a_roman_holiday Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I have been friends with a married man at work for a long time. About a month ago, we began sleeping together. I told him it was only sex for me. No feelings. Over the past month, I've found myself falling for him (typical, right?). He tells me he thinks about our future, and every time he brings lovey stuff up I quash it. My thought was that I could protect my heart that way, even though I like hearing it (who wouldn't?). Anyway, I had known that things were really rough at home (why else would he be interested in a fling?). They had spoken about divorce many times over the past several months. He called me tonight. Apparently, he and his wife had a long discussion and they're getting separated. He wants to leave asap. He asked me if he could stay with me temporarily. I told him I needed to think about it. I think it's an awful idea. I think that if he's leaving his wife, he's going to need time by himself in his own place to sort things out. I'm just curious if you folks agree.
2sure Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Bad idea. If they want a divorce fine. Let them get one. Don't become his babysitter because he wants to run away from home. If he can't afford to get a short term apartment, they will both find they can't afford to be divorced. Don't do it. Being supportive means not doing that. 3
anna121 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Do not under any circumstances let him move in with you. 3
anne1707 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 You have only been sleeping together for a month. If he was single and said can I come live with you, I am guessing you would tell him where to go. Under these circumstances.... well why on earth would you even consider it? He is after a comfort blanket and you are convenient. 2
eleanorrigby Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I'd be insulted if a guy asked to crash at my house because he's leaving his wife. I would be thinking, if he can't figure this little thing out, he's not ready to leave. 8
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 (edited) I have been friends with a married man at work for a long time. About a month ago, we began sleeping together. I told him it was only sex for me. No feelings. Over the past month, I've found myself falling for him (typical, right?). He tells me he thinks about our future, and every time he brings lovey stuff up I quash it. My thought was that I could protect my heart that way, even though I like hearing it (who wouldn't?). Anyway, I had known that things were really rough at home (why else would he be interested in a fling?). They had spoken about divorce many times over the past several months. He called me tonight. Apparently, he and his wife had a long discussion and they're getting separated. He wants to leave asap. He asked me if he could stay with me temporarily. I told him I needed to think about it. I think it's an awful idea. I think that if he's leaving his wife, he's going to need time by himself in his own place to sort things out. I'm just curious if you folks agree. No way! Tell him no. That you will be a friend but not a lover nor a soft place to land during his separation and divorce. He has other friends, even family he can stay with. Staying with you is not right and you'll just get sucked into his drama, if there is any..And, trust me, if his wife finds out he's moved in with the OW, she will freak out and prob. make the divorce more difficult than it already is. Do they have children? If so, another reason NOT to allow him to move in with you. PLEASE do not do it. You don't know him that well, your A is less than a few months old.. He could change his mind and go back home, you'll be ripped apart and feel awful. If you choose to let him live with you, good luck with that. It won't work. Do yourself a HUGE favour, stop having sex with him until his D is final. This way he will be leaving because he wants to leave, really wants out of his marriage and he isn't leaving FOR you. big difference there. Allow him to be on his own and grieve the loss of his marriage, the life he used to have with his wife (and kids?), let alone deal with the fallout of inlaws, his familly and other friends. it's gonna be a mess, one that you shouldn't be involved in at all. Edited February 4, 2013 by whichwayisup
Author a_roman_holiday Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 Thank you all. Lots of red flags went up when he called. Definitely glad I wasn't overreacting. I'm going to call him and tell him he can't stay with me. I also like the advice about no sex while this is going on. This is very messy and I really didn't want to be the reason for his divorce. He'll only resent me for it later if things don't work out. 1
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I also like the advice about no sex while this is going on. This is very messy and I really didn't want to be the reason for his divorce. He'll only resent me for it later if things don't work out. You are the reason right now. So if he truly wants to be divorced, reguardless if you're there or not, he'll do it. Test him. Tell him that you cannot be his OW anymore, you do not want an affair and if you two are going to be together one day in the future, then things have to end and also get out of the affair dynamic (the lying, sneaking around, betraying, fantasy fun stuff) and once he IS divorced and had time to adjust to all the changes, then you two can 'date' for real and get to know each other in a new and heathier way. As things are now, you're the OW he had an A with and you two do NOT know each other well at all, only IN an affair dynamic, where things are good and happy, full of emotions and sex, the honeymoon phase. If he wants you, he'll respect this decision of yours and go ahead with his D and keep you out of it all. Again, whether you are there or not because he really does not want to be married to his wife. You never said, does MM and his wife have children? 1
Pierre Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I have been friends with a married man at work for a long time. About a month ago, we began sleeping together. I told him it was only sex for me. No feelings. Over the past month, I've found myself falling for him (typical, right?). I am sorry to hear you are falling for this man. Please protect your hert by not sleeping with this man anymore. If all you want is sex single men may work best and there is no need to deal with a betrayed wife. He tells me he thinks about our future, and every time he brings lovey stuff up I quash it. My thought was that I could protect my heart that way, even though I like hearing it (who wouldn't?). Many MOMs or cheating MMs like to build castles in the air and make fake plans for the future. Inside the affair bubble and get too lovey dovey. It is not that he is actively lying to you. He is simply saying BS to you with no real basis in reality. Anyway, I had known that things were really rough at home (why else would he be interested in a fling?). Wrong! Men cheat because they are cheaters. Honest men don't cheat. And the issues at home are likely due to his philandering. They had spoken about divorce many times over the past several months. He called me tonight. Apparently, he and his wife had a long discussion and they're getting separated. He wants to leave asap. Hmm, this could be true, but in this forum the one that initiates the divorce is usually the wife. And when the MOM has no place to go it generally means the BW caught him cheating once again and threw him out. If he had a civil discussion about divorce he would not be dealing with not having a place to live. This MOM must be a pseudo-class act. He asked me if he could stay with me temporarily. I told him I needed to think about it. I think it's an awful idea. I think that if he's leaving his wife, he's going to need time by himself in his own place to sort things out. I'm just curious if you folks agree. Yes, I agree. Please leave this man ASAP, he sounds like trouble. I will admit he could be a very decent man in an exit affair, but it would be very risky to you. Don't have any sex with him until he has divorce papers in hand and a place to stay. Furthermore, once he is divorce have a conversation with the ex-wife to get her impressions. 2
MissBee Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I have been friends with a married man at work for a long time. About a month ago, we began sleeping together. I told him it was only sex for me. No feelings. Over the past month, I've found myself falling for him (typical, right?). He tells me he thinks about our future, and every time he brings lovey stuff up I quash it. My thought was that I could protect my heart that way, even though I like hearing it (who wouldn't?). Anyway, I had known that things were really rough at home (why else would he be interested in a fling?). They had spoken about divorce many times over the past several months. He called me tonight. Apparently, he and his wife had a long discussion and they're getting separated. He wants to leave asap. He asked me if he could stay with me temporarily. I told him I needed to think about it. I think it's an awful idea. I think that if he's leaving his wife, he's going to need time by himself in his own place to sort things out. I'm just curious if you folks agree. You're right...you've known each other for what? A month? And he wants to stay with you??? He's insane. I can't imagine separating and then expecting to go stay with someone I just met/just started seeing. Even in a non-A setting. That's a ridiculous plan IMO. Surely, if he had no OW, he would have to ask a friend, family member, get a hotel or rent an apartment. He should do that now. Don't allow him to stay with you.
Recommended Posts