wanting more Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I saw a reply or 2 in another thread suggesting that maybe the xMM really does/did have feelings for his xOW. I've accepted that my xMM lied the entire time to me. I wanted (in the first couple weeks after d-day) to believe he really did love me, but just couldn't leave. Today I really don't care. Whether he did love me or whether he just used me, Doesn't matter to me anymore. I won't ever talk to him again, hopefully never see him again and for my sanity, I believe he didn't love me. As an xOW/xOM, does it matter now if they really loved you or do the last words you remember them say (if the A ended with a d-day) stay in your mind as a reminder of the lies you were told. 1
RickFox Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I have gone thru the ups and downs of it all. All the I love you's spoken, the you make me feel special crap...never loved anyone like you, can't believe I feel this way AND then I'm reminded of the BUT! But I still love my husband.... I realize I might be letting the best thing that ever happened to me get away....... I still care about you...... Don't ever talk to me again ... why can't you get over it and move on... called me a stalker twice..... then reached out to me for whatever reason..... blah blah blah effin blah..... I used to care what she thought of me, IF she thought of me, IF I mattered at all, IF we mattered at all, IF she actually loved me....... I used to care what she told her H, why all of a sudden these two "snark buddies" stopped talking just ...like .... that.... I'm sure I was made into the evil bad guy who probably came onto the innocent little wife ...... I no longer give a damn.... I don't care what her H thinks...I certainly don't care what she thinks..... I honestly don't care.....I put her sorry A$$ in the river and watched her flow away (that's symbolism).... She could come knocking on my door tomorrow begging me to help her and I'd give her the number to the local PD and shut the door. She can hate me, she can secretly love me, she can despise me or miss me.... she can think I'm scum or the most wonderful guy and I DON'T CARE. That's all I gotta say bout that! 10
Catplates Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Once you truly get over the xMM, it doesn't matter whether he did or he didn't. Cat 3
skylarblue Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 No. It doesn't matter in the sense that I don't think about what was true or not (I think I have an accurate understanding) or about how he felt in general at all. The thoughts have no bearing on my life. However, I wouldn't want to think I didn't mean anything to him in the end. I'd never want to look back on any of my past Rs and think the genuinity of my partner wasn't true. But if it wasn't, so be it. If I felt like xMM or the R had some kind of negative hold on me or I was deceived and/or manipulated in the manner that some OW were, it would be necessary and inevitable for me to come to that point. I just didn't really harbored any resentment or blame towards xMM on that level or related my emotions/thoughts/hurt over him as him having any form of power over me. Besides, I had already prepared myself for the negative possibilities long before the A ended (technically and honestly when the A started) so I had an advantage in that respect too. I am glad that you have gotten to that point. Indifference is so much better. It requires no energy, thought, and emotion to be put forth towards that person. It only requires a peace within oneself, and that peace often comes with helpful realizations, insight, and/or personal growth sprinkled with a sense of strength and triumph. Indifference sets you free.....I'm glad that you are free now, and I hope things only get better for you. 3
MissBee Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I saw a reply or 2 in another thread suggesting that maybe the xMM really does/did have feelings for his xOW. I've accepted that my xMM lied the entire time to me. I wanted (in the first couple weeks after d-day) to believe he really did love me, but just couldn't leave. Today I really don't care. Whether he did love me or whether he just used me, Doesn't matter to me anymore. I won't ever talk to him again, hopefully never see him again and for my sanity, I believe he didn't love me. As an xOW/xOM, does it matter now if they really loved you or do the last words you remember them say (if the A ended with a d-day) stay in your mind as a reminder of the lies you were told. I think those sentiments are most often expressed by those who are just out of the A. It's like with any break up that wasn't totally your doing or because you wanted it. You're going over the relationship, each scenario and playing it back for "truth" and are overly concerned about if it "was real". It's normal IMO and just a stage par for the course with ending a R. However, as time goes by and you detach and start to heal these questions become irrelevant. No one wants to believe they were never loved or weren't special. Even though my A is long over, if I think about it, of course it's "better" to believe I was cared for...and in my situation I still believe I was. However, I don't sit around thinking about that. I don't really care. As either way...it was insufficient. But with time and detachment you simply do not find these things important any longer. It's like closure from this person. Usually in the beginning you believe wholeheartedly that in order to heal they need to say sorry, say they love you, explain why, write a long letter, do a song and dance and it will help you to move on. No. And as time goes by, this overwhelming desire for closure from them becomes insignificant and you realize you can move on and feel at peace even if they never say anything to you ever again. So it's just a work of the timing in the healing process IMO. 5
