Swe3tAngel Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I met a man about a month ago. He liked me and asked me out. At first i wasnt really interested but i told myself to give him a chance. We went out and he was super nice and caring and wanted to know everything about me and the date was fun, before the day ended, he asked to see me again the next day and i said ok.. Basically a week of seeing each other he told me he likes me and i slowly started liking him too since he was so nice and we had so many things in common and i felt really good around him.. Later we were hanging out and we just made love as it wasnt planned it just happened.. I was scared and felt bad since it was so ruhed and happened so early.. But his attitude didnt change towRds me as he continued to be same way with me.. However, a few days ago he told me he is sad because there is something he didnt tell me and he finally told me that he has a gf who hes been trying to break up with.. She lied to him and he found out that she was doing drugs and he left.. Since then she went to a rehab to get better and is going to be there for another 4 months.. She threatened him that if he leaves her she will kill herself and her parents called him and begged him to not leave her because she will leave rehab and go back to drugs and kill herself.. He is stuck now because he told me he really likes me but he feels bad for her since he stil has feelings for her and she begs for his support and he doesnt want to feel guilty.. He apologized for lying to me and begged me not to leave him and he said even if i stop seeing him or sleeping with him he stil wants me to be his friend to support him as he has faith we might be together step by step. He said he is lost and wants to heal... Im so hurt but i like him so much and ive never felt this compatible or good w another man before.. I feel like he brigs the best out of me and changed me to become a better person and i dont want to lose him.. What should i so? I want him.. I dnt want to lose him :'(
Echo000 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Close your eyes and breathe- what does your heart AND mind want? Do you have to be with him right now, at this moment? My best advice is to have a calm, direct, sit down conversation with him. I think you two could very well have something together, but not while this is going on. That stuff needs to be sorted out- its messy and unpleasant, and if you two try to move forward (even as "friends") you will only be building a relationship on an unstable foundation. Let him sort out these issues, and resolve it before he is allowed into your life. I truly believe that if you follow this path, you will find happiness.
2sure Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 He lied to you in a huge way. Every single time he saw you. When he had sex with you. He is a liar. If he didn't have the whole my gf is in rehab and I want to leave her but can't because her parents begged me and she will kill herself story ( and they all have a variation) then you wouldn't continue seeing him would you? He is a liar. 7
ja123 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 ".. However, a few days ago he told me he is sad because there is something he didnt tell me and he finally told me that he has a gf who hes been trying to break up with.. " Firstly ... please write with paragraphs! It's hard to read, otherwise. My response to your quesry is to move on. It sucks, but ... I mean ... is this the kind of treatment you would advise a friend to accept? 1
TigerCub Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Please please please don't even talk to this guy anymore. Yeah - these men always have gf or wife or baby momma that they are trying to leave but: a) she's going to kill herself b) they're staying for the kids c) she has a deadly disease please!! Don't waste your time on a liar like him. Even if you try to just stay friends - you will end up going further, and it will turn into an affair. Do you want that for yourself?! I hope not - you can do better. He's a liar and cheater - he's not the noble soul mate you're going to think you're seeing. 4
Author Swe3tAngel Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 He lied to you in a huge way. Every single time he saw you. When he had sex with you. He is a liar. If he didn't have the whole my gf is in rehab and I want to leave her but can't because her parents begged me and she will kill herself story ( and they all have a variation) then you wouldn't continue seeing him would you? He is a liar. Thank you. I want to be with him but not like this. What can i say to him before i leave? :'(
Author Swe3tAngel Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 ".. However, a few days ago he told me he is sad because there is something he didnt tell me and he finally told me that he has a gf who hes been trying to break up with.. " Firstly ... please write with paragraphs! It's hard to read, otherwise. My response to your quesry is to move on. It sucks, but ... I mean ... is this the kind of treatment you would advise a friend to accept? Thank you. I want to be with him but not like this. What can i say to him before i leave? :'(
2sure Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Be honest. Tell him you Would have liked to explore a relationship with him, but that his having lied the way he did says something about his character...and although you would like to forgive him that, you cannot continue a relationship with an unavailable man nder any circumstances. Look out for yourself. He is not.
