First bump in the road with new GF. Not sure how to fix this?

[Janesays]

I almost never agree with Kaylan, so when I say he had a point about this girl skipping your birthday dinner with your parents, you should be wary.

 

I don't know if it's a dump worthy thing or not, but your actions by inviting her and making it clear you would like her to come, communicate clearly that you have feelings for her and see her as something more 'long term.' And she ignores that and instead whines to you about liking her friend Tammy?

 

Something is up. You need to sit her down in a quiet place and have a loooooonnnnnggg talk about where you two stand and where this is going. Be upfront and honest and don't let her be vague or play games. You deserve an answer before you invest even more of your life in this girl.

[Cutiepie1976]

...It is clear looking back that she didn't see going to dinner as a big deal since we discussed using the weekend of 2/9-2/11 as our personal celebration together of my birthday.

 

And that doesn't concern you? No big deal in her mind to blow off your parents on your birthday?

 

Again, I wonder if you are more invested than she is in the relationship? Someone can be nice and generous without having an emotional stake in a relationship with you. Be careful not to confuse the two.

 

If I may ask, what prompted you to post about the incident?

Edited February 4, 2013 by Cutiepie1976

[TheFinalWord]

I've been exclusive with my new girlfriend for about two months now. We are sexually active. I'm 35, she's 30. Here's the timeline of when the trouble started:

 

Last Thursday: We are supposed to go out after work to a happy hour thing with her friends. I don’t hear from her all day. I send her a text in the morning and she doesn’t reply until late in the afternoon. It’s not like we have long, involved conversations over text during the work day, but we check in a bit. It’s weird for her to go hours without answering my texts. I say something generic like “So, we’re still on for tonight?” And she responds defensively by saying “What do you mean? Don’t you want to see me?” I reassure her that of course I do. I meet up with her at Happy Hour with her friends, we have a good time, I spend the night at her place, we have sex, all seems well.

 

Friday: I wake up at her place feeling like crap. I feel the start of something cold-related coming on. She doesn’t text me all day, which is unusual. I take off work early once I get all my work done because I feel terrible. I text her at 3 to confirm our plans for the evening, which was a double date with her best friend and her new boyfriend. We meet her best friend and her new bf at Main Event. Main Event is this loud, noisy bowling alley/bar/laser tag/restaurant/bar/billards table/arcade arena entertainment center. I feel like crap because of my cold. I should also say that I am deaf in my right ear due to numerous surgeries as a kid. It's really loud in there, and there were many times I had trouble hearing what everybody else was saying and I had to ask them to repeat themselves. I shook the guy’s hand and gave her best friend a hug both when they arrived and when they left. So we’re walking back to my car and I said “I had a good time. I liked him.” And she gets this frown on her face and she says “Are you sure? It didn’t seem like you were involved in the conversation or wanted to be there. “ So I reassured her that I felt bad because of my cold, it was loud and I had trouble hearing, and that I did have a good time under the circumstances. I apologized and said I didn’t mean to embarrass her or make her look bad. I didn’t know what else to say on the ride back to her place and I figured the more I tried to explain myself the worse I’d make things, so I just stayed quiet. So at one point she says “Why are you so quiet?” She had to go into the office and work a full day on Saturday and get up early at 6:30 AM. After she turns out the light and we lay down, it’s like the seal breaks. I had nothing to drink but club soda at Main Event but I find myself getting up every 5 minutes to use the bathroom. I start panicking. I feel like I’ve antagonized her enough this evening, and I don’t want to keep her up by constantly using the bathroom when she has to get up early and go to work on a Saturday. So I go downstairs to sleep on her couch. I figure this way I won’t be waking her up constantly to use the bathroom and disturb her. She wakes up and comes downstairs in the middle of the night and is like “What are you doing on the couch?” and I try to explain it to her as best as I can.

