Cam116 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I want to email the girl that I suspect my ex left me for. He denies, denies, denies that she had anything to do with it. Found out last night that he DID sleep with her, after we broke up. He did not physically cheat on me, but emotionally yes he did. I would really like to get her side of the situation, I don't know if I can believe him, and it hurts. Should I just ask her, woman to woman?
headsashed Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 NOOOOOOOOOOOO, it will only bring up unwanted feelings, i know ur angry but contacting her will only make matter worse, vent on here instead
williamshakespeare Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 What are you hoping to accomplish from that move? You're just stirring the pot and exacerbating your pain! Nothing good good can come of it. Leave it be. I'm sorry for your pain though
Author Cam116 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 I just need to know if he is telling me the truth. If he is dating her or left me for her, whatever he's an ass. It wouldn't last anyway, you can't possibly have a successful long lasting relationship with someone you get involved with right after a 5 year relationship in which he still cares about me. But if he's lying to me, that's something I can't forgive. He is adamant about being friends, he really wants to be my friend and be able to hang out (in the future). If he's after this chick and has intentions of getting in a relationship with her, I'm going to find out sooner or later especially if we are still in contact. I just can't stand the thought that he could be lying about this whole situation, and was hoping that if I contacted her and she told me the same things he told me, it may make me feel better. But I know deep down it will stir unnecessary things up and make things worse, that's why I know it's a stupid idea. But I can't help but feel the urge to do it
williamshakespeare Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Doesn't matter. It's old news - all that matters is that its over. You sound like good person and will be fine. Time to move on and stop dissecting the BS!
TaraMaiden Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 NO - YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW!! What the circumstances were are totally irrelevant! He's gone it's over, finished! The why and wherefore will do nothing to make anything better - in fact, discovering more is often a trap-door into further despondency! It really doesn't matter a phukk whether he slept with her, whether he lied, what he did, when, why and if there were Easter bunnies and hallowe'en pumpkins involved! Leave it!!! You have no way of telling whether something will last or not, is genuine or not, or is a relationship or not! Frankly, he's off the scene and it's None Of Your Business!! Honest, please - stop doing this to yourself!! 1
Toddbt12y1 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 It's better to not know than know and be haunted by that knowledge... 1
meeji Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I think if were in this position, I would also like to know. When it came down to my ex bf's flights, the little details mattered to me. A liar cannot be trusted and if she knows for sure that he lied to her face, she knows not to ever trust this man again. Maybe it is digging up dirt but if she wants to continue to be a part of his life as a friend I think its important to know if she can actually trust him. I have a different opinion than most of the comments. If you really want to be friends with the guy then ask...BUT if you are asking because you want to know if you should secretly wait for their fling to die out before you give him a second chance when he comes back ( or if you want to cause a mess for them bc he left you for her) then I'd have to say just leave it alone. At that point, you aren't being honest with yourself and I wouldn't bother with it at all.
geegirl Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 What does it matter? The fact is that he has ended it and he has chosen to be with someone else. My ex denied, denied, denied. I wanted to know so badly but I decided to let it go. But a woman reached out to me and told me she was with him when he was with me. It made me feel worse. You will feel devalued and diminished and recovering from that was harder than recovering from the actual break-up.
Own Worst Enemy Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 when he is a name you can't even remember, you will still regret contacting the other woman like that. honestly. you don't know whether she would even tell you the truth. what you DO know is, she will tell him. you do not want that. the guy treated you badly, by checking out (and checking her out) before he ended it. your heart and pride must be screaming. but don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that. please.
geegirl Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 when he is a name you can't even remember, you will still regret contacting the other woman like that. honestly. you don't know whether she would even tell you the truth. what you DO know is, she will tell him. you do not want that. the guy treated you badly, by checking out (and checking her out) before he ended it. your heart and pride must be screaming. but don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that. please. I'm going to agree with OWE. I didn't even know if she was lying because she was vying for him when he was dating me. And when she told her side of the story, I wondered how much of it was to hurt me. And then I confronted him again and all he did was deny, deny, deny, even after I said I spoke to this woman.
flitzanu Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I want to email the girl that I suspect my ex left me for. He denies, denies, denies that she had anything to do with it. Found out last night that he DID sleep with her, after we broke up. He did not physically cheat on me, but emotionally yes he did. I would really like to get her side of the situation, I don't know if I can believe him, and it hurts. Should I just ask her, woman to woman? that night he DID sleep with her AFTER you broke up. that's not emotional cheating either, you two were not together. this woman has nothing to do with your breakup, it has to do with your ex not wanting to be with you, but wanting to be with her. you're trying to create drama and just making yourself look worse by doing it.
Author Cam116 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 I didn't do it, and I'm not going to. Just had a conversation with him through e-mail. Sigh. If I want to be his friend, I need to know that he wouldn't lie to me. I don't think he would at this point...it was a long conversation, otherwise I'd be tempted to post it. I'm going to have to decide what's best for me....thanks for the insight guys
Simon Phoenix Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 You realize that he probably lied to you because he knew you were going to flip of the handle like this if he told the truth, don't you? I'm not a fan of lying and if I were him I would have told the truth, but I get why he didn't. The fact that you are accusing him of "emotional cheating" when you aren't together is pretty messed up. You are not a couple anymore, he can date whoever he wants and it's not cheating in any way, shape or form. Contacting the new girl is a tragically horrific idea. It doesn't matter if he's with her or anyone else. What matters is that he's not with you. Maybe at this point you'll do what you should have done in the first place and take a step back. Clear your head, work on you. I suspected that you weren't over this nearly as much as you claimed you were and unfortunately, this seems to be the case. You are too charged up right now and need to step back and start the process of moving on without him.
