BondiGirl Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Quick background I am a MW and he is a MM. We had an emotional affair which became a sexual hook up (once) and now it's all over. It's been a week since 'the deed' and we have had sporadic contact, nothing sexual - just general chit chat like ' how are you' etc. Anyway I decided to go with NC this weekend and focus on fixing my marriage. Mostly for my kids sake but I feel that it (my marriage) is worth saving. However I am p*ssed at the OM. He has seriously annoyed me with his behaviour. He started this and has so cooly walked away seemingly unscathed. I have had moments where I've thought of contacting his wife but then I think of the damage that would cause and I stop. I feel betrayed. I am hurt. I was so stupid. He got what he wanted and has tossed me aside. He said he's never cheated before. He had the audacity to say to me that we should perhaps think that what we have with our spouses is good. That his wife and him don't have a good sex life, she wont indulge his fantasies, she's career focused, all his buddies like her but she's cold doesn't ask him how he is etc.... He says it is 'funny' that we 'slipped up' but we are good people underneath it all and stopped it progressing. What the hell does that mean? It was never going to progress. He says its our little secret - don't I bloody know it. It's like a weight round my neck. Are these feelings normal??
Catplates Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 You were used. He has shown you that he got what he wanted and wants no more. Stay NC. It will hurt your pride for a while but you will get over it. Keep your dignity and don't have any more to do with him Get on with your marriage. 4
Author BondiGirl Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 Thanks. I 'd just like to think he is tormented the same way I am.... But I will hold my head high and focus on what IS important.
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Quick background I am a MW and he is a MM. We had an emotional affair which became a sexual hook up (once) and now it's all over. It's been a week since 'the deed' and we have had sporadic contact, nothing sexual - just general chit chat like ' how are you' etc. Anyway I decided to go with NC this weekend and focus on fixing my marriage. Mostly for my kids sake but I feel that it (my marriage) is worth saving. However I am p*ssed at the OM. He has seriously annoyed me with his behaviour. He started this and has so cooly walked away seemingly unscathed. I have had moments where I've thought of contacting his wife but then I think of the damage that would cause and I stop. I feel betrayed. I am hurt. I was so stupid. He got what he wanted and has tossed me aside. He said he's never cheated before. He had the audacity to say to me that we should perhaps think that what we have with our spouses is good. That his wife and him don't have a good sex life, she wont indulge his fantasies, she's career focused, all his buddies like her but she's cold doesn't ask him how he is etc.... He says it is 'funny' that we 'slipped up' but we are good people underneath it all and stopped it progressing. What the hell does that mean? It was never going to progress. He says its our little secret - don't I bloody know it. It's like a weight round my neck. Are these feelings normal?? Obviously he exaggerated and lied/minimized stuff about his marriage and wife to justify wooing you into an A and sleeping with him. But, with that said, don't put this all on him. You let it happen, it takes two to have an affair. So, how about telling your husband? This will TOTALLY put a stop to you and MM from seeing each other or letting it happen again in the future. You feel betrayed by him yet you've betrayed your husband in the worst way possible. Let your H decide if he wants to give you a second chance to save the marriage and yes, please do counseling, with him and on your own (same marriage counselor). Can you keep this a secret forever from him? You feel bad and guilty that it happened - Better you tell him instead of MM or his wife. Never know, MM could confess to his wife and she could ring up your H and tell him what you did with her husband. The truth has a way of coming out. sorry that you got hurt in all this mess, just stay away from him. As most say on here no contact = no new hurts. 1
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I also want to mention..He had every right to end things. like it or not, you both let it happen and then afterwards he chose to walk away. Who know his real reasons as to why he did end it but he made the right choice - You both are married! He started this and has so cooly walked away seemingly unscathed. I have had moments where I've thought of contacting his wife but then I think of the damage that would cause and I stop You mean consquences and fall out. Not for him but for yourself too, right? I don't mean to sound harsh.. Just know that by telling his wife (revenge to make him suffer) they will turn around and call your husband. In your H's eyes and his wife's eyes, it won't matter who pursued who, they WILL focus on the fact you two had sex. Neither one of you are worse than the other. 1
Realist3 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 What the hell does that mean? I think it means he started feeling guilty. Not sure why you feel used. Affairs have a life; some have a long life and others short.
underwater2010 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 If you were used then he was too. I am glad that you have both moved on from the affair. A little advice for you....if you expose him to his wife then you have to confess to your husband. Because it will get back to him...if you chose to expose your AP.