promises Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I have gone thru the ups and downs of it all. All the I love you's spoken, the you make me feel special crap...never loved anyone like you, can't believe I feel this way AND then I'm reminded of the BUT! But I still love my husband.... I realize I might be letting the best thing that ever happened to me get away....... I still care about you...... Don't ever talk to me again ... why can't you get over it and move on... called me a stalker twice..... then reached out to me for whatever reason..... blah blah blah effin blah..... I used to care what she thought of me, IF she thought of me, IF I mattered at all, IF we mattered at all, IF she actually loved me....... I used to care what she told her H, why all of a sudden these two "snark buddies" stopped talking just ...like .... that.... I'm sure I was made into the evil bad guy who probably came onto the innocent little wife ...... I no longer give a damn.... I don't care what her H thinks...I certainly don't care what she thinks..... I honestly don't care.....I put her sorry A$$ in the river and watched her flow away (that's symbolism).... She could come knocking on my door tomorrow begging me to help her and I'd give her the number to the local PD and shut the door. She can hate me, she can secretly love me, she can despise me or miss me.... she can think I'm scum or the most wonderful guy and I DON'T CARE. That's all I gotta say bout that! I want this strength!! 3
TheOW Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I know MM loves me and its not because we are still in A, but I want to be in a position where i dont care if he does or doesnt i know this affair is killing the person i am/used to be. I have recently thought about going on anti-depressants because my emotions are all over the place. He ofcourse does not know what this is doing to me if he did he would end it asap. i cant wait for the day im free of my husband and free of MM, just me and kiddo's but that is not in their best interest to be parted from their father. I want so much not to care, to stop obsessing, to stop the jealousy, to stop the pain. 3
veryhappy Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I know what he thinks of me. He lusts for me, or some variant of he wouldn't mind getting his hands on me. He's also likely still hurt I put an end to such a good arrangement he had going on for a while. I don't really care what he thinks of me. I know how he treated me and that's enough for me. I also know he thinks much more about the way I see him. In the lasts messages he expressed hurt over the way I saw him. Yeah...not that I was in excrutiating pain, but because I saw him in such a bad light. 3
Gibson_Girl Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I know MM loves me and its not because we are still in A, but I want to be in a position where i dont care if he does or doesnt i know this affair is killing the person i am/used to be. I have recently thought about going on anti-depressants because my emotions are all over the place. He ofcourse does not know what this is doing to me if he did he would end it asap. i cant wait for the day im free of my husband and free of MM, just me and kiddo's but that is not in their best interest to be parted from their father. I want so much not to care, to stop obsessing, to stop the jealousy, to stop the pain. This could be a paragraph that's been written in my own life experience! Affairs are difficult and no one is 'wired' to function well in these situations. There's a reason they're taboo. End it if it's making you feel like you have to have medication to ensure. It's not a fix, it's a crutch. I know because I gimped along with the same crutch and it drove me crazy, so to speak, that I became a shadow of who I used to be. It's not a fun place to be in. 3
Lostinlife4now Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I saw a reply or 2 in another thread suggesting that maybe the xMM really does/did have feelings for his xOW. I've accepted that my xMM lied the entire time to me. I wanted (in the first couple weeks after d-day) to believe he really did love me, but just couldn't leave. Today I really don't care. Whether he did love me or whether he just used me, Doesn't matter to me anymore. I won't ever talk to him again, hopefully never see him again and for my sanity, I believe he didn't love me. As an xOW/xOM, does it matter now if they really loved you or do the last words you remember them say (if the A ended with a d-day) stay in your mind as a reminder of the lies you were told. NOPE!!!!! Hell to the No....Don't care what he thinks about me....But I know what I think about him....SHHHHHH!!!! It's not nice......:eek: 2
skylarblue Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 There's a line in the song "One" that helped me keep perspective in ending the A and the aftermath and summed everything up so sufficiently. It says: "...and I can't be holding on to what you've got when all you got is hurt" It's so simple yet it offers so much. When I think of gaining the physical, mental and emotional freedom from the A/MM, I think of that line. 1
BetrayedH Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I'm not your target audience, WM but I can say I still wonder what my wayward wife was thinking and even what she is thinking today. Perhaps it's because I don't have the luxury of NC. Ambivalence would be nice but it wouldn't be truthful to say I'm there.
