Sweeetie Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 (edited) I met a guy online and we've had about 5 dates so far, he's not my boyfriend and he said that he wants to take things really really slow on the relationship front. He said he was intending to get to know someone slowly and see where things went. He kissed me on the 1st date and took me to bed on the 3rd (he forgot to buy condoms though so we just did oral), but afterwards I told him I would prefer to wait a bit more before getting so physically close again because I wanted to get to know him a bit more first. I suggested having 3 more dates before sex. One thing that bothers me about him is that he doesn't see anything wrong with talking to me about hot girls. He is a very frank and open person and this had initially attracted me to him but now that openness is putting me off for this reason. He started doing this as early as the second date ("a really hot girl came into our office today and it made all the boys hyper!") and it makes me feel really unwanted and not special at all. I always put in a lot of effort to look good for him for each date, only to sit through 3 hours of him talking about attractive women. I feel more like his companion than a girl who he's dating; a companion who he can tell anything to. Today was our 5th date and it was to the extreme; we were talking about our past travels and he was telling me about how he finds Korean girls "outstandingly and seriously stunning" and went on about this for quite some time. I am thinking about not seeing him again, because I want to feel special with a guy and not like this. I don't want to waste my time and my emotions. I'm not even his girlfriend yet so if he did eventually want a relationship wouldn't he behave more appropriately? Edited February 4, 2013 by Sweeetie 1
Treasa Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Tell him to get on the first plane to South Korea and then hang up and find someone better. 1
Emilia Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I met a guy online and we've had about 5 dates so far, he's not my boyfriend and he said that he wants to take things really really slow on the relationship front. He said he was intending to get to know someone slowly and see where things went. He kissed me on the 1st date and took me to bed on the 3rd (he forgot to buy condoms though so we just did oral), Maybe not having sex with him when clearly he isn't interested in a relationship with you would be a good start. Personally, I'd drop him. He is clearly uncouth. Who cares whether he wants a relationship or not, he is a peasant 10
JuneJulySeptember Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I met a guy online and we've had about 5 dates so far, he's not my boyfriend and he said that he wants to take things really really slow on the relationship front. He said he was intending to get to know someone slowly and see where things went. He kissed me on the 1st date and took me to bed on the 3rd (he forgot to buy condoms though so we just did oral), but afterwards I told him I would prefer to wait a bit more before getting so physically close again because I wanted to get to know him a bit more first. I suggested having 3 more dates before sex. One thing that bothers me about him is that he doesn't see anything wrong with talking to me about hot girls. He is a very frank and open person and this had initially attracted me to him but now that openness is putting me off for this reason. He started doing this as early as the second date ("a really hot girl came into our office today and it made all the boys hyper!") and it makes me feel really unwanted and not special at all. I always put in a lot of effort to look good for him for each date, only to sit through 3 hours of him talking about attractive women. I feel more like his companion than a girl who he's dating; a companion who he can tell anything to. Today was our 5th date and it was to the extreme; we were talking about our past travels and he was telling me about how he finds Korean girls "outstandingly and seriously stunning" and went on about this for quite some time. I am thinking about not seeing him again, because I want to feel special with a guy and not like this. I don't want to waste my time and my emotions. I'm not even his girlfriend yet so if he did eventually want a relationship wouldn't he behave more appropriately? To be honest, this bothers me too. Women rattling on and on about this movie star and that movie star and pointing out how the guy who washed her car was SOOOO HOT! I'm not like that, so I want a woman who is not like that too. Ideally. I wouldn't consider it a dealbreaker per se, but it would irk me. My favorite actress is 63 years old!
