successful R after A...?

[loredo21]

I'll try to sum it up as quickly as possible and then can answer any questions or comments. or feel free to look at my history of posts here.

I am willing to get any and all advice on R after A. I was the OW who cheated on H with a MM. After 6months of separation (same house different beds) but still spending every day together dinner and family time and such. we have decided to reconcile and start up MC again. Ever since A I have just lost all feeling for my H. But he is wonderful and I know I can get it back with a lot of hard work, time and effort. He is super supportive and we communicate very openly. Any success stories and processes people have gone through or R that failed are also welcome. I just need to hear what I may be in for. I am already overwhelmed.

Thanks a lot!

[SmokeRat]

The first point that pops out at me, is that you state: "Ever since A (assume affair), I have just lost all feeling for my husband."

 

Does he know this?

 

I can tell you as a BS, you're going to be in for a rollercoaster of emotions from your husband. Be thankful he is supportive. I'm supportive with my WS, as she cheated on me, but there are days I'd love to throw her into a burning building and turn off the sprinklers.

 

It all comes down to hard work, dedication and above all else, humility from you. You caused his suffering, regardless of the circumstances. It's great that he is being so supportive, but now it's time for you to buck up and take the lion's share of things.

 

Whatever he wants, give it to him. No questions asked (within reason).

[loredo21]

The first point that pops out at me, is that you state: "Ever since A (assume affair), I have just lost all feeling for my husband."

 

Does he know this?

 

I can tell you as a BS, you're going to be in for a rollercoaster of emotions from your husband. Be thankful he is supportive. I'm supportive with my WS, as she cheated on me, but there are days I'd love to throw her into a burning building and turn off the sprinklers.

 

It all comes down to hard work, dedication and above all else, humility from you. You caused his suffering, regardless of the circumstances. It's great that he is being so supportive, but now it's time for you to buck up and take the lion's share of things.

 

Whatever he wants, give it to him. No questions asked (within reason).

 

I should rephrase that a little bit. Before affair is when I started losing feelings for my husband. Hence the A. I do love him very much but I have lost that "in love" feeling. We have fun together and are best friends. And I know we may never get that feeling back. But I want to be ok with that. I need to be ok with living a happy life with a wonderful man and finding new ways to try and give eachother that rush. I know we are just starting our journey and so much can happen or change. At first H had a list of things he needed. Then he threw the list away recently and I am not sure that was the best thing for him to do. (although selfishly i didn't want to give him anything on that list) he still has the right to whatever he wants. I don't want him making a mistake by staying with me if I am not what he really wants out of life. It will only cause resentment. He says he threw the list away because he loves me for me flaws and all. Sounds so cliche though. And like he is trying to appease me....me? I don't deserve appeasing at all. How can someone so wonderful love me so much?

[SmokeRat]

Whatever was on that list, do it. You haven't the right anymore to be selfish. (Again, within reason).

 

You're husband made a choice to stay with you, which many BS's (including myself) question regularly when we do not see our WS's making efforts to reassure us. Take this as a gift and hold it close, not many people actually get that chance.

 

Is there going to be resentment? You better believe it. And lots of it. It's going to be your duty, to help him deal with that resentment. Whatever you gave the OM, you better give to your husband 200% more, help boost his ego and start rebuilding that trust.

 

I'm almost certain I do not have to mention it, but absolutely NO CONTACT with the OM. I'm lucky that the in my case, the OM's wife is a Police Officer and knows about the affair. So she's covering the NC side of things. I'm also lucky that I have about 25-30 firehall mates that are keeping an eye on my wife when I'm not around to make sure nothing happens.

 

Reassure him, constantly, that he is the only person in your life. And please, if you love your husband, but are not IN LOVE with him, leave. It almost sounds like you are settling for him.

 

It's great that you are trying to get that spark back, but be realistic. And be truthful to yourself, if you actually believe that you can get that spark back than great, do it. If you aren't 100% sure, leave the poor man alone so he can move on with his life and finding someone that loves him unconditionally.

