TheGuard13 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Based on your posting history here you seem like youd be the type of guy to do this. You seem to think theres nothing wrong with double standards and manipulation Ok, that was kind of random and baffling. What makes you say that I'm ok with double standards and manipulation on any level? That's pretty much the opposite of who I am? Is there a particular post/thread you're referencing? Wanting a companion and sex (that will progress to a relationship if things go well and the chemistry is there) is very different than friends with benefits. The intentions are different. They are not the same No, its not "very different". Wanting someone you can be friends with and have sex with is called "friends with benefits". Wanting someone you can just have sex with is a "****buddy", or using someone for sex. They are different concepts, and different types of relationships.
Drseussgrrl Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Wow - this guy is good. So good that he can talk about other hot women, point-blank say he doesn't want a relationship, and yet you still walk away "confused". Girl - I have a rule. When something is confusing, it is usually crystal clear. 4
TheGuard13 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I'd be interested to see what kind of other "hot girls" he talks about. I don't think telling her a story about some attractive girl who came to the office and made everyone stand at attention is neccessarily a red flag. If he's constantly telling her about girls he wants to bang, then yes, that's a problem, especially if she's told him that kind of talk makes her uncomfortable.
pbjbear Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Everyone has different standards. All the men I met that constantly made remarks about hot girls (not a comment here or there) showed other personality traits such as lack of self control and being too shallow for me. Ive never met a guy that constantly focused on others appearances who was a genuinely mature, nonshallow guy. Thats not who I want to date but thats just me- some girls dont care 1
Ruby Slippers Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 This guy is a loser. I'd dump him immediately. Why are you wasting your time with such a creep? 4
ltjg45 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Umm...alot of those women had children with men that abandoned them. I know very few women of the type youre specifying. Do you mean single women with 2 children from different men? I only know a handful and I used to work at Planned Parenthood Its not that rare actually you must have high standards or something Yep. Those. I seen quite a few of them.
Author Sweeetie Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 I want to talk to him about this again because I don't want to have sex with a man who definitely doesn't want a relationship. I want to tell him that I get attached to guys who I sleep with (I've never had sex outside a relationship before) and that I don't want my heart broken. Truth is it's just unclear to me what he wants- on the one hand he is saying he doesn't want to "jump into a relationship" implying that later maybe he'll want one, and on the other hand he's saying that we both "want different things". I might seem like I am reading too much into this, but the 'time for sex' which I had promised him is coming up and I need to be clear on these things before I get intimate with him.
ltjg45 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I want to talk to him about this again because I don't want to have sex with a man who definitely doesn't want a relationship. I want to tell him that I get attached to guys who I sleep with (I've never had sex outside a relationship before) and that I don't want my heart broken. Truth is it's just unclear to me what he wants- on the one hand he is saying he doesn't want to "jump into a relationship" implying that later maybe he'll want one, and on the other hand he's saying that we both "want different things". I might seem like I am reading too much into this, but the 'time for sex' which I had promised him is coming up and I need to be clear on these things before I get intimate with him. Really, I hold off on the supposed "time for sex". Delay it, cancel it, etc etc. See what happens. If he goes into another argument about it, I would dump him right there on the spot because apparently he cares about sex too much to be concerned about a possible long-term relationship, which is what you wanted.
