GreenPolicy Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I've been exclusive with my new girlfriend for about two months now. We are sexually active. I'm 35, she's 30. Here's the timeline of when the trouble started: Last Thursday: We are supposed to go out after work to a happy hour thing with her friends. I don’t hear from her all day. I send her a text in the morning and she doesn’t reply until late in the afternoon. It’s not like we have long, involved conversations over text during the work day, but we check in a bit. It’s weird for her to go hours without answering my texts. I say something generic like “So, we’re still on for tonight?” And she responds defensively by saying “What do you mean? Don’t you want to see me?” I reassure her that of course I do. I meet up with her at Happy Hour with her friends, we have a good time, I spend the night at her place, we have sex, all seems well. Friday: I wake up at her place feeling like crap. I feel the start of something cold-related coming on. She doesn’t text me all day, which is unusual. I take off work early once I get all my work done because I feel terrible. I text her at 3 to confirm our plans for the evening, which was a double date with her best friend and her new boyfriend. We meet her best friend and her new bf at Main Event. Main Event is this loud, noisy bowling alley/bar/laser tag/restaurant/bar/billards table/arcade arena entertainment center. I feel like crap because of my cold. I should also say that I am deaf in my right ear due to numerous surgeries as a kid. It's really loud in there, and there were many times I had trouble hearing what everybody else was saying and I had to ask them to repeat themselves. I shook the guy’s hand and gave her best friend a hug both when they arrived and when they left. So we’re walking back to my car and I said “I had a good time. I liked him.” And she gets this frown on her face and she says “Are you sure? It didn’t seem like you were involved in the conversation or wanted to be there. “ So I reassured her that I felt bad because of my cold, it was loud and I had trouble hearing, and that I did have a good time under the circumstances. I apologized and said I didn’t mean to embarrass her or make her look bad. I didn’t know what else to say on the ride back to her place and I figured the more I tried to explain myself the worse I’d make things, so I just stayed quiet. So at one point she says “Why are you so quiet?” She had to go into the office and work a full day on Saturday and get up early at 6:30 AM. After she turns out the light and we lay down, it’s like the seal breaks. I had nothing to drink but club soda at Main Event but I find myself getting up every 5 minutes to use the bathroom. I start panicking. I feel like I’ve antagonized her enough this evening, and I don’t want to keep her up by constantly using the bathroom when she has to get up early and go to work on a Saturday. So I go downstairs to sleep on her couch. I figure this way I won’t be waking her up constantly to use the bathroom and disturb her. She wakes up and comes downstairs in the middle of the night and is like “What are you doing on the couch?” and I try to explain it to her as best as I can. Saturday: I leave her place in the morning. I had told her 3 times during the week that I was planning on doing a birthday dinner with my parents on Saturday night and I’d like her to come. I don’t hear from her at all on Saturday. I know she’s working and it sucks to work on a Saturday, so I leave her alone. Finally around 5:15 I still haven’t heard from her so I call to see if she’s gotten off work yet and she’s ready to go eat. It’s clear from talking to her on the phone that she doesn’t really want to go. I know she’s tired but we would have been home by 9 at the latest and it’s not like I sprung this on her at the last minute. She keeps saying “Is it a big deal if I don’t go?” And I said “Well, you’re my girlfriend, it’s my birthday dinner, you’re invited, I’d like you to go, but if you’re tired and don’t want to, I understand.” So she says “Well, I hope you have a good time.” Sunday: She told me that she brought her laptop home with her from work and would be working at home. I drive out to my parents 30 miles away to celebrate my birthday. We text sporadically throughout the day. At night she starts texting things like “Should I be worried? Are you ok? Are we okay?” And I text her back and I say “Yeah, we’re good. No worries.” I figured everything was fine at this point after I reassured her. This morning: We text back and forth a bit, joking with each other, everything seems to be back on track. Then I get this text: "Tammy (her best friend)’s new boyfriend wondered if you don’t like Tammy. Because you talked with him and not her.” So I text back and said “Well, I never was alone with Tammy to talk 1 on 1 with her. Of course I like her.” Still waiting to hear back from her. She's rehashing this again after I thought I had explained it as best as I can. I really like and care about my gf a lot and want to fix this. I don't know what to say if she's rehashing this incident.
Keenly Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 This sounds pretty ridiculous actually.... what I see is a needy girl getting in your business about "WHY DONT YOU LIKE MY FRIENDS!?!?!"