 

And how can he love you so much? I cannot speak for him, but BS's seem to have a form of mental handicap that makes them stay. I can blame my handicap on fool love and years of breathing in smoke and lord knows what else.

[underwater2010]

MOOD SWINGS!!! They are the worst part and so hard to explain as a BS. Here is what my day consists of Happy/Sad/Pissed/Insecure/Confident/James Bond. You never know what you are going to get. I tried to get through some of your threads and I have a few questions to determine how to answer.

 

1. You said you still have some of his things....Have you gotten rid of them?

2. How did your husband find out?

3. You seem so torn up by you MOM ending it cold turkey? Have contacted him since?

4. What were your reasons for the affair?

5. What are your reasons for wanting to stay with your husband?

6. Did you and your AP say ILY or lets leave to be together?

7. What do you consider that "in love" feeling?

8. What do feel a fair expectations that he can have from you?

[SmokeRat]

MOOD SWINGS!!! They are the worst part and so hard to explain as a BS. Here is what my day consists of Happy/Sad/Pissed/Insecure/Confident/James Bond. You never know what you are going to get. I tried to get through some of your threads and I have a few questions to determine how to answer.

 

1. You said you still have some of his things....Have you gotten rid of them?

2. How did your husband find out?

3. You seem so torn up by you MOM ending it cold turkey? Have contacted him since?

4. What were your reasons for the affair?

5. What are your reasons for wanting to stay with your husband?

6. Did you and your AP say ILY or lets leave to be together?

7. What do you consider that "in love" feeling?

8. What do feel a fair expectations that he can have from you?

 

All very good questions, that you should honestly answer. You have to remember, you brought the affair into your relationship, it is now your monster to battle. His mood swings are to be expected, and you must deal with them as best as you are able. My WS has serious issues dealing with my mood swings to the point where she just cannot do it. Partly because she feels sorry for herself.

 

Do not be like her.

 

Ultimately, be honest with yourself, lots of posters have stated it normally takes 2-5 years since the last D-Day, to get over an affair. Are you able to handle that time frame in which the marriage will be difficult at times?

[drifter777]

If you are wavering now then I'm not sure you have the commitment necessary to reconcile. The reason I say this is that your husband is not yet allowing himself to feel the full brunt of your betrayal. He will, bet on it. When that happens you are going to have to deal with all of his hurt, anger, humiliation, and the inability to trust anything you do or say. Are you up for this? It's going to be the hardest thing you've ever done in your life and without complete remorse, transparency, and a willingness to do anything to undue the damage you have done then be strong and start divorce proceedings.

[NotCamelot]

Yes, be prepared and competlely understanding of the mood swings. And don't EVER say, "You need to get over it." Just DON'T.

 

He will have good days and bad days. You need to try to present all good days to him if you can. If and when he cries, hold him and reasure him that he is what you want. Because is going to doubt that a lot since you really proved that you did not want him for a while. And remember that even a tough guy cries when hurt badly enough.

 

Remember that his feelings, both good and bad, are your fault.

 

If you really love him, tell him often. You can NOT say it too much. And, yes, he does need to hear it. Don't ever tell him, "You know I love you." He knows what you did that showed you didn't love him. You now have to prove that you do love him. Words won't be enough...prove it.

 

There is something that led to you having an A. It is up to BOTH of you to fix that. But it is your job to do most or all of the hard work to get him to trust you again. You broke that, you fix that.

 

If there is any way to do everything he asks, you should. Again, you broke this, you need to fix it.

 

And, if you are together in the future, if a marital problem arises, TALK IT OUT - FIX IT.....don't run away from the issue into the arms of another. You will take the problem with you to surface another day.

 

I wish you the best of luck, really. I am almost 9 months into R now. So, I know what you are going through. I hope you make it.

[NotCamelot]

Also, and I will try to be delicate.......don't do anything in bed that he is not used to you doing.......regardless of where you got the idea. He will immediately "know" where you got it and it will hurt and he will keep thinking about it - endlessly.

[twosadthings]

Loredo,

 

If I remember his list correctly it was made up of things that he needed you to for him to feel safe that you took to be restrictions on your freedom. I don't think there was anything on it that a married person, especialy one that has been faithless, should be unwilling to do. It was your needing your freedom that got you to the place you are now.