veggirl Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I want to talk to him about this again because I don't want to have sex with a man who definitely doesn't want a relationship. I want to tell him that I get attached to guys who I sleep with (I've never had sex outside a relationship before) and that I don't want my heart broken. Truth is it's just unclear to me what he wants- on the one hand he is saying he doesn't want to "jump into a relationship" implying that later maybe he'll want one, and on the other hand he's saying that we both "want different things". I might seem like I am reading too much into this, but the 'time for sex' which I had promised him is coming up and I need to be clear on these things before I get intimate with him. UGH! Why do you need to talk to him again? HE TOLD YOU, he doesn't want a relationship. That is what "I want to take it very very slow" means! NOT TO MENTION the "hot girl" comments should be a dealbreaker by itself!! Why are you so hellbent on trying with this guy? Fact: he does not want a relationship. He is TRYING to avoid telling you that STRAIGHT UP because he still wants the chance to f.uck you! f-o-r-g-e-t him! you will get hurt and at this point it will be your own fault. 4
Author Sweeetie Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 (edited) UGH! Why do you need to talk to him again? HE TOLD YOU, he doesn't want a relationship. That is what "I want to take it very very slow" means! NOT TO MENTION the "hot girl" comments should be a dealbreaker by itself!! Why are you so hellbent on trying with this guy? Fact: he does not want a relationship. He is TRYING to avoid telling you that STRAIGHT UP because he still wants the chance to f.uck you! f-o-r-g-e-t him! you will get hurt and at this point it will be your own fault. You're right. It's just that I enjoy the conversations that I have with him; we are quite similar and have a lot in common. He's a really interesting person and I like him. I think that the real reason I wanted to delay the sex was to see if in these three 'no sex' dates he can get to know me and see if he likes who I am too. If at the end of the 3 dates I don't get the vibes that he finds me interesting too, there won't be a further date. I haven't told him this. So far on these past two 'no sex' dates it seems as though he has started becoming interested in me as a person. But I am unsure. The next few dates will clarify. I just don't know how to tell him that I want to wait just a bit longer before sex again. I dont want him to be disappointed Edited February 5, 2013 by Sweeetie
ltjg45 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I just don't know how to tell him that I want to wait just a bit longer before sex again. I dont want him to be disappointed Ask him directly: Do you want a long-term relationship or not? It's a "Yes" or "No" question. If he has to think about it, the answer is "No". If he thinks about it or says "No", then you should bolt. Your guy being disappointed is the least of your concerns. Right now, you are getting set up to being crushed and devastated. Knowing him, if he can't get it from you, he will simply get it from another female. I doubt he will be disappointed for long. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Read this whole thread, but pretend the posts by you were written by your best friend or sister. Then write her a message telling her how pathetic she's being, and urge her to dump this loser. 1
pbjbear Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 (edited) You're right. It's just that I enjoy the conversations that I have with him; we are quite similar and have a lot in common. He's a really interesting person and I like him. I think that the real reason I wanted to delay the sex was to see if in these three 'no sex' dates he can get to know me and see if he likes who I am too. If at the end of the 3 dates I don't get the vibes that he finds me interesting too, there won't be a further date. I haven't told him this. So far on these past two 'no sex' dates it seems as though he has started becoming interested in me as a person. But I am unsure. The next few dates will clarify. I just don't know how to tell him that I want to wait just a bit longer before sex again. I dont want him to be disappointed Please go work on your self esteem...Im not trying to be harsh but this is what it boils down to. It doesnt matter if you make him wait...thats what he wants from you: sex. Hes acting like he likes you so he can get sex. Most men are not completely inept and realize that is how they get sex from a woman (by fostering emotional security) Its not genuine and Id be super surprised if he wasnt doing this based on what you wrote about him. When it becomes apparent a guy is using me for sex or stringing me along, I cut him off. It took me a few times of getting burned in my earlier college years before I learned to do this but it has made my life alot easier. It gets easier over time. I have lost track of how many times Ive had to do this since I stopped getting burnt. You deserve more than that...you deserve a guy who WANTS to be with you! If you were fine with the casual nature of this Id say go ahead, but itd blatantly obvious youre not and theres nothing wrong with that. Dont sell yourself short Edited February 5, 2013 by pbjbear 2
