Does it matter how your xMM/xMW think of you now?i

February 7, 2013

Show me where anyone is saying it and standing by it as an appropriate and reasonable feeling/action.

You can just go down the main page of the forum looking at the OPs to find an example. I remember because I thought it was strange to hate the BW, when there was no sign of any contact with the BW, and there was argument back and forth. But why embarrass anyone by linking and bringing back the same arguments here?

February 7, 2013

I have only been in NC for a couple of days after finding out that I was the OW. He lied to me for 3 years and said he was single - not even separated - but said he had never been married!!

Anyway, I actually do not think about "what does he think of me".

The question I ponder often is "What does he think of himself now". " Will he ever see how abusive he is?" "Will he ever stop defending his behavior? " Or will he just move on to his next victim...

February 7, 2013

Finally,

The thread is back on topic... y'all take the threadjack elsewhere

February 8, 2013

Anyway, I actually do not think about "what does he think of me".
The question I ponder often is "What does he think of himself now". " Will he ever see how abusive he is?" "Will he ever stop defending his behavior? " Or will he just move on to his next victim...

I am concerned with how he feels/ thinks of me. I can't do anything about it now. I didn't have the luxury of calling him to say goodbye and explain, so which would've been my preference, so I had to do it by email while I had the strength to do so. We agreed we'd never do that.

I think when you love someone you care what they think of you, even though as of now, in a situation like this, it's none of my business.

I hope he will remember me with fondness. I know he'll regret our actions and wish we'd done things the right way.

Anyway. If he ever wonders, I think he's a good man, I just wish he'd thought long and hard before ever approaching me.

February 8, 2013

GG;

You seem like such a nice person.

It's funny how we really do care what others think of us, at least for me*

So I will just hope that the right guy is around the corner for you and he thinks you are the greatest girl EVER! *

February 9, 2013

He should hate anyone who hurts his wife and right now that's both you and him. A good long period of self loathing is in order for him before he's proved he's changed.

As a fWS who went through a period of time of hating the exOM, I have to say hating means you are still too emotionally invested in the situation. I moved from hate, to contempt and now to indifference - and that is with seeing him every day at work. The point is that he now means nothing to me and I will not waste any of my thoughts or emotions on him.

February 9, 2013

Just relating to this, in my ex-MM's case, I obviously don't know how he feels since we haven't had any contact since mid-December, but I know he WOULD remember me fondly. Even despite everything.

If he has any hatred or regret, it will be directed only at himself, not me. He would never blame me, even if I should be blamed for part of it.

February 9, 2013

I have this theory I made up to help myself through in terms of my own relationship with my ex-MM.

I see people as having 2 boxes in life. One is the “survival box” and one is the “happy box”.

The survival box consists of things like financial stability, domestic stability and security, obligations, employment, health security, and such other things. Basically being able to live comfortably enough with a roof over your head, decent health and basic happiness in life. Fairly boring, but required, you know?

The happy box consists of love, fulfillment, excitement, feeling alive, passion, doing fun things you enjoy that satisfy and stimulate you spiritually, emotionally, sexually, mentally, whatever else. Inner peace. Contentment. That sort of stuff. Also required for a higher level of happiness, but also a luxury if the basics aren’t met.

SO!

Ideally, a person’s survival box and their happy box can come together and combine into one day to day life. And I don’t mean necessarily that someone has to love their job or their family life in order to be happy, but I mean if what brings them stimulation and fulfillment they can experience alongside what they need in terms of stability and security on the basic level, then the boxes can co-exist in relative harmony.

But if a person’s survival box gets in the way of their happy box, like in the case of my ex-MM, it’s just really difficult and eventually maybe impossible. His survival box unfortunately stands DIRECTLY in the way of his happy box. I am in his happy box. His wife, his life where he lives, his job, his home, even though none of those things make him happy, they’re his survival box. If he could move the stuff he needs into a NEW survival box that fitted with me and his happy box, he would. But it’s not always possible, and it’s not in his case.

