EA_torture Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 I recently identified my husband may be having an emotional affair. I have read every resource I could find, but I'm still unsure on next steps. Here's the story: My husband has worked with his secretary for 5 years. They are admittedly best friends. I'm not a jealous person, and I was wrapped up in my on career, so it never bothered me. After a few years, both of our family’s were added into the relationship and we all became good friends (she's married too), but the strongest tie in the friendship has always been between them. We vacation together, spend holidays together, etc. Over the years there's been a few times were I felt like saying, "He's my husband not yours" but the feeling passed. About 3 months ago, I got an anonymous call from one of his co-workers. Telling me "my husband needed to stop having affairs on me". My husband loves me. He is NOT the kind of person that would cheat, we have never had problems before. I assumed it was related to his secretary, who has also been my friend, and that it was probably getting blown out of proportion, but something was definitely not right, and something needed to change if that was the perception of his co-workers. I brought it out in the open with all 4 of us, talked about it I spent a lot of time unsure and depressed, and eventually tried to sweep it under the carpet. Over the past few months I’ve noticed: My husband was more focused on ensuring her emotional needs were meet on a daily basis than mine. He made a greater effort to see that she was comfortable being around me after the “phone call” than making sure I was OK. She would get angry with him over personal issues and he would respond and meet her needs without considering how I might be affected by it. She started drinking more over the last 6 months. Her behavior at the end of every evening became angry and abusive, and usually focused on me or my husband. I feel she has some personal issues if her drinking has gotten out of control. I was at a point where I did not want to go out with them because I find her behavior unacceptable, but my husband accepts her behavior and doesn’t feel anything has changed. Last week he called on his way home from work and said he was going to stop it for a few drinks with her and another female co-worker. He did not invite me and I’m sure her husband was out of town. I still trust that this is “just friends” and not sexual, but with her drinking behavior and his feeling of responsibility towards her, this was a dangerous situation that could have gotten out of control. So, here’s where we are now: I confronted my husband. He agrees the relationship is too strong and a threat to our marriage. He agrees that we should stop the friendship, but he does not feel he can do anything about the work relationship. He STRONGLY feels like he is betraying our best friends. He immediately discussed it with her the next day, but did not “admit” that to me for several days. I’m sure they have discussed it a work several times, but he does not share these conversations with me. He feels very uncomfortable talking to me about what’s happening on the other side of the fence, when it should be the other way around. I’m afraid he will create or continue a “secret life” to avoid the stress. (I plan to discuss this with him tonight). We have removed her from my life but not his. Where do I go from here? Can they really UN-tangle the bond created at work and get the friendship back across the line? How do you recover from an Emotional Affair? I need advice on next steps.
overseas2004 Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 Its is very unclear to me this whole thing. While I am sure that he is having an affair, it seems that you are not sure if he is or not. What gives??? You have two and only two options Anyway, my advice is this... You tell your husband that he either fires her and has nothing to do with her anymore or your marriage is over. OR Learn to live with it!!! your current situation where you are having every night talks with him about this, is not going to solve the problem. You either put your foot down or live with it. Good luck Overseas2004
jmargel Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 He needs to determine what is more important. You are her. You are catering to much to him and his whims. If you had a close relationship with a man, how would he take it? Cheating is just not physical, but also with the heart. You can't have a relationship when you can't trust your spouse. The foundation of your relationship is weakening and it's upto him whether or not to fix it. They have been 'close' for years and didn't have sex? I'm sorry, but that is hard to believe, especially if he is being this caring towards her, and putting you on the back burner. He may have to quit his job, to get away from her, if he wants this marriage to last. If everything else in your marriage is fine, then an ultamatium is in order. He should talk to her about this, while you being able to listen in. I would also suggest a marriage counselor as well.
Author EA_torture Posted August 27, 2004 Author Posted August 27, 2004 Ouch, brutal but honest. Yes, I'm not sure if it's gone beyond "just friends" and to be honest, I don't think I want to know. I don't want to have to recover from a full blown affair. Everything else in our marriage is great. I put out the ultimatum immediately and he acknowledged the need for it. My problem right now is that he can’t just fire her without a cause. Nor could we afford to have him quit his job without lining up another one. He says he will try to get her transferred. I’m hoping she will quit, if she’s such a good friend, she should be concerned about his marriage and want to help by backing off. All of this takes time, so I’m stuck in a holding pattern. The question is what do for now, how do I ensure he continues to acknowledge that it is a problem, work on the transfer etc, while she is still there offering support and advice. Right now his needs for support and understanding are probably huge too. I don’t want her getting credit while I’m the bad guy. I’ve considered a marriage counselor, and done as much research on the subject as possible on marriage, affairs, emotional needs etc. After I posted the thread I started answering my own question, you came up with the same. As long as we are stuck in limbo he needs to restrict his conversations to business only. If she asks how things are going at home he needs to tell her to stick to business. He needs to restrict his conversations with her to things he would comfortably repeat to me. Any other suggestions?
The_Analyzer Posted August 27, 2004 Posted August 27, 2004 Emotional affairs are far worse sometimes than physical. He needs to cut all ties with her. He can not focus on his marriage with you if he is still friends with her, even if its work related. I do think you all can get past this. It will take alot of work on both parts. Good luck.
Recommended Posts