Author Sweeetie Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 (edited) Right this is it...about 2 weeks ago I asked him if he was free on this evening, the 7th of Feb, to go to a folk music gig that my mate was playing at. I asked him because I knew he was a big fan of folk music and he said yup. I work as a tutor and I normally teach someone on Thursday evenings so I asked my pupil if I could rearrange her lesson to another day this week, so that I could be free to go with him to this gig. I asked him again about it this week when I saw him on Monday (our 5th date), he said "Oh I'd completely forgotten about that! I'll need to check my diary." The gig is tonight. It is now 1pm here and I haven't heard from him since our Monday meetup. If he found out he couldn't make it tonight he could have had the courtesy to just tell me. I'm not going to the gig, gonna go and watch a movie by myself tonight. No more am I in this. Looks like he disappeared before he got his sex... Edited February 7, 2013 by Sweeetie
Emilia Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 It is now 1pm here and I haven't heard from him since our Monday meetup. If he found out he couldn't make it tonight he could have had the courtesy to just tell me. I'm not going to the gig, gonna go and watch a movie by myself tonight. No more am I in this. Looks like he disappeared before he got his sex... This is exactly the kind of behaviour you can expect from a guy who treats you so rudely from day one. Hence why we have been saying that you should cut contact with him. He pretty much performed along expectations. 1
Leigh 87 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 My boyfriend really, really enjoys attractive women too.. He is not the most mature guy in many ways, but even he never rubbed it in my face that he loves "hot girls". Your guy has no idea about manners! ANY idiot knows that a chick you just meet does not WANT to hear you chat about hot girls...It SHOULD be obvious to men with good social skills... His lack of social skills is what would worry me..... If he does not think a girl cares if you talk about hot chicks incessantly, what OTHER behaviour will be think is okay, in public, when he is talking to your friends? 1
Leigh 87 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 And if a guy is into you, you can have sex on the first date, or even have a one night stand with a guy - and he will STILL be interested:confused: That's right! Kungfujoe, the poster on this site, had sex with his now WIFE, merely hours after they met!!!!!! And they are still madly in love by the sounds of it, years later! ........Look, please listen to us! We are more experienced than you! Many of us have been here for YEARS, and have had our fare shair of relationship issues! ....Please just trust us: this guy DOES NOT like or respect you. He sees you as a body to stick his D*CK in. Sorry, but he has no regard for yor feelings! He is heartless yes, I feel sorry for the girl he DOES fall for! Poor girl, to ne with such a nasty person..... ....Surely you want to end up with a guy who treats others with respect? Any DECENT guy with a shred of integrity, would not treat girls he is not into like cr@0P - they are human beings and deserve to be treated nicely. Not used and abused. ......What a nice guy does, when he encounters a girl who is interested in him, but whom he is just not into, is THIS: " hey, yeah, your a really sweet girl and you have a lot going for you, but I just do not feel a spark here.... I wish you luck finding the right guy though, and it was lovely meeting you! Instead, this jerk is playing you, even though it is clear your at his beck and call! Honestly, he is a heartless pr*ck. I cannot stand guys like this, EVEN THOUGH it IS truly YOUR FAULT your still in this situation!!! .....I really wish you get some self respect, and stay single rather than holding out hope for guys that think very little of you.
Leigh 87 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Seems like a fairly mature way to handle the situation to me. I don't see how he's manipulating her. He's just being honest about what he wants, and he's recognized what she wants, and that they aren't on the same page. Odds are he got frustrated that she was misinterpreting his actions/words when he seems to have been pretty up front about what he wants. It seems like she might be reading a bit too much into his actions this early on. He wants companionship, which means company and sex. That doesn't mean he just wants you for sex, but he certainly doesn't want to dive into a long-term relationship. Hold on... Now that I actually read the MESSAGES he sent her... He is not all THAT bad! Sure, he is immature and tactless for talking about hot girls, when in the company of ANOTHER girl..... He was honest though! He was polite about it, and he seams to actually respect her as a PERSON, albiet without being into her as a romantic partner. .....If he had strong enough feelings, though, he would know by now if he was interested in a potential relationship.... That is a given! A guy just KNOW'S he is really interested in getting to know a girl better, even the ones who are not LOOKING for a relationship....