 

If you don't want to do what it takes to be married to a good man who wants to try to forgive you then don't waste anymore of his or your time.

 

Toosadthings

[loredo21]

MOOD SWINGS!!! They are the worst part and so hard to explain as a BS. Here is what my day consists of Happy/Sad/Pissed/Insecure/Confident/James Bond. You never know what you are going to get. I tried to get through some of your threads and I have a few questions to determine how to answer.

 

1. You said you still have some of his things....Have you gotten rid of them?

I've gotten rid of EVERYTHING! Every single thing.

2. How did your husband find out?

MOM wife found out first. called me. And i broke the news to my H.

3. You seem so torn up by you MOM ending it cold turkey? Have contacted him since?

I was torn up in the beginning. Mostly from the rejection. I have only contacted him a few times in drunken stupors all within the first few weeks. MOM and his wife only slightly contacted me through social media. Again, all within the first few weeks.

4. What were your reasons for the affair?

Timing. Opportunity. Lots of affection lacking in both of our lives. Attention.

5. What are your reasons for wanting to stay with your husband?

Because he has supported me through my darkest days for the past 10 years. He is a great man. He is the best father. We have fun together. He is my best friend. But if I am being honest there is a lot of fear of the unknown.

6. Did you and your AP say ILY or lets leave to be together?

Never said ILY. But assume it was getting there. DEFINITELY let's leave. or in his words "let's run away" and yes he wanted to be with me. I only agreed but never spoke those words first.

7. What do you consider that "in love" feeling?

butterflies? wanting to be around that person all of the time every second of every day. anxious to get home to them. missing them when they are gone. lovey dovey-ness. PDA? That new couple phase. Discovering new things about eachother.

8. What do feel a fair expectations that he can have from you?

I'm not sure. He is being rather fair. Now. Before it was to the extreme. Now the whole list is gone. There's not even one thing left from the list. I don't get it.

 

Answers in Bold.

[loredo21]

Loredo,

 

If I remember his list correctly it was made up of things that he needed you to for him to feel safe that you took to be restrictions on your freedom. I don't think there was anything on it that a married person, especialy one that has been faithless, should be unwilling to do. It was your needing your freedom that got you to the place you are now.

 

If you don't want to do what it takes to be married to a good man who wants to try to forgive you then don't waste anymore of his or your time.

 

Toosadthings

 

Some of the list was fair. absolutely. transparency. curfew. money. yes yes I get all that.

But religion? My friendships? Mostly, religion I just cannot be someone I'm not.

I totally agree that I felt it was infringing upon my freedom. But now I feel even more weird that he was able to throw the list away so willy nilly.

[loredo21]

appreciate all the responses so far....

If I am not ready for this. for whatever reason. If I jumped the gun here agreeing to reconcile, how can I tell him? How can I break his heart again?

[Decorative]

Out if everything you've said, I see the reason you should not reconcile.

 

It popped out like a neon sign.

 

You don't have a view of what longterm love and marriage looks like.

 

You view love as the chemical beginning component only- and you fail to recognize the depth and breadth that can develop that means even more. And when you have that- you have a longing in your gut for your spouse that surpasses those initial butterflies. It's worth it.

 

You should end your marriage. You should spend time working on yourself. Have therapy. Be happy alone. Work on you.

 

And then maybe someday the pieces will fall together for you.

 

But right now? You aren't reconciliation material. You probably weren't marriage material. And that's okay. It really is. But what you're trying to do?

 

You aren't in a place for it.

[loredo21]

Out if everything you've said, I see the reason you should not reconcile.

 

It popped out like a neon sign.

 

You don't have a view of what longterm love and marriage looks like.

 

You view love as the chemical beginning component only- and you fail to recognize the depth and breadth that can develop that means even more. And when you have that- you have a longing in your gut for your spouse that surpasses those initial butterflies. It's worth it.

 

You should end your marriage. You should spend time working on yourself. Have therapy. Be happy alone. Work on you.

