Warning

[CautionaryTale]

This is only because I surprised myself by giving a crap. Didn't think I would but hey there it is.

 

I was with my man for 5 years. He cheated on me during that time twice (That I'm at least aware of.) .

 

This last time when (6 months ago) I found out I gave him the opportunity to cut it out. I stayed with him because I loved him. I hoped to be able to work things out but, found he couldn't stop talking to his OW. I left, and shortly after just stopped communicating with him altogether. 5 years down the drain. Gone, nothing left.

 

Guess what? He stopped talking to her. Altogether. Dropped her like a bad habit. The only reason I even know this is because she happens to post on another site, she used to post about how much she loved him and how his "psycho woman" wouldn't put out and a bunch of other crap. This blog of hers was actually how I found out about them to begin with.

 

Well, all of that garbage has been replaced with a hundred very sad posts about how she misses him, she loved him, he told her he loved her, how important she was to him. She's completely broken hearted. She doesn't understand how this could have happened, all the plans they had.

 

Here's the thing, he is currently calling me 50+ times a day, I only answered the call once and he can't stop crying, is having panic attacks, can't sleep, eat, blah blah blah... Garbage, all of it. She can have him. I couldn't care less.

 

The second he realized I was gone for good, he didn't want her anymore, what they had wasn't real to him. It was to her though. I actually feel really badly for her. She is in the same state he is in. The only one in this triangle who ISN'T freaking out is me. I don't care, he can kiss my a$$. I never want to see him again as long as I live.

 

Please understand that if someone is willing to do this to someone they've spent YEARS with, went through life changing events with, had children with (we did not thank god), sat beside each other and dealt with deaths in the family, the list could go on and on. You are NOT safe, if s/he is capable of doing this to someone (at least once) so important to them, they are definitely capable of doing it to you.

 

No matter how many reasons someone gives you for not leaving their partner to actually BE WITH YOU, it's because they don't WANT to. They may care about you, they may even love you but in the end they are exactly where they want to be. An affair is all about being selfish. If it's found out it will cause mountains of pain. the longer that goes on, the bigger the mountain. If they don't end one relationship or the other, it's because they don't care about anyone but themselves. He didn't care about me, he didn't care about her. He ruined me (for a time), he ruined her and in the end he ruined himself.

 

I thought I would relish in her pain. In fact it broke my heart more than his actions did. What was accomplished by all of this? She may have been naïve and a little too quick to believe his BS but, frig. She's a mess, she sounds just like me the first time he ran around. I don't particularly wish that pain on anyone.

 

I have only one question. Why on earth would you settle for this? I've lied to myself plenty over the years about his love for me, and how deep it ran. At least though he came home to me every night. It was me who got him all the time. I was the woman and she was the secret. Personally I would never want that. I would always feel like I was worth more than that. You are you know, you all deserve to be the lead role. Why settle for being the understudy???

 

Moral of the story is he's a pig who didn't deserve EITHER of us.

[Sarabi]

I have only one question. Why on earth would you settle for this? I've lied to myself plenty over the years about his love for me, and how deep it ran. At least though he came home to me every night. It was me who got him all the time. I was the woman and she was the secret. Personally I would never want that. I would always feel like I was worth more than that. You are you know, you all deserve to be the lead role. Why settle for being the understudy???

 

First of all...let me say well done for moving on from this toxic situation and this rubbish guy.

 

Now...let me answer the other part...Because if I am worth more...why am I not getting more? I am so tired of hoping for "love" etc. I always watch my friends, family, colleagues etc. finding happiness and relationships and having families. Its all fine for them but me..? Its just so never happening...

I have alwas tried to be a good person. I have done everything my family want-spent far too much time and money on university, travelled a little, work...support myself...am reasonably intelligent, am (apparently) reasonably attractive. I dont know really. What is it about other women that makes them better or worthy of relationships that I don't have? I talk to people and there is a seemingly neverending list of things I have to do-wear more makeup, dress better, find a better job, earn better money, change my outlook on life (this one is really hard), go to church more, pray to God to send me a man, keep waiting and believing(this one gets on my nerves), live alone, travel a bit more, love myself...etc.

So I am not good enough until I do all these things and someone who knows nothing about life can get a husband and a child and all the stuff she dreamed of with little effort?

I just wonder why I am really having to fight just to be loved just a little...and other girls just seem to get it just like that.

 

Just fed up really...!

 

(excuse the rant...better get ready for work...)

[Gibson_Girl]

It seems to me all those items on your list of what you "need" to be are, IMO, guidelines on how to "be/ have it all" items one would find in a shallow magazine. Perfection is unattainable. What IS attainable is how you feel about yourself.

