Londonsangel Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Ok I'll try and make this short, and I guess I just need a support group. Last Monday, my boyfriend decided to call it quits, we have almost been living together 3 years, have our 3 year anniversary coming up, and we were trying to have a baby, just had our first failed fertility treatment too. He just left, and took all his stuff. It's been a week and I feel worse today than ever. Maybe because he fetched everything on the weekend. Also, we work in the same dept... so I see him ALL day! I'm looking for new accomodation as everything in our flat reminds me of him. I want to hate him so bad, but all I want is him back. I had booked an amazing holiday for our 3 year anniversary, and now had to cancel, and I hear he's still using his leave to go on a boys trip with his 4 single guy friends. He is 6 years younger than me, but he seemed commited and mature. Now I'm turning 35, I feel I wasted 3 years and I really want a child and a committed man in my life. I'm also really struggling to cope, I have to come to work but I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I can't eat. I don't want to see anyone. Alot of our friends were combined, so I've lost alot of them, and pretty much my whole life revolved around him, so I'm left with nothing. I've been crying at work, which is not professional. I made an appointment to see a psychologist this Saturday, but I keep wanting to cancel, I've never been to one, I am scared to go, and I dont know if she'll think I'm pathetic for seeing her over a breakup. I know we weren't married, but we were trying for a child, and we might as well have been. I decided to use my leave to go see my brother in Ireland, and my new niece, but that is still a whole month and a half away. Any advise, or someone to talk to would be greatly appreciated.
cdt76 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I'm sorry for your loss. I worked in a similar situation a few years ago. It's very difficult to work in that environment. But you can't let him see you cry at work. You need to fake being happy. Fake it so that neither he nor your co-workers know what kind of turmoil you are going through. That is for you to see. If he see's it, it empowers him. I know this is hard to do but do not contact him, look at him, speak to him. No contact even at work. Fake being happy. See the psychologist! Don't worry about what he or she thinks about you because you are there for help, just as you are here!
Author Londonsangel Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 I'm sorry for your loss. I worked in a similar situation a few years ago. It's very difficult to work in that environment. But you can't let him see you cry at work. You need to fake being happy. Fake it so that neither he nor your co-workers know what kind of turmoil you are going through. That is for you to see. If he see's it, it empowers him. I know this is hard to do but do not contact him, look at him, speak to him. No contact even at work. Fake being happy. See the psychologist! Don't worry about what he or she thinks about you because you are there for help, just as you are here! Thanks so much, I'm not the best actress but I'll do my best at faking it. Going home alone, where we used to live is hard, and I just found out he's taking his leave he booked for our trip on our 3 year anniversary, and going on a roadtrip with his 3 single guy friends... I guess that's what he'd rather be doing than making a life with me...
mammasita Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 You and I are in a similar situation. My ex finally grew the balls to call things off last week. He is also younger than me - by 9 years. Up until that point he talked about the future, buying a house etc etc etc. What was his reason for breaking up? Like you, I feel like I wasted my last 2 years on him. I'm trying to understand why I'm so crushed by this......I've been reading alot the past week. I'd like to say it's been helping because I haven't spontaneously burst into tears since Thursday. I do highly recommend that you talk to a therapist - they are not there to judge you, they are there to listen and help you deal with what you are feeling and to offer constructive ways to cope with the pain and loss. My advice? You should also take that time off you had scheduled for your trip together. Grab your girlfriend/cousin/mother - anyone, and go somewhere.