Author Sweeetie Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 (edited) Maybe not having sex with him when clearly he isn't interested in a relationship with you would be a good start. It was only after that night of sex that I talked to him about this and he explained to me what his motives are. Before that I didn't know. We were talking for 2 weeks before meeting up, and the nature of our lengthy, non-flirtatious conversations made it seem to me like he does want more than sex. Edited February 4, 2013 by Sweeetie
pbjbear Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 One thing that bothers me about him is that he doesn't see anything wrong with talking to me about hot girls. He is a very frank and open person and this had initially attracted me to him but now that openness is putting me off for this reason. He started doing this as early as the second date ("a really hot girl came into our office today and it made all the boys hyper!") and it makes me feel really unwanted and not special at all. I always put in a lot of effort to look good for him for each date, only to sit through 3 hours of him talking about attractive women. I feel more like his companion than a girl who he's dating; a companion who he can tell anything to. Today was our 5th date and it was to the extreme; we were talking about our past travels and he was telling me about how he finds Korean girls "outstandingly and seriously stunning" and went on about this for quite some time. I am thinking about not seeing him again, because I want to feel special with a guy and not like this. I don't want to waste my time and my emotions. I'm not even his girlfriend yet so if he did eventually want a relationship wouldn't he behave more appropriately? Stop seeing him. If he is like this so early on in dating, he will only get worse. Alot of guys I dated that went overboard with talking about hot girls waited a few months at least. The fact that this guy is doing it so early on is a red flag. Some guys find all girls to be really hot and to be overly obsessed with hot girls. These men rarely make good boyfriends. I dont think youre insecure. It would bother me too and most men would be bothered by a girl doing the same thing- dont believe them if they state otherwise. If it didnt bother you, which it obviously does by the parts I bolded, I would say its a quirk and move on. Just tell him your personalities arent compatible and end it 1
swenann991 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Look from this side: every man or boy from 15 to 75 years /old look at "hot girls" as you said, no exception, and if your boy is just talking about other girls, it is just honest boy So I vote for him 1
normal person Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I don't see why being honest with him would be such an issue. I'd much rather people be honest than just bottle up their emotions and/or continue to let someone transgress. If I were you I would just tell him that it makes you feel a little uncomfortable and you don't like it. That being said, just because you're dating someone doesn't mean you automatically lose attraction to everyone else. I know girls that are completely cool with talking about how hot other girls are with their boyfriends. I thought my ex-girlfriend was cool with it too until one time we were at a hockey game and Kate Upton was in the crowd and up on the big screen, I mentioned that she was kind of hot and my girlfriend flipped. She personally never said "X" is attractive, but I wouldn't have gotten mad if she did. Everyone has their limits. You have an issue with it and that's fine, you just need to tell him. If he has an issue with that, then I don't think you need to bother with him.
pbjbear Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Every guy (and girl) finds others to be attractive. That doesnt bother me it is more the fact that this guy is doing it TOO much. This guy is going way overboard. He lacks tact and sensitivity and seems shallow and kinda douchey. 1
KathyM Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I'm wondering if this guy read some crap on PUA sites saying that you have to keep a woman thinking she's nothing special and you have better options so that her self esteem will sink and she won't be as inclined to dump you. Either that, or he's an insensitive jerk who only sees you as a friend until someone better comes along and he really does believe what he says. Either way, he's not worth holding onto. Don't allow men to treat you so disrespectfully. 5
Emilia Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 It was only after that night of sex that I talked to him about this and he explained to me what his motives are. Before that I didn't know. We were talking for 2 weeks before meeting up, and the nature of our lengthy, non-flirtatious conversations made it seem to me like he does want more than sex. So after some kind of sex he tells you he isn't sure about the whole thing and wants to take it slowly and you are still talking to him? That's fine if you want something casual but I'm assuming not? Not quite sure what 2 weeks' worth of lengthy non-flirtatious conversations have anything to do with that. Look from this side: every man or boy from 15 to 75 years /old look at "hot girls" as you said, no exception, and if your boy is just talking about other girls, it is just honest boy So I vote for him Not at all. Manners cost nothing. 1
pbjbear Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 (edited) I don't see why being honest with him would be such an issue. I'd much rather people be honest than just bottle up their emotions and/or continue to let someone transgress. If I were you I would just tell him that it makes you feel a little uncomfortable and you don't like it. That being said, just because you're dating someone doesn't mean you automatically lose attraction to everyone else. I know girls that are completely cool with talking about how hot other girls are with their boyfriends. I thought my ex-girlfriend was cool with it too until one time we were at a hockey game and Kate Upton was in the crowd and up on the big screen, I mentioned that she was kind of hot and my girlfriend flipped. She personally never said "X" is attractive, but I wouldn't have gotten mad if she did. Everyone has their limits. You have an issue with it and that's fine, you just need to tell him. If he has an issue with that, then I don't think you need to bother with him. You made one comment...I highly doubt every hour you were constantly commenting on other women like the OP's guy is...especially women who arent celebrities. Very different If this were a case where she went on 4 dates and a guy made 1 or 2 comments, sure its understandable. But guys that do it constantly are shallow and selfish. He should be focusing on getting to know her and making her feel comfortable with him, not spending hours talking about hot women. I tell ya, the things people tolerate in relationships are ridiculous. When youre with someone, you are supposed to feel like he wants YOU, not just wants an ear to talk about hot women to Edited February 4, 2013 by pbjbear 4
Author Sweeetie Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 You made one comment...I highly doubt every hour you were constantly commenting on other women like the OP's guy is...especially women who arent celebrities. Very different If this were a case where she went on 4 dates and a guy made 1 or 2 comments, sure its understandable. But guys that do it constantly are shallow and selfish. He should be focusing on getting to know her and making her feel comfortable with him, not spending hours talking about hot women. I tell ya, the things people tolerate in relationships are ridiculous. When youre with someone, you are supposed to feel like he wants YOU, not just wants an ear to talk about hot women to Exactly. You couldn't have said it better.