Author GreenPolicy Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 This sounds pretty ridiculous actually.... what I see is a needy girl getting in your business about "WHY DONT YOU LIKE MY FRIENDS!?!?!" I don't dislike them at all. I barely know them. I don't know them well enough to have strong feelings about them either way. We've been seeing each other for two months and up to this point she's been pretty laid-back and easy going and there's been a complete absence of drama.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 First of all, you come across as a very considerate and empathetic person and I can tell you go out of your way to make your girlfriend comfortable and assured. However, since your girlfriend cannot read your mind, it would be best that you talk to her and explain your actions before you act on them. She seems to hold alot of things back herself and seems to be the type to constantly ask questions for reassurance. I can see where you are standing but it would make more sense for you to be a little more assertive about your wants when it comes to her replying to you in text especially about dinner with your parents. Personally, this relationship is on the right tracks but you might want to work on communications. 2
Imajerk17 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 First of all, you come across as a very considerate and empathetic person and I can tell you go out of your way to make your girlfriend comfortable and assured. However, since your girlfriend cannot read your mind, it would be best that you talk to her and explain your actions before you act on them. She seems to hold alot of things back herself and seems to be the type to constantly ask questions for reassurance. I can see where you are standing but it would make more sense for you to be a little more assertive about your wants when it comes to her replying to you in text especially about dinner with your parents. Personally, this relationship is on the right tracks but you might want to work on communications. I agree. Very nicely put too I must say. For someone who calls herself "crazy" you give out really thoughtful insightful advice, paper. OP, one more thing: I doubt the best friend's boyfriend was wondering/putting any mental energy if you didn't like your gf's best friend, unless HE HIMSELF is a male drama queen. I mean c'mon. Sounds to me that this particular bit of drama was manufactured by your gf or her best friend. You did the right thing bonding with the guy.
pteromom Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Yep - communication is the issue here. She's worrying if things are OK. You are worrying if things are OK. And it sounds like all of this would be resolved with some honest communication. Just be honest and open about your hopes, fears, expectations, and reactions. And hope she does the same.
kaylan Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Skips your bday dinner? That say a lot. Dump her before she can dump you. A girl who cares doesnt miss special occasions by choice like that. But Im of little patience for this kinda stuff. Call me a pessimist...but my gut says thats a really bad sign. 1
pteromom Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Skips your bday dinner? That say a lot. Dump her before she can dump you. A girl who cares doesnt miss special occasions by choice like that. A birthday dinner with his parents 2 months into a relationship, though? I think that's a bit early for that sort of thing myself. But it all depends on her reasons for wanting to miss it. I would definitely be talking to her to find out why.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I agree. Very nicely put too I must say. For someone who calls herself "crazy" you give out really thoughtful insightful advice, paper. Thank you. I contribute it all to my recent breakup with my now- exboyfriend. It was meaningful but ultimately our differences are what broke us up. But I learned alot and grew from it.
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 It sounds like you are willing to make the sacrifices (going out when you are sick, initiating most contact) and she isn't matching that (skipping your bday dinner). I dunno, she sounds difficult. 5
candie13 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 maybe she got a bit scared - you get to meet all of her friends, she gets invited to your birthday dinner with your parents... Don't get me wrong, it may work fine, but make sure she talks and she is comfortable with how your relationship is going - sounds like a 6 months relationship, not 2... you might want to let her set up the pace herself so that she's comfortable. And make her talk about whatever's worrying her. Like a real talk, not three phrases.
candie13 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Posts like the OP serve as a handy reminder of how much easier life is when you're single. totally, but the OP must have had sex at least three times last week, can you say the same about an average single guy (won't say "you" because it's not meant to be personal )
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 We all view birthdays differently. Still, it's remarkable that at the eleventh hour, she ditched dinner to meet your parents...on your birthday no less...after agreeing to do this much earlier. You hauled yourself to a loud venue while ill because meeting her friend's new boyfriend mattered to her. We only have your side of the story, but from what you've shared, the relationship seems a little one-sided. I wonder if you are more invested in the relationship than she is. In fact, I wonder if she is starting to disentangle herself since she is taking longer and longer to respond. Is she much busier at work? Other possible explanations for the delays and drop-off in your communication routine? Is there a similar drop-off outside of work hours? Might this be the canary in the coal mine? Difficult to know based on the snippet you share. Time will ultimately tell. Maybe dig a little deeper next time and ask her why she is worried if things are okay, if she poses the question again. In other words, what prompted her to question the health of your relationship? That might be more revealing than the "Is everything okay - Yes - Is everything Okay - Yes" exchanges that can stay superficial.