Author Londonsangel Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 You and I are in a similar situation. My ex finally grew the balls to call things off last week. He is also younger than me - by 9 years. Up until that point he talked about the future, buying a house etc etc etc. What was his reason for breaking up? Like you, I feel like I wasted my last 2 years on him. I'm trying to understand why I'm so crushed by this......I've been reading alot the past week. I'd like to say it's been helping because I haven't spontaneously burst into tears since Thursday. I do highly recommend that you talk to a therapist - they are not there to judge you, they are there to listen and help you deal with what you are feeling and to offer constructive ways to cope with the pain and loss. My advice? You should also take that time off you had scheduled for your trip together. Grab your girlfriend/cousin/mother - anyone, and go somewhere. Hi Mammasita, I'm so sorry that you are going through this too. It really sux! I will keep the therapist appointment, see how it goes. I can I can go once and see. I have used my leave to book a holiday, to Ireland, but it's still so far away. I don't know all the reasons he broke it off.. he said so many nasty things, but I do find out now he's always broken off with girls, when things get serious, I'm the first one he lived with and all his friends thought for sure I was the one... We were also looking at buying a house together. My head knows I'm better off, he's an immature, commitment phobic little boy, but my heart wont listen, my heart is very very sore
Own Worst Enemy Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 this kind of man sucks so so hard. and what is so unfair is, they can change their minds at 50 and still have a nice wife and children. we simply don't get that luxury. still, much much better to find out now than in another 2 years, that's the way i'm trying to look at it. def see the therapist. if nothing else, it will be cathartic to spill it all out. at best, he/she'll help. hugs and vodkas x
Author Londonsangel Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 this kind of man sucks so so hard. and what is so unfair is, they can change their minds at 50 and still have a nice wife and children. we simply don't get that luxury. still, much much better to find out now than in another 2 years, that's the way i'm trying to look at it. def see the therapist. if nothing else, it will be cathartic to spill it all out. at best, he/she'll help. hugs and vodkas x That's what I hate!!! I am running out of time, to him it's nothing... Altho he had the fertility issues so maybe he'll end up a lonely old man... *karma* He was here to fetch the last of his stuff, was tough, if I didn't work with him I'd spread a nasty rumour on fb!!!!
Own Worst Enemy Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 sometimes it helps to know that other people are in exactly the same situation. my friend who is also 35 (as am i) recently got dumped when she told her bf of 7 months that she loved him. she had a lucky escape. my socially retarded unbelievably selfish self-absorbed body fascist ex dumped me because he wasn't attracted to me. he expected me to forgive him having more issues than the middle east, but he couldn't forgive me for having an extra stone? i think i will realise soon that i had a lucky escape. and you? guess what, also sounds like a LUCKY ESCAPE! 1
Author Londonsangel Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 sometimes it helps to know that other people are in exactly the same situation. my friend who is also 35 (as am i) recently got dumped when she told her bf of 7 months that she loved him. she had a lucky escape. my socially retarded unbelievably selfish self-absorbed body fascist ex dumped me because he wasn't attracted to me. he expected me to forgive him having more issues than the middle east, but he couldn't forgive me for having an extra stone? i think i will realise soon that i had a lucky escape. and you? guess what, also sounds like a LUCKY ESCAPE! Omw, I'm so sorry, what an @ss... why do we end up with these guys?? Yeah, give me a few months, it is a lucky escape, he cannot say no to his parents or friends, but saying no to me was easy.. I was never first on his list... Mine stopped loving me, or I wasn't supportive enough, or whatever, they will find excuses if they want, and they'll say hurtful things, anything to get out of the relationship, sadly I've had alot of long term relationships, so I keep choosing the wrong guys, I also keep choosing younger men, so I'm on a mission to force myself to like older men, and really get to know them... not this head over heels ****... Honestly talking to you peeps helps, I'm not crying, yay! Are you and your friend also still childless, and do you want children? I'm thinking of adopting or just getting a doner....
Own Worst Enemy Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 And sooner or later they will end up with someone who is nowhere near as good to them as we were, but will just have whatever it is they think they want. Idiots. Urrrrgh. My friend's bloke said that he didn't know what he wanted. The only thing he knew for sure was that moving in together was never going to happen. But could they Carry on shagging. Er....! She def wants kids. I'm not sure but I certainly don't want to think I'll never have them, if that makes sense. I think I might give myself a few weeks to heal and a couple of months to date. If nothing comes of it, I'll go for a fertility check and see. If all is well, can wait a couple of years. If things are slowing down, then I would try the donor route, I think. But I don't believe we need to panic. Maybe if we were 40 and having this conversation!