Charlie Harper Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Ask him about male friends and how long have been his friends .. you will be surprised...
SmileFace Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Why would you give a guy a timeline for sex? Where has the last couple of dates been since then? Don't be surprised when he is gone by date six. 1
normal person Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 He said he was intending to get to know someone slowly and see where things went. It sounds like you're "getting to know him slowly" as well. Seeing as how you don't really like what you see so far, you could definitely use this to put some pressure on him to cut it out. Two-edged sword. I am thinking about not seeing him again, because I want to feel special with a guy and not like this. I don't want to waste my time and my emotions. I'm not even his girlfriend yet so if he did eventually want a relationship wouldn't he behave more appropriately? He probably would, yeah. It sounds like he's not doing much to try and impress you and is pretty tactless. My guess is that if he isn't bringing his A-game in the earliest stages, he's not going to just suddenly become wonderful later on. Or, if he does, he'll regress back to what he's doing now pretty quickly. 1
veggirl Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Red flags all over the place here, not just the hot girl comments. Also the "I want to take a relationship verrry slowly...but lets have sex!!" He just wants a fk buddy, don't even bother talking to him anymore. 7
Author Sweeetie Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 Why would you give a guy a timeline for sex? Where has the last couple of dates been since then? Don't be surprised when he is gone by date six. From your post I'm assuming that you're a man so here's what I'm going to say: It is because unlike men, women need to feel a connection and a sense of trust before they engage in something so intimate. We don't give ourselves away just like that.
stillafool Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 From your post I'm assuming that you're a man so here's what I'm going to say: It is because unlike men, women need to feel a connection and a sense of trust before they engage in something so intimate. We don't give ourselves away just like that. Then why didn't you wait until you had a commitment from him before you had sex. He told you this: Red flags all over the place here, not just the hot girl comments. Also the "I want to take a relationship verrry slowly...but lets have sex!!" He just wants a fk buddy, don't even bother talking to him anymore. He has made you a friend with benefits. 3
Emilia Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Ask him about male friends and how long have been his friends .. you will be surprised... Interesting comment, what do you mean by that?
Emilia Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 From your post I'm assuming that you're a man so here's what I'm going to say: It is because unlike men, women need to feel a connection and a sense of trust before they engage in something so intimate. We don't give ourselves away just like that. No, I think she meant that it was silly to give him an arbitrary number for different reasons. He knows he doesn't have to work to get you, he only has to get through to date 6, have the sex he wants and disappear. Besides, I don't understand how you can measure 'connection'. and why 'giving yourself away' on date 6 is better than on date 3 or date 9? Where do those numbers come from? Is this some kind of patience game? 1
SmileFace Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 From your post I'm assuming that you're a man so here's what I'm going to say: It is because unlike men, women need to feel a connection and a sense of trust before they engage in something so intimate. We don't give ourselves away just like that. Yeah, man .... mmm ok. No, but I don't know how you got the second part from what I said, a female said. Plan and simple - he isn't interested and I hope your connection works great when he leaves you as soon as he finds a hot women to pay him some attention. You don't put a timeline on sex because he can easily plan around it. Common sense. You have sex when you feel a connection not on the sixth, 3rd or 3 months in.
ltjg45 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 It is because unlike men, women need to feel a connection and a sense of trust before they engage in something so intimate. We don't give ourselves away just like that. Then it will disappoint you to know that is not the case for the majority of women. Hell, the OP did just that. Didn't even know the guy that well but had sex with him after date #3. After all, the number of single females with 2-3 children should say something. Finding an actual single woman with no children or just 1 that is well-taken care of is insanely rare.
Drseussgrrl Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Oh come on this is just childish and any dude with two brain cells to rub together knows that it's just bad form to be talking like you're a couple of guys in the locker room. Jesus what a turnoff. NEXT. 2
Author Sweeetie Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 Yeah, man .... mmm ok. No, but I don't know how you got the second part from what I said, a female said. Plan and simple - he isn't interested and I hope your connection works great when he leaves you as soon as he finds a hot women to pay him some attention. You don't put a timeline on sex because he can easily plan around it. Common sense. You have sex when you feel a connection not on the sixth, 3rd or 3 months in. Sorry friend, I misunderstood your comment; I thought you were a man who was saying 'why make him wait'. Completely misunderstood you. Yes exactly, I regret it now because I don't feel ready to sleep with this man but I promised him 'after 3' and he keeps telling me how excited he is for after the 3rd date. If I ask him to wait more he will get annoyed that I broke my promise. Normally i wouldnt care but the thing is there are signs that he does want me for more than sex. Nevertheless I have got myself into a bad situation about the 'sex after 3' Wish I didn't say that, I wish I said to him 'sex only when I'm ready'. :-/
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