As I said, I am his happy box, together with making music and having quiet peaceful time to think. These are things in his happy box.

Unfortunately, in order for him to continue living with this happy box, he would be completely jeopardizing his survival box. He’d lose his home as his wife would eventually leave / kick him out, he’d have no stability and he’d be alone. And it’s not just my part of the happy box that his survival box stands in front of. It’s also the music and his quiet time too. His survival box requires him to live with his wife’s 3 adult kids, who are very loud and always home. So he has only a few minutes a week to make his music and have alone time.

So anyway, hopefully the boxes theory makes some kind of sense. It’s not that your ex didn’t love you enough to be with you in the end. It’s about the survival box. Sometimes it’s not too hard to imagine (and then take) the leap from your current survival box into your happy box (and then you build a new survival box based on your new situation), but sometimes it really IS too hard.

Great analogy! The proverbial box feels like a trap from which someone can't seemingly escape. That said, I think A's can make living in survival mode bearable in that the person is able to get their "happy" needs met in order to fill up the happy tank. So where's the motivation to leave the survival box? The Fight or Flight mechanism has been shut off because they now have a tunnel or link to both boxes and have the luxury of going to and fro and never having to make a decision and then sticking to it.

February 9, 2013

GG;
You seem like such a nice person.
It's funny how we really do care what others think of us, at least for me*

So I will just hope that the right guy is around the corner for you and he thinks you are the greatest girl EVER! *

Thank you, CIH. I hope that happens, too.

February 9, 2013

I think what you aren factoring is that any fond memory of you is another knife in her. There's no way round that. He should hate anyone who hurts his wife and right now that's both you and him. A good long period of self loathing is in order for him before he's proved he's changed. And I'm not sure you will ever deserve to be well thought of *by him* because even after you change you're still tw one who hurt his wife with him. It's a guilt he should always live with and blame you both always carry, at least from him.

It's her prerogative to forgive if she can but hes got no right to just absolve the 2 of you. Massive massive disloyalty to remember you fondly.

You are right, but this thread is about if we care what the other person thinks of us, nothing more. Of course there are the right and wrongs attached to lingering thoughts. But, I don't have the ability to just shut off love.

I know that our actions hurt other people. It's like dropping a rock in water and watching the ripple effect. On the surface you see what's happening but under the water there are things happening one cannot see.

I do wonder about his wife, how she's feeling (I've been the BS three times), so I know what she'll feel if she finds out (I hope she never does). I don't wish the pain and humiliation on anyone.

February 9, 2013

GG,

I'm not familar with your story, but yikes, a BS 3 times!! With the same H or different Hs?

February 9, 2013

You are right, but this thread is about if we care what the other person thinks of us, nothing more. Of course there are the right and wrongs attached to lingering thoughts. But, I don't have the ability to just shut off love.
I know that our actions hurt other people. It's like dropping a rock in water and watching the ripple effect. On the surface you see what's happening but under the water there are things happening one cannot see.

I do wonder about his wife, how she's feeling (I've been the BS three times), so I know what she'll feel if she finds out (I hope she never does). I don't wish the pain and humiliation on anyone.

You've been a BS three times, you've chosen to be an affair partner, and you hope the betrayed wife in your situation never finds out the truth of her own life in what's happened?

I am speechless. That rarely happens.

February 9, 2013

GG,

I'm not familar with your story, but yikes, a BS 3 times!! With the same H or different Hs?

My first/ only husband, and yes, still M--but not for long. His A's were flings, with the exception of one. If she'd reciprocated to the extent he wanted her to do we'd no longer be married, he'd be with her. I was unaware of these happenings as they occurred so I didn't have the opportunity to react accordingly. It was only many years later did I find out, but only w/ sketchy details.

I've not posted my story w/ H because after nearly 20 yrs of marriage, I've finally had enough. I have stayed because of my children and I'm from the school of "I Do" for Life. However, after begging for crumbs like a dog from my husband for years (multiple convo's about needing love --maybe 40 or more over the years), I have come to grips that I can't stay for our kids. I have one ride around this life. One. And when that time is nearly over, I don't want to look across the map of my life and have more regrets than joys.

