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Sex, even if anti-pill/pro-life?

jrtfrisco

By jrtfrisco
in General Relationship Discussion

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jrtfrisco Member

jrtfrisco

Posted
Posted

I started having sex with this girl who recently disclosed that she's anti-pill (for health reasons) and, if accidentally pregnant, would without a doubt have the child.

 

When we have sex, we do it with a condom...but after hearing her tell me the above, I now feel like I'm now playing Russian Roulette.

 

Am I playing with fire here (as mishaps happen, such as a broken condom, etc.), or am I unjustifiably freaking out?

 

PS: I'm not anti-child or anything, but at this point in my life I'm so not ready to have one (I'm actually deathly afraid to have one).

 

All of my past girls or flings have been liberal or pro-choice, so this type of girl is new for me.

 

Also, lets not get into a Roe v. Wade debate, okay? Just seeking some guidance (not political/religious discussion).

 

Thanks

Balzac Established Member

Balzac

Posted
Posted

If you can count to 14 and wear a glove, you're smart enough to party on.

 

Non hormone contraceptives exist.

  • Like 1
Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted

First things first - pro choice doesn't necessarily mean that she'll want an abortion. Pro choice is just that, pro CHOICE. Not having an abortion is a valid choice, too.

 

IMO any man who is 'deathly afraid' at the possibility of having a child should not be having vaginal intercourse, period, unless he gets a vasectomy. Even if the woman intends to have an abortion, people can and do change their minds, especially with regards to life-changing decisions such as this.

 

Depending on the degree of how deathly afraid you are, you do have the option of extra contraceptive methods even if she chooses not to take the pill (calendar, pull out, etc). Do not for the love of gawd try any of that by themselves. They can help when done together with a condom, though most of them are not as effective as the pill.

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jrtfrisco Member

jrtfrisco

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

"pro choice doesn't necessarily mean that she'll want an abortion"

 

Agreed, but she told me she would never get an abortion.

 

 

"IMO any man who is 'deathly afraid' at the possibility of having a child should not be having vaginal intercourse, period, unless he gets a vasectomy."

 

With all due respect, this is a ridiculous statement (as contraceptives exist for this reason, i.e., to be able to have safe sex and prevent unwanted pregnancies).

 

 

My question is this: are my concerns justified or not? Have any other guys been in my boat?

Edited by jrtfrisco
Babolat Established Member

Babolat

Posted
Posted

As a guy, I have never been in this boat. If I were you I would use a condom and pull out and talk to her about things she can do other than birth control (IUD for example). Know when she is ovulating, no sex during that time, etc....

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

Yep, dealt with that with prior LTR's and until exW and I were married and were actively trying for children and I simply used fresh and verifiable condoms that I purchased and communicated regarding sex during/immediately after ovulation to minimize risk. In the future, at my age, should I become involved with a lady who's still fertile, I'll get a vasectomy.

 

*Communication* is a great tool. Since sex is a mutually agreed-upon activity, both partners bear responsibility. Any time one has heterosexual sex, a pregnancy is a possible outcome. Partners who seek to minimize that potential can choose to work the issue as a team. Good luck.

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted
"pro choice doesn't necessarily mean that she'll want an abortion"

 

Agreed, but she told me she would never get an abortion.

 

 

"IMO any man who is 'deathly afraid' at the possibility of having a child should not be having vaginal intercourse, period, unless he gets a vasectomy."

 

With all due respect, this is a ridiculous statement (as contraceptives exist for this reason, i.e., to be able to have safe sex and prevent unwanted pregnancies).

 

 

My question is this: are my concerns justified or not? Have any other guys been in my boat?

 

You missed my point, which was that your concerns are completely justified. You are free to choose to do as you wish, obviously, but you seem to believe that sex with a 'pro-choice' woman who uses the pill will never, ever produce the outcome that you are 'deathly afraid' of - ie having a child. That is a false assumption.

 

Certainly the risks are higher with your current partner, hence my suggestion of other dual methods of contraception.

  • Like 2
BetheButterfly Established Member

BetheButterfly

Posted
Posted
"pro choice doesn't necessarily mean that she'll want an abortion"

 

Agreed, but she told me she would never get an abortion.

 

I admire her. :)

 

 

"IMO any man who is 'deathly afraid' at the possibility of having a child should not be having vaginal intercourse, period, unless he gets a vasectomy."

 

With all due respect, this is a ridiculous statement (as contraceptives exist for this reason, i.e., to be able to have safe sex and prevent unwanted pregnancies).

I don't think it's a ridiculous statement at all. I don't understand why people are so afraid of having children. It's not like having children is a disease! I understand being "deathly afraid" at the possibility of getting a sexual disease, but children are not sexual diseases; they're precious little human beings, including when they start out in the earliest stages of human development!

