candie13 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Don't mean to burst your bubble, but you cannot be friends, also I am sure you genuinely like each other and think the world of each other. Not if you're still crazy about each other. The hardest lesson i've learnt last year was the following: "you can only choose or not choose. There are no inbetweens". Take it from a methodical point of view: A. HOW HE ACTED So he was only looking for a distraction, ideally to have some meaningless sex while he was lying to you and cheating on his gf. What do you know, he fell for his game, too. That does not excuse how he acted and how he dragged you into a situation that is horrible, that of the other woman B. HOW HE HANDLES IT He confessed. Ok, he is sorry, he is genuinely hurting - he should be, if you are asking me. Ok, now what? What did he say, what is his proposition? Continue like this? Break up with his gf? Break up with you? When, where and how? If he is man enough to have sex with you, he should be man enough to stand up to you and to his family. How will his family react if he knew about what he is doing to you and with you? Culture has nothing to do with it, and trust me, I am from Eastern Europe and lived in 5 different countries, I understand the difference between a culturally diverse background and a spine. So should you. C. HIS EXPECTATIONS What does he want you to do? Handle the situation for him? Some men find it easy to find another woman who would do the dirty work from them - make the tough decisions, talk to people they (the guys) cannot talk to, etc. How does he act fairly towards you? Does he think of YOUR best interest? This is how people inlove proceed. Did he ask you not to leave him? Did he promise you he will leave her? Looking from the outside, I see this relationship going straight into a wall, because he seems to be overwhelmed by the promise he made to his gf and to his family. If he gives in, he is doomed, and so are you. Make him make this decision. Make him tell you he is not leaving his girlfriend. This is when you are going to be free, because you will dump his arse so fast, his head will be spinning. Have "the TALK" with him. You'll be able to move on only when you have clarity. It takes a lot of balls to confront him, but you either manage the situation, or it manages you.
Echo000 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Im gna tell him its too late now since im already so attached to him and im scared to admit this but ive fallen for him and i didnt deserve this i did nothing wrong to get hurt like this i wish he had told me earlier. Im gna walk away and im so hurt i think the doors to my heart are now closed Yeah I have been thinking about your situation and what I wrote. My past experience with my ex came up when reading your story. There were several alarm bells only one month into our relationship- she lied about some pretty serious stuff (lying about who she had been with, "accidentally" running into her bf and spending a whole day with him). If alarm bells are ringing this early, more problems are likely to continue. I kept having problems with my ex, and if you got into it with this guy you probably would too. I am so sorry, but protect that heart and move forward.
Janesays Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 (edited) Ugh, sometimes young women will believe the most ridiculous crap when they believe they are 'in love.' Don't trust your gut on this one. If your 'gut' was in any way reliable AT ALL, you wouldn't have said more than 3 words to this loser. And, oh! I can only imagine how convincing his crocodile tears were to you! But that's all they were, darling, fake tears from a fake man. Or....consider this: What if every word he said is TRUE. Then you are currently with the type of guy who, THE VERY SECOND his sick and suicidal girlfriend is sent away to rehab, instead of standing by her and HELPING HER through the toughest time of her life, CHEATS ON HER. This guy is no prize. This guy is spit. Unfortunately, you're too lovestruck to see the truth and you'll probably waste so much more time on this dude only to end up with your heart broken, literally smashed to pieces, and your life in shambles. Please please please, don't let your pride prevent you from coming back here and letting us help you pick up the pieces. Sure, some of us will go the 'told you so' route. But some of us will be there when you cry and your experience will hopefully save the next young girl from the H-ll you're about to go through. Edited February 4, 2013 by Janesays 4
runningfar Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 This sounds like the kind of bs a guy says to keep you waiting on the side indefinitely. He lied, majorly. Dump him
Author Swe3tAngel Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Thanks everyone for all the input and examples and advice.. I decided to let this go.. Can u plzzzz show me the way to do it so i dnt get so hurt and deal with it the roght way? Im so hurt and disgusted at this point. I want out... But what will he do when i tellhim im out?
