Glanthem Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I am quite confused , I have been together with my now husband for a little more than 4 years. We met when i was studying in his country and got involved into a long distance relationship. When i had to leave to my native country ,we would spend several months and just visit sporadically (once or twice a year). He has always been good to me even though we would sometimes get into discussions over me feeling he didn't give me enough attention when we were not physically near. It was a hard relationship, while being abroad I used to feel left alone and taken for granted, it was almost like i was single... many times I felt on the edge of breaking up with him, but I always ended up sticking and trying to keep going and get things to work. One day i met a guy, I felt different about him , without really thinking I started dating him, we got along perfectly , we shared so many things in common ( lifestyle, ethics, friends , hobbies, communication skills, likes etc )and when I least expected I was having an affair with him, i felt understood and cared, he knew i had a relationship abroad so we agreed on a no strings attached situation… A couple of months later my fiance and me finally satisfied immigration processes and i was able to move to his country.. The affair came to an end , we said our goodbyes and everything seemed in place , but we kept contact and soon this guy confessed he was in love with me and that he so badly regretted letting me go… I find myself thinking about him all the time now, I guess we both fell in love ??? . However the marriage plans with my fiance kept on going , I could not stop them, i felt everyone would be so disappointed and the wedding was just around the corner , so I ended up getting married a couple of months ago , I thought everything would be ok. Thing is I haven't stop talking to this guy back home , I miss him so much but at the same time I know I cannot be with him, we talk a lot and everyday, he understands me and he says he wants me to be happy but that he wishes I was with him. I feel so bad as I cheated on my husband, before and now , but it breaks my heart too to even think about cutting strings with the other guy. I am constantly anxious, I feel guilty and depressed, I feel like I am worthless and seem to be unable to enjoy myself or my husband , I feel I have a great connection , understanding and compatibility with this guy back home but i also feel I should forget him and stick to my husband as I owe my husband respect and commitment .... But on the other hand I feel I forced myself into this situation, i feel it as an obligation , marriage shouldn't feel like that , does it? I am very unhappy and confused, I miss my country, my town, family and friends, i miss my independence, being able to work, I even miss the climate! , I miss this other guy so much... I don't know what to do , I feel no matter what I do someone will get hurt , I get so sad but try to hide it 24/7, I have no friends here , no family , I have no one to talk about this, I don't want to hurt my husband but i also don't want to be unhappy , if I split up with him to go back to my old life he would be so shattered , he was divorced when we met and he kept single for a long time and now I know he put all his hopes on me , his new wife, "the one". It would be so devastating for him ,I know it. I am so tired and depressed about this all that I even sometimes find myself thinking about suicide , I am so emotionally drained... Please help ! 1
Realist3 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Seems like your own words give you your answer. Get a divorce, face the hurt and go back home.
WhatYouWantToHear Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Please help ! Help with what? Sounds like you think random people on the internet know a way to make you happy without hurting anyone. That's not the case. You fully understand the situation and the options you have. Now its just time to be a grown up and make a decision. No one can help you with this, only you can. And someone will get hurt.
drifter777 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 The longer you continue this charade the more you are going to hurt your husband and deprive yourself of what you think is your dream man. Tell him the truth, move out immediately and start divorce or annulment proceedings.
TigerCub Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 If you don't leave him now, you're going to "be forced" into having kids with him and complicating things even more. And adding more people getting hurt to the tally. I feel terrible for your husband and although, yes he will be hurt and even devastated, it would be more kind to let him go so that he can eventually find someone that really wants to be with him, someone that will not cheat on him, someone that will be happy to be building a life with him. Do the kind thing and let him go. 3
Ninja'sHusband Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Don't have kids since your marriage was a farce from the beginning. I agree, face the hurt ASAP. Live an honest life. 1
Jonah Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 (edited) If only everyone knew, they would be all for your going home to be happy. Of everyone knew, they would be sad that you are letting your life slip away in unhappiness. Make a decision then stick with it. set a due date to decide and what you choose on that day ~ then you will have a plan and the clouds will clear. Watch out for your loverboy crawfishing on you. If that happens, pay him no mind and go about your confident life! You get knocked up and its a whole different world Missy. Edited February 4, 2013 by Jonah spelling
Jonah Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 You aren't a bad person. You are just living a life. Now you find that you are not so happy with yourself, adjust the manner that you go about life. I can see how you got caught in the current. you are not the only person that has changed their mind. Cut yourself some slack. love thyself for that is the conduit to let love flow to others. 1
Author Glanthem Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 Thank you all for your input. I am ready to face the consequences of my actions as hard they might be. I never ever intended things to go this way at all, but I guess feelings and relationships do get out of control. I hope to find the answers and peace I need and let people be happy at last.
Jonah Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Thank you all for your input. I am ready to face the consequences of my actions as hard they might be. I never ever intended things to go this way at all, but I guess feelings and relationships do get out of control. I hope to find the answers and peace I need and let people be happy at last. Best make the break sooner rather than later. The longer you stay the more of everyone else's time you are burning too. Make sure you take care of you #1.
2long Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I never ever intended things to go this way at all, but I guess feelings and relationships do get out of control. If you let them, yes. Take control of yourself. Take responsibility for your choices. You'll be glad you did. -ol' 2long
BeholdtheMan Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 ...Trust me, your fiance wouldn't want to be kept in the dark. He wants a wife but he doesn't want a wife who has had sex with another man behind his back. If you truly care about your fiance, tell him the truth and let him decide whether he wants to keep you If the situation were reversed, would you want him to keep you ignorant?
kamani Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I feel you pushed yourself into this situation. You took the decision to get married, while you were still dissatisfied with him and feeling unloved. Marriage is a lifetime decision and you have cheated yourself there. Be an honourable person. Stop cheating and discuss this with your husband. You have to act soon, before kids come into the scene. Surely, he'll get hurt but it's far respectable than cheating.
nofool4u Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I don't want to hurt my husband but i also don't want to be unhappy , if I split up with him to go back to my old life he would be so shattered Trust me, he'll get over it. Many men after a while realize that someone who cheated isn't someone they should want to waste any time shedding a tear over. He'll be hurt, but he'll survive...and actually thrive after he has had time to think about it. But that will happen only if you tell him the truth. You need to get a divorce/anullment NOW. And tell him you cheated. That way he can have the opportunity to get angry, after the initial desperation and sadness, to have the attitude that he can do better than you. Don't waste any more of his short time on this planet. End it now and he WILL get over you. Whats not to get over?
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