Woggle Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I was just thinking today and the moment that really convinced that my wife would be somebody I would want to be married was when we took a vacation to Miami together with not a single big fight and we had such a great time together. If you can do that for a week it is a sign that maybe you can live together. My ex and I had a huge blowup on nearly every single vacation we took including on incident where she humiliated me in front of a big crowd of people for some reason I can't even remember. If you can't go away with your SO for a few days without drama chances are it won't work. 8
candie13 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I agree, but you cannot compare vacation to everyday life either. My big ex and I had the best holidays ever, he enjoyed being active and discovering new places just as much as I did. But the process of going in vacation - from pinning down the dates to agreeing on the location - OMG, shoot me now! To go back to my main point: it is easy to have great holidays, or should I say, easier than having to live with a guy in the work - friends/ family - social commitments - house - chores - hobbies - me time universe. 2
mortensorchid Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Agreed. When you are away together spending 24 hours a day it's another ballgame. I remember one with an ex of mine where we didn't get seats next to each other on the plane. We both agreed to a little apart time and it was a good thing for both of us. 1
veggirl Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Im sure you could have seen signs that your ex was nuts before a vacation. You just ignored them. I don't think a vacation is that much of a test, because it's too far removed from real life. You can tell without living with someone, without a vacation, without a lot of things if someone is nuts. It's up to us to actually acknowledge the warnings. If someone is gonna stay with a crazy person, a vacation where they act up isn't gonna change that. 1
MrCastle Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Well vacations are different because they should be seen as a means to relax and escape. If you're having problems, that is a red flag but I would say don't get serious until you've hit rough patches and you know what you're getting into. Arguments will always be a part of relationships. How you and your SO choose to handle them will tell you a lot about them and your relationship. Never get involved with someone seriously until you've experienced the bad. 1
Mrlonelyone Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 +1 In college a good friend of mine went on a trip from IL to Seattle with his GF of about a year. I joked that one would either burry the other in a shallow grave, or they'd come back married. Now they both came back alive, but within a month they wren't a couple anymore. While vacation isn't every day life, it is a stress test to see how your intended reacts to adversity. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Totally agree. Took a road trip with a potential friend turned relationship and it was horrible. It was then that I decided before I marry the next one, I have to see how they handle a big trip. I am so laid back, I need someone who won't stress the eff out over everything and just ENJOY it.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I would add to that how they react to you being sick with the flu or something. A keeper will not shy away from wanting to nurse you to health. I guess we could say don't pledge to be there in sickness, for poorer, and worse unless you've seen them handel such a situation already. (Anyone can be there for you in the good times. You really need you spouse when things are rough.) 2
Author Woggle Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 I would add to that how they react to you being sick with the flu or something. A keeper will not shy away from wanting to nurse you to health. I guess we could say don't pledge to be there in sickness, for poorer, and worse unless you've seen them handel such a situation already. (Anyone can be there for you in the good times. You really need you spouse when things are rough.) Any crisis in general is a good measure for if they will truly be committed down the road. I don't need a fair weather partner. 4
Pyro Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I wouldn't go on vacation with someone unless we were serious already.
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I wouldn't go on vacation with someone unless we were serious already. Very true. I would never MARRY someone until I've experienced such a thing.
Author Woggle Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 The vacation would sort of be the final test. The biggest mistake I probably made the first time around was not serving her with divorce papers the minute we got home. That trip was a harbinger of things to come.
RogerWallace111 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I would add to that how they react to you being sick with the flu or something. A keeper will not shy away from wanting to nurse you to health. I guess we could say don't pledge to be there in sickness, for poorer, and worse unless you've seen them handel such a situation already. (Anyone can be there for you in the good times. You really need you spouse when things are rough.) Yeah, I can feel that. Shows a lot about how much they simply care about you not to mention their level of "commitment". I remember being super impressed/flattered by my ex the first time in our relationship that I got sick as hell. She very willingly took attentive care of me throughout and insisted on still kissing me, snuggling with me and even helping me out sexually. As clear as our incompatibility became after about 3 years, she had some very admirable qualities.
ja123 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I remember taking a vacation my my now ex. We'd been living together for 4 years, and couldn't even finish the sex we somehow thought we should have in idyllic surroundings. Needless to say, we broke up a few months later. Yeah, that vacation made our relationship woes day-glow! 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I was just thinking today and the moment that really convinced that my wife would be somebody I would want to be married was when we took a vacation to Miami together with not a single big fight and we had such a great time together. If you can do that for a week it is a sign that maybe you can live together. My ex and I had a huge blowup on nearly every single vacation we took including on incident where she humiliated me in front of a big crowd of people for some reason I can't even remember. If you can't go away with your SO for a few days without drama chances are it won't work. This is probably the only piece of actual, valuable dating advice I have ever seen since I have been on LS. It's a great piece of advice too. Kudos, dude.