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 A birthday dinner with his parents 2 months into a relationship, though? I think that's a bit early for that sort of thing myself. But it all depends on her reasons for wanting to miss it. I would definitely be talking to her to find out why. Sorry, but her behavior is still inexcusable. Here's the thing: They discussed it all week. She was going. His parents were expecting her and had no doubt made arrangements to accommodate having her at the dinner table. You don't wait until 5:15 when she should be preparing to head out the door to say, "Is it a big deal if I don’t go?” and respond with ,“Well, I hope you have a good time,” when your BF says, "Well, you’re my girlfriend, it’s my birthday dinner, you’re invited, I’d like you to go." If she felt it was too early to meet the parents, there are many reasonable ways to handle this when it first came up or on one of the many occasions when it came up during the week. One can take the direct approach, "Honey, I'm so flattered, but I think it's a little too early to meet your parents." Alternatively, there's the indirect approach: "Sweetie, I don't want to intrude on your special time with your parents. Let's plan our own little celebration together and you can go and enjoy dinner with your folks on the evening of your birthday. I'll be your dessert afterwards." That's the adult approach when the other person's feelings matter, and it's not just about your instant gratification when you're supposed to be walking out the door together. Of course she knows it's going to be a very awkward conversation for him. Dinner is simmering. The table is set...and NOW she reveals that she has no intention of going. At least tell him at lunch time, or that morning as she leaves for work, or the night before during his bathroom runs after he hauled his sick butt out for her... dang, that timing might really highlight the self-centeredness of her choice. True, it's one episode in a new relationship, but it's a fairly telling one. Only he knows whether this is a pattern. 2
mortensorchid Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 You sound like a considerate person, based on your story of events. I would, however, like to point out that she is not being very considerate of skipping out on the birthday dinner. She should have simply said "I don't want to go" or "I will go", and then stick with that rather than some excuse like she had to work that day/night. Unfortunately I see this as a red flag. When someone starts bowing out on certain obligations without a very good excuse, they are backing off. This happened to me years ago when this man who broke my heart started giving me attitude all of a sudden. He was angry with me that I did not invite him to a party, when I did and he said he didn't want to go. The list went on and on, and with every accusation I had a counter point which was his "I don't want to go" excuse. Communication is the key to anything in life, make yours known before you are accused of something.
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 totally, but the OP must have had sex at least three times last week, can you say the same about an average single guy (won't say "you" because it's not meant to be personal ) True, but regular sex should never be an excuse to turn yourself into a doormat or to otherwise be mistreated or disrespected. (To be clear, I am not saying that those things are happening with the OP.) One-sided relationships are not always the healthiest of choices, sex or no sex.
candie13 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 True, but regular sex should never be an excuse to turn yourself into a doormat or to otherwise be mistreated or disrespected. (To be clear, I am not saying that those things are happening with the OP.) One-sided relationships are not always the healthiest of choices, sex or no sex. I must have missed something, but who's being mistreated or disrespected for sex ? I was just making fun of the poster, I sort of get pissed of the "life is so much better when you're single" attitude. It may be more fun, but there are some benefits that a relationship has which single life doesn't, and a regular, healthy sex life can be one of them . One-sided relationships are never healthy, if you're asking me.