 

Saturday: I leave her place in the morning. I had told her 3 times during the week that I was planning on doing a birthday dinner with my parents on Saturday night and I’d like her to come. I don’t hear from her at all on Saturday. I know she’s working and it sucks to work on a Saturday, so I leave her alone. Finally around 5:15 I still haven’t heard from her so I call to see if she’s gotten off work yet and she’s ready to go eat. It’s clear from talking to her on the phone that she doesn’t really want to go. I know she’s tired but we would have been home by 9 at the latest and it’s not like I sprung this on her at the last minute. She keeps saying “Is it a big deal if I don’t go?” And I said “Well, you’re my girlfriend, it’s my birthday dinner, you’re invited, I’d like you to go, but if you’re tired and don’t want to, I understand.” So she says “Well, I hope you have a good time.”

 

Sunday: She told me that she brought her laptop home with her from work and would be working at home. I drive out to my parents 30 miles away to celebrate my birthday. We text sporadically throughout the day. At night she starts texting things like “Should I be worried? Are you ok? Are we okay?” And I text her back and I say “Yeah, we’re good. No worries.” I figured everything was fine at this point after I reassured her.

 

This morning: We text back and forth a bit, joking with each other, everything seems to be back on track. Then I get this text:

 

"Tammy (her best friend)’s new boyfriend wondered if you don’t like Tammy. Because you talked with him and not her.” So I text back and said “Well, I never was alone with Tammy to talk 1 on 1 with her. Of course I like her.” Still waiting to hear back from her. She's rehashing this again after I thought I had explained it as best as I can. I really like and care about my gf a lot and want to fix this. I don't know what to say if she's rehashing this incident.

 

Er, may get called out on this...but have you ever noticed a difference when it's that time of the month? One girl I dated, it was like Jekyll and Hyde. Seriously. She was really nice, but man when it was full-blown, look out. She would cry, then laughing hysterically, then cursing me, then stubborn. It could amplify her emotions.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Sorry, Candie. It wasn't aimed at you (nor was it a statement about anyone in particular). I responded with a general statement in the context of the OP.

 

Yes, I do a similar eye roll whenever a guy claims he'd rather be single than in a relationship. In Barnacle Bob's case, he's either divorcing or has just gotten divorced I think, so his stance isn't a surprise...although even he is trying to date.

 

You mentioned one benefit. Tons of others associated with being in a healthy, serious relationship. Far outweighs the possible downsides.

 

Commenting on being single: with all due respect, you can't speak for everyone. There are people who prefer being single because it better suits their personality and/or current lifestyle. Some of my unhappiest times were in relationships. Just reading this thread makes me exhausted and reminds me how much I don't want to deal with obligations that a relationship brings.

 

Benefits of being in a relationship may outweigh the down sides for you, but the opposite is true for me and perhaps for Bob

[Archgirl]

Sorry dude, she's a drama queen - creating drama coz things between you are all settled (ie committed) so she wants more emotional extremes. She's probably one of those that loves the anticipation/romance/excitement and devoted attention of the getting together stage but isnt that keen on the mundane every day aspect of a committed relationship. If you buy into it, it's only going to get worse and you'll have to do it for the entire relationship because she'll never be satisfied.

[Green Light]

I didn't read the whole thread but, OP, the fact that she expected you to do things with her friends WHILE YOU WERE SICK and she wouldn't even go out with you on YOUR BIRTHDAY is just plain rude! She sounds rude, insecure, and it also sounds like she works too much. A bad combination!

[Archgirl]

too be honest, I was kinda thinking the same thing...I know there are about three days a month when I'm horribly selfish and when nothing any nearby man says/does is going to be right *sheepish*

[GreenPolicy]

Well all the doubters turned out to be right. The day I posted this, I called her on my lunch break, we spoke for about twenty minutes, I told her I understood from her perspective how she might have been confused by my demeanor at the bowling alley, but I absolutely did not dislike her friends and I was quiet because I was sick. At the end of that conversation I thought we had ironed everything out and things were cool.

