am i foolish for staying in this relationship -- boyfriend being hospitalized tomorro

[tuxedo cat]

My very depressed boyfriend is having himself committed to an in patient unit tomorrow for about two weeks. We haven't been together that long and when I first met him I had no idea how troubled he was. He was much happier at the time but after a month his elation about being in a new relationship wore off and he settled down to what is I'm assuming his normal baseline. He withdrew from me and everything. He started canceling our plans, generally being moody and a bit distant.

 

I feel in the dark about what's going on with him because he doesn't open up to me. I've had to either pry stuff out of him or ask people who know both of us. There have been a number of shockers -- he just told me two days ago that he suffers from anorexia. I knew he was thin but had no idea he was anorexic.

 

Is it unrealistic for me to think that this relationship can work given the depth of his problems? I do really care about him and enjoy our time together.

Edited February 4, 2013 by tuxedo cat

[sweetkiwi]

2 months in??? Does this man have a body made of pure chocolate or what. Dont see the positives here.

[chex]

2 months in??? Does this man have a body made of pure chocolate or what. Dont see the positives here.

 

He's anorexic so I'm guessing no.

[ja123]

He's not in the postion to be in a relationship now.

 

You'll have to move on.

[Maneater]

I've dealt with many depressed bf's and have stood by them for years. Nothing you can do can help them, they need to fix themselves first.

[apple OR orange]

first, backing him in to a corner with "i cant deal with you now" will tip him over the edge.

 

Question you have here is "do i stay", well if you was with him for 20 years its the same question.

 

Personally i would ask the medics about this, they are paid to know if his mental state will change to "normal".

 

However if he was ok to start with this sounds like something drugs might help with...

 

If you ask me all those saying you should leave are allowing you to be selfish, esp if you like him.

 

Speak with the docs that are with him, if they give you stuff about confidentiality then you need to lob a law book at them about splitting people up as again that doesn’t help "him".

 

Personally, no medical / government are on this planet for anyone’s good, but that’s my take on it.

[Talak7]

first, backing him in to a corner with "i cant deal with you now" will tip him over the edge.

 

Question you have here is "do i stay", well if you was with him for 20 years its the same question.

 

Personally i would ask the medics about this, they are paid to know if his mental state will change to "normal".

 

However if he was ok to start with this sounds like something drugs might help with...

 

If you ask me all those saying you should leave are allowing you to be selfish, esp if you like him.

 

Speak with the docs that are with him, if they give you stuff about confidentiality then you need to lob a law book at them about splitting people up as again that doesn’t help "him".

 

Personally, no medical / government are on this planet for anyone’s good, but that’s my take on it.

 

NO, No, No,

 

You have no obligation to someone you have seen for 2 months if their actions and activities are not working out with you.

 

If you were married for 10 years and someone developed problems, I can get that.

But if you were together for 2 months and he has these extreme array of issues -he's had them the whole time. He was just able to mask them for a while. You can't clean up his mess for him.

[Lani]

I agree that you should get out.

There are some really valid points above, the main one being that you can't clean this mess up for him. And nor should you have to.

What needs to happen is that he needs to get better, and he can only do this by focusing on himself. As long as he's got you, he will use you as some sort of measure of what he should be, and you'll always feel tied to him because of that.

For his good, as well as your own, you need to cut all contact with him ASAP.

[candie13]

you should do whatever you feel like. Remember that the most important person here is yourself.

 

The issue with people who are anorexic is that they don't think properly - food acts like a fuel to your whole body, including your mind. It is possible that he feels a certain way about you now, when he is not himself or thinking properly and differently, when he is stronger and in control.

 

If you feel strongly about this guy, make baby steps towards him. Visit him at the hospital, give him support but make sure not to ask anything from him, because I doubt he has anything to give. And have very clear inside your head that you may be wasting your time and investing time and feelings in someone who is not in a very happy place, now, is vulnerable, but may be stronger and may hurt you / decide to remove you from his life, when he gets better.

 

Up to you to take it or leave it , how much do you believe in your relationship, how much are you inlove, how much of a giver are you ? I wouldn't give up on love, but I would refuse to expose myself, and allow myself to getting hurt, if it's just a fling.

Edited February 4, 2013 by candie13

[Lorelai]

You can't fix him.

 

The question I would ask is if he's making a true effort to fix himself. If he's checking himself in, rather than having it done for him, maybe he really is making the effort.

 

Have you had the exclusivity talk? Are you boyfriend and girlfriend? How do you feel about him? If not exclusive... I'd probably date other people, or at least leave myself open to the idea, and see how things went. He might find the right med balance in the hospital.

[TheGuard13]

Yes, you can be in a relationship with someone who is mentally ill or depressed, provided they are willing to do what it takes to get better or manage their issues.

 

It may well just be his depression that's causing him to distance himself.

 

I don't see this as a reason to leave him, maybe just give him some space. Which, by committing himself, he's doing already.

 

If you really like him, just be aware that being committed isn't the end of the world. It happens, and people do often come out of their treatment better. Just keep an eye on how he's doing, whether he's making an effort to take the steps needed to make himself feel better, in terms of counseling, any medication that may help, etc.

[KathyM]

I agree with the posters who are saying it's probably best to end it now. Tell him you care about him and really hope he can be healthy with this treatment he'll be getting, but he's probably not in a position to have a healthy relationship until he works out these things he's dealing with.

[veggirl]

They will probably tell him in his treatment that he needs to not be dating now anyway, if you were a long term gf it'd be fine to stay with him but at 2 months I would bounce because he isn't like mid-treatment, he is just starting and has a long road ahead of him if he is currently anorexic etc.

[pteromom]

Is it unrealistic for me to think that this relationship can work given the depth of his problems?

 

Yes.

 

He is not in a place where he should even be thinking about someone else, much less giving you what you deserve in a relationship.

 

Move on.