 

Take the pressure off yourself in trying to be all these things! We all live in our own heads, wake up with ourselves and go to sleep alone with our thoughts. At the end of the day, are you happy with who and what you are? If not, find out who Sarabi is and run with it. To heck with magazines, TV, peer pressure and how you view other's lives (they aren't perfect either). And NEVER measure yourself against others, you don't know what they're going through.

 

I typed all that to say, discover who you want to be and be comfortable in your own skin and the right person will come along for you. The REAL you!

 

Best of everything to you!

[CautionaryTale]

Sarabi - You know, I understand where you're coming from. I knew for a long time that he was running around on me and I didn't end things for the same reasons why you've settled on staying with an unavailable person.

 

I'm alone now, I have no one. I feel 10,000 times better now than I did while I was with him. I'm sure that given time to get over all this I will have no problems finding someone else. Even on the slim chance that there isn't ONE person out there who would want to be with me? In a million years I would never want to go back to the way he made me feel. I will never again allow someone else to make me feel that way, I would rather be alone for the rest of my days.

 

You are worth more than that, if you want to be. Someone once told me that no matter who you are, there's someone somewhere wishing they had someone just like you. It's true.

 

I know everyone does things in their own time, learns things the hard way and this probably won't affect a soul. I just wish I had listened when everyone told me my future with spotless accuracy. Could have saved myself a lot of pain.

 

Gibson_girl is right, and I wish you all the luck.

[Sarabi]

And NEVER measure yourself against others, you don't know what they're going through.

 

This is so true...but its also something I find really difficult. Something that harks back to school days, constantly being compared(!)

Anyway, your advice is great...thank you so much

and I love the quote in your avatar

[Sarabi]

Sarabi - You know, I understand where you're coming from. I knew for a long time that he was running around on me and I didn't end things for the same reasons why you've settled on staying with an unavailable person.

 

I'm alone now, I have no one. I feel 10,000 times better now than I did while I was with him. I'm sure that given time to get over all this I will have no problems finding someone else. Even on the slim chance that there isn't ONE person out there who would want to be with me? In a million years I would never want to go back to the way he made me feel. I will never again allow someone else to make me feel that way, I would rather be alone for the rest of my days.

 

You are worth more than that, if you want to be. Someone once told me that no matter who you are, there's someone somewhere wishing they had someone just like you. It's true.

 

I know everyone does things in their own time, learns things the hard way and this probably won't affect a soul. I just wish I had listened when everyone told me my future with spotless accuracy. Could have saved myself a lot of pain.

 

Gibson_girl is right, and I wish you all the luck.

 

Thanks for understanding. Sometimes it feels like a something(even if its no good) is better than nothing. It feels like you're killing time...because its not like I'm going to meet anyone else anyway..? WRONG! Lol...I realise(through the advice of a good friend) I am wasting opportunities by making poor decisions with guys.

Hopefully I will make the change(and sustain it!).

Sometimes I really hate being single...other times I am so grateful for it

Thanks for the advice though. I wish you luck and happiness too!

[OpenBook]

I have only one question. Why on earth would you settle for this?

 

Why on earth did YOU?

[Barrsitter]

Sarabi,

 

I so relate to much of what you said. No matter how old or young we are, or whatever our circumstances, we all want to be loved by someone who thinks we hung the moon. I too want a relationship. I've been 20 years since becoming separated and then divorced. My kids are grown and I am lonely much of the time. Busy at work that I love, but still lonely. Some days I just wish I would not wake up. Other days I am fine with being alone. So, I empathize with you very much! Be well...Barr

[Sarabi]

Your post broke my heart.

 

I want you to know it is NOT you. You don't have to "change" for anyone. Be who you are! Well, let me rephrase - if you are negative, hateful, selfish, self serving mean b*tch, I can see why you are alone; but that is NOT what I got from your post.

 

Don't wear make up for anyone except YOU. Dress to make YOU happy (and again, unless it is sloppy, dirty and ill fitting). If you are happy in your job and support yourself, GOOD FOR YOU!!! Too many women (including OW) are financially dependent on a man.

 

I just don't think you have found the person for you. I believe we all have at least 1 person for us -- and that number can change depending on where we are in our lives. In our 20's, we are so different than when we are in our 40's. Under 20, forget about it LOL

 

You do know you don't need a man to have a baby - you can go to a sperm clinic. I had every intention of doing that if I wasn't married or with a partner. Look at the 'celebs' and they are adopting and implanting...you can too! A niece and nephew of mine are adopted - and were adopted as infants and not through a private agency - but through the county agency where my sister and BIL lived.

 

If you want to go to church - great. If not, great too. No one gets to decide what you believe and how you believe.