RickFox Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 You were just as much a player in the game as he was . You're mad because you wanted the affair to keep going and he stopped it? That's what I'm getting from this. 4
Catplates Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Thanks. I 'd just like to think he is tormented the same way I am.... But I will hold my head high and focus on what IS important. He isn't tormented at all... probably just smug. 1
Author BondiGirl Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 You're mad because you wanted the affair to keep going and he stopped it? That's what I'm getting from this. No, I didn't want it to continue - I don't know what I was thinking to be honest. There is a hell of a lot more to this than what I've written here... I am going through the anger phase. I broke NC today as I am unwell and my husband refused to come home to help me with the kids as I needed to go to bed. He sent me a msg back saying he sent me a cyber hug!! I am furious with myself for contacting him.... I told my husband last night that I had done something stupid and was gearing up to tell him and all he said was 'it doesn't matter, ssshh". I guess that wasn't the moment. It'll come soon. I just wish I could turn my emotions for the OM off. I would never have left my H for him and would not have been happy if he wanted to leave his wife for me but I am craving the thrill (I think), not for sex - the texting. I just don't know who I am right now....
RickFox Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 So you got emotionally involved big time. You're hurt because you want him to care that it's over ...... but you contradict yourself in your first post in this thread. You want to fix your marriage but you are mad at the other male for having sex with you (willingly) and making you think he cared. The way I see it is you both used each other in some form or fashion. It doesn't make it right and believe me I understand the pain involved, but you said you wanted to fix your marriage....so fix it. Make the excitement with your H and read what you wrote...you wouldn't leave the M for MM .............. so then why would you even crave anything from this guy??? He's not anything that you desire, just an ego stroke, so you do him again, then get mad, but it's not at him...it's at yourself...right? 3
Lillyfree Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 seems to me that it was an emotional affair for you... not so much for him. it sucks, i know. but realising he's a scumbag will actually help you to get over the whole thing sooner. turn all your attention towards your kids and husband. it will be hard in the beginnining, and may seem like an effort, and you might feel overwhelmed at times. after a while it will be easier. the more you get re-invested mentally and emotionally in your family, the more OM will seem irrelevant. don't contact him. don't reply to his texts/emails. come here when your fingers get itchy 1
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 You're mad because you wanted the affair to keep going and he stopped it? That's what I'm getting from this. No, I didn't want it to continue - I don't know what I was thinking to be honest. There is a hell of a lot more to this than what I've written here... I am going through the anger phase. I broke NC today as I am unwell and my husband refused to come home to help me with the kids as I needed to go to bed. He sent me a msg back saying he sent me a cyber hug!! I am furious with myself for contacting him.... I told my husband last night that I had done something stupid and was gearing up to tell him and all he said was 'it doesn't matter, ssshh". I guess that wasn't the moment. It'll come soon. I just wish I could turn my emotions for the OM off. I would never have left my H for him and would not have been happy if he wanted to leave his wife for me but I am craving the thrill (I think), not for sex - the texting. I just don't know who I am right now.... The MM is your ego feed. You relied on him to make you feel better. Be honest, when he sent you a cyber text, did it help? your H has NO idea, so when you said you did something stupid I highly doubt he thinks what you know it is... YOu are having withdrawal. that intensity and feelings, ego stroke he gave you. ALL wasted on energy that could be spent and put into your husband and marriage.
HurtZ Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I don't understand how someone could cheat on their husband and then all of a sudden when they aren't getting what they want from their lover they have a change if heart and want to fix the marriage. You want to save the marriage , ok. Tell your husband. Would he even want to fix the marriage if he knew what was going on? If so, imho you may have a chance with some therapy. I believe you are fooling yourself if you can't be honest with your husband and yourself. Your kids will be better off than living in a house of lies. Oh and ya he just used for sex, now he can move on to the next. Sorry to be harsh but I think you are being totally unfair to your husband. 2
Author BondiGirl Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Yes, my H would want to fix the marriage no matter what. I need to 'fix' myself then my marriage for the sake of my family.
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