My question is this: are my concerns justified or not? Have any other guys been in my boat?

It is a possibility for the lady to get pregnant. I love how another poster who was glad to learn he was a father wrote, "We are pregnant!" because that's true in that it takes 2 to reproduce. Of course many guys have been in your boat.

If you are so deathly afraid of having offspring, why not get a vasectomy? I think that would be the best for you to do, or simply not have a sex with a woman who values life at the earliest stages of human development.

  • Like 1
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jrtfrisco Member

jrtfrisco

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
I admire her. :)

 

 

I don't think it's a ridiculous statement at all. I don't understand why people are so afraid of having children. It's not like having children is a disease! I understand being "deathly afraid" at the possibility of getting a sexual disease, but children are not sexual diseases; they're precious little human beings, including when they start out in the earliest stages of human development!

It is a possibility for the lady to get pregnant. I love how another poster who was glad to learn he was a father wrote, "We are pregnant!" because that's true in that it takes 2 to reproduce. Of course many guys have been in your boat.

If you are so deathly afraid of having offspring, why not get a vasectomy? I think that would be the best for you to do, or simply not have a sex with a woman who values life at the earliest stages of human development.

 

 

Okay, just to clarify, I'm not gung ho pro-abortion. However, I do believe in it (or at least the woman's right to choose) at the earliest possible dates after the sex occurred (such as the morning after pill, or within the first trimester - see Roe v. Wade). As I alluded to before though, let's not get into a political/religious discussion here though (as to when a child exists, etc.).

 

I'm also not anti-children. However, at this stage in my life (where I am relatively young, am growing my career and don't have enough money to support a child yet), I would prefer not to have a child now (until I'm more established in my career/make more money and can support a family).

 

If I got a girl pregnant now, no, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the worst (such as a bad disease, as you mentioned before) - but again, it's not preferable right now in my life (it's highly not preferable, actually). Am I being irrational or immoral? No, arguably I'm being a responsible adult.

 

So, I just wanted to clarify my position.

 

Also, I think it's important to note that if I was seriously dating this girl, and envisioned a future with her, then I wouldn't be so concerned. Also, if she was anti-abortion (including within the first trimester) but pro-morning after pill, then I wouldn't be as concerned as much. However, she is anti-morning after pill, and this makes me a bit nervous.

 

Anyway, thanks all for your advice. I will think this over, and proceed with caution.

Edited by jrtfrisco
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
I started having sex with this girl who recently disclosed that she's anti-pill (for health reasons) and, if accidentally pregnant, would without a doubt have the child.

 

When we have sex, we do it with a condom...but after hearing her tell me the above, I now feel like I'm now playing Russian Roulette.

 

Am I playing with fire here (as mishaps happen, such as a broken condom, etc.), or am I unjustifiably freaking out?

 

PS: I'm not anti-child or anything, but at this point in my life I'm so not ready to have one (I'm actually deathly afraid to have one).

 

All of my past girls or flings have been liberal or pro-choice, so this type of girl is new for me.

 

Also, lets not get into a Roe v. Wade debate, okay? Just seeking some guidance (not political/religious discussion).

 

Thanks

 

Run away as fast as you can. Yes you are playing with fire. If aren't in love with her and want to marry her run now and do not have sex with her again.

  • Like 2
BetheButterfly Established Member

BetheButterfly

Posted
Posted (edited)
Okay, just to clarify, I'm not gung ho pro-abortion. However, I do believe in it (or at least the woman's right to choose) at the earliest possible dates after the sex occurred (such as the morning after pill, or within the first trimester - see Roe v. Wade). As I alluded to before though, let's not get into a political/religious discussion here though (as to when a child exists, etc.).

 

I agree with the morning after pill. For me, I have relatively little issue with abortion until the heart starts beating for the first time. :love: Once the heart starts beating, I consider the killing of the little life to be murder. However, i agree that it's important to kill the little life as close as possible to conception, if one doesn't want the little life to continue advancing in the stages of human development. How is when a child exists political/religious?

 

The best way however to prevent killing this little life is to prevent the little life from being conceived.

I'm also not anti-children. However, at this stage in my life (where I am relatively young, am growing my career and don't have enough money to support a child yet), I would prefer not to have a child now (until I'm more established in my career/make more money and can support a family).

 

If I got a girl pregnant now, no, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the worst (such as a bad disease, as you mentioned before) - but again, it's not preferable right now in my life (it's highly not preferable, actually). Am I being irrational or immoral? No, arguably I'm being a responsible adult.

I don't think it's being responsible to have sex with a person who might have a baby while you don't want to have a baby.

 

So, I just wanted to clarify my position.