Author Sweeetie Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 (edited) Hold on... Now that I actually read the MESSAGES he sent her... He is not all THAT bad! Sure, he is immature and tactless for talking about hot girls, when in the company of ANOTHER girl..... He was honest though! He was polite about it, and he seams to actually respect her as a PERSON, albiet without being into her as a romantic partner. .....If he had strong enough feelings, though, he would know by now if he was interested in a potential relationship.... That is a given! A guy just KNOW'S he is really interested in getting to know a girl better, even the ones who are not LOOKING for a relationship.... Yes. The messages he had sent me were what kept me wanting to see him; I liked his genuine nature, his honesty and his frankness. And in truth I was wanting to see if he could become interested in me as a person which was part of the reason I wanted us to have 3 more dates without sex. But I think he's made it clear now that he doesn't care. He never texts me to ask how I am, he's always the one to say "shall we get the bill now" when we're on a date, he forgot that we're meant to be going to a gig today...however great a guy I think he is, it is quite a waste of time for me to keep seeing a guy who doesn't give a toss. Edited February 7, 2013 by Sweeetie
Leigh 87 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 it is not because he does not respect you, like I initially thought he didn't... After reading his responses to you - he even SAID that he appreciates that your not a pushover! You told him that you don't want to be his FWB! While he may think your a cool and attractive girl, though: he simply lacks that "feeling" with you. It is not to do with your status or looks really.... The " interest " level that is requires for dating long term is either there or "not". Meaning: do NOT be upset, as he could meet a lesser attractive girl who is not as intelligent as you and STILL be more interested in pursuing her than he is in spending more time with you. It is just the spark you have, and the emotions you make him feel over you! That simple! He either feels it or not, and he could feel "it" with a less attractive women, and NOT necessarily feel "it" with some super model who is awesome, because he simply lacks a connection! ...Look, my bf did NOT want a girlfriend. I DID NOT want a boyfriend. We ended up together years later, and still are together. If your interested enough, it will progress into a relationship, regardless of what he "wants" in life. His feelings for a girl will compell him to date her and have a long term R with her: that girl is just not you. ....Do not take it personally! PLEASE move on though! He has made it VERY clear that, while he thinks highly enough of you, he is not interested enough to get to know you no a deeper level! 1
Author Sweeetie Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 it is not because he does not respect you, like I initially thought he didn't... After reading his responses to you - he even SAID that he appreciates that your not a pushover! You told him that you don't want to be his FWB! While he may think your a cool and attractive girl, though: he simply lacks that "feeling" with you. It is not to do with your status or looks really.... The " interest " level that is requires for dating long term is either there or "not". Meaning: do NOT be upset, as he could meet a lesser attractive girl who is not as intelligent as you and STILL be more interested in pursuing her than he is in spending more time with you. It is just the spark you have, and the emotions you make him feel over you! That simple! He either feels it or not, and he could feel "it" with a less attractive women, and NOT necessarily feel "it" with some super model who is awesome, because he simply lacks a connection! ...Look, my bf did NOT want a girlfriend. I DID NOT want a boyfriend. We ended up together years later, and still are together. If your interested enough, it will progress into a relationship, regardless of what he "wants" in life. His feelings for a girl will compell him to date her and have a long term R with her: that girl is just not you. ....Do not take it personally! PLEASE move on though! He has made it VERY clear that, while he thinks highly enough of you, he is not interested enough to get to know you no a deeper level! Thank you. You have made everything very clear for me. But he said that after 3 dates. Now that we've had 5, would he say different? I just felt that the conversations we were having these last two dates have become deeper like where he opened up to me about the problems he's having at his job and I was giving him advice. So thats why I thought he was getting interested in pursuing something with me. Well he didn't contact me about meeting today when I'd kept it free for him so that's definitely a bad sign.
quietGuy13 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Of course will talk about hot girls. Cause like me and most others, GUYS LIKE HOT GIRLS> That's just a mathematical fact. If yo'ure hot but hide it, then he will want other hot girls. HOT HOT HOT!!
SmileFace Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Of course will talk about hot girls. Cause like me and most others, GUYS LIKE HOT GIRLS> That's just a mathematical fact. If yo'ure hot but hide it, then he will want other hot girls. HOT HOT HOT!! Do you even talk to girls to really chime in on this?
Author Sweeetie Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 Of course will talk about hot girls. Cause like me and most others, GUYS LIKE HOT GIRLS> That's just a mathematical fact. If yo'ure hot but hide it, then he will want other hot girls. HOT HOT HOT!! Guys like hot girls. Guys don't talk about hot girls to hot girls they intend to f*uck. Because then they don't get hot girls. 3
xpaperxcutx Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Your mistake is thinking everything has a timeline and then when that timeline is up and you didn't get the result you wanted, you disregard everything and give him other chances. How many chances can you give someone who doesn't care in that way and never will? Stop thinking there are hidden meanings and that there are tests you need to pass because what you're not seeing is still right in front of you. This guy did not live for you therefore you must not live for this guy. I can tell you, a guy doesn't necessarily need x amount of dates to know whether he will like you or not. When he likes you, he would be the one going out of his way to show he cares. You will know when he likes you, and not contantly have to rack your brains over this or that. Trust me, while its nice to enjoy the feeling of liking someone, it's even worse when you have to feel depressed over a guy who doesn't feel the same way about. So what if you had a sex with him? You are not a victim so much as a consenting adult. And you learned a lesson as a result, maybe sex too early on isn't a good thing especially if you are not sure about how a guy feels about you. Now stop being a negative nancy. You can always do better. 1
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