Author GreenPolicy Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 We all view birthdays differently. Still, it's remarkable that at the eleventh hour, she ditched dinner to meet your parents...on your birthday no less...after agreeing to do this much earlier. You hauled yourself to a loud venue while ill because meeting her friend's new boyfriend mattered to her. We only have your side of the story, but from what you've shared, the relationship seems a little one-sided. I wonder if you are more invested in the relationship than she is. In fact, I wonder if she is starting to disentangle herself since she is taking longer and longer to respond. Is she much busier at work? Other possible explanations for the delays and drop-off in your communication routine? Is there a similar drop-off outside of work hours? Might this be the canary in the coal mine? Difficult to know based on the snippet you share. Time will ultimately tell. Maybe dig a little deeper next time and ask her why she is worried if things are okay, if she poses the question again. In other words, what prompted her to question the health of your relationship? That might be more revealing than the "Is everything okay - Yes - Is everything Okay - Yes" exchanges that can stay superficial. She was under a tight deadline at work. She says she went home and passed out and slept for 5 hours after getting off the phone with me. We had made plans to celebrate my birthday together this next upcoming weekend on a separate dinner together but I know I had mentioned the one with my parents this weekend. Outside of work text communication has not dropped off. And up to this point there hasn't been any drama. We both went through two bouts of sickness. About a month ago she had some flu/cold crud that I got. Then she got sick again and I am now on my second bout of this flu/cold stuff. The last time I was sick she went to the store and got me a flu/cold kit - cough drops, tylenol, pseudophedrine, cough spray. Last night when we were texting she offered to come to my apt if I needed anything. She's normally very giving, kind and considerate, so I was a bit taken aback she didn't want to suck it up and go to the birthday dinner and was so put out at my demeanor while sick at the bowling alley. I just called her and we talked for about 20 minutes during our lunch break. She said she was frustrated Friday night because at times during the double date the three of them were talking and I seemed "checked out" and not really involved in the conversation. Which is true, as I was sick. I told her there was no offense intended, and then when I feel better, we should double date again at a quieter place. She said she wasn't mad at me, but just frustrated. Everything is smoothed over for now, but I'm nervous. I hope this doesn't become a pattern.
Imajerk17 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Sorry, but her behavior is still inexcusable. Here's the thing: They discussed it all week. She was going. His parents were expecting her and had no doubt made arrangements to accommodate having her at the dinner table. You don't wait until 5:15 when she should be preparing to head out the door to say, "Is it a big deal if I don’t go?” and respond with ,“Well, I hope you have a good time,” when your BF says, "Well, you’re my girlfriend, it’s my birthday dinner, you’re invited, I’d like you to go." If she felt it was too early to meet the parents, there are many reasonable ways to handle this when it first came up or on one of the many occasions when it came up during the week. One can take the direct approach, "Honey, I'm so flattered, but I think it's a little too early to meet your parents." Alternatively, there's the indirect approach: "Sweetie, I don't want to intrude on your special time with your parents. Let's plan our own little celebration together and you can go and enjoy dinner with your folks on the evening of your birthday. I'll be your dessert afterwards." That's the adult approach when the other person's feelings matter, and it's not just about your instant gratification when you're supposed to be walking out the door together. Of course she knows it's going to be a very awkward conversation for him. Dinner is simmering. The table is set...and NOW she reveals that she has no intention of going. At least tell him at lunch time, or that morning as she leaves for work, or the night before during his bathroom runs after he hauled his sick butt out for her... dang, that timing might really highlight the self-centeredness of her choice. True, it's one episode in a new relationship, but it's a fairly telling one. Only he knows whether this is a pattern. Great analysis. And whether this girl likes it or not, this is the OP's parents' first impression of both the girlfriend, and the OP's relationship with her. I can imagine what had to be going through the mind of the OP AND his parents when he told them his girlfriend wasn't coming for dinner. Suddenly changing plans like that is a sign of disrespect to ALL THREE of them that goes beyond the effort of extra food needlessly cooked or the extra place on the table. I would imagine that the OP felt embarrassed in front of his parents that his girlfriend would cancel like that, and/or that his parents felt bad for him. That is not a good feeling. I personally feel 2 months is a bit soon to meet the parents in most cases. But the issues is the OP's girlfriend's disrespect. She could have handled it better, up to and including leaving a small gift from her for the OP to give to his parents. 1
Author GreenPolicy Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 Great analysis. And whether this girl likes it or not, this is the OP's parents' first impression of both the girlfriend, and the OP's relationship with her. I can imagine what had to be going through the mind of the OP AND his parents when he told them his girlfriend wasn't coming for dinner. Suddenly changing plans like that is a sign of disrespect to ALL THREE of them that goes beyond the effort of extra food needlessly cooked or the extra place on the table. I would imagine that the OP felt embarrassed in front of his parents that his girlfriend would cancel like that, and/or that his parents felt bad for him. That is not a good feeling. I personally feel 2 months is a bit soon to meet the parents in most cases. But the issues is the OP's girlfriend's disrespect. She could have handled it better, up to and including leaving a small gift from her for the OP to give to his parents. They've met her once before at a lunch a couple weeks ago. It was a dinner out at a restaurant, not making a meal at their home. Just wanted to clarify.