 

She immediately began this passive-aggressive distance act. Whereas before she would initiate conversation and respond back to me in a reasonable time frame, now it would take hours for her to respond to my texts, and when she did she was usually very terse. We went from hanging out 3-4 times a week to hanging out once or twice, and when I did see her, she was glued to her smartphone instead of trying to make conversation with me. Last weekend she had asked me to keep my Saturday night free for us to celebrate my birthday together. She came over to my apartment and at this point I hadn't seen her in three days. I was excited to see her. Soon as she came in, she plopped down on my bed, glued to her smartphone, and I got one or two word answers when I tried to make conversation with her.

 

Her surprise was to take me to an Improv Theater performance. During intermission she brought up the bowling alley incident a third time. She said she was questioning whether or not she was sure about us. Our long-term relationship goals are similar (find somebody to get serious with). She said "How do you know you'd make a good father? What makes you so sure?" Seriously? My character is on trial here? She spent the night and we had another long talk. I basically told her that I felt we had gotten off to a great start, I was committed to working things out, I reiterated what I had already told her about the bowling alley, that I was sick that night and that was why I was quiet and that I absolutely did not dislike her friends or mean to cause any offense. I felt like we finally had gotten everything out on the table and everything was okay. But she has gone right back to the keeping me at arm's length routine - almost never initiating contact, replying back hours later with very terse and curt answers. I asked her to keep Thursday night open for Valentine's Day and last night never heard back from her after the last text I sent. This morning I said "Hey, I don't know you if you got my last text or not, but I never heard back from you. What time would you like to get together tonight?" She says "Oh I never got anything. What time were you thinking?" I suggested 7:30 and she replies "Sounds good." It's not usually like her to be so terse and to express no affection.

 

It seems to me like a passive agressive routine designed to get me to do the breaking up. I've already gotten her gift and was planning a romantic evening, but her entire demeanor just suggests she's done but doesn't have the courage to pull the trigger herself. This is the basic gist of what I want to convey to her:

 

I don't presume to know what you're thinking or feeling, but you never texted me back last night, and whether this is your intention or not, it's coming across as a continuation of a keeping me at an arm's length routine. I don't like it.

 

It seems like nothing has ever been the same since the night we went to Main Event and I don't understand why we can't seem to move forward and put all that behind us. We have had 2-3 "clear the air" type conversations and nothing has changed. If you still don't accept my explanation that I was sick and absolutely do not dislike your friends, I don't know what else I can say to reassure you and make amends. I know I haven't been perfect in this relationship and have made my share of honest mistakes, but it doesn't seem like you want to give me the benefit of the doubt. Things got off to a great start between us and I really want us to succeed, but I need your cooperation for that to happen. I don't know where we go from here, but the way the last two weeks have gone absolutely do not work for me and is not my idea of a healthy, functional relationship.

[RebelWithoutACause]

Well all the doubters turned out to be right. The day I posted this, I called her on my lunch break, we spoke for about twenty minutes, I told her I understood from her perspective how she might have been confused by my demeanor at the bowling alley, but I absolutely did not dislike her friends and I was quiet because I was sick. At the end of that conversation I thought we had ironed everything out and things were cool.

 

She immediately began this passive-aggressive distance act. Whereas before she would initiate conversation and respond back to me in a reasonable time frame, now it would take hours for her to respond to my texts, and when she did she was usually very terse. We went from hanging out 3-4 times a week to hanging out once or twice, and when I did see her, she was glued to her smartphone instead of trying to make conversation with me. Last weekend she had asked me to keep my Saturday night free for us to celebrate my birthday together. She came over to my apartment and at this point I hadn't seen her in three days. I was excited to see her. Soon as she came in, she plopped down on my bed, glued to her smartphone, and I got one or two word answers when I tried to make conversation with her.