 

And then maybe someday the pieces will fall together for you.

 

But right now? You aren't reconciliation material. You probably weren't marriage material. And that's okay. It really is. But what you're trying to do?

 

You aren't in a place for it.

 

I agree with you to an extent. But technically she asked me what that "in love" feeling is to me. I know the meaning of real love, but those initial feelings do fade. I have real love and understand everything my husband has done for me. I was trying to explain the newlywed "in love" feeling. I understand that a lifelong commitment is a different and deeper kind of love one can ever know.

[Decorative]

I agree with you to an extent. But technically she asked me what that "in love" feeling is to me. I know the meaning of real love, but those initial feelings do fade. I have real love and understand everything my husband has done for me. I was trying to explain the newlywed "in love" feeling. I understand that a lifelong commitment is a different and deeper kind of love one can ever know.

 

That is the "in love" feeling of successful relationship. Not the butterfly initial rush, same as it was in high school.

 

You don't understand that yet.

 

Which is so very very okay.

 

But your spouse seems like a nice guy. And you seem like a nice girl. But this doesn't sound workable.

[loredo21]

Perhaps you are right. I don't know what I am doing!

[Decorative]

Perhaps you are right. I don't know what I am doing!

 

And you know what?

 

That's the first step to healing.

[road]

Some of the list was fair. absolutely. transparency. curfew. money. yes yes I get all that.

But religion? My friendships? Mostly, religion I just cannot be someone I'm not.

I totally agree that I felt it was infringing upon my freedom. But now I feel even more weird that he was able to throw the list away so willy nilly.

 

 

Toxic friends that enabled the affair, you must be NC with.

 

Religion?

 

Were you the same religion when you married your BH?

 

Did you convert to another religion for/with the OM?

[road]

You want a guide to recovery get the books Surviving An Affair, and His NeedsvHer Needs, both by Dr Harley.

[loredo21]

Toxic friends that enabled the affair, you must be NC with.

AGREED!

 

Religion?

 

Were you the same religion when you married your BH?

 

Did you convert to another religion for/with the OM?

 

Nooo! We were never the same religion. But after DDay he wanted me to convert to his.

[loredo21]

Toxic friends that enabled the affair, you must be NC with.

 

Religion?

 

Were you the same religion when you married your BH?

 

Did you convert to another religion for/with the OM?

 

oh and no way on the OM and religion question. the A was so short-lived I don't even know what religion he was.

[underwater2010]

I am going to say that I agree with decorative and I will answer all of the questions that I layed out to as a BS that is reconcilling with her FWH. Hopefully you will see the difference. This is not a blow to you, but to help you recognize if the relationship is truly worth it. Please do not just go throught the motions, but make sure this is what you truly want. DO NOT hurt your husband more than is absolutely neccessary.

 

Quote:

1. You said you still have some of his things....Have you gotten rid of them?

 

I've gotten rid of EVERYTHING! Every single thing.

 

Great Job!!!!

 

I got rid of stuff from my previous boyfriends excluding pics from prom and major events. I do not keep love letters, cards or even keep in contact with them. They are a beautiful reminder of my younger years, but should remain just that.

 

 

2. How did your husband find out?

 

MOM wife found out first. called me. And i broke the news to my H.

 

I give you huge kudos for that. You did much more than my FWH's MOW did. Did you tell him everything? That is a huge factor. As a BS we cannot move on without the whole truth. It might seem wrong at the time, but the hurt only last awhile, then we start to rebuild.

I found out first. Called her to give a chance to come clean and then confirmed with her husband.

FYI I have never and would never cheat.

3. You seem so torn up by you MOM ending it cold turkey? Have contacted him since?

 

I was torn up in the beginning. Mostly from the rejection. I have only contacted him a few times in drunken stupors all within the first few weeks. MOM and his wife only slightly contacted me through social media. Again, all within the first few weeks.

 

Keep up the hard part. NO CONTACT. It seems as though you are coming out of the fantasy. I would not even talk with your AP's wife. This is the time to focus on you and your spouse.