candie13 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Man, you are going soooo fast!! I am impressed, it seems to work... my relationship with my big ex started in a bit of a similar way - met his parents for Easter - after something like a month, and after a little more than 2 months, invited me to a big dinner with all of his family - uncle, aunt, nieces and nephews (it was his sister's birthday). We almost got married, he had a fantastic family! I still think some time with just the two of you and where she is expressing how she feels about you and your relationship might be good. It will also help you ease your fears - which, btw, don't come out of thin air. Make sure you're not ignoring the reality, even if you are having a sound relationship!
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 (edited) I must have missed something, but who's being mistreated or disrespected for sex ? I was just making fun of the poster, I sort of get pissed of the "life is so much better when you're single" attitude. It may be more fun, but there are some benefits that a relationship has which single life doesn't, and a regular, healthy sex life can be one of them . One-sided relationships are never healthy, if you're asking me. Sorry, Candie. It wasn't aimed at you (nor was it a statement about anyone in particular). I responded with a general statement in the context of the OP. Yes, I do a similar eye roll whenever a guy claims he'd rather be single than in a relationship. In Barnacle Bob's case, he's either divorcing or has just gotten divorced I think, so his stance isn't a surprise...although even he is trying to date. You mentioned one benefit. Tons of others associated with being in a healthy, serious relationship. Far outweighs the possible downsides. Edited February 4, 2013 by Cutiepie1976
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 ...She's normally very giving, kind and considerate, so I was a bit taken aback she didn't want to suck it up and go to the birthday dinner and was so put out at my demeanor while sick at the bowling alley... Everything is smoothed over for now, but I'm nervous. I hope this doesn't become a pattern. If she is normally kind, considerate, and generous, then don't worry about things yet. It could be a blip. We are all human. We all have our good and bad days. Certainly we aren't at our best when ill or exhausted. There will be times when you're inconsiderate. There will be times when she is. As long as there is no ill intent and things even out in the wash, you're fine. As I said, only you know whether it's a pattern. We don't. Sounds like it was out of character for her, so don't worry about it. I'd still encourage the two of you to do some damage control with your parents. Even if they said nothing to you, it looked awfully bad. It's helpful when they view her as positively as you do. You interact with her everyday. They get a couple of snapshots to form an impression. Most of us don't take photos at our absolute worst. It's not representative of us normally. Same here.
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Great analysis. And whether this girl likes it or not, this is the OP's parents' first impression of both the girlfriend, and the OP's relationship with her. I can imagine what had to be going through the mind of the OP AND his parents when he told them his girlfriend wasn't coming for dinner. Suddenly changing plans like that is a sign of disrespect to ALL THREE of them that goes beyond the effort of extra food needlessly cooked or the extra place on the table. I would imagine that the OP felt embarrassed in front of his parents that his girlfriend would cancel like that, and/or that his parents felt bad for him. That is not a good feeling. I personally feel 2 months is a bit soon to meet the parents in most cases. But the issues is the OP's girlfriend's disrespect. She could have handled it better, up to and including leaving a small gift from her for the OP to give to his parents. Agree with everything here. Short of a hospital bed or a coffin, this is one instance where I would have gone, alerted everyone that I was ill and had worked all day and would need to leave early, but made it clear that his birthday and he were important to me and not to be missed. As Woody Allen said, eighty percent of success is showing up. Everyone handles situations differently. Whether we like it or not, there are ramifications to our choices.
Author GreenPolicy Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 If she is normally kind, considerate, and generous, then don't worry about things yet. It could be a blip. We are all human. We all have our good and bad days. Certainly we aren't at our best when ill or exhausted. There will be times when you're inconsiderate. There will be times when she is. As long as there is no ill intent and things even out in the wash, you're fine. I know there was no ill intent about the birthday dinner. After I got off the phone with her, I was bored and feeling out of sorts, so I went to the movie theater, shut off my phone and caught a screening of Zero Dark Thirty. When I turned it back on again at 10:30, I had a couple texts from her where she was talking about having just woken up around 10 pm after being exhausted and wondering how I was doing. It is clear looking back that she didn't see going to dinner as a big deal since we discussed using the weekend of 2/9-2/11 as our personal celebration together of my birthday.
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