 

Her surprise was to take me to an Improv Theater performance. During intermission she brought up the bowling alley incident a third time. She said she was questioning whether or not she was sure about us. Our long-term relationship goals are similar (find somebody to get serious with). She said "How do you know you'd make a good father? What makes you so sure?" Seriously? My character is on trial here? She spent the night and we had another long talk. I basically told her that I felt we had gotten off to a great start, I was committed to working things out, I reiterated what I had already told her about the bowling alley, that I was sick that night and that was why I was quiet and that I absolutely did not dislike her friends or mean to cause any offense. I felt like we finally had gotten everything out on the table and everything was okay. But she has gone right back to the keeping me at arm's length routine - almost never initiating contact, replying back hours later with very terse and curt answers. I asked her to keep Thursday night open for Valentine's Day and last night never heard back from her after the last text I sent. This morning I said "Hey, I don't know you if you got my last text or not, but I never heard back from you. What time would you like to get together tonight?" She says "Oh I never got anything. What time were you thinking?" I suggested 7:30 and she replies "Sounds good." It's not usually like her to be so terse and to express no affection.

 

It seems to me like a passive agressive routine designed to get me to do the breaking up. I've already gotten her gift and was planning a romantic evening, but her entire demeanor just suggests she's done but doesn't have the courage to pull the trigger herself. This is the basic gist of what I want to convey to her:

 

 

Yeah, the not liking her friends is just an excuse for her to start acting like a nut. She could really have something wrong with her mentally. Normal people don't flip out over nothing and let it carry on for weeks. It's time for you to pick up you balls off the floor, take a bow and shut the door on her forever. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh but enough is enough. How much more abuse are gonna take from her?

[GreenPolicy]

Yeah, the not liking her friends is just an excuse for her to start acting like a nut. She could really have something wrong with her mentally. Normal people don't flip out over nothing and let it carry on for weeks. It's time for you to pick up you balls off the floor, take a bow and shut the door on her forever. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh but enough is enough. How much more abuse are gonna take from her?

 

I think I'm basically done. If I had more time invested with her I'd be willing to work things out more, but two months in this shouldn't be so hard to resolve. It's not fun being with her the last couple weeks. It's just a beating.

[ohno_itsjames]

Her bringing up the double date for the third time really is out of order, she sounds like she is pretty selfish about that, the fact that she brought it up just after talking about her not coming to you Birthday meal really is NOT cool.

 

It might also be her way of trying to provoke some sort of heated tension, she might be the kind that likes the drama, I don't think that's good for a possible healthy relationship, she'll constantly try to cause trouble over nothing because she wants to fight for power.

 

I'm no one to judge though, I've never gotten past seeing someone for more than 2-3 dates, it's just my take on things though, having seen and read these things for quite a while

[iris219]

It is mind boggling to me how much crap some guys will put up with from women.

[ohno_itsjames]

It also seems you're more invested than she is, you seem very considerate, caring and understanding even during these times, but she's not taking that into consideration, not good.

[USCGAviator]

I hope you showered in hand sanitizer the night you met her friends.

[RebelWithoutACause]

While in the process of breaking up with her try to limit your communication with her, or she might try to guilt trip you into geting back together. You come off as a genuinely nice guy. And some people don't do nice, they like to tear it down to their own level. Good luck

[Untouchable_Fire]

It seems to me like a passive agressive routine designed to get me to do the breaking up. I've already gotten her gift and was planning a romantic evening, but her entire demeanor just suggests she's done but doesn't have the courage to pull the trigger herself. This is the basic gist of what I want to convey to her:

 

I really don't think you owe her an explanation at this point.

 

Just tell her that you are no longer interested in dating her because she comes across as a self centered drama queen. Then go full on No Contact. Otherwise she may try to drag you back in for a second round of passive aggressive drama.

 

I know you kinda want to leave this open, but shut the door fast and hard. It isn't worth fixing.

[GreenPolicy]

While in the process of breaking up with her try to limit your communication with her, or she might try to guilt trip you into geting back together. You come off as a genuinely nice guy. And some people don't do nice, they like to tear it down to their own level. Good luck

 

It honestly feels like she's doing this passively aggressively to get me to break up with her myself so she isn't technically the bad guy. That way when she tells her friends, I'm the "bad guy" because I dumped her. It will be "He didn't like you guys and was rude at the bowling alley and then dumped me." Not "There was a minor misunderstanding and he took my feelings seriously and initiated several clear the air type conversations. Finally after two weeks of giving him a passive aggressive/distancing routine, he reluctantly broke things off with me."