Author Cam116 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 He was confiding in that girl about breaking up with me and flirting back and forth with her BEFORE he broke up with me. That's emotional cheating. What he does now is his business. He's never lied, he's always been truthful, I think I need to trust that track record. I told him it would be easier for me to let go and move on if I knew that he left me for someone else, he denies denies denies. Why lie now? Why not just own up and move on? He really wants me in his life. If he left me to date her, I would find out sooner or later and he would know that. I think he's telling the truth.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 (edited) I still think you need to decompress. Every few days he does something or you hear something that gets you all worked up and thinking irrationally. That is why you need time off from this guy. If you want to be his friend ultimately, fine, but what you are trying to do right now is just not smart. Taking a month or two (or whatever) to get your ducks in a row is not a bad thing. You are trying to reinvent the wheel and you are going to be on an emotional rollercoaster for as long as you continue this. You say you want to be his friend, then you go gaga over insignificant pseudo breadcrumbs and you contemplate confronting a woman who he may or may not be seeing after you broke up? You aren't capable of handling this right now -- 99.9 percent of us aren't. Stop trying to be the hero and step back. You'll be happy you did later no matter how it turns out. Edited February 4, 2013 by Simon Phoenix
flitzanu Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 He was confiding in that girl about breaking up with me and flirting back and forth with her BEFORE he broke up with me. That's emotional cheating. What he does now is his business. He's never lied, he's always been truthful, I think I need to trust that track record. I told him it would be easier for me to let go and move on if I knew that he left me for someone else, he denies denies denies. Why lie now? Why not just own up and move on? He really wants me in his life. If he left me to date her, I would find out sooner or later and he would know that. I think he's telling the truth. so if he lied, you're mad. if he tells you he did in fact leave you for someone else, you're fine with that and want to be his friend bc he's honest?
Author Cam116 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 No. If he lied to me about the reasons, and it was in fact because of her, then I know that I can shut him out of my life forever. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who is dishonest. The BU wasn't technically mutual, but I was having doubts about the relationship myself. There were points in time over the past year specifically where I stopped and asked myself if I was truly happy. I felt quite a few times that I was just settling, but wouldn't admit it to myself. I'm grieving the loss, absolutely, but my initial reaction to the BU was relief. It was a quick feeling, but it was there. And I think that's why I feel like, after time, we can be friends. We had become more like roommates than lovers anyway towards the end. But I can't be friends if he is being dishonest about this whole situation. I hate being lied to (who would actually enjoy it though....)
grace777 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 First of all, NO, do not contact the other woman. Secondly, why would you want to be friends with someone you don't even trust anymore? 1
flitzanu Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 No. If he lied to me about the reasons, and it was in fact because of her, then I know that I can shut him out of my life forever. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who is dishonest. The BU wasn't technically mutual, but I was having doubts about the relationship myself. There were points in time over the past year specifically where I stopped and asked myself if I was truly happy. I felt quite a few times that I was just settling, but wouldn't admit it to myself. I'm grieving the loss, absolutely, but my initial reaction to the BU was relief. It was a quick feeling, but it was there. And I think that's why I feel like, after time, we can be friends. We had become more like roommates than lovers anyway towards the end. But I can't be friends if he is being dishonest about this whole situation. I hate being lied to (who would actually enjoy it though....) ok, so back up. why exactly did he break up with you?
Author Cam116 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Fell out of love. Felt like we were growing apart, which we were. Felt we were headed in two different directions. The warning signs were there well in advance of him pulling the trigger, and I noticed them but didn't think much of them
coloradogrl Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Hey Cam, sorry to hear the update. Have stayed away the past week while I was sorting stuff out on my own. Saw my ex, we're not getting back together. Do NOT contact the other woman, and definitely realize that if you're going to be friends or even rekindle the relationship it will NOT HAPPEN NOW. I'm trying to give myself my own advice, as I broke down and contacted after I picked up my belongings. I really miss him, but I do not miss how I was treated. I've had ex's who have cheated on me and been dishonest with me (not this one). I'm fine with them now. No ill will. Time heals wounds. Hang in there!
flitzanu Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Fell out of love. Felt like we were growing apart, which we were. Felt we were headed in two different directions. The warning signs were there well in advance of him pulling the trigger, and I noticed them but didn't think much of them then i'd say yes, he left you for the other girl. those are all very typical of someone saying "i want to bang other people". and no, he's never, ever ever going to admit that to you.
Author Cam116 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 I have no doubt that he wants to be single, he wants to go out and live his life without restrictions. And he has every right to do that if that's what he wants. I'm sure he's having fun right now hooking up with girls with no strings attached. I'm still not convinced that she was the REASON for it, but once our relationship was done, she was an easy rebound lay. But you know what? Any of these girls he is with right now mean nothing to him. He's just using them, and I'm sure they are using him. At the end of the day, he's still alone, and eventually down the road, he will start to feel empty. These girls mean nothing to him the way I meant something to him, because when we started dating we both waited a while to get intimate out of respect for one another, and because we didn't want to rush what we felt was something special. He sure as hell isn't taking these girls home to meet his parents. If he wanted me completely out of his life, I would be a bit more suspicious about his honesty. But he really truly wants to have me still as a friend. If he was lying about not pursuing this girl for a relationship, I will find out eventually if I'm still in his life. He told me yesterday he wants me to come out to his gigs in the future, he misses seeing me in the crowd cheering him on. Why would he want me to go out to his gigs if he knew he was pursuing a relationship with this chick? I'm not buying it. This is an excerpt from our convo yesterday, that I found a little strange: " I'm not going to be able to care about someone that way for a very long time, maybe never again." ?? never again?
Simon Phoenix Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 How long are you going to torture yourself? Serious question.
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