RickFox Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I liken Gotye's song to what I feel: Now you're just somebody that I used to know 2
Spark1111 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I'm not your target audience, WM but I can say I still wonder what my wayward wife was thinking and even what she is thinking today. Perhaps it's because I don't have the luxury of NC. Ambivalence would be nice but it wouldn't be truthful to say I'm there. you have children so you cannot go NC. Much harder, but I think it fades in time. 1
Got it Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Since a broader audience is responding - I see no evidence that the MM I know think of their xOW. Quite the contrary, if the name comes up they just get so sad at what they did and say she's a horrible memory they don't think of unless made to. One has said that if he'd ever thought clearly he'd have realized that being a liar and a cheat herself he could never have given her the time of day. That he put it all on him during the affair but now realized she was every bit as bad as he was. Nice people don't have affairs. If they come to their senses and become good people- either a MAP or a single AP, then how could they remember the other person as anything better than that? Make no mistake I believe both parties can change for the better. The one who end it more often changes for the better. The one who was a good person before is more likely to become that again. Life is much more grey than this, good people do bad things and bad people do good things. So labeling people as good or bad is an exercise in futility. What you may deem an action that makes them a bad person, others may factor in other pieces with a different summation. Nice people do have affairs. Nice has little to do with why they were in an affair and how they got there. 3
stevie_23 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 It still matters to me because it’s only been 2 months since he left. I do believe he loved me and still does. That if things were different (how easy is that to say eh? Lol) he’d be with me in “real life” and not just in the affair bubble we once had. It still matters and it will continue to do so for a while, but that’s ok. In time, it will stop mattering and I’ll still have the fond memories. 1
Author wanting more Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 I'm not your target audience, WM but I can say I still wonder what my wayward wife was thinking and even what she is thinking today. Perhaps it's because I don't have the luxury of NC. Ambivalence would be nice but it wouldn't be truthful to say I'm there. You know I always welcome your thoughts. And I did address it to OW/OM but it doesnt really matter just for OW/OM. If there's an ex involved, the question stays the same. Thanks
BetrayedH Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 You know I always welcome your thoughts. And I did address it to OW/OM but it doesnt really matter just for OW/OM. If there's an ex involved, the question stays the same. Thanks Well, Spark is certainly correct that I can't go NC because of co-parenting (duh!). I'm just saying that I'm sure NC helps. But I think it is still normal to try to understand it all. I'm just not really sure we are often fortunate enough to get closure from the other person in any one-sided break-up. And sadly, what the other person did probably involved twisting their own brain into a pretzel so much that it would never make "sense" to us. They also told a lot of lies in the process which further muddies the water. TaraMaiden used to be big on the phrase, "Closure comes from within." I think getting it from the other person is a very rare luxury and in the absence of that, I believe what she says and I have had to remind myself of that many times.
Author wanting more Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 That's correct. For the 1st few months after d-day I didn't know how I would make it thru this because I felt I needed closure. I needed his goodbye. I needed his apology. I needed his explanation. Then i realized I'd never get it. Now I realize I don't need it. Every now and then, not often, the thought crosses my mind If one day I'll look back and not have the feelings of hate toward xMM. not that I'l have fond memories, but will it always be bad feelings.
stevie_23 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 That's correct. For the 1st few months after d-day I didn't know how I would make it thru this because I felt I needed closure. I needed his goodbye. I needed his apology. I needed his explanation. Then i realized I'd never get it. Now I realize I don't need it. Every now and then, not often, the thought crosses my mind If one day I'll look back and not have the feelings of hate toward xMM. not that I'l have fond memories, but will it always be bad feelings. I think it kind of becomes less and less about you and how all of this affected you. I think in time, it becomes more about him. Meaning, he behaved however he behaved because of something inside of him. And yes, it hurt and affected you, but in time, you will feel that everything that happened was about HIM and unfortunately it just had the result of hurting you in the process. But it’s a lot easier to not feel hate or anger when you don’t feel it’s personal and when you view it as that was what he did and nothing really to do with you in the end.