[ohno_itsjames]

If she does something like that, then it just goes to show how much she wasn't worth being with.

[Cutiepie1976]

I don't like your lengthy message. Too much and all wrong! Needy, seeking validation and approval, apologetic... Goodness you were so ill you spent the night in the bathroom! Why do you continue to apologize and beg for her forgiveness. You need to develop a bit of a backbone. If anything, she should be apologizing for ditching you and your parents at the eleventh hour on your birthday!! Have some perspective here.

 

Personally, I simply wouldn't contact her. She's chosen to fade into oblivion while letting you blaming yourself for not being chirpy enough at the bowling place. Let her go. Don't continue to apologize and state the obvious. That it's over.

 

If you must send a message, I would say something like:

 

Over the last two weeks, it's become clear that things aren't working out between us. That's too bad. A clean break is best, so I won't be communicating with you any further. You're a great person, and I wish you all the best.

 

I think text and email breakups are cowardly. It's been two months. I would do it in person if you go the route of "officially" breaking up her breakup. It might take a while to meet since she's lost interest and respect for you. If you can't get her to meet in person, then call and inform her of the obvious over the phone.

 

Sorry things didn't pan out. Unfortunately, the drop in communication and then ditching your parents made it fairly obvious that she was done. It happens.

Edited February 14, 2013 by Cutiepie1976

[Cutiepie1976]

It honestly feels like she's doing this passively aggressively to get me to break up with her myself so she isn't technically the bad guy. That way when she tells her friends, I'm the "bad guy" because I dumped her. It will be "He didn't like you guys and was rude at the bowling alley and then dumped me." Not "There was a minor misunderstanding and he took my feelings seriously and initiated several clear the air type conversations. Finally after two weeks of giving him a passive aggressive/distancing routine, he reluctantly broke things off with me."

 

No. You are so invested that you are trying to rationalize and analyze things to death. You are looking for meaning and motivation in her behavior where frankly none exists.

 

Unfortunately she now cares so little that she can't even be bothered with the hassle of breaking up. It's way too much work. What you think doesn't matter anymore. Don't contact her and it will be very clear it's over.

 

She is done. She checked out a while ago.

Edited February 14, 2013 by Cutiepie1976

[Archgirl]

I think you should take your power back and break up with her, but be warned, if she is the drama type, this could actually trigger a whole bunch more manipulative behaviour.

I would suggest sending her a text telling her that you're sorry to hurt her feelings but you've come to realise that she doesn't make you happy, that you tried to make it work but you just can't pretend anymore: you really need someone more mature, less self absorbed and more intellectually stimulating.

It will really piss her off, is probably all true and if she actually has any feelings for you might give her a bit of a wake up call. If you do decide to say this however, I must emphasise that you not add anything else to it because, frankly, you'll only make it sound apologetic and try and soften it which would utterly defeat the purpose.

[ChatroomHero]

I know exactly what you are saying about the noise and not hearing, for whatever reason when I am in a loud place I have 2 problems, my voice blends in perfectly and I have to yell to be heard which gets tiresome after 5 minutes and everything everyone says blends into the background.

 

People at times assumed I was not happy to be somewhere because I wasn't talking and the truth was I couldn't hear any conversation and my throat would get sore from yelling, it was just too hard to converse with anyone.

 

If she kept bringing it up I would buy ear plugs and tell her to wear them and go out with your friends one night and see how her conversations went and if she still didn't believe you I would wear the ear plugs yourself and tell her to hit the bricks.

 

She might not "get it" that not being able to hear what people are saying makes it very difficult to be involved, but at the same time she is all concerned that you didn't like her one friend and not concerned that she totally blew off your birthday. Does she really think you have to like all of her friends?

 

Someone else said it earlier that it seems like you might be more invested, maybe that's it but in the least it sounds like things important to her are paramount in her mind and things important to you are low on her consideration.