that with you - I was in a 12 year relationship that ended 18months before this disaster and I saw that ex change after we broke up - but luckily I was over him then. Just keep thinking about your ex eating jacket potatoes and being lazy - he may have some energy now but that won't last!
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