becks77 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Hey - sounds like a really tough time for you - crying at work is normal so don't feel bad - just try to do it in private. Take yourself off to the bathroom, have a little cry and then distract youself with a cup of tea - won't stop you feeling sad but might help for a bit! When me and my ex first split I couldn't stop thinking about him at work and the tiniest thing would set me off - now (almost 3 months later) it doesn't feel so bad. It will get easier for you - especially if you keep thinking of his negative points - make a list and keep it handy so that everytime you think about him you can look at it and remind yourself that you can do better! I'm nearly 34 and I feel sometimes like I won't meet a guy I want to have kids with - and yes it does suck that guys who are 40 can just hook up with 25 yr olds and not worry about time running out - however keep having hope - you will meet the right guy - there are so many out there! I thought I'd never get over my previous ex and then I met my most recent ex - now I'm sure I'll meet someone who'll mean just as much if not more - it's happened before! Also, try not to romanticize your ex - we all do it and it's crazy! You remember all the good stuff and forget the bad stuff - it's natural to do that. Remember they call it a break up because it's broken - it helps to think of that.
Gingerxr2 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 (edited) Can I say , from a male point if view, I understand what your going through, and not all men are the same ! Some of us do treat women correct and still get walked out on ! Truly hope you feel better soon , keep ya chin up you'll be ok after some well deserved time , I promise you'll be ok xx Edited February 4, 2013 by Gingerxr2 1
Sari Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Hey - sounds like a really tough time for you - crying at work is normal so don't feel bad - just try to do it in private. Take yourself off to the bathroom, have a little cry and then distract youself with a cup of tea - won't stop you feeling sad but might help for a bit! When me and my ex first split I couldn't stop thinking about him at work and the tiniest thing would set me off - now (almost 3 months later) it doesn't feel so bad. It will get easier for you - especially if you keep thinking of his negative points - make a list and keep it handy so that everytime you think about him you can look at it and remind yourself that you can do better! I'm nearly 34 and I feel sometimes like I won't meet a guy I want to have kids with - and yes it does suck that guys who are 40 can just hook up with 25 yr olds and not worry about time running out - however keep having hope - you will meet the right guy - there are so many out there! I thought I'd never get over my previous ex and then I met my most recent ex - now I'm sure I'll meet someone who'll mean just as much if not more - it's happened before! Also, try not to romanticize your ex - we all do it and it's crazy! You remember all the good stuff and forget the bad stuff - it's natural to do that. Remember they call it a break up because it's broken - it helps to think of that. Same boat, I'm 31, my ex 32, he ran like the wind as soon as kids and marriage were even mentioned (I would like to point out I hadn't hinted at either, it was merely talk that got him panicking, commitmentphobe loon ). I was talking to my therapist about this today, saying how unfair it is that with all the advancement of women's rights and equality and not having to settle down, the only thing that never changes is a woman's body clock. You can live like a 21 year old all you like, if you're a woman wanting kids and your body is late 30s, you gotta sh*t or get off the pot. And men can just stay off that damn pot for as long as they please. Even if they do impregnate you, they can just bugger off anyway. No need to do the right thing these days eh. Sucks. I'm so f***ing bitter too 3
becks77 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Same boat, I'm 31, my ex 32, he ran like the wind as soon as kids and marriage were even mentioned (I would like to point out I hadn't hinted at either, it was merely talk that got him panicking, commitmentphobe loon ). I was talking to my therapist about this today, saying how unfair it is that with all the advancement of women's rights and equality and not having to settle down, the only thing that never changes is a woman's body clock. You can live like a 21 year old all you like, if you're a woman wanting kids and your body is late 30s, you gotta sh*t or get off the pot. And men can just stay off that damn pot for as long as they please. Even if they do impregnate you, they can just bugger off anyway. No need to do the right thing these days eh. Sucks. I'm so f***ing bitter too i hate that body clock! you're so right - my sister had a baby and her husband just upped and left her 4 months after she gave birth - came home from work and took 5 minutes to end it - killed her - they were together 12 years and she did not see it coming - he hadn;t even said he was unhappy! He moved in with the girl he was cheating on her with(while she was pregnant) 4 weeks after that. Words cannot describe her pain at the time - I just wanted to take the pain away. Anyway - it just shows that he could just walk away so easily. But I won't generalise - not all men would be so heartless as to do that - he is a minority