TigerCub Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Thanks everyone for all the input and examples and advice.. I decided to let this go.. Can u plzzzz show me the way to do it so i dnt get so hurt and deal with it the roght way? Im so hurt and disgusted at this point. I want out... But what will he do when i tellhim im out? You're doing the right thing. Who cares what he will do. Step #1: Just send him an email saying that you are not going to contact him any further as long as he is still attached. Tell him that you expect him to respect your wishes and NOT contact you. Then block his email and block his phone #. If you do facebook and all that social media stuff and you're in contact there- block that too. Now...Step #2: - take this opportunity right now when you are so hurt and so mad and make a list of all those things that he's done to hurt you and disrespect you and break your heart. List everything and put that list up on your wall - so that when you are at home and the moment strikes and you miss him and all you want is to hear his voice -you'll have that handy list to look at and remember exactly why you shouldn't. Believe me, the list helps. It doesn't make the whole process a piece of cake, but it helps as a reminder. Good luck to you and honestly, I think you are doing the best thing for yourself. Don't fall into the trap of being the OW - you deserve so much better. ETA: you don't even really need to send him an email or an explanation - you can just block him - I'm sure he'll figure it out...
ja123 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I don't think you should say so much to him. Don't tell him that you're attached and that you've fallen for him. Here's why: It will make it easier for him to manipulate you. You can't trust this person to not take advantage of your feelings. So my advice is to not be friends with him at all. Thank him for his honesty but tell him that you don't want to be friends and to have a nice life. Seriously. Don't invest any more emotional energy on this person, even as "friends." This ^^^ The less info you give the better. If you're going to pour your heart out to him, you are essentially giving him a second chance ... and hoping that he'll change! He won't! Consider yourself lucky to have found out what he's like now, not later. Create a strategy to help you stay strong during your grieving process. Go strict "no contact", spend time with friends, go to the movies, to the gym, learn something new. It's tough, but you can do it! Good Luck!
Janesays Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I wouldn't even bother telling him. I would just disappear. He doesn't deserve an explanation. 2
CC12 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Thanks everyone for all the input and examples and advice.. I decided to let this go.. Can u plzzzz show me the way to do it so i dnt get so hurt and deal with it the roght way? Im so hurt and disgusted at this point. I want out... But what will he do when i tellhim im out? You don't need to tell him anything because you basically already did: i told him that if he doesn't hear from me he can know that i cared about him and that he changed my life (which he did) and he was like 'what are you saying are you saying you're leaving me you are not going to talk to me???? what the ****???" and got all upset.. and i told him 'just in case something happens' There, it's done. He got upset when you merely hinted that you wouldn't speak to him anymore. If you tell him you're out, he's not just going to be like, "Okay." He's going to get upset and try to talk you out of it and probably cry. And then you're going to feel bad and there's a real likelihood that you'll change your mind and stay with him or stay friends (which I promise you will never work.) There's nothing that needs to be said. You've already talked about it. He'll know exactly why you're not speaking to him anymore. Make a clean break and move on. I know you got really attached, but remind yourself that you've only known him for one month. That's not enough time to seriously impact your day-to-day life. Go back to what you were doing four weeks ago. You were fine then. You'll be fine again really soon.
TaraMaiden Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Thanks everyone for all the input and examples and advice.. I decided to let this go.. Can u plzzzz show me the way to do it so i dnt get so hurt and deal with it the roght way? Im so hurt and disgusted at this point. I want out... But what will he do when i tellhim im out? Okay, briefly, because I sound like a stuck record: Find Updated No Contact Guide in my signature (2013). Read first post. Several times. Then a few times more. Copy, Paste into word.doc. Print. Enough copies to paper entire living abode. Hang copy in Loo, to read while 'sitting and thinking'. Print extra copy to carry with you everywhere you go. Cut off all and every possible means of contact to and from him. Everything. One other member here, actually went out and bought a new 'phone, and new number, so determined was he to prevent any 'slip-ups'. Consider it. Good luck. Oh and one final thing: Any time at all you get something from him, or you have the urge to contact him - always, but ALWAYS - come back into here, tell us, and we'll help you handle it. That's what real friends do. 2
Emilia Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I wouldn't even bother telling him. I would just disappear. He doesn't deserve an explanation. Second this. You've already had the conversation you needed OP, he knows the score
TaraMaiden Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I wouldn't even bother telling him. I would just disappear. He doesn't deserve an explanation. Ditto, 'third-ed'.....
candie13 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Okay, briefly, because I sound like a stuck record: Find Updated No Contact Guide in my signature (2013). Read first post. Several times. Then a few times more. Copy, Paste into word.doc. Print. Enough copies to paper entire living abode. Hang copy in Loo, to read while 'sitting and thinking'. Print extra copy to carry with you everywhere you go. Cut off all and every possible means of contact to and from him. Everything. One other member here, actually went out and bought a new 'phone, and new number, so determined was he to prevent any 'slip-ups'. Consider it. Good luck. Oh and one final thing: Any time at all you get something from him, or you have the urge to contact him - always, but ALWAYS - come back into here, tell us, and we'll help you handle it. That's what real friends do. I really like your post and wish I had had the brain to come here, last summer, for this type of support is priceless. However, at this point where she is with the guy, I believe it's best to confront him, so that he shows his arse. Unless you don't see how ugly the other person really is, you will never bring yourself to let them go. That is how I see the process: first, you realize the other person is bad for you, but you don't understand, aren't convinced or ready to accept it. The second most important step is to understand. without understanding and accepting that the relationship or the guy aren't what she needs, no letting go is possible. The recovery process will be smoother, take less time and less pain if she has the courage to face her fears. Confruntation. Closure. Understanding and accepting. Letting go.