Right now, I'm staying for financial stability until I get my game plan together. Does he deserve that? Yes, as badly as I hate to say it. He's hurt and lied to me for years!!! I deserve to stay in it until I have procured enough money for a home, my insurance is guaranteed (his employers ins co will provide for me for life if we're married to X amount of time). I'm doing the best I can considering all the changes that are happening to me.

February 9, 2013

You've been a BS three times, you've chosen to be an affair partner, and you hope the betrayed wife in your situation never finds out the truth of her own life in what's happened?

I am speechless. That rarely happens.

What rarely happens? That I hope she doesn't find out? Or that I've been the scorned woman turned AP?

I'll address both:

1) Because of my upbringing and my family dynamic, I made the decision to stick. I left my H twice (very young) when he cheated and physically hurt me (i asked for help but his Sgt swept it under the rug) but came back because we had a baby and the stigma of being divorced so young and being a single mother, not having a healthy support system back home, etc., I reconciled myself to that being my lot in life.

As I grew up, had good examples put in front of me, I changed my outlook from tired resignation to being active in making a healthy marriage. Fast-forward 15 years: I have done ALL I know to do and knew to do and I see no viable way of being happy/ fulfilled or secure in my personal well-being and health by staying w/ my H. But because of insurance purposes I am forced to remain. Long-term planning is a good thing.

2) I shunned having an A because of my morals and my affection for my friend who became my AP, because I knew of the pain it would inflict on the W, our kids (regardless of age), and the feeling it gave me to hear people use te word "slut" or "whore". I wasn't one, still not, but because of societal judgement, religious background , it made me feel bad. But after sliding down the slippery slope of friendship turned way more, I began to justify my actions. If he could live with his reasons, I could live with mine. I heard him out and thought they mirrored my feelings (he said his first) and I thought, "We're getting out anyway, why not enjoy the friendship and the feelings of being loved?"

There's more but ill stop. This isn't my thread and my reasons may not interest anyone but me.

February 9, 2013

What rarely happens? That I hope she doesn't find out? Or that I've been the scorned woman turned AP?

I'll address both:

1) Because of my upbringing and my family dynamic, I made the decision to stick. I left my H twice (very young) when he cheated and physically hurt me (i asked for help but his Sgt swept it under the rug) but came back because we had a baby and the stigma of being divorced so young and being a single mother, not having a healthy support system back home, etc., I reconciled myself to that being my lot in life.
As I grew up, had good examples put in front of me, I changed my outlook from tired resignation to being active in making a healthy marriage. Fast-forward 15 years: I have done ALL I know to do and knew to do and I see no viable way of being happy/ fulfilled or secure in my personal well-being and health by staying w/ my H. But because of insurance purposes I am forced to remain. Long-term planning is a good thing.

<did I also mention that aside from his three flings he also advertised on the net for a sex partner in our local area? Not relevant but I'm on a thread jacking role, sorry!>

2) I shunned having an A because of my morals and my affection for my friend who became my AP, because I knew of the pain it would inflict on the W, our kids (regardless of age), and the feeling it gave me to hear people use te word "slut" or "whore". I wasn't one, still not, but because of societal judgement, religious background , it made me feel bad. But after sliding down the slippery slope of friendship turned way more, I began to justify my actions. If he could live with his reasons, I could live with mine. I heard him out and thought they mirrored my feelings (he said his first) and I thought, "We're getting out anyway, why not enjoy the friendship and the feelings of being loved?"

There's more but ill stop. This isn't my thread and my reasons may not interest anyone but me.

You don't to stop. Keep talking

February 9, 2013

What rarely happens? That I hope she doesn't find out? Or that I've been the scorned woman turned AP?