Author Swe3tAngel Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 Close your eyes and breathe- what does your heart AND mind want? Do you have to be with him right now, at this moment? My best advice is to have a calm, direct, sit down conversation with him. I think you two could very well have something together, but not while this is going on. That stuff needs to be sorted out- its messy and unpleasant, and if you two try to move forward (even as "friends") you will only be building a relationship on an unstable foundation. Let him sort out these issues, and resolve it before he is allowed into your life. I truly believe that if you follow this path, you will find happiness. Im gna tell him its too late now since im already so attached to him and im scared to admit this but ive fallen for him and i didnt deserve this i did nothing wrong to get hurt like this i wish he had told me earlier. Im gna walk away and im so hurt i think the doors to my heart are now closed
Author Swe3tAngel Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 Please please please don't even talk to this guy anymore. Yeah - these men always have gf or wife or baby momma that they are trying to leave but: a) she's going to kill herself b) they're staying for the kids c) she has a deadly disease please!! Don't waste your time on a liar like him. Even if you try to just stay friends - you will end up going further, and it will turn into an affair. Do you want that for yourself?! I hope not - you can do better. He's a liar and cheater - he's not the noble soul mate you're going to think you're seeing. Ive fallen for him and it hurts so much but i have to walk away its killing me
Author Swe3tAngel Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 Be honest. Tell him you Would have liked to explore a relationship with him, but that his having lied the way he did says something about his character...and although you would like to forgive him that, you cannot continue a relationship with an unavailable man nder any circumstances. Look out for yourself. He is not. Thanks. Im so hurt. I did nothing wrong to deserve this. Im never going to open my heart to anyone ever again 1
FitChick Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Live and learn: when a man wants to be with you daily from the very beginning, he is pushing for sex. Slow the guy down next time. Don't see him any more than twice a week. Make him get to know you a bit first. You may decide you don't like him. Not loving anyone ever again only punishes you, not him. 5
Maneater Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Sometimes people do get stuck in situations but it doesn't mean you should stay with him during it. He did still lie. So tell him once his situation with HIS GF has a clean break up, then he can call you. For now, cut him loose...sorry
TaraMaiden Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 It's highly unlikely she even exists. He's probably married, with kids..... 1
CC12 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Im gna tell him its too late now since im already so attached to him and im scared to admit this but ive fallen for him and i didnt deserve this i did nothing wrong to get hurt like this i wish he had told me earlier. Im gna walk away and im so hurt i think the doors to my heart are now closed I don't think you should say so much to him. Don't tell him that you're attached and that you've fallen for him. Here's why: It will make it easier for him to manipulate you. You can't trust this person to not take advantage of your feelings. He has already manipulated you once by pursuing you so aggressively. This wasn't an "Oops, I got too close to someone and accidentally ended up cheating on my girlfriend." No, he intentionally dated you and allowed it to progress to sex before he told you about his girlfriend. And he wants you to "be his friend to support him as he has faith we might be together step by step"?? What? First of all, how dare he ask for your support after lying to you? Secondly, he wants your friendship because he thinks you'll "be together." So that should tell you he's not going to stop pursuing a romantic relationship with you even if you say you just want to be friends. With as smitten as you are with him, I think it would be very, very hard for you to say no to him. So my advice is to not be friends with him at all. Thank him for his honesty but tell him that you don't want to be friends and to have a nice life. Seriously. Don't invest any more emotional energy on this person, even as "friends." P.S. His story about his druggie girlfriend sounds like complete bull****. 3
Emilia Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 It's highly unlikely she even exists. He's probably married, with kids..... I think TaraMaiden is right OP, he is probably married with kids. He has manipulated you into having sex with him and he will keep doing that until you allow him to do.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 This is all total BS Swe3tAngel... He's feeding you lies and manipulating and continuing to do so....he made the push so hard and to act so interested in order to manipulate you into an emotional connection....and like a brainless puppet with only a heart to barter...you've fallen for oldest manipulation tactic in the book. Now he doesn't even have to do anything competent anymore, he's got you locked on...not because of what he is doing, it's what you're telling yourself. You're going to build up the douchebag to being much more than he really is, he's going to feed you lies...you'll want to believe him then he'll do this or that and you'll be so hurt....so typical of a situation i want to poke my eyes out. He doesn't bring out the best in you...he tricked you...he played you like a fiddle and you fell for it. Now you're telling yourself this idiot is all that. It's just not true...it's completely emotional because in the end you're going to realize he did far more damage than good...then you're going to be crying about that