Sari Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 i hate that body clock! you're so right - my sister had a baby and her husband just upped and left her 4 months after she gave birth - came home from work and took 5 minutes to end it - killed her - they were together 12 years and she did not see it coming - he hadn;t even said he was unhappy! He moved in with the girl he was cheating on her with(while she was pregnant) 4 weeks after that. Words cannot describe her pain at the time - I just wanted to take the pain away. Anyway - it just shows that he could just walk away so easily. But I won't generalise - not all men would be so heartless as to do that - he is a minority Shudder. That is actually my worst nightmare. Your poor, poor sister. What a **** how is she now? I don't want this to become a man-bashing thread as I do know some decent guys, but to be honest the older I get, the more Peter Pan types I see out there, living it up at the expense of some poor girl whose biological click is just a-tick tockin' away. Then when reality hits, the guy just bolts because nothing in his biology OR this modern society deems that he must stay. He doesn't have to, therefore why not have another decade of unmitigated fun and freedom?! It takes a really good, mature, principled man to make that real commitment these days I think, to see it through to the end. It's really bad living in London, I barely know any 30-something men who are ready to settle down, they all just wanna live it up every night, get smashed with their mates up town. UGH.
H3Drvr Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 On behalf of men (not boys) out there, I would like to offer my apologies. We aren't all the same and some if us got our **** together and want the same things you do. Unfortunately, we also meet "girls" in our lives that have the same mentality as these "boys". In a way, I wish these boys would meet these girls so that they can never breed and there heartless kind can just become extinct like the dinosaurs. Lol Keep your head up and maybe you can find some solace knowing that when one door closes, many more open. Trust me, it's a lot easier for women to find another mate, then the other way around. 3
Sari Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 On behalf of men (not boys) out there, I would like to offer my apologies. We aren't all the same and some if us got our **** together and want the same things you do. Unfortunately, we also meet "girls" in our lives that have the same mentality as these "boys". In a way, I wish these boys would meet these girls so that they can never breed and there heartless kind can just become extinct like the dinosaurs. Lol Keep your head up and maybe you can find some solace knowing that when one door closes, many more open. Trust me, it's a lot easier for women to find another mate, then the other way around. LOVE that idea. We can put replicas in glass cabinets in special museums, take school kids round to see them. The Jock, The Slut, The Peter Pan, The Drama Queen etc Dunno about your last point though, it's so hard to find a man who wants to settle down it's like an epidemic in London, all my friends are having the same trouble. And we are all attractive, articulate etc. The men just don't seem to want to grow up yet, they all want 'just a few more years'. 'Someday' just seems to be the watch word of the day. If you're a 30-something woman who openly admits to wanting a long-term commitment relatively soon, you might as well buy a house with cardboard walls to make it easier for the parade of baby-men to burst through as soon as they catch wind of your plans!! 1
becks77 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Shudder. That is actually my worst nightmare. Your poor, poor sister. What a **** how is she now? I don't want this to become a man-bashing thread as I do know some decent guys, but to be honest the older I get, the more Peter Pan types I see out there, living it up at the expense of some poor girl whose biological click is just a-tick tockin' away. Then when reality hits, the guy just bolts because nothing in his biology OR this modern society deems that he must stay. He doesn't have to, therefore why not have another decade of unmitigated fun and freedom?! It takes a really good, mature, principled man to make that real commitment these days I think, to see it through to the end. It's really bad living in London, I barely know any 30-something men who are ready to settle down, they all just wanna live it up every night, get smashed with their mates up town. UGH. I honestly don't know how she coped - it only happened in October so it's still pretty raw for her - first love, first everything but she has a beautiful daughter and that keeps her going - but yes, what an a***hole!Words cannot do justice! You're right about London - I seem to meet the Peter pan types or the weirdos who freak me out - but there are nice guys out there - we just need to find them! Plus I'm sure that the guys on here would say the same about us women! How have you been coping? are you nc?