I'll address both:

1) Because of my upbringing and my family dynamic, I made the decision to stick. I left my H twice (very young) when he cheated and physically hurt me (i asked for help but his Sgt swept it under the rug) but came back because we had a baby and the stigma of being divorced so young and being a single mother, not having a healthy support system back home, etc., I reconciled myself to that being my lot in life.
As I grew up, had good examples put in front of me, I changed my outlook from tired resignation to being active in making a healthy marriage. Fast-forward 15 years: I have done ALL I know to do and knew to do and I see no viable way of being happy/ fulfilled or secure in my personal well-being and health by staying w/ my H. But because of insurance purposes I am forced to remain. Long-term planning is a good thing.

<did I also mention that aside from his three flings he also advertised on the net for a sex partner in our local area? Not relevant but I'm on a thread jacking role, sorry!>

2) I shunned having an A because of my morals and my affection for my friend who became my AP, because I knew of the pain it would inflict on the W, our kids (regardless of age), and the feeling it gave me to hear people use te word "slut" or "whore". I wasn't one, still not, but because of societal judgement, religious background , it made me feel bad. But after sliding down the slippery slope of friendship turned way more, I began to justify my actions. If he could live with his reasons, I could live with mine. I heard him out and thought they mirrored my feelings (he said his first) and I thought, "We're getting out anyway, why not enjoy the friendship and the feelings of being loved?"

There's more but ill stop. This isn't my thread and my reasons may not interest anyone but me.

I am rarely speechless. Not the other things you guessed I meant.

I wish you well. I hope you find peace. It can't be a satisfying path you've been walking, so I hope you find a way to do no harm- primarily to yourself.

Edited February 9, 2013 by Decorative

February 9, 2013

You've been a BS three times, you've chosen to be an affair partner, and you hope the betrayed wife in your situation never finds out the truth of her own life in what's happened?

I am speechless. That rarely happens.

I didn't address this part :

It's not my marriage to talk about so I'll just say this, they've had serious problems for years and sought professional help, etc., but their issues didn't go away. This was all before I came into the picture. Their issues went waaay back. Her 2nd M, his 1st. The demise of their marriage was due to long-standing problems and nothing to do with me. He felt stuck (See Stevie's box analogy), I am stuck and we just meshed. Not because of common problems either.

All that to say, I wouldn't wish the knowledge of infidelity on anyone (btw, she was a serial cheater w/ her 1st hubby). He needs to stand up and rectify that situation for himself and for her and give the initial reasons--AGAIN--and none of those are me. I/ we are the result of dying/ dead marriages. Her finding out would hurt her and allow her to lay complete blame at his feet and disregard her own fault pre-me. Clear as mud?

I'm not a std risk and haven't been involved with my H for well over 8 months now and he's been tested. So have I. So no need to tell because of health risks.

My calling a halt to us may make him either reconcile with her and propel him into being a real, true husband or it will make him see he needs to regroup and be alone.

In my case I found out about first cheating incident not even a month into our M. I left and came back. Like a fool. Again, divorce stigma back then and the idea if raising a child alone was terrifying to me.

February 9, 2013

I just wanted you to know that I read your reply, but I have no response. I don't understand your actions , so I cannot offer you anything other than a wish that someday you find happiness.

February 9, 2013

For me, I guess it all boils down to the fact that I was extremely lonely in my marriage, sad that all my attempts to make M work had failed (even the attempts I made before full-on EA began failed), and I met a kindred spirit. We knew one another long ago and know the same folks so there was a lot to talk about. It happened...

Thank you, Decorative. I hope that, after I finish this chapter of my life & get myself together, that I'll be truly happy. I'm very fresh off the A turnip truck so I can't imagine being with anyone other than my guy... Her guy.

I have a lot of internal cleaning to do.

February 9, 2013

In my circle no one who had looked my mom or my sister in the face and seen them crumple with pain could ever have been in affair. Ever. No matter tw state of their own life.

I am speechless also at being able to inflict the same kind of suffering on another. I hope you make peace with that. I hope her life is as happy ad it can be in the circumstances.

The air must be thin up there on your high horse. C'mon down where empathy is abundant!

Not everyone reacts the same or can read minds, which apparently you can since you know what people in your circle will or won't do in any given situation.