 

Also, I think it's important to note that if I was seriously dating this girl, and envisioned a future with her, then I wouldn't be so concerned. Also, if she was anti-abortion (including within the first trimester) but pro-morning after pill, then I wouldn't be as concerned as much. However, she is anti-morning after pill, and this makes me a bit nervous.

You do not envision a future with her, yet you are having sex with her and don't want her to get pregnant? Lol no wonder you are nervous. Why not do the responsible thing and stop having sex with her then? :)

Anyway, thanks all for your advice. I will think this over, and proceed with caution.

I agree with stillafool. Run. Edited by BetheButterfly
  • Like 1
Keenly Established Member

Keenly

Posted
Posted
I admire her. :)

 

 

I don't think it's a ridiculous statement at all. I don't understand why people are so afraid of having children. It's not like having children is a disease! I understand being "deathly afraid" at the possibility of getting a sexual disease, but children are not sexual diseases; they're precious little human beings, including when they start out in the earliest stages of human development!

It is a possibility for the lady to get pregnant. I love how another poster who was glad to learn he was a father wrote, "We are pregnant!" because that's true in that it takes 2 to reproduce. Of course many guys have been in your boat.

If you are so deathly afraid of having offspring, why not get a vasectomy? I think that would be the best for you to do, or simply not have a sex with a woman who values life at the earliest stages of human development.

 

The statement truly is ridiculous. I don't want kids noe I'm 23. Your basically saying either get a vasectomy and never have kids even.if I decode to at thirty five, or I'm just not allowed to have sex.... ridiculous.

BetheButterfly Established Member

BetheButterfly

Posted
Posted
The statement truly is ridiculous. I don't want kids noe I'm 23. Your basically saying either get a vasectomy and never have kids even.if I decode to at thirty five, or I'm just not allowed to have sex.... ridiculous.

 

I wrote, "I think that would be the best for you to do, or simply not have a sex with a woman who values life at the earliest stages of human development."

 

Do you know what "or" means?

Keenly Established Member

Keenly

Posted
Posted

If you are so deathly afraid of having offspring, why not get a vasectomy?

 

 

actually, this is what you wrote, and its ridiculous.

 

Men don't actively pursue having kids as young as I am. Women will start to.

 

A vasectomy is "permanent", and a stupid thing to suggest to young men. Just wear a condom...

BetheButterfly Established Member

BetheButterfly

Posted
Posted
actually, this is what you wrote, and its ridiculous.

 

Men don't actively pursue having kids as young as I am. Women will start to.

 

A vasectomy is "permanent", and a stupid thing to suggest to young men. Just wear a condom...

 

"If you are so deathly afraid of having offspring, why not get a vasectomy?" is a question, not a statement.

 

Do you know the difference between a question and a statement?

 

Please see the following if you are unsure:

 

 


  1.  
    [PDF] Questions or Statements - TLSBooks.com
     
    Free Printable Worksheets for Preschool through Sixth Grade.questionstatement.pdf
    File Format: PDF/Adobe Acrobat
    Read each sentence below and decide if it is a question or a statement. Fill in the blank with the correct punctuation. 1. The ocean is big _____. 2. Is the sky blue ...
     

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

OP, do you feel your partner's approach to birth control, which is the responsibility of both partners, is a reasonable and adult approach? If she had her choice, without relationship consequences, how would she choose to reduce the risk of pregnancy? It appears the only choices open to her from her perspective are abstinence or an IUD/diaphragm. What has she suggested as a method she can employ to reduce the risk of pregnancy? She's clearly communicated that she won't take the pill and she won't consider abortion. That covers the 'won'ts'; how about the 'wills'?

  • Like 1
BetheButterfly Established Member

BetheButterfly

Posted
Posted (edited)
The statement truly is ridiculous. I don't want kids noe I'm 23. Your basically saying either get a vasectomy and never have kids even.if I decode to at thirty five, or I'm just not allowed to have sex.... ridiculous.

 

It would make sense and is not ridiculous or illogical to avoid having sex with a woman who values life at the earliest stages of human development if the guy does not want to have children with her at that time, because it is very possible she will get pregnant. The only relatively sure way to not have children with a woman who is pro-life is to get a vasectomy. The only for sure way to not have children with a woman who is pro-life is to simply not have sex with her. Is that ridiculous to you?

 

If getting a vasectomy is not what the OP is willing to do, the wisest thing to do is simply not have sex with women who are not willing to abort should preventative birth control not prevent conception.

 

You can of course attack any statement (or question) I write as "ridiculous" but then again, if vasectomy or not having sex with a woman who values life from the earliest stages of human development are not done, than paying child support is most definitely a possibility.

 

Do you consider paying child support "ridiculous?"

Edited by BetheButterfly
  • Like 1
Keenly Established Member

Keenly

Posted
Posted
The only relatively sure way to not have children with a woman who is pro-life is to get a vasectomy. The only for sure way to not have children with a woman who is pro-life is to simply not have sex with her.