H3Drvr Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 LOVE that idea. We can put replicas in glass cabinets in special museums, take school kids round to see them. The Jock, The Slut, The Peter Pan, The Drama Queen etc Dunno about your last point though, it's so hard to find a man who wants to settle down it's like an epidemic in London, all my friends are having the same trouble. And we are all attractive, articulate etc. The men just don't seem to want to grow up yet, they all want 'just a few more years'. 'Someday' just seems to be the watch word of the day. If you're a 30-something woman who openly admits to wanting a long-term commitment relatively soon, you might as well buy a house with cardboard walls to make it easier for the parade of baby-men to burst through as soon as they catch wind of your plans!! Lol, damn I should relocate to London! I know my company has an office there and I've been wanting to live abroad for awhile. In fact, up until my last gf who caught the GIGS bug, I was planning on moving to Germany. I'm still following through with my plans to move abroad within a year. Just trying to save enough money to relocate myself, my dogs an my car. I estimate, I'll need about £10k in my wallet to start off before I can make the move. I have a soft spot for European women . Attention women of Europe!!! Please be available in about a year! Haha 1
Author Londonsangel Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 @won worst enemy: he will end up with someone like that, and he will regret this oneday, as many times as I've had men walk out on them, I've had almost all of them come back, too late. What's with that? I worry that he'll use his holiday to go away with some girl he meets as he's never ever single, but I guess that's what he did to his ex, with me! @becks77: Thanks, I'm trying to put on a very brave face at work. I guess it's only been a week now and I do see him all day at work, I really want a child, I've always wanted one for as long as I remember and it seems everyone that does not want them ends up with them... As for your sister, OMW!! I thought I had it bad because we have gone through fertility treatment together, but having a child, and after 12 years, how is she coping?? I wish I could find that man and honestly throw a rock in his face! How disgusting! I do think having a child, you put everything into that child, so you move on for your child, that probably helps. @Gingerxr2: I know not all men are the same, I have friends married to some wonderful men, I just wonder where to find one of these guys. @Sari: Sorry to hear about your commitmentphone loon!!! Rather now than when you were 35 right... I wish I was at the bitter stage already... but I'm still too much at the sad grieving stage. I lived in London for 4 years, up into my 30's and that was a problem too... no one wanted to settle or even have long term relationships! And then I got back to my little town in SA, and all the men my age were snapped up, the good ones! @H3Drvr: Thanks, and you dont need to apologize You didn't do anything wrong. It seems we all go for the opposites, everything we dont need.... And you are right, the wrong people are breeding, and the good people are getting hurt. Dunno about it finding it easy finding a mate at almost 35, especially the right one... So where do you all live? I'm from South Africa.
Sari Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I honestly don't know how she coped - it only happened in October so it's still pretty raw for her - first love, first everything but she has a beautiful daughter and that keeps her going - but yes, what an a***hole!Words cannot do justice! You're right about London - I seem to meet the Peter pan types or the weirdos who freak me out - but there are nice guys out there - we just need to find them! Plus I'm sure that the guys on here would say the same about us women! How have you been coping? are you nc? Gosh, your poor sister. I know from having a 6.5 year relationship end (not this joker, he only managed 6 months before legging it!) that it takes so long to recover from such a long-term partnership, especially if it was a shock. Good that she's keeping it together for her daughter, I always wonder how, or maybe, if, I would cope in that sitch... Re coping, I'm not doing so well today. I had a school visit today (I work for a university), and usually I called my ex straight after to tell him how it went. He was always so proud of me for helping disadvantaged kids and it made me feel so happy to have a boyfriend who was interested in my work. Today I got back in my car and cried for most of the 3 hour journey home Also it was his birthday yesterday. I didn't contact him (NC for a month now), but I felt so sad all day. I hoped so much it would give him a kick up the bum but I just have to accept the fact that it's OVER. How are you doing? Big hugs, we will get through this xx
Sari Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Lol, damn I should relocate to London! I know my company has an office there and I've been wanting to live abroad for awhile. In fact, up until my last gf who caught the GIGS bug, I was planning on moving to Germany. I'm still following through with my plans to move abroad within a year. Just trying to save enough money to relocate myself, my dogs an my car. I estimate, I'll need about £10k in my wallet to start off before I can make the move. I have a soft spot for European women . Attention women of Europe!!! Please be available in about a year! Haha Can you come over a bit sooner Where do you live? Are there lots of nice not-too-young women, or is it slim pickings? It's funny, London has 13 million residents, but it seems that 30-something eligible, SANE men only make up about 0.00001% of that number
Sari Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 @won worst enemy: he will end up with someone like that, and he will regret this oneday, as many times as I've had men walk out on them, I've had almost all of them come back, too late. What's with that? I worry that he'll use his holiday to go away with some girl he meets as he's never ever single, but I guess that's what he did to his ex, with me! @becks77: Thanks, I'm trying to put on a very brave face at work. I guess it's only been a week now and I do see him all day at work, I really want a child, I've always wanted one for as long as I remember and it seems everyone that does not want them ends up with them... As for your sister, OMW!! I thought I had it bad because we have gone through fertility treatment together, but having a child, and after 12 years, how is she coping?? I wish I could find that man and honestly throw a rock in his face! How disgusting! I do think having a child, you put everything into that child, so you move on for your child, that probably helps. @Gingerxr2: I know not all men are the same, I have friends married to some wonderful men, I just wonder where to find one of these guys. @Sari: Sorry to hear about your commitmentphone loon!!! Rather now than when you were 35 right... I wish I was at the bitter stage already... but I'm still too much at the sad grieving stage. I lived in London for 4 years, up into my 30's and that was a problem too... no one wanted to settle or even have long term relationships! And then I got back to my little town in SA, and all the men my age were snapped up, the good ones! @H3Drvr: Thanks, and you dont need to apologize You didn't do anything wrong. It seems we all go for the opposites, everything we dont need.... And you are right, the wrong people are breeding, and the good people are getting hurt. Dunno about it finding it easy finding a mate at almost 35, especially the right one... So where do you all live? I'm from South Africa. Yeah, I agree about men coming back, especially if they leave in a panic/make a snap decision. Every bf I've ever had has come back at some point, usually too late! Which really is a blessing in disguise, why do we want these men really? Anyone who's willing to throw me away doesn't deserve me, and that goes for everyone one this bloody forum!! I really feel for you having fertility treatment and then being left. Wtf does he think he's playing at?! How is it going at work, are you speaking to each other? What are his reasons for the split? Ridiculous and flimsy no doubt! Big hugs xx
H3Drvr Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Can you come over a bit sooner Where do you live? Are there lots of nice not-too-young women, or is it slim pickings? It's funny, London has 13 million residents, but it seems that 30-something eligible, SANE men only make up about 0.00001% of that number Is this an open invitation for a visit? Lol. I'm more then ready to be an expat! I wish it wasn't so costly to move abroad. I'm about 30 minutes west of Washington DC. I wouldn't say the women here are slim pickings. But as I've mentioned, I have a thing for women of Europe. Who knows...there could be a successful love connection right here on LS! Haha 1
Author Londonsangel Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 Yeah, I agree about men coming back, especially if they leave in a panic/make a snap decision. Every bf I've ever had has come back at some point, usually too late! Which really is a blessing in disguise, why do we want these men really? Anyone who's willing to throw me away doesn't deserve me, and that goes for everyone one this bloody forum!! I really feel for you having fertility treatment and then being left. Wtf does he think he's playing at?! How is it going at work, are you speaking to each other? What are his reasons for the split? Ridiculous and flimsy no doubt! Big hugs xx Thanks Sari, it's bad, I was feeling so much better yesterday, then last night, noticed he has blocked me on whatsapp, confronted him about it, he was totally cold, saying, there's not reason to be in contact other than at work... drove another steak through my heart! I mean he dumped me!!! He's being cold and mean now... wtf? I don't know all the reasons he's split, but it doesnt look like he's one of the ones that will be coming back again.. he's shut himself off completely, acting like I broke his heart! Honestly... how do I end up with these heartless men?
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