BetrayedH Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 That's correct. For the 1st few months after d-day I didn't know how I would make it thru this because I felt I needed closure. I needed his goodbye. I needed his apology. I needed his explanation. Then i realized I'd never get it. Now I realize I don't need it. Every now and then, not often, the thought crosses my mind If one day I'll look back and not have the feelings of hate toward xMM. not that I'l have fond memories, but will it always be bad feelings. Hmm. Good question. For me, I have 12 years of official co-parenting left (then we have marriages and grand-children). I can only hope that the feelings of anger will dissipate. Right now, she's still pissing me off something fierce. Obviously a different sitch than a MM. Always good chatting but I'll take my leave so you can talk more to your situation. 1
Lillyfree Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 no, it doesn't matter anymore. what i think of myself has changed significantly though... i believe that shift has caused his thoughts/feelings to become irrelevant. i do sometimes wonder if he thinks of me - but not what he thinks, if that makes any sense. 1
Author wanting more Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Since a broader audience is responding - I see no evidence that the MM I know think of their xOW. Quite the contrary, if the name comes up they just get so sad at what they did and say she's a horrible memory they don't think of unless made to. One has said that if he'd ever thought clearly he'd have realized that being a liar and a cheat herself he could never have given her the time of day. That he put it all on him during the affair but now realized she was every bit as bad as he was. Nice people don't have affairs. If they come to their senses and become good people- either a MAP or a single AP, then how could they remember the other person as anything better than that? Make no mistake I believe both parties can change for the better. The one who end it more often changes for the better. The one who was a good person before is more likely to become that again. Yeah, ok. Because a MM is going to let you know he thinks about his xOW.
fooled2manyX Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 It may have even been my post you read that in. For me, it matters. I'm still in it. Not the A, but the questioning. There are things I am torn on. Do I think he had strong feelings for me? Absolutely. Do I believe he loved me? Yes. At least I want to. Do I believe that he stayed for his family & just couldn't part... yes. But, while they (xMM and his wife) had a d-day, I was never told by him it was over. So, our last words to one another were "I love you" and he looked at me and held me and he told me he didn't want to leave (to go to work). I think it's harder for me, because those were our last words. We parted on a good note, yes. Except it tortures me, because I didn't know that was going to be the last time. He vanished after that. I'm on the fence. I am 95% sure he loves me still. I guess there is just that 5% that fears that after d-day, he thought to himself that all he felt wasn't "real". But, I don't know how possible that is. Maybe in a solely physical relationship, that is. A man saying things & then realizing he jepordized his life for sex. But, ours was an emotional affair. But I feel it matters. I know it does to me. Now, if he came back (as much as I wish he would) that doesn't mean I could just fall right back into it. If he left her, to be with me because it is what is true in his heart... I could. But, if she at some point kicks him out, I couldn't. But I know I still feel broken not knowing the specifics. The only thing I know for sure, is his silence is due to reconciliation. Some will say that no matter how much he loves me, he can't leave his children and break up his family. Others will say "If he really loved you, he would have". I want to believe the first part.. of course. Either way, I am still broken.
GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 It may have even been my post you read that in. For me, it matters. I'm still in it. Not the A, but the questioning. There are things I am torn on. Do I think he had strong feelings for me? Absolutely. Do I believe he loved me? Yes. At least I want to. Do I believe that he stayed for his family & just couldn't part... yes. But, while they (xMM and his wife) had a d-day, I was never told by him it was over. So, our last words to one another were "I love you" and he looked at me and held me and he told me he didn't want to leave (to go to work). I think it's harder for me, because those were our last words. We parted on a good note, yes. Except it tortures me, because I didn't know that was going to be the last time. He vanished after that. How long since he's contacted you? When I had a 'sort of' d-day with MM, I felt the same way. Blindsided. The last thing he had said to me (I was taking time to figure things out) was "I'll be there when the dust settles. I love you." To days later... "I won't contact you again." And its like being punched in the gut. Not knowing was excruciating for me, too. But... three weeks later my MM came back. As I've been told they normally do after a dday. He just told me he "had a lot to lose" and was of course more careful and has been. I'm sorry for your pain. I hate never knowing if the 'last time' will be the last time or not. And I wish I could get to a place of not caring so I could finally just walk away. 1
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