 

 

You keep spouting these things off like they are fact. You forget there are other forms of contraception.

BetheButterfly Established Member

BetheButterfly

Posted
Posted (edited)
You keep spouting these things off like they are fact. You forget there are other forms of contraception.

 

Do you consider all forms of contraception to work all the time? Vasectomy is a relatively more sure form of contraception than condoms, birth control pills, and diaphragms. If those don't do their job, what is the OP going to do?

 

Spouting that statements are ridiculous do not help him decide what to do should contraceptives not work, hmm? You didn't answer my questions:

 

"The only for sure way to not have children with a woman who is pro-life is to simply not have sex with her. Is that ridiculous to you?"

 

and

 

"Do you consider paying child support "ridiculous?"

 

or are you going to keep spouting attacks on my statements and/or questions?

Edited by BetheButterfly
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jrtfrisco Member

jrtfrisco

Posted
  • Author
Posted
OP, do you feel your partner's approach to birth control, which is the responsibility of both partners, is a reasonable and adult approach? If she had her choice, without relationship consequences, how would she choose to reduce the risk of pregnancy? It appears the only choices open to her from her perspective are abstinence or an IUD/diaphragm. What has she suggested as a method she can employ to reduce the risk of pregnancy? She's clearly communicated that she won't take the pill and she won't consider abortion. That covers the 'won'ts'; how about the 'wills'?

 

I haven't discussed the IUD/diaphragm idea with her, though I doubt she'd be willing to do that.

 

It seems like the only "wills" is having sex with a condom.

 

Although her thoughts make me nervous (anti-morning after pill and abortion), I respect her thoughts as I recognize that this decision is very serious and unique to each person (in terms of upbringing, culture, religious views, etc.).

 

So I'm not knocking her on her stance, but it's just a little shocking, and most likely a deal breaker for me (especially as I don't see myself wanting to take the relationship to a more serious level).

  • Like 1
candie13 Established Member

candie13

Posted
Posted

Just do a great job at using that condom and don't get your penis close to her unless you are wearing one.

 

if you are that freaked about it, after you're done, go to the toilet and test if they're broken - fill them with water.

 

if that's not good enough still... you'll just have to wear two condoms to be extra sure! And gloves. And stockings ;) !

 

chill, man, just use protection properly.

  • Author
jrtfrisco Member

jrtfrisco

Posted
  • Author
Posted
...the wisest thing to do is simply not have sex with women who are not willing to abort should preventative birth control not prevent conception.

"

 

Agreed. That pretty much sums it up.

BetheButterfly Established Member

BetheButterfly

Posted
Posted
Agreed. That pretty much sums it up.

 

There are many women who are fine with aborting if measures to prevent conception fail... but since this lady who is prolife in the earliest stages of human development is not fine with aborting and since she is not one you see yourself having children with and growing old with, it might be best to let her go so she can find someone who does want to commit to her.

 

While not always the case, many pro-life ladies hope to find committed relationships with men who love them and who want to have children with them.

Balzac Established Member

Balzac

Posted
Posted
Just do a great job at using that condom and don't get your penis close to her unless you are wearing one.

 

if you are that freaked about it, after you're done, go to the toilet and test if they're broken - fill them with water.

 

if that's not good enough still... you'll just have to wear two condoms to be extra sure! And gloves. And stockings ;) !

 

chill, man, just use protection properly.

 

Using two condoms at the same time and using protection properly is an oxymoron. Surely you know better than this.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

Presuming the lady's desire is to remain pregnancy-free, her responsibility is not to tell you what to do, rather to take steps herself, as you're doing by responsibly using condoms, to reduce the risk of pregnancy. That's part of being a responsible adult. I'm currently questioning her ability/desire to be a responsible adult in this relationship. I would respect her position regarding abortion and desire to avoid using the pill. The conversation would then turn to 'what will you do?'. The answers would help determine whether continuing or discontinuing would be next steps.

 

Right now, you're solely and totally responsible for all STD and pregnancy risk reduction. Doesn't seem like a synergistic dynamic to me; more like 'my way or the highway', perhaps couched in a gentler fashion by her.

 

So I'm not knocking her on her stance, but it's just a little shocking, and most likely a deal breaker for me (especially as I don't see myself wanting to take the relationship to a more serious level).

 

If you're clear on that, communicate it, along with your 'why'. Accept the results. I'm offering this advice presuming that you're looking for a long-term monogamous relationship.

 

If this is casual sex, disregard and continue to take your own steps for protection and don't concern yourself with the relationship-relevant nuances. A lot of people have casual sex where the man uses condoms and that is the sole pregnancy/STD risk reducer. Accept the risks and enjoy :)

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