TheZebra Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 That's how I know I can't marry someone like my mother When I travel with her it's drama from the moment we get in the airport until the minute the car pulls up to our house and the vacation's over. It's hell. Dunno how my dad handles it... he must be a saint.
Els Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I honestly had no idea that vacations were the big test for relationships. In fact, I'd say the opposite - vacations are where you're free of all the stresses of everyday life, the 'honeymoon' part of the relationship. IMO the litmus test is when you go through rough patches of life together - poverty, illness, work/school stress, family problems, etc. Most Rs break up over these, not vacation. 2
TheZebra Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I honestly had no idea that vacations were the big test for relationships. In fact, I'd say the opposite - vacations are where you're free of all the stresses of everyday life, the 'honeymoon' part of the relationship. IMO the litmus test is when you go through rough patches of life together - poverty, illness, work/school stress, family problems, etc. Most Rs break up over these, not vacation. I agree, but I think the point of the OP's post is inherently "if the person you're with turns fun time into hell time, you're gonna have a bad time" Which if you think about it is true. Vacations aren't supposed to be stressful, so if your partner is making something that's supposed to be ejoyable into something you can't wait to get away from, imagine what they're like in the bad times.
Pyro Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I honestly had no idea that vacations were the big test for relationships. In fact, I'd say the opposite - vacations are where you're free of all the stresses of everyday life, the 'honeymoon' part of the relationship. IMO the litmus test is when you go through rough patches of life together - poverty, illness, work/school stress, family problems, etc. Most Rs break up over these, not vacation. I agree. It is when times are at the toughest is when the true tests are present. Vacations are the times when to celebrate good times in a relationship. 1
Els Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I agree, but I think the point of the OP's post is inherently "if the person you're with turns fun time into hell time, you're gonna have a bad time" Which if you think about it is true. Vacations aren't supposed to be stressful, so if your partner is making something that's supposed to be ejoyable into something you can't wait to get away from, imagine what they're like in the bad times. Ahhh... okay, I get what you mean. But honestly, in that case, wouldn't you have noticed problems already in everyday life? I can't imagine a R where the problems ONLY manifest, or first begin to manifest, in a vacation. 1
Pyro Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I agree, but I think the point of the OP's post is inherently "if the person you're with turns fun time into hell time, you're gonna have a bad time" Which if you think about it is true. Vacations aren't supposed to be stressful, so if your partner is making something that's supposed to be ejoyable into something you can't wait to get away from, imagine what they're like in the bad times. This too, but then again you shouldn't vacation with someone until you are serious with them and by the time that the seriousness level reaches in a relationship I would hope that you would know a person well enough to know that they would or would not turn a good time into drama.
Author Woggle Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 I honestly had no idea that vacations were the big test for relationships. In fact, I'd say the opposite - vacations are where you're free of all the stresses of everyday life, the 'honeymoon' part of the relationship. IMO the litmus test is when you go through rough patches of life together - poverty, illness, work/school stress, family problems, etc. Most Rs break up over these, not vacation. It's because it shows that they can handle peace and contentment without finding it boring and needing to start some drama. There are people who just have to throw a monkey wrench into things when they are going well and not doing that is probably one of my top five criteria for a relationship. 3
candie13 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Vacations are the times when to celebrate good times in a relationship. I get cold sweats only thinking about an whole weekend with a guy... naaaaaah, I won't have to worry about that too soon, me thinks !
Titania22 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 This is an interesting thread, and in my experience relates to travelling with anyone, not just a partner. My adult life experience was one of always losing my temper at some point on a holiday with anyone. It was such a pattern, that I didn't even think it was possible for me to have a holiday without losing my temper. Then about 4-5 yrs ago I went on a week long holiday with my girlfriend, my 2 kids and one of her kids, and all 5 of us slept in the same room. I was really worried I would lose my temper and ruin the best friendship of my life. The holiday passed and I never even felt annoyed or miffed or any negative emotion the whole time. It was a great trip and completely changed my reality on what is possible. Since then I haven't had a problem traveling with anyone. But it also goes to show, even when patterns of behaviour are ingrained in us, that can change when the right person is around. (I also lost weight that trip, every other holiday I had ever taken I had gained weight.) 1
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