It's my burden to bear. I am bearing it with as much grace as I can.

And having just read your flames at other people on various threads (really?! Over 500 posts in a month or so?!), I hope you are able to put your personal demons to rest and find peace for your own heart and mind where you aren't so angry anymore.

I'm sorry for my written tone; it is annoying to be hung by the judge and jury. I hope that should you ever make big errors in judgement in your own life that you'll find mercy instead of judgement. I doubt you will though; with the same measure of judgement you've dealt, you'll be judged with like harshness. And for that, I hope I'm terribly wrong. After all, I'm no sage know-it-all.

February 9, 2013

I'm sure I can survive GG, it's a low bar to not do anything comparable to being in an affair.

I think you can control your feelings more than you think. It's about how you look at things and use your experience to inform your actions. If you felt sufficiently bad for the pain caused then you would be disgusted at the thought of him. Maybe you will get there eventually.

In reality, you have planted yourself right in the middle of your frend/sister's marriage. Your over involved and think it's your job to fix it. Perhaps you should examine why. It's not really any different than what shame-on-me was trying to do with his xOW. It shows a huge lack of boundaries and just because you justify it by saying your on the right side of the argument doesn't make it right. A person with boundary issues is a person with boundary issues. Your sister or friend or whomever is not going to be able to get in touch with their inner beauty and bring it forward with you interceding the way you are. This is her journey and she needs to fix it on her own. Planting yourself in her marriage and coming here to fight the evil OW is only going to enable her to hold onto the pain and play victim instead of working through it. You're not God and it's not your job to fix it. It's hers. It's self serving to think otherwise.

Edited February 9, 2013 by spice4life

February 10, 2013

^^^This^^^

February 10, 2013

Hey Rick Fox,

It wasn't until it ended a week or so ago (he claims to have had a nervous breakdown) that i started reading and realizing that they all say the same things. "You are my soul mate, the best thing I've ever had"... and yet they stay.

I, too, don't care to ever talk to him again. There is nothing productive that could possibly come out of it except my frustration and his continual lies. I am numb to the entire thing. For that I am grateful because I used to wait endlessly for a text from him and at times the urge to tell him how badly he hurt me. Bottom line is none of it matters anymore. Move on, forgive, find true love.

February 10, 2013

Hey Rick Fox,

It wasn't until it ended a week or so ago (he claims to have had a nervous breakdown) that i started reading and realizing that they all say the same things. "You are my soul mate, the best thing I've ever had"... and yet they stay.

I, too, don't care to ever talk to him again. There is nothing productive that could possibly come out of it except my frustration and his continual lies. I am numb to the entire thing. For that I am grateful because I used to wait endlessly for a text from him and at times the urge to tell him how badly he hurt me. Bottom line is none of it matters anymore. Move on, forgive, find true love.

Yep i waited for texts or apologies or something but i finally realized it aint worth a thing. Good for you!

February 10, 2013

I know MM loves me and its not because we are still in A, but I want to be in a position where i dont care if he does or doesnt i know this affair is killing the person i am/used to be. I have recently thought about going on anti-depressants because my emotions are all over the place. He ofcourse does not know what this is doing to me if he did he would end it asap. i cant wait for the day im free of my husband and free of MM, just me and kiddo's but that is not in their best interest to be parted from their father.

I want so much not to care, to stop obsessing, to stop the jealousy, to stop the pain.

TheOw,

I empathize with you. Mine started last July 4th. Over the course of these last months I have lost 20 pounds (105), stomach issues, mouth ulcers, depression, anxiety... the list goes on. I never wanted the MM to know how much stress it put on me either for fear he would drop me. The bottom line is, we shouldn't have to a) feel that way and b) if we are share it with the person we love.

I went through a divorce 7 years ago and relocated a 13 year old 1000 miles from home, but nothing compares to the pain and depression this has caused me. The last week of no contact has been the only thing that is helping me gain my strength back. He sends random texts asking how I am, or insinuating he is in pain. I just delete!!!! Girl Power!!!!

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