Author Swe3tAngel Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 Thanks everyone for the responses and feedback.. I really appreciate it. I have decided to be mature about this and see him face to face and let him know that this is not going to work for me and if he wants to go work things out with her, then i will and am walking away completely as he cannot have everything his way. If he does like me as much as he aaid he does and wants to be done with her, then he will let her go and come after me and we can possibly start over and maybe have something beautiful that i think we are capable of having.. If not, and if he wants to stay with her, that tells me a lot and it wil be my benefit to leave it before getting more attached and be used and get even more hurt later. 1
Negative Nancy Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Look at what he's telling you with his actions: whenever your have a serious problem, expect to be cheated on as well. 1
Janesays Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 The only way you could have something beautiful with this man is if you bought the mona Lisa and stabled it to his forehead. He is a bad person. Anyone that ends up with him will regret it. Don't waste time with him when you can be searching for the REAL love of your life. 2
candie13 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 The only way you could have something beautiful with this man is if you bought the mona Lisa and stabled it to his forehead. My new quote, Oh My GOD, fantastic line ! 1
TigerCub Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Thanks everyone for the responses and feedback.. I really appreciate it. I have decided to be mature about this and see him face to face and let him know that this is not going to work for me and if he wants to go work things out with her, then i will and am walking away completely as he cannot have everything his way. If he does like me as much as he aaid he does and wants to be done with her, then he will let her go and come after me and we can possibly start over and maybe have something beautiful that i think we are capable of having.. If not, and if he wants to stay with her, that tells me a lot and it wil be my benefit to leave it before getting more attached and be used and get even more hurt later. Good for you for deciding that you do deserve so much more and not allowing yourself to get dragged into what would have turned into an affair situation! Prepare for excuses on his part and guilting and asking you to remain "friends" and stay in touch and all that - prepare for it and I hope that you shoot that **** down from the get go. Stay strong and be very proud of yourself. Good luck
Emilia Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Thanks everyone for the responses and feedback.. I really appreciate it. I have decided to be mature about this and see him face to face and let him know that this is not going to work for me and if he wants to go work things out with her, then i will and am walking away completely as he cannot have everything his way. If he does like me as much as he aaid he does and wants to be done with her, then he will let her go and come after me and we can possibly start over and maybe have something beautiful that i think we are capable of having.. If not, and if he wants to stay with her, that tells me a lot and it wil be my benefit to leave it before getting more attached and be used and get even more hurt later. This guy is really bad, he lets everyone down. If you ever end up going out with him he will let you down too eventually. Giving someone a second chance you shouldn't isn't mature, it just serves to delay final decision making.
candie13 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 she wants to hear him say No to her, she wants him to give her closure. This will never happen, hon, he's in it for himself and has no pity for you. bastards never admit they're bastards.
Author Swe3tAngel Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 I did it.. I sad goodbye and walked away.. Hardest thing i had to do.. Im so miserable now :'( it hurts so bad
TaraMaiden Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Okay, breathe, and relax. You did the right thing. I think you know you did. You did the only thing you really could do, to save yourself, your sanity, your dignity and your integrity. I know the hard part starts now, but we're here for you. Read the Guide in my signature. Follow it to the absolute letter. Read it as many times as you need, in order to get those words in your head, and swimming before your eyes.... And always always post if you feel tempted to break No Contact - but always, always ALWAYS post - if he tries to contact you. Delete/block his number, block emails, block on Facebook - the lot. You know the score, you know the drill.
Archgirl Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I did it.. I sad goodbye and walked away.. Hardest thing i had to do.. Im so miserable now :'( it hurts so bad Aww babe, that sucks, I know how it feels - my heart never consults my brain either and always picks the bastards. But it won't feel awful forever, even if you wallow in misery and don't follow any of the great advice on NC on this site, three weeks max of utter misery I promise! Treat it as a learning excercise in what you like in a partner and what you won't tolerate. Best wishes xo
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