 

4. What were your reasons for the affair?

 

Timing. Opportunity. Lots of affection lacking in both of our lives. Attention.

 

It sounds like you were lonely...as was my husband do to our work schedules. This is an area you will have to work on in your marriage...and your husband will have to do his part. He has to understand what lead to affair....but understand it was your choice to enter into the affair. It is hard work but pays off in the end.

 

5. What are your reasons for wanting to stay with your husband?

 

Because he has supported me through my darkest days for the past 10 years. He is a great man. He is the best father. We have fun together. He is my best friend. But if I am being honest there is a lot of fear of the unknown.

 

He is a great father, my best friend and lover. We have 14 yrs together and 3 kids. To me it is worth fighting for, if he is willing to stand and fight beside me. Please be sure to remind yourself of this everyday. Even through the hard times.

 

6. Did you and your AP say ILY or lets leave to be together?

 

Never said ILY. But assume it was getting there. DEFINITELY let's leave. or in his words "let's run away" and yes he wanted to be with me. I only agreed but never spoke those words first.

 

It definetly sounds like you both in the fantasy. It is hard to break through but you both have. Maybe that is what you need to let your husband know. It was fake...every little bit.

 

7. What do you consider that "in love" feeling?

 

butterflies? wanting to be around that person all of the time every second of every day. anxious to get home to them. missing them when they are gone. lovey dovey-ness. PDA? That new couple phase. Discovering new things about eachother.

 

Yep that is how it starts for most people. Now I will be honest with you. I never had that with my husband of 14 yrs. I had a little flirting and desire, but no butterflys. Just a sense of we belong together from day one. We still hold hands, call each/text twice a day, and it nevers fails that his hand lands on my side at night while sleeping.

After the affair, we make sure to make time to talk about us, the kids and the future. We make love whenever time allows...do to jobs and kids. But hug and kiss goodnight and goodbye all the time. We buy little things to make each others days go easier.

 

8. What do feel a fair expectations that he can have from you?

 

I'm not sure. He is being rather fair. Now. Before it was to the extreme. Now the whole list is gone. There's not even one thing left from the list. I don't get it.

 

Here is what I expected from my husband. All passwords, not one change to an account, effort on his part, openness (if something bothers you speak up and not during an agruement), a choice of me or the MOW, Woe me like you did her and a vow to never cheat again. Any varience from that and it makes our new marriage null and void. In other words...I am gone.

[ver13]

You might want to go your own way your H and family deserve two healthy people M or not willing to put the hard work in. I've been with the same woman for 23yrs we have kids and we have had drama and I'm sure that more lurks just around the corner. Look no one knows what will keep two people together through all the drama that life will put before them. I do know this I was looking at my W when she got out of the shower the other day and I realized that she is more beautiful now then she was 23yrs ago. Long term relationships are just that long...and if it's not with someone that you truly want to be with then move quickly. I love women, But I only have one woman that I want to be with. Just because he is a good dad and provider doesn't mean that you need to stay. He sounds like a solid guy and I'm sure that should you chose to leave he will continue to be there for the kids. You see I have never said that I wanted to live the rest of my life with this woman we just can't imagine life without each other. This is love I guess and if you don't see it that way and are not willing to put aside all other distractions ie...Men Why are you hanging around?

[2long]

I should rephrase that a little bit. Before affair is when I started losing feelings for my husband. Hence the A. I do love him very much but I have lost that "in love" feeling. We have fun together and are best friends. And I know we may never get that feeling back. But I want to be ok with that. I need to be ok with living a happy life with a wonderful man and finding new ways to try and give eachother that rush.

 

Before I read any further, I need 2 comment on this. Love is NOT a feeling. At least real love isn't. People do all kinds of selfish and hurtful things following their feelings.

 

Love is very much a conscious choice. I submit that your "fun 2gether and are best friends" is the best manifestation of that love that you're aware of right now. Sure, you can get the feeling of being in love back, but it's never going 2 be permanent (unless you buy in2 the marriage builders myth that romance can and should last forever). It's much better 2 have a healthy understanding what love really is, going forward.

 

-ol' 2long