 

I don't know you but my heart broke from what you wrote. I hope you can find the happiness you are seeking. ((hugs))

 

to the Original Poster..... GREAT thread! Thank you for posting this!!

 

Thank you for the hugs, they are much needed right now... honestly people on here are so lovely!!!

I can be negative...on days like today I have a setback from trying to be more positive and it feels like all my hard work on a better outlook is unravelling before my eyes.

Oh yes adoption, I have considered this since my late teens. I would like to do it...when I feel the time is right.

I'm not that happy in my job...but I managed to get myself out of my rut after new year, sit down and sort out my CV/resume and started applying like mad so I can get something better(!)

The right person...if he comes, he'll come when he's ready ;)maybe I should try to stop worrying so much and just live life a bit more...

 

...and if all else fails I absoutely KNOW I am getting a dog (Cocker Spaniel, Golden Retriever or Old English Sheepie are my breeds of choice)

[CautionaryTale]

@OpenBook - I am not attacking anyone here, I didn't settle for anything at the time of my choices. I'm a firm believer in second chances, I gave him one. I was deeply in love with him and we had been through a lot together. He said he made a mistake, it would never happen again, stopped all communication, did all the right things and eventually we moved on. The second time I gave him the opportunity to stop contact and he didn't. The minute I saw that I walked away without another word. Now it's the same thing as before, crying, calling constantly, emails... He's yet again left someone else in the dust. He would do it again in a heartbeat. He will do it again. There are people who wouldn't. There are circumstances where relationships can survive an affair, there are circumstances where they won't, and where the partner WILL leave their SO for the other party.

 

There are also clear signs in most all cases which are hard to see when you're in the picture. I feel bad for the other girl in this case. He never would have left me, he was a cake eater. It hurts everyone. All I'm dong is sharing because I recognized my own betrayed feelings in her. I thought it might help others.

 

Sarabi - Good luck, I had a Old English named Professor, big fan, he was an amazing dog and friend.

[skywriter]

CautionaryTale,

I have only one question. Why on earth would you settle for this?

 

 

Gosh, that is the million dollar question. I don't know that there is one specific answer for this.

 

My first thought and answer for this initially is, I was being an idiot.

 

However, given deeper thought, the A, started very gradual for me, with the exMM getting very close to my son. Gaining my trust, always making himself available, calling often,just filling in all the empty spaces if you will.

 

Looking back, I can see how I let the walls down that I'd built up over the nearly six years of being alone. Even still, it was very disappointing that after all that time I would settle for a MM.

 

I blame myself for my choice to settle and I believe this is something I am still working on forgiving myself for.

 

Thank you for sharing your experience here. I can understand how you'd want to believe better of someone you loved. You're quite the PI finding out the truth.

Love, those Golden Retrievers, had to put mine down, after nearly 13 years, her name was Lucy.

Edited February 6, 2013 by skywriter

[OpenBook]

@OpenBook - I am not attacking anyone here, I didn't settle for anything at the time of my choices. I'm a firm believer in second chances, I gave him one. I was deeply in love with him and we had been through a lot together. He said he made a mistake, it would never happen again, stopped all communication, did all the right things and eventually we moved on. The second time I gave him the opportunity to stop contact and he didn't. The minute I saw that I walked away without another word. Now it's the same thing as before, crying, calling constantly, emails... He's yet again left someone else in the dust. He would do it again in a heartbeat. He will do it again. There are people who wouldn't. There are circumstances where relationships can survive an affair, there are circumstances where they won't, and where the partner WILL leave their SO for the other party.

 

There are also clear signs in most all cases which are hard to see when you're in the picture. I feel bad for the other girl in this case. He never would have left me, he was a cake eater. It hurts everyone. All I'm dong is sharing because I recognized my own betrayed feelings in her. I thought it might help others.

 

Why the defensiveness about your intent in posting here? My question had zero to do with that.

 

I'm challenging some assumptions you're making about other women. We're not so different from you, you know.

 

If he was able to pull the wool over your eyes, I don't see why you wouldn't understand how another woman might fall deeply in love with him in the exact same way. Your original question, "Why on earth would you settle for this?" implies that you don't understand why another woman would follow the EXACT SAME PATH you did. If you answered your own question for yourself, perhaps it might shed some light on that for you?

 

Also, you claim to NOT have "settled" - but the next girl (who would be in the EXACT SAME SITUATION as you were in when you fell for him) WOULD be settling? Why do different rules apply to you? I don't get it.

 

Maybe if you shared exactly what some of those "clear signs" were, it might actually help the next potential target recognize the warning signs and run like hell away from him? If you've shared them already, I apologize, I must have missed it.