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successful R after A...?

loredo21

By loredo21
in Infidelity

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2long Established Member

2long

Posted
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Some Frank Pittman quotes:

 

People who think they can't endure life unless they are "in love" are dangerous. After thirty-seven years in the trenches of family therapy and thirty-seven years in a totally committed, totally realistic marriage, I have come to see "romantic love" as an absurd, albeit delicious, crisis-induced escape from sanity, a narcissistic intoxication with no relationship to loving

 

 

Despite it all, if one is unpartnered and alone, romantic love can be a resolution to loneliness as magically ecstatic and lifesaving as Robinson Crusoe's spotting of the footsteps in the sand. While it will not last, the fact that it was once there and that memories of it can be conjured up from time to time makes a resultant marriage feel special and right. Of course misery (and/or an extensive sexual and romantic supporting cast) can result if the partners are so foolish as to require continuation of their romantic high for a lifetime.

 

 

John Gottman finds in What Predicts Divorce that long-term marital satisfaction comes from factors such as companionship and friendship, and the ability to provide support, validation, and understanding, rather than passion and in-loveness. It seems to me dangerous for people to stake their happiness in life on romantic love. They are ecstatic when they experience that most engulfing flight from reality, but miserable when they don't. Romance can pull you out of a funk, but it has far more side effects than Prozac.

 

This is more like what Harley describes as caring love, but Frank Pittman might describe as a realistic view of marriage and the joy that comes with being responsible for your lots in life:

 

Frank Pittman:

Marriage is not about being in love. It is about the agreement to love one another. Love is an active, transitive verb. It is something married grown-ups do no matter how they feel. It is nice when married people are in love with each other, but if they are loving enough to each other, that magic may catch fire again.

 

-ol' 2long

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loredo21 Established Member

loredo21

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I love everything you posted 2Long! thank you!

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ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

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Loredo;

Reconciling is NOT for the weak. I still have days that upset me. I found out of husband's A about a year after it ended but didn't even start "dealing" with it due to moving, work, kids for another year and a half.

 

I think the greatest motivator is once R has been decided (truly decided) by both parties and you get the first little glimpses of "love" back, be it through an unexpected hug or kiss or compliment or finding yourself forcing a date w/your husband only to end up sincerely enjoying his company!

 

It makes me want to keep going.*

 

the other day when I was REALLY down, I couldn't see past wanting to run away, then this morning he said something stupid funny and we laughed til our sides hurt.

 

It was the FIRST time in YEARS that I genuinely laughed With him. It felt good. :)

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LILLY_LOUISE Member

LILLY_LOUISE

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R has to come from both sides though. You both have to want to make it work, if one doesnt want to try and R then its time to pick yourself up and move on. As hard as that might sound, you have to ask the question could you live with yourself or him if one is always having doughts?

wanderluster Member

wanderluster

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I had an affair for many reasons, many that a few others in this forum share,

Un-addressed issues within the marriage, "spark" gone, ego-boost etc

But I personally, feel my biggest reason, is that I started to believe there was better out there.

This is the mentality I needed to get rid of in order to be fully committed to someone again.

I came to the realisation that, of course there will always be better out there, he will always find someone better suited for him than me, and vice versa..

But its not like trying different ice cream flavours in a store, with marriage, you chose this person, you work with him/her for life.

The beauty of it comes from this.

If you don't get out of that mind set now what about when you're both older and less fun and less physically attractive?

So many people talk about how much marriage is one of the worst things to put yourself through.. even media portrays it this way, but that's because 1 person in the marriage gives up on it and that's all it takes to bring it to ruin.

You will reap what you sow.

 

Find out why YOU cheated,

What was going on in YOUR mind,

NOT the relationship, NOT with your spouse,

But what made YOU bring yourself to cheat.

Contemplate it

Disagree with it

and know for certain that you CAN NOT ever hurt someone like this again, ANYONE.

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Lillyfree Established Member

Lillyfree

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i will disagree with everyone who said 'if you love him, but are not *in love* with him, you should divorce'.

 

loredo had a period of distancing from her H and marriage prior to the A. she then got emotionally invested in another person... it is silly to expect she can just bounce back and be 'in love' with her husband so soon after ending the A.

 

there's obviously a good foundation to build a marriage on, there are two willing people involved, and falling in love is possible again.

 

all the best loredo, keep us posted :)

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waterwoman Established Member

waterwoman

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I love H. I also like him as a person. That's a constant. That IMO is the bones of a marriage. The 'in love' bit ebbs and flows - that's it's nature.

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wanderluster Member

wanderluster

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So are there any success stories in this forum!??

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loredo21 Established Member

loredo21

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Thanks everyone for the advice, the 1st couple days were really hard and confusing. But H and I had a serious breakthrough last night. I brought up the fact that my gut was going crazy and I was having an "allergic reaction" to the R. We talked for about an hour and got to the bottom of everything. When he looked at me and said "when you're happy, i'm happy. when you're miserable, i'm miserable"...I just broke down. I haven't cried so hard in a while. I asked him through my tears "how could he love me so much?"....we talked a little more and I just looked at him and felt the urge to go over and hug him and we cried into eachother's arms. I told him how much I loved him and he the same. And I realized THIS...THIS is what true love is. THIS is way better than any butterfly initial ooey gooey kind of love. It's grown up. It means something. We've been together 10 years. And that means something! I realized then that I am IN LOVE with my H. That I was so lost beyond belief that I couldn't see that love anymore. He loves me more than any man ever could and treats me better than any man ever would. I wish I hadn't have hurt him the way I did, but we are moving forward. I am 100% sure that this is where I want to be. I don't know, something just clicked last night and we both felt it. We even kissed on the lips (something we haven't done in 6months). And I just felt a fondness for him again. I feel so much better today! YAY!

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leonine Established Member

leonine

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That's a wonderful story loredo. I know just how that feels. Reconciliation is a long hard road (one that I'm still on). There will be many ups and downs, but cherish the good times and keep them close to your heart. The memories of them will help get you through darker days.

Lillyfree Established Member

Lillyfree

Posted
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Thanks everyone for the advice, the 1st couple days were really hard and confusing. But H and I had a serious breakthrough last night. I brought up the fact that my gut was going crazy and I was having an "allergic reaction" to the R. We talked for about an hour and got to the bottom of everything. When he looked at me and said "when you're happy, i'm happy. when you're miserable, i'm miserable"...I just broke down. I haven't cried so hard in a while. I asked him through my tears "how could he love me so much?"....we talked a little more and I just looked at him and felt the urge to go over and hug him and we cried into eachother's arms. I told him how much I loved him and he the same. And I realized THIS...THIS is what true love is. THIS is way better than any butterfly initial ooey gooey kind of love. It's grown up. It means something. We've been together 10 years. And that means something! I realized then that I am IN LOVE with my H. That I was so lost beyond belief that I couldn't see that love anymore. He loves me more than any man ever could and treats me better than any man ever would. I wish I hadn't have hurt him the way I did, but we are moving forward. I am 100% sure that this is where I want to be. I don't know, something just clicked last night and we both felt it. We even kissed on the lips (something we haven't done in 6months). And I just felt a fondness for him again. I feel so much better today! YAY!

 

so good to read this loredo :) i am so happy for you :bunny:

 

H and i are on the road to recovery too.

we had a date night on friday - after the kids went to bed, we went to the spa, opened up a bottle of wine we bought on our recent trip to the wine region, and spent the night talking and giggling and ... well, wouldn't want to be too graphic :o

 

it just felt so good. and the best thing: i realised that i would never be able to feel this way with OM. i too realised that what i had with my husband was what i wanted and needed all along :D

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