wanting remorse and sympathy because "you didn't know any better". You need to just walk away because you're just too emotionally invested and any BS he feeds you you're going to fall for...and trust me, he knows exactly what he is doing...don't expect him to admit it though. If I was there I would destroy this guy with questions, his responses and reactions would tear you to pieces like a paper shredder...it's unfortunate you wouldn't know what to say or how to react and what questions to ask, you're just vulnerable and gullible because you are emotional...hell maybe you wouldn't even accept the truth and choose to remain in denial...many women take that route to no avail. If you believe any words he says you're a fool...I don't care how honest, sincere and genuine he appears to be....I absolutely guarantee he is lying...he probably can't even admit that to himself. Walk away...lose the number...never talk to him again...move to the moon...if you're naive enough to do anything less (ok fine don't move to the moon) he will tap into that emotion, realize you are vulnerable and destroy you...take this from advice from someone who's been a cheater....or this will be a long road, and he's going to waste a lot of your time, energy and emotions...for nothing to gain in the end. 2
candie13 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 It's sh*t, girl, what can I say. Once a liar, always a liar, would you ever allow yourself to get this vulnerable to a guy who is acting this way - betrays his gf who's obviously going through hell, lies to you, gets you in his bed and in addition to that, asks you to continue this betrayal game, while asking you to give him your 100%. Not respectful, totally inconsiderate for both of you, not fair play... I don't know, my way out of horrible situation is to think about myself and how the others treat me. Is this how you want to be loved? Is this how a man who supposedly loves you should treat you? Focus on yourself and on what you really want out of a real relationship. Two steps that are very important: - you need to be convinced you will not tolerate this treatment (leave him) - don't put him on a pedestal or linger too much, because of the feelings you have for him You need to be gentle with yourself in the process. Get some time to be absolutely 100% convinced you don't want such a man in your life and find the force to break up. I would say you should do that really soon, because the more time you spend with him, the harder it is to leave. The second part of the process is the one that sucks big time, because you have feelings. But think about the big picture, you cannot make any progress unless you make those steps out. There are some great threads here about how to handle breakups, really amazing, and you can get some guidance as to what's going on with you, to make your way out of the emotional turmoil that usually follows a tough break up. Best of luck!
candie13 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 This is all total BS Swe3tAngel... He's feeding you lies and manipulating and continuing to do so....he made the push so hard and to act so interested in order to manipulate you into an emotional connection....and like a brainless puppet with only a heart to barter...you've fallen for oldest manipulation tactic in the book. Now he doesn't even have to do anything competent anymore, he's got you locked on...not because of what he is doing, it's what you're telling yourself. You're going to build up the douchebag to being much more than he really is, he's going to feed you lies...you'll want to believe him then he'll do this or that and you'll be so hurt....so typical of a situation i want to poke my eyes out. He doesn't bring out the best in you...he tricked you...he played you like a fiddle and you fell for it. Now you're telling yourself this idiot is all that. It's just not true...it's completely emotional because in the end you're going to realize he did far more damage than good...then you're going to be crying about that wanting remorse and sympathy because "you didn't know any better". You need to just walk away because you're just too emotionally invested and any BS he feeds you you're going to fall for...and trust me, he knows exactly what he is doing...don't expect him to admit it though. If I was there I would destroy this guy with questions, his responses and reactions would tear you to pieces like a paper shredder...it's unfortunate you wouldn't know what to say or how to react and what questions to ask, you're just vulnerable and gullible because you are emotional...hell maybe you wouldn't even accept the truth and choose to remain in denial...many women take that route to no avail. If you believe any words he says you're a fool...I don't care how honest, sincere and genuine he appears to be....I absolutely guarantee he is lying...he probably can't even admit that to himself. Walk away...lose the number...never talk to him again...move to the moon...if you're naive enough to do anything less (ok fine don't move to the moon) he will tap into that emotion, realize you are vulnerable and destroy you...take this from advice from someone who's been a cheater....or this will be a long road, and he's going to waste a lot of your time, energy and emotions...for nothing to gain in the end. I love your posts, Nip, but this time, I think that confrontation can only be done once you've understood what's going on, but you can't let go. It's like asking or provoking the other person to give you closure. In the end, actions speak louder than words and it is best to just get yourself that closure, irrelevant of if that guy is willing to let you go or not. Confrontation will only give him the opportunity to lie some more, do some more damage, give him more knives to cut her heart open even more... My answer is to remove yourself from this toxic situation. Remember that someone can only hurt you if you allow them to. Be strong and get all the help you can possible get from those around you to stay focused!
Author Swe3tAngel Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 Live and learn: when a man wants to be with you daily from the very beginning, he is pushing for sex. Slow the guy down next time. Don't see him any more than twice a week. Make him get to know you a bit first. You may decide you don't like him. Not loving anyone ever again only punishes you, not him. uh really? well my brother in law wanted to see my sister every single day from day one.. they were together 24 7... right from the beginning and he would call her like every 10 minutes... but he wasn't pushing for sex.. they got married.. idk..but maybe he's different
Emilia Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 uh really? well my brother in law wanted to see my sister every single day from day one.. they were together 24 7... right from the beginning and he would call her like every 10 minutes... but he wasn't pushing for sex.. they got married.. idk..but maybe he's different I think he is a bit different, most people find that approach way too intense. 1
Author Swe3tAngel Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 It's sh*t, girl, what can I say. Once a liar, always a liar, would you ever allow yourself to get this vulnerable to a guy who is acting this way - betrays his gf who's obviously going through hell, lies to you, gets you in his bed and in addition to that, asks you to continue this betrayal game, while asking you to give him your 100%. Not respectful, totally inconsiderate for both of you, not fair play... I don't know, my way out of horrible situation is to think about myself and how the others treat me. Is this how you want to be loved? Is this how a man who supposedly loves you should treat you? Focus on yourself and on what you really want out of a real relationship. Two steps that are very important: - you need to be convinced you will not tolerate this treatment (leave him) - don't put him on a pedestal or linger too much, because of the feelings you have for him You need to be gentle with yourself in the process. Get some time to be absolutely 100% convinced you don't want such a man in your life and find the force to break up. I would say you should do that really soon, because the more time you spend with him, the harder it is to leave. The second part of the process is the one that sucks big time, because you have feelings. But think about the big picture, you cannot make any progress unless you make those steps out. There are some great threads here about how to handle breakups, really amazing, and you can get some guidance as to what's going on with you, to make your way out of the emotional turmoil that usually follows a tough break up. Best of luck! thank you... and to everyone else for the responses... there are some details that i left out.... 1. i know the girl exists because i read the texts messages and she also sent him a card with their picture on it as she put 'please love me and dont leave me' ... 2. me and him are both middle eastern and our culture is a little different... idk if that makes any difference but he had introduced his 'gf' to his family and they don't know she's in rehab for having done drugs.. and he's feeling guilty and scared and doesn't know what to do.. i saw him crying .. i know he's in a difficult situation.. he told me 'i didn't expect this to happen where id get attached to you and that you'd have feelings for me this early i didnt know and now im in the middle and i dont want to hurt anyone or play with two hearts' ... so he beggs me to stay his friend at least .. I dont know to be honest i don't know the only reason why i am so upset and hurt and mad is because IT WAS NOT FAIR TO ME :'( he shouldn't have lied! he should have been honest from the beginning! and now i'm also stuck.. but to be honest this is what i think.... when he met me, he thought he will just hang out, pursue something else away from his gf and just see what can happen... and he wasn't really thinking about love and stuf... and i think that once he got to know me and started hanging out with me more, he started developing feelings and attachments because he was shocked and so was i when we found out how similar we really are and how well we work together... i can't even begin to describe that.. and i noticed slowly, he started holding my hand and kissing it as though he was scared to lose me...and i think once he noticed that i like him so much and what kind of family girl i really am and he developed a lot of care, like and respect for me, he decided to tell me the truth and go from there... and when he told me, he was crying.. he really didn't want to lose me and he feels he has and i think so too because something died in me. i really don't know what to do.. i can either believe he is a total douche and planned this from day one and doesn't give two ****s.. or i can listen to my gutt and know that he didn't plan this and that he does need help and i can either be the better person and give him my support as a friend and demand respect or leave him and walk away and never know. last night i put my foot down and in a nice way i put him in his place and also told him that i dont regret having slept with him, but i regret having done it so early and that i chose not to sit down and punish myself but learn from it and not make same mistake again.. and that what is best for me to get what i deserve since i told him from day 1 what i am looking for and i wont settle for anything less.. i told himi i don't want to share him and i want to have all of him or else this isn't going to work any other way... he said 'he knows i deserve the best but right now he doesn't deserve me as i cant have him fully and he wants to deserve me first' i told him that if he doesn't hear from me he can know that i cared about him and that he changed my life (which he did) and he was like 'what are you saying are you saying you're leaving me you are not going to talk to me???? what the ****???" and got all upset.. and i told him 'just in case something happens'
Emilia Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 but to be honest this is what i think.... when he met me, he thought he will just hang out, pursue something else away from his gf and just see what can happen... So you are saying it's ok because initially he only wanted sex with you but then realised that he loves you and that makes the whole lying and cheating ok? 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Oh holy mother of.... You are one of these people who seems to get it - but you don't get it. it is of absolutely no relevance at all that you left information out. Here, let me tell you what's relevant in your post.... read carefully, the bits I've left are all that matter..... thank you... and to everyone else for the responses... there are some details that i left out.... 1. i know the girl exists because i read the texts messages and she also sent him a card with their picture on it as she put 'please love me and dont leave me' ... 2. me and him are both middle eastern and our culture is a little different... idk if that makes any difference but he had introduced his 'gf' to his family and they don't know she's in rehab for having done drugs.. and he's feeling guilty and scared and doesn't know what to do.. i saw him crying .. i know he's in a difficult situation.. he told me 'i didn't expect this to happen where id get attached to you and that you'd have feelings for me this early i didnt know and now im in the middle and i dont want to hurt anyone or play with two hearts' ... so he beggs me to stay his friend at least .. I dont know to be honest i don't know the only reason why i am so upset and hurt and mad is because IT WAS NOT FAIR TO ME :'( he shouldn't have lied! he should have been honest from the beginning! and now i'm also stuck.. but to be honest this is what i think.... when he met me, he thought he will just hang out, pursue something else away from his gf and just see what can happen... and he wasn't really thinking about love and stuf... and i think that once he got to know me and started hanging out with me more, he started developing feelings and attachments because he was shocked and so was i when we found out how similar we really are and how well we work together... i can't even begin to describe that.. and i noticed slowly, he started holding my hand and kissing it as though he was scared to lose me...and i think once he noticed that i like him so much and what kind of family girl i really am and he developed a lot of care, like and respect for me, he decided to tell me the truth and go from there... and when he told me, he was crying.. he really didn't want to lose me and he feels he has and i think so too because something died in me. i really don't know what to do.. I can either believe he is a total douche and planned this from day one and doesn't give two ****s.. or i can listen to my gutt and know that he didn't plan this and that he does need help and i can either be the better person and give him my support as a friend and demand respect or leave him and walk away and never know. last night i put my foot down and in a nice way i put him in his place and also told him that i dont regret having slept with him, but i regret having done it so early and that i chose not to sit down and punish myself but learn from it and not make same mistake again.. and that what is best for me to get what i deserve since i told him from day 1 what i am looking for and i wont settle for anything less.. i told himi i don't want to share him and i want to have all of him or else this isn't going to work any other way... he said 'he knows i deserve the best but right now he doesn't deserve me as i cant have him fully and he wants to deserve me first' i told him that if he doesn't hear from me he can know that i cared about him and that he changed my life (which he did) and he was like 'what are you saying are you saying you're leaving me you are not going to talk to me???? what the ****???" and got all upset.. and i told him 'just in case something happens' All that matters is that you told him he's a schmuck, and that you're going to go full, total, complete No Contact. From this instant on. Tell me I'm right - please, for all that is holy, tell me I'm RIGHT!!!
TigerCub Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 last night i put my foot down and in a nice way i put him in his place and also told him that i dont regret having slept with him, but i regret having done it so early and that i chose not to sit down and punish myself but learn from it and not make same mistake again.. and that what is best for me to get what i deserve since i told him from day 1 what i am looking for and i wont settle for anything less.. i told himi i don't want to share him and i want to have all of him or else this isn't going to work any other way... he said 'he knows i deserve the best but right now he doesn't deserve me as i cant have him fully and he wants to deserve me first' i told him that if he doesn't hear from me he can know that i cared about him and that he changed my life (which he did) and he was like 'what are you saying are you saying you're leaving me you are not going to talk to me???? what the ****???" and got all upset.. and i told him 'just in case something happens' See how he's talking out of both sides of his mouth? He's telling you "yeah you deserve the best" bla bla and I can't be your man. Then he's all mad when you say that you're not going to settle for being his side dish Yeah - I know you don't see it and you don't want to see it - but he does not respect you. He wants you to be the OW and he will tell you whatever phony line you want to hear that will keep you there - but he's not going to give you more. I know how middle eastern people talk. I know how they gossip and how they think badly of women that sleep around before marriage. Imagine if he ends up getting engaged to that woman and you end up being the girl that he just had his fun with - you don't think he'd turn it around and make it seem like you came on to him and you wanted to sleep with him, and he was the one that finally had to push you away, because he's the good guy and you're the whore?! Don't fall for his phony crocodile tears. Tell him - fine, you want to be with me, then make it happen. But don't call me and don't expect me to be in your life until you're done with this girl. It's that simple, and believe me, I know what it's like to be so confused and wanting to see the best in him and wanting to just be there for him and thinking that you're meant to be together and all that - but please try to see it a little